A/N Finally back! :) Thanks again to everyone for their patience, I haven't slept for quite a time to finish some more chapters. And Merry Christmas :) You guys are great

Chapter 11

BPOV

The moment I met his eyes was the moment my whole world collapsed and shattered around me. It was like someone had erased the last ten years and I was again just Bella, but what scared me was the emotions that flooded-all the love and the pain that I had tried to deafen. And there was emptiness. Emptiness that seized every part of me and I felt like a shell, soulless shell with nothing left. His eyes were like endless sea of regret and I desperately tried to break the gaze and look away, but I couldn't move. I saw myself sidelong, like I had left my body and was petrified by the expression on my face- there was nothing, like a blank canvas waiting for its creator. I knew it would be difficult to face him and I knew that I was not ready for whatever happened, but I couldn't run away from this moment. And finally it had come.

I heard him. "Bella…" My name on his lips, he was whispering my name with his velvet voice… And I couldn't remember anything else, except this sound. I couldn't remember all the efforts to forget it, the pain, the anger… When he uttered my name, I couldn't be more sure that I was not that girl anymore. She had died so many years ago, and the only part left of her was her body, even though that body was not the same. Her innocence, her vulnerability, her trust were long gone, all he ever found alluring was missing. I thought that I could blame him for that, but there was no strength in me left to blame him for anything.

"Bella, please, I want… " He nervously ran his fingers through his bronze hair and I moved my gaze from his face. My mind was screaming with pain, all I could think of was to stand up and run, but I couldn't.

"Don't, Edward. Don't say anything… "My voice broke on the last words and I felt the pain again. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't move. I didn't want to hear whatever he was trying to tell me- and deep inside I knew what it would be. I just couldn't hear it out loud. I couldn't bear to hear how sorry he was that he left, I couldn't bear his regret and his pity for the girl he once departed and most of all I couldn't bear the look on his face when he said those words.

"Bella, you don't understand. "He was looking at me with his pleading eyes and his pain hurt me. But I understood and that was what scared me. I quickly stood up and in a flash I was outside the house. I knew that he would try to follow me and ran as fast as I could. I didn't know where I was going, my feet found their way by themselves, and I wasn't surprised when I found myself in a place that was like the meadow. In the meadow he once took me to, where I felt my biggest happiness and my deepest pain. I haven't been there since the day he was gone. Everything in this place was the same, except for the woman who stood like a lifeless broken statue in the center. The same trees, the same grass, the same scent. His scent. I inhaled deeply and he was in front of me- telling me that he didn't love me anymore, that he didn't want me to go with him, that I would be better without him. I collapsed on my knees and buried my head in my hands. I knew all this- I didn't need to see it repeating all over again. I wanted to reach my memories and extract this one and destroy it, but how could I? The darkness around me was nothing compared to the darkness that seized every part of me.

I pictured my life- the endless chain of boring days, filled with pain, which turned to weeks and months and years. The same scenario repeated over and over again- me, trying to find a reason to endure another purposeless moment on this earth, me trying to cope with the desire to end my suffering, me trying to erase the past. There was never a moment in my existence when I wanted to end the eternity for me more than now . The thought that we could never be together was more than real at this moment, and the little hope that was buried deep inside my soulless body was gone. I was seized by the emptiness, and I was glad. I didn't want to feel anything, I just wanted to close my eyes and to sink to the deepest and darkest places in my mind- where the pain couldn't reach me and grasp me with its fingers. I wanted to be free of every single memory I had- to lock them in a place I couldn't find, to lose the key and never find it again. My future was inevitable-and I dreamed about the death I could never experience, which I coveted more than I ever coveted anything. I didn't find my home- my sanctuary- here and I wanted to cry over my loss over and over again. I was again homeless, because the home I was seeking was a place for the Bella that had died. And I was another matter. I couldn't destroy all the others with me, to take them with me to my personal hell, so I had to do the one thing I was good at. I had to leave. I had to do this for them and for myself. I gathered myself, all the shattered pieces left of the person I used to be and was in front of the house in what seemed like seconds. I didn't know how to do this and I sure that they would be hurt, but I didn't have any options. The door opened in front of me before I managed to touch it and I saw the terrified eyes of Alice in front of me. She knew. And I was more than sure what I had to do was right.

"Bella, please! Don't do this." She wrapped her arms around me and didn't let me go, as if she was trying to stop me. I couldn't move but finally managed to enter the house with Alice still holding me. They were all in the living room, waiting for me. I knew Alice had told them, she might have had a vision for my decision and they were all looking at me with desperate pleas in their eyes.

"I know that you will not agree with what I'm about to say, but, please, regard my decision and…. Just let me be." No one said anything- they were still looking at me and I felt how my confidence was slowly slipping and I didn't know what to say.

" I really love all of you…but I need to learn to live by myself. Thank you for all you did for me ..but I have to go now." Esme and Alice were sobbing but I couldn't do anything, not now, when I was about to leave. I turned around when Edward grabbed my hand. I felt the same shock as the first time he touched me all those years ago-the electricity ran through my body and I was petrified. I couldn't look him in the eyes. I wouldn't live through this I was sure. Emmett and Carlisle pulled Edward away from me, and I heard his voice-he was telling me something but I couldn't listen. I just couldn't bear to hear anything he said. The agony in his voice made me feel some strange feeling-a faint satisfaction. His pain was not like mine, but he was feeling something, even though not what I wanted him to feel. I was more than sure that the moment to leave had come. I was going to think what to do with my life afterwards, all I had to do now was to get to Los Angeles. Or anywhere- the place didn't matter as long as it was away form here.

"Bella, let me please drive you to the airport." Carlisle was next to me, and I just nodded in my desire to leave as soon as I could. He took his phone and in an instant we were in his Mercedes. There was silence, and I was grateful for that. A lot of things were left unsaid but it was better this way. Some things should never be said, and I only hoped that I would have the strength to survive, even though the thought of that was not alluring.

"Bella, I am really sorry for what happened. You can come home every time you want, I will inform you for our whereabouts as soon as we move. " Carlisle was trying to keep his composure but I felt how hurt he was of my departure.

"Carlisle, I'm so sorry. You are my family, you were like my father in a lot of ways and it hurts me to do this, but… I don't have choice. I am a weak creature… I just want to learn to live again. And that's not the way. " I didn't want to look him in the eyes, and as soon as we reached the airport I jumped out of the car and left him standing there. I couldn't say goodbye. I knew that I just needed to get out of that city and bought a ticket to the first place I could think of. Washington. Our next concert was supposed to be there so I called Steve to inform him that I would be there in several hours.

The endless hours in the plane were like years, but I knew that the pain I was in would be unbearable if I had stayed. It was time to face the truth- I couldn't forgive so easily, even if I wanted. They had one another, they would find their solace in one another. It was me the one who had to manage to live in loneliness -it was my destiny- to wander through the living like a walking dead shell- and I had to endure my fate. At least I had my music.

EPOV

I watched helplessly when every step she took brought her further away from me. She was gone, my mind was screaming, but Emmett was holding me in his tight grip and I couldn't make a move. There was no point in fighting- nothing would make her stay-she was stubborn as ever and I knew it was inevitable. She was gone. And I now sensed it was for ever. She walked away from my life like I had walked away from hers so many years ago. I didn't get my chance to tell her all I wanted, how I loved her, how I still love her, all the lies I had told her, how they destroyed our lives… I didn't…

"Edward, be strong!" Alice was next to me, she had wrapped her arms around me and was whispering in my ear. I looked at her with empty eyes, my silent question lingering between us- how could I be strong when the reason for my existence was gone again? I collapsed to my knees, there was not a single thought in my mind, only the inner voice that screamed "She is gone", over and over again. Her eyes would haunt me for the rest of my eternity and I was drown in the agony of that helpless desperation. I didn't fight it anymore. I just wanted to stop the pain and I closed my eyes…

3 weeks later

APOV

The silence in the house was unbearable. We were like walking shadows since the day Bella left. I remembered the day I had entered Edward's room two weeks ago- if I needed to persuade him to hunt I would do it- but the emptiness in the room scared me. There was no one. The panic was slowly burning its way through my petrified mind, and I remembered screaming Carlisle's name. All after that was like an endless blur. The search, the calls to all the people we knew, who might have seen him. The visits to all the places we could think of ,desperately hoping to find him there. But everything ended in the same way-there was not a single trace of him. But what scared me most was the absence of any visions of his future- like he didn't exist anymore. For days I sat in my room with my head in my hands, trying again and again to have one single flash of him-just to know he was alive- but there was nothing. And I was slowly starting to realize that what I dreaded the most might have come true. I couldn't face anyone of my family- I couldn't bear the pain in their eyes, their constant hope that I might have seen something and their disappointment when they found out that I haven't. The burden was too heavy for my scattered heart and I wanted to share it with somebody. I remembered the hundreds of times I had taken the phone and had started dealing the one number I was afraid of. I couldn't do this to her- she didn't want to have anything with us and telling her what might have happened with Edward was the biggest mistake I could do. She still loved him- I could see that in her eyes- and that would devastate her completely. For first time in my life I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what was happening and I didn't know how to help the people I loved more than my life.