A/N hehe, the evil me is back. thanks to all who waste their precious time to read this story, and write reviews. And to my sister who made me coffee, so i wouldn't fall asleep in front of the computer. :)
Chapter 10
EPOV
I heard the car as soon as it drove to the allay of the house. I couldn't stay in one place, knowing that my angel was there. I felt the urge to run and wrap her in my arms and never let her go. But I reminded myself that she needed time and from all I heard in her songs she didn't want to see me. I felt more broken than ever, knowing that she needed comfort and I was not the one to offer it to her. I had promised her once to protect her- but who could protect her from me? And I have caused her so much pain, that I doubted she would find the strength in her to forgive me. I couldn't forgive myself that, and there was no way to want this from her. I heard they opened the door, but I just stood there next to my door and listened. I could feel her scent and it was like a fog that clouded my sanity, and all I could think of was to rush there and drown myself in her aroma. I couldn't move.
Edward, it is best to stay there for now. She was through a lot of things lately so have patience.
Carlisle's thoughts got to my clouded mind and I silently slid myself to the floor. I hugged my knees and leaned my back to the wall. The thoughts of all of my family flooded my brain and I tried to block them.
My daughter… she is back home…and she said that she loved me more than her own mother… I missed her more than anything. I love her so much! I felt the jealousy that seized me. Esme was holding her in her arms, something I wanted more than anything right now. She said that she loved Esme, would she ever tell these so coveted words to me? I wanted to cry, to scream, to destroy something, because I knew that I couldn't ask her for that. She would never love me again, after all I did. After all the lies that left this acid taste in my mouth when I uttered them. I was desperate beyond words.
What is she doing? Is that her memories?... We left. She is lying in the woods. God, stop the pain, I want to scream from this desperation… Charlie and Renee left her in a hospital. The sorrow, the anger, the loathing… how is she alive? I want to die… the drugs, they made her sleepy and all is in haze… these dull feelings-what are they? She wants to die? Blank desperation, self loathing, enormous love…suffering… pain, not so strong, like physical pain, no… she cut her wrists… relief…love…resignation, no… despair, the nurse is calling her? Another room… the haze is deeper she can't move, the pain is bigger, she is tied to a bed, joy… she is running.. slums… pain, desperation, oh.. these feelings are killing me ! stop them! STOP THEM! She wants to die… relief, happiness… eyes, topaz eyes who are watching her… darkness… pain, like fire in the blood, someone is talking, pain… she can't move… she opens her eyes.. everything is so vivid… the pain is bigger, she is live again, angry, the blood repulses her, self-loathing, love, this man is taking her to some place with music, piano- love, relief, content, she sings- ecstatic, live, joy… people talk about her- angry, repulsed, sad, pained , sorrow, She is at the concert… joy, pain, sorrow, longing, love, she sees us- pain, so much pain, longing … love?…
How could she feel all this? I want it to stop! … just make the pain stop…
I listened to Jasper thoughts and every word in his brain was like a dagger in my long forgotten heart. How did he knew how she felt? But Carlisle thoughts were like a mirror to Jasper's so I assumed she was showing them her memories. I hated myself more than ever- I made her suffer more than even my biggest enemy deserved. I just couldn't exist any more, the pain I was burning in was unbearable. And I couldn't do a thing to help her- I could only silently watch her suffering , and that hurt me the most.
I heard someone coming to my room. I knew it was Esme and I knew Bella was with her. I was hoping that she wanted to talk to me, to see me, but I already knew the bitter truth- that was what she didn't want! Esme was screaming in her head to stay in my room , not to try to reach her, and I was shaking from the sobs, her even breathing was like the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and her scent was all around the room now. She was in the room next to me. Closer than ever in the last 10 years and yet further than ever. She didn't want to see me, she didn't want to know if I exist. I was content as long as she was near me. That was something. Her absence was what would drive me to insanity. I stood there, next to the wall, listening to every breath she took, every little sound she made till the darkness outside reminded me of the time. Someone was in front of the door, I knew it was Alice, but didn't opened it.
Edward, we are going to hunt. I know you won't come but…Please, leave Bella alone.
She didn't say a word, just hesitated for a moment before I heard them leave the house. I was alone with Bella. Every fiber in my body was screaming to go to her, but I was ashamed of me, of my pathetic excuses, afraid of her accusing eyes and the pain I would see in them. I heard how she opened her door, and her light steps down the stairs and for a second was petrified that she would stumble and hurt herself and felt the urge to go and catch her but I remembered that she was a vampire and she didn't need my protection. I was like a child broken and alone, she didn't need me any more- she didn't need my protection. And who was I to protect her after all I had done to her? And what if she was leaving me? I took a deep breath at the thought that she might be leaving the house and heading back to Los Angeles away from me. That she couldn't bare my presence here and needed to run away from the monster I was? I couldn't bare the pain from this thought-the panic was grabbing me - and I opened the door. That's when I heard the piano. She was playing on my piano. I have never felt more jealousy than the moment she laid her fingers on the keys. How I wanted her to touch me the same way! To feel her gorgeous hands on my face…to feel her soft lips on mine, like when she loved me…
Her soft melodic voice filled the silence and reached every hollow space of my body. She was everywhere in me, and I felt whole for first time.
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"
And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
She stopped and buried her head in her hands. I couldn't take it any more. I wanted to be next to her and I didn't care if I would regret for this for the rest of my existence. I stopped at the piano but she sensed my presence. Suddenly she raised her head and looked me in the eyes. I was absorbed by the dept of the pain in them, I was falling and wanted to just break the gaze and look away but I couldn't. I wouldn't.
"Bella…" the broken whisper was all I could manage to utter.