A/N i don't own the characters :)
BPOV
The weeks were passing slowly like years, dragging on like an endless string of emptiness. The tour was over, but I couldn't remember anything. The audience on every concert was fused in front of my eyes- I couldn't see the faces, there were only two topaz eyes that haunted me. I saw him everywhere and everything reminded me of him. I hardly noticed the numerous interviews and photo shoots after every concert, and the time on the stage was the only moments that my mind registered.
"Bells, we should be leaving. The boys are waiting you outside." Natasha peeped in my dressing room and I managed to shoot her a faint smile and nodded. She entered the room and sat on the chair in front of the mirror. I put my jeans on and a blouse, but I couldn't care less what I was wearing, it didn't matter at all. Natasha sighed heavily and looked at me:
"I know that something happened during these days you were gone. I mean after the first concert. If you want, I will be happy to listen to. You know, I will never say a word." She was unsure what more to say, and was watching me with worry.
"Nathy, really, don't worry about me. I'm fine." There was no point in talking about the past- and I didn't want anyone to bring up the subject of my disappearance a few weeks ago. I preferred all that happened then to be forgotten.
"Ok, but if you change your mind, I'll be happy to help you. I'll be outside." She stood up and left the room. I looked around me. The notebook with the lyrics I've written the past one month was lying on the coach- I put it in the bag I took from the table and followed Natasha out of the room. Steve and Peter were in front of the door and the moment they saw me huge grins lit their faces.
"Babes, let's go. Daniel is already outside and as far as I know the Glamour reporter has cornered him with interesting statements. Let's save him" They were actually enjoying Daniel's distress and I ran after them to the crowd outside.
It was time to move on. I knew deep inside me that I had enough time suffering and it was time to change something. I loved music but this constant fuse was wearing me off. I had to quit this kind of life. I was afraid of that- music was the only thing that saved me from the loneliness but 2 years in this whirlpool called fame had used me up. I didn't know how to do this, but I had to quit the band and start my life quietly somewhere away from the spotlight.
I entered the car, Peter, Daniel and Steve after me and we drove to the hotel. Our flight to Los Angeles was in 2 hours and there was enough time to tell the others about my plans.
They sensed I was up to something but waited till we entered Steve's room till they all turned to me and looked me questioningly.
"Ok, Bells, tell us what is going on." Daniel was the first to break the silence.
"I don't know what to tell you. It will be better to be direct…" I stopped and took a deep breath. I didn't imagine it to be so hard. " I think I had enough of this. I want to quit.' They were speechless. I could only hear the fuzz of the people in the hotel but not a sound from the three in front of me. I couldn't hear them breathe, nothing. Just silence.
"Um, I think it was time." Steve was watching me intently. Daniel looked at him at once and then turned his gaze to me.
"Yeah, it was enough. I need some peace as well." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And it was not what I was expecting, not at all. I wanted them to shout, to convince me that it was a mistake, but all I saw in their eyes was silent content. Maybe I was overreacting when I thought that they would be angry that I wanted to end our career.
"Are you boys sure?" I knew what this band meant to them and felt pain that I was taking this life from them.
Peter was the first to speak:" Bells, you know what this life is about. We were fed up with it long ago, but we knew what music was to you. We did it for you. If you think you had enough, we will be happy to follow you." He hugged me and kissed my chick. I felt grateful for the wonderful people that were around me in this moment.
"But after we issue the last album. I know about the lyrics you were working on." Steve was watching me with intense calamity and I knew I owe him this. This last album would be our goodbye with music. And the beginning of the rest of eternity without hope and love. My official farewell with what was left of Bella.
"Ok, then it is decided. We can start as soon as we get in Los Angeles." I nodded and left the room. I needed to be alone so I went to the car, parked outside the hotel. I turned the radio on and the soothing sounds of Debussy's Clair de Lune filled the silence. Memories flashed through my mind- how I turned the CD player in his car, and he apologetically looked at me, embarrassed that he listened to classic music. His surprise that I knew about Debussy and his joy that I liked Clair De Lune. I could not think about him- I forbade myself a long ago. But that promise I broke over and over again. I turned the radio off and felt someone entering the car. I smelled Steve and Peter and knew that any second Daniel would emerge from the hotel as well. As soon as they were all in the car I drove off. Natasha was already waiting at the airport and I felt relief that we were about to leave this town. I wanted to start the work on the new album, because as soon as it was finished I would be able to leave somewhere far away. But wherever I went it wouldn't be far away enough from him.
The airport in Los Angeles was crowded and Natasha had managed to find a limousine to escort us to Steve's. I didn't have a place to go so I decided to stay at his mansion till the album was ready. I only hoped that Marta wouldn't be too angry with me- sometimes I could feel the jealousy she was radiating, but I knew that she is ashamed to feel this way towards me. I and Steve were friends and she knew that I thought of him as my bigger brother. Peter and Daniel rented a big house in one of the fanciest neighborhoods, but they decided that Steve's place was more convenient because of the new project. We all were eager to end this sort of life and locked ourselves in the studio after we hunted.
"Bells, let me see the lyrics." Peter was sitting in front of the piano, vacantly stroking the keys. I passed him the notebook and sat on the sofa. I waited to hear anything from him. But he silently read them, and then looked at me.
"That is different. A good end." Steve and Daniel were next to him in an instant and after some time Steve cleared his throat. " Definitely different." No one said anything after that. We started trying various tunes for the songs but I already had in mind what I wanted these lyrics to sound like. I sat in front of the piano and started playing. After some time Daniel joined me and when Steve found the right rhythm the song formed in my head. It was what I wanted it sound like, and I was pleased.
I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ear
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'til I don't want to sleep anymore
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
Come on tell me
You'll make this all go away
You'll make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You'll make this all go away
You'll make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now
I know it's still the same
And everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading reminder of who I use to be
Come on tell me
You'll make this all go away
You'll make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You'll make this all go away
You'll make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have
I couldn't stop thinking about him. All of my songs were dedicated to him and the devastating desire I had to forgive him, but the impossibility to do so. I imagined what we could have together- but in some other life, in some universe. I wanted something which I could never have-his love. And it hurt like hell.
My voice was filled with desperation and longing. I hated myself for my never ending love- I hated myself for being so weak, but to stop loving him was like to stop to exist. Something I coveted but could never have.
Steve and the boys were extremely satisfied with the song and we recorded the demo. I was going to send it to Natasha, so she would find the producers for our last album. We hadn't told her about our decision to end our career, and were afraid of her reaction. She took all this business too seriously and I was sure she would be very disappointed.
We spent the night watching some films Steve had chosen and I was grateful that they left me to my thoughts. I needed time to arrange my priorities but after the night had passed I was in the same position I was before-without a clue what I was supposed to do with my life.