A/N SM owns the characters, just make sure you don't forget it :)
Chapter 9
BPOV
I knew we were off the plane the minute I felt Emmett's cold hands which embraced me. We must have reached Chicago because I felt the cold brisk wind touching my face. Alice and Rose were sitting next to me and Alice was rubbing calmingly my arm. I felt the panic grab me and was about to jump off the car and ran away from this place. Jasper looked at me and stretched his hand to calm me.
"Bella, don't worry. Everything will be ok. We are going home." I knew that I was going home- there was nothing I wanted more than this now but I was just afraid. I didn't know if I would have the strength to face the person who I loved more than the life itself and who didn't care for me. If only he could love me the way I did. But I reminded myself not to think about this. I didn't have the power to change things like that. My power was so insignificant, that it never really helped me. I could protect me and others around me from everything-mental or physical- but I couldn't protect myself from the agony I felt inside. So what was the point of this gift? I never told anyone about my power- no one really needed to know all about this- and I never used it. Even Steve was not aware of this- maybe the one thing I hadn't told him and it really tormented me to hide something from him. Maybe he had asked himself why I was immune to his attempts to control my body, but after my explanation that even when I was human the vampires around me couldn't use their powers on me he seemed content and never asked again. The car stopped in front of a big mansion near the woods. I slowly swallowed and gave a panicked look to Jasper and Emmett. They looked scared as well but that didn't calm me down at least. I felt like I was doing the biggest mistake in my life, but I just couldn't make myself run. I wanted to be here- to feel I belonged somewhere. This was home and for first time in 10 years I felt like I'm not the prodigal child.
I got out of the car and Jasper took my hand. I instantly felt calm and confident. I took deep breath and all the smells surrounding this place filled my lungs. His scent was all around me. I felt dizzy and drown by it. I wanted to suffocate in it and my legs just didn't listen to me anymore. All I wanted was to be next to him to fall into his eyes and , God save my damned soul, to fall into his lies. I would do anything he wanted and I would believe anything he said-even though I knew it would be a lie. I needed him to exist and was ready to fade into his light, no matter if he despised me for my weakness.
I looked at my reflection in the window of the house. The woman there was wearing a blue strapless asymmetric mini dress and her hair was in soft waves to her bottom. He loved you in blue. How could I tell Alice that he didn't love me? That I was never loved from the one to whom I gave everything? I sighed and tried to gain my composure. I needed to stop thinking about what could have been. I couldn't change the past- I only could try to live with it. I squeezed Jasper's hand and we headed to the entrance.
The room we entered was identical to the one they had in Forks-all the space and the whiteness but I knew the furniture was new. Edward's piano was in the center of the room and I felt an urge to pass my fingers over the keys. The keys he had touched. Carlisle and Esme were standing next to the piano and were looking at me with so much love that I wanted to just drown myself in their eyes. I stopped for a second and then like a blur I rushed to them and embraced them. I wanted to cry of happiness from the content I felt being in their arms. I knew I was home…
Esme was whispering in my ear how much she missed me and all I could do was mumble that I forgive them everything, that I love her more than I loved my own mother and I realized that I was not lying to her at that moment. She didn't let me go of her arms and we all sat at the sofa. Carlisle was stroking my hair and I knew that he was waiting for me to tell them all that happened with me that led to my current condition. I just didn't know how to start.
"Bella, we are so happy that you are back home. Our family is whole again. " Esme was radiant, she just couldn't find herself a place from the emotions drowning her. I looked at Carlisle and silently told him.
"Carlisle, I am really sorry for all the distress I caused to all of you. And I want you to know that I forgave all of you for everything." He smiled happily at my words but I saw he was worried.
"Bella, there is no need to be sorry for anything. We are the ones who should seek your forgiveness. And I want to know what happened during all these years." He was watching at me intently. I hesitated for a moment and then told him carefully choosing every word.
"Carlisle, I think it is better to show you because I don't think I have the right words to describe all that I was through."
He looked at me surprised and I tried to explain to him" My gift is to show my memories to anyone." He thought for a second before I heard his voice" Then your gift is averted to Aro's. He could see every thought that had ever been in your mind and you can show every memory that you have been through?" I just nodded. Then I took his hand and flashes from the day Edward left me in the woods started crossing my mind. I could feel the emotions drowning me but I tried to suffocate them and emerge from the abyss I was falling to. I hated showing the memories- I have done it only once with Steve and I was catatonic for days after that. I was only hoping that this time I would manage to resist. Images of everything I was through in the hospital and my days as a newborn were sliding in front of my eyes and I suppressed a moan. My days with Steve and Daniel and Peter were rolling in front of me, and when I reached the meeting with the Cullens I opened my eyes and dragged my hand from Carlisle. Jasper was sitting next to him and had his arm on his shoulder. From the pained expression on his face I could tell that he had seen all the memories as well. They both were trying to compose themselves, but from my own experience I could tell that they would need some time. I needed some time as well. Everything was dizzy again and I felt like I was about to faint. Alice embraced me at once, sensing my weakness and started stroking my hair. I felt grateful for this small gesture. I really missed my best friend and I was happy to have her back. If only I could have him back as well…. Jasper looked at surprised –I was sure he was feeling the longing and the love and I could tell that he didn't understand my emotions and what had caused them. I just looked at his eyes intently and he understood what I meant. He would never let me down and wouldn't say a word about this. I felt happy for his support and silently thanked him.
Carlisle was calming himself little by little and all of the others were just staring at him- they were surprised to see him in this condition- Carlisle rarely lost his control, if ever. But I was not ready to show all these memories to anyone else. I needed time to be able to get through them once again. I just couldn't bare the pain once again. I needed 10 years to try living with it and my control was slowly abandoning me now.
I wanted to ask about him. All were looking at me silently, as if they were waiting me to ask about him, but I couldn't make a sound. I sensed that they would respect my decision and would wait for me to be ready, but right now I didn't care. Right now I wanted them to just tell me where he was, what he was doing and how easy he managed to forget me. I would love to torture myself like that- to prove what masochistic creature I had become. All this time with the pain- I felt like I was addicted to it. And I didn't know what would become of me if one they it was gone. I felt his scent wrapped around my every nerve and his presence here was clouding my mind. I stood up and apologetically looked at Esme:
"Please, I need a minute alone…" She quickly jumped and guided me to a room on the third floor. I could sense him there, I was sure he was in the next room and was hoping to avoid a meeting with him for now so I entered the room as fast as I could and locked the door.
I stood motionless for what seemed like hours. There were footsteps behind the door and I knew someone was standing there but I couldn't move. I didn't want to move. I was not ready. I looked at the notebook on the bed- the lyrics I had written were screaming to be sung and I knew that I needed my music. It was silent in the house, I resumed they were all hunting, because Alice had mentioned something on our way from the airport. I didn't need to hunt, so they must have left without me. I was grateful- I wanted solitude and silently opened the door. There was not a single sound. I run to the piano and after a moment of hesitation sat on the bench. I run my fingers across the keys and closed my eyes. His fingers had touched these same keys with love- like he would never touch me. I suppressed a sob and started playing as silent as I could. I hardly touched the keys- I didn't want to erase his scent from them and the words of my song echoed in the space.
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
[Chorus:]
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"
[Chorus]
And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
I stood there, the last accords of the song still echoing in my brain. I couldn't suppress the sobs any longer. I was shaking violently and buried my head in my hands, silently whispering :"Help me! Oh, God! Help me!"… The darkness in the room was so heavy that I felt it crushing on my shoulders. But there was something which bothered me. There was someone in the room and as soon I sensed his presence I lifted my eyes only to stare at the topaz eyes of my dreams…or nightmares.