Sexy and Luscious stepped gingerly into the hallway of this vast mansion as though they were expecting someone to jump out of a nearby suit of armour and ambush them. It was dark inside the house, and the hallway they were walking down had no doors leading off it. There were no stairs either, but from the outside the house had looked like it had had at least three floors. Suits of armour were stationed every now and again against the walls, each had a weapon it its hand, like a sword or a mace.
"Is this the only room in the house? Oh and how did you know the password? Sexy?"
But Sexy was not listening. He had walked over to the nearest suit of armour and was studying it closely.
"What are you doing?" Luscious hurried over and peered at the statue. Suddenly the statue reached out and, just missing Sexy, grabbed Luscious by the hair. He began to squeal in pain.
"I guess you didn't notice," Sexy said softly, "that as soon as you started speaking, every suit of armour in this place looked at you raising its weapon? Didn't think so. Now if my assumptions are correct, the other rooms in this house should be behind these suits of armour." He pointed his wand at the suit of armour holding Luscious by the hair, said "Relashio," and it let go. "So how do we get past them?"
As he was pondering how to get past the suits of armour, the suit of armour directly in front of them lowered its weapon and all the suits of armour in the hall said in unison in voices like rusty metal, "I'm hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet. I am jelly. What am I?"
"Oooh a riddle?" Luscious yelled excitedly. "Can I answer? Chee-"
"Jelly, you idiot. It's jelly." Sexy interrupted.
All the suits of armour stood to attention and moved to one side creakily. Oak double doors appeared on the wall which they had been leaning on. The doors opened upon a dark and ominous looking passageway, Sexy cast his wand light around, "It's clear" he murmured and stepped boldly into the passageway.
"GARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH" A strange high pitched war cry echoed in the passageway as small, electric blue figures flung themselves at Luscious and Sexy.
"EEEEEKKKK" screeched Luscious as he looked down at the teaming mass of creatures that covered him from head to toe. "Oh, there only Cornish Pixies, ha, ha, ha- OW!" his laughter turned into a scream as one pixie, seeming to recognise an insult, tugged sharply on his precious hair.
Sexy saw this and shook several pixies off his arm, freed his wand hand and pointed his wand at the little pests. "Impedimenta!"he yelled. Several of the pixies let go and stopped in mid-air. Luscious saw what Sexy was doing and followed suit. Jets of light bounced off the walls and soon the floor was covered in a blue carpet of twitching pixies. They reached the end of the corridor and opened another ornate door onto the narrow stairway beyond. Now safely on the other side, Luscious beamed at Sexy and raised his hand, waiting for a high five.
"Go team!" he crowed happily, to accompany the gesture. Sexy stared, coldly at Luscious in disapproval and shook his head sadly. He opened his mouth to speak but a loud BANG from above pushed the idea firmly out of his mind.
"OW! I dropped another crate of cheese on my foot!!!" said a muffled voice from the same direction.
"Not again Bert! The Boss won't be happy if anything happens to that cheese!!"
"Something tells me we're heading in the right direction," Sexy whispered. The masters of hair care climbed the stairway stealthily and reached, yet another, set of double doors.
"Wait," advised Luscious before Sexy could enter the adjoining room. Sexy turned and looked at Luscious as he reached into his pocket and withdrew two pairs of Extendable Ears.
"Well done," remarked Sexy in awe. "That's the first good idea you've had all day." They pressed the ears against the door and listened. Sexy estimated there were about five people in the room, four of them, his ears detected, moving crates. He kept hearing odd noises and soon realised one man, not working, was laughing in the characteristic way of evil masterminds. Sexy and Luscious jumped as another large BANG sounded from behind the door. The laughter stopped abruptly. An eerie silence filled the room and the people inside waited with baited breath.
"What happened?" said a scarily familiar voice that, behind the authority, seemed to be on the verge of hysterical laughter once more.
"I dropped some cheese," came a meek voice which could have been Bert's.
"Oh," this voice belonged to the man who was obviously the boss. His state of calmness broke. "NEVER DROP THE CHEESE!! IS THIS WHAT I'M PAYING YOU FOR TO MESS WITH THE WONDOROUS DAIRY PRODUCT THAT IS CHEESE? GO OUTSIDE AND THINK OF WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF YOU!!!!"
Hurried footsteps left the room. And the 'boss' was now quite alone. Sexy burst in cast the "Muffliato" spell repeatedly at the backs of the retreating men and shot the spell "Incarcerous"at the boss to tie him up in thick ropes. He struggled and tried to call for help but Luscious held him down. The man was quite old and scarred with a grizzled beard. His eyes were bulging in fury and his jaw was twitching like mad. He gave the impression that his mental health was a bit unstable. Sexy knew he had to get some answers so he took a bottle of what appeared to be normal shampoo in his pocket and poured it down the villain's throat.
"What's that?" Luscious asked looking puzzled.
"Veritaserum," he glanced at Luscious's puzzled expression "That's truth serum to you, I always carry a bottle."
"What's your name?" he said, now addressing the man.
"Crazy Chops Charlie." He replied before he could stop himself.
Luscious gasped, "You're Mad Eye Moody's brother!" Sexy now knew where he'd seen the man before. He had accompanied Mad Eye many times on visits to the Order as he too had become a member. Of course that was before he had mysteriously disappeared.
"So you were an Auror with your brother weren't you?" Crazy Chops nodded. "Then what happened?"
"I never really enjoyed being an Auror it was something my parents made me do." He revealed in a voice as grizzled as his beard. "I saw some awful things on that job so I had to escape. And then…." He paused as his jaw twitched uncontrollably. "It was my brother. My brilliant brother, with all his smarts and his magic eye. He drove me to evil!!!" Crazy Chops roared and struggled against his bindings. After he had been calmed down the "evil genius" resumed his tale. "I was relaxing after a hard day at work with my favourite snack, a cheese sandwich, when the doorbell rang! I got back and he was eating it!!!! My beloved cheese sandwich!!!"
Luscious looked around the room. He had not noticed the crates marked 'cheese' on one side of the room nor the crates marked 'baguettes'. He then saw large bottles with 'poison' inscribed on the side. There were also several finished cheese/poison sandwiches lying around. "What does this have to do with Quidditch?" asked Luscious, "why poison the players?"
Suddenly Sexy realised. "The Italians!!! Mad Eye loved that team! He always supported them in the World Cup because England never got through!" Crazy chops nodded vigorously.
"But normal people would have been killed too!" exclaimed Luscious.
"So? What do I care! I'm Crazy!"
At this point Sexy signalled Luscious and pointing their wands at Crazy Chops said in unison.
"OBLIVIATE!" A jet of light hit Crazy Chops in the chest and Sexy untied him. The former villain looked around blearily.
"Oh look! A sandwich! I wonder what's in it. Why it's cheese!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cried Sexy and Luscious as Charlie took one big bite.