What The Heart Wants
12-25-08
Merry Christmas. And yes this is just a thinly disguised memoir
She's become depressed: She can't stop thinking about him. She wants him, to talk to him and to know him but she doesn't dare. So she continues her everyday life missing him all the time, thinking about him, and day dreaming of a happier future for them both. She makes Honor Roll, starts a new journal, goes to work and comes home where she lays in bed and wishes he were next to her. It's a crap way to live and she hates it.
Sometimes when she has a spare minute she'll let herself hate him. Hate him for taking advantage of her, not once but twice. She wants to hate him forever, it's a lot easier than missing him. She can't stop thinking about how he crushed her and dismissed her feelings. But then she thinks about his voice, the different pitches, the way it gets low when he kissed her, she thinks of how caring he can be, like when he called her whenever he said he would and talked to her when she was upset. At that point she just wants to call him and say take me back but of course she resisted.
It's November twentieth...it's his birthday! All day at school she worries about it: should she call, text, or ignore it? How can she ignore it? It's the day he came into the world! He's turning twenty...and she's still sixteen. Is this why he broke it off, because it was almost his birthday and he's now four years older again? The day was almost over and she's looked at his name in her phone the whole day. Before she can change her mind she sends him a happy birthday text. He didn't reply.
A week later is thanksgiving and she's determined to talk to him. She wants him to say anything, she wants this break or whatever they're going through to end, soon. So after working six hours at the bakery she texts him. Still no reply. Time goes on and sometimes she misses him a lot, so much that she feels so lonely. All the time. The loneliness just won't go away and she doesn't know what to do anymore. A part of her though, this part that no matter what anyone does to her, says to her, has hope. That's the problem with loneliness, it leaves you living for the hope of a tomorrow that will never materialize.
One Saturday night she's sitting at home surfing the web. When she notices one of her ex has changed his profile picture. In the picture he's got a girl hugging his neck from behind and they look so happy. She starts to tear up because he was her's first. She was with him before that girl yet that girl kept him, somehow. What hurt wasn't that he had a girlfriend, it was the fact that he had told her less than five days ago he wanted to see her again and when she explains she wanted commitment he had said he didn't want a girlfriend. She was so upset she started to cry, why didn't anyone want to be with her?
What was so wrong with her that someone found it impossible to just be with her and her alone? She knows she's not the greatest girl out there, she's not as pretty, or tall, she doesn't have the right sense of humor, she's just not girlfriend material. But the thing is, she wants to be so bad. Her ex getting a girlfriend was the final straw in a long list of things that could go wrong. Kagome went to her room, layed on her bed and cried for a few minutes. Then she sat there feeling lonely and thats when the urge hit her: She just had to hear Sesshomaru's voice even if it was just his voice mail. She debated and then at nine thirty on the dot she called him:
Ring...
Ring...
Ring...
Ring...
Ring...
Ring...
Your call has been forward to...
When she heard his voice she hung up quickly. Had he ignored her call? Did he not want to deal with her? She was glad she had hung up because she didn't know what she would have said that wouldn't have sounded needy, whinny, or end with her crying to his voice mail, she's learned from that mistake. She doesn't want to alienate him, no she wants to draw him closer. So she devises a plan to stop communication, end everything: All of her feelings.
On monday she's home sitting at her computer when her phone alerts her to a text.
Text message from Sesshomaru...
Beep....
She can't breathe
Beep....
Her hearts beating fast
Beep....
Damn it hurts
Beep
She doesn't know what hurts more, the fact that she couldn't breathe the moment before or that her heart beat is off the charts. She puts her hand on her chest and opens her phone. Instead of view now she clicks view later. Then she texts Sango and notifies her of the change in status quo. After Sango texted her to look at it, she did. And she was very disappointed:
From: Sesshomaru
You called the other night?
She was surprised because a foolish part of her, her heart, had hoped he'd be wanting her, begging her to be with him. Women are so stupid.
Kagome:
oh yeah i did. Sorry
From: Sesshomaru
Its all good..what you want?
Oh god, she hated the way he phrased that: like she hadnt offered herself to him on three different occasions, she wonders if he ever thinks of her when he gets into his car.
Kagome:
yea idk...haha
From: Sesshomaru
Oh ok
Kagome:
yea sorry i don't know why i do that.
From: Sesshomaru
Its ok
Kagome:
way to say thank you when i texted you happy birthday
Kagome:
Yea well
From: Sesshomaru
oh sorry..well thanks
Kagome:
so why'd you text me and welcome
From: Sesshomaru
Um bc you called me the other nite
Kagome:
you could have ignored it
She wants him to admit he had hit ignored but she also wants to know why he texted her two days after she called.
From: Sesshomaru
Yea
Kagome:
Why didn't you?
From: Sesshomaru
idk
Kagome:
Ok. are we friends? Lol can we be friends? Is that even possible?
She added that lol because she didn't want to sound nagging, it's something she needs to work on.
From: Sesshomaru
yeaa thats possible
Kagome:
so whats new?
She just never wanted him to go.
From: Sesshomaru
not much just been working goin to school working out same old shit...you
She wonders why he put in the working out thing. Is he trying to impress her? She was already impressed.
Kagome:
i joined a kick boxing classss = D. Work. Made honor roll. And yea thats really it.
From: Sesshomaru
cool
Kagome:
yea its fun. Hows school and work and...stuff.
She doesn't know what else to say. How much longer could this go on?
From: Sesshomaru
ok i guess ive been busy.
Kagome:
how many days of vacation do you have? You sound really not happy.
What she really meant was he sounded bored and uninterested in the conversation.
Kagome:
are you not happy?
No matter what she can't stop caring. She really does care if he's happy. It's just that she wants him to be happy with her.
From: Sesshomaru
Im happy
She was hoping to hear i'm miserable without you. That girl wasn't real, i made her up!
From: Sesshomaru
and im only off xmas the day after and new years day
Why was he telling her this? Maybe there was hope...
Kagome:
wow, I thought college kids got a month off. I got sixteen days off so i feel said for you.
From: Sesshomaru
well i go to trade school its different bc its school with work so im only off when im off from work
Aaah she wished she could hear his voice.
Kagome:
oh ok. I see. So your turn
Talk dammit!
Kagome:
so question..why'd you stop talking to me?
She wants to know so bad.
From: Sesshomaru
idk. Im just rele busy with other things
Kagome:
you stopped talking to me because you were busy? Or was it something else?
From: Sesshomaru
well both i met a girl and whatnot and idk
Kagome:
ok so you met the love of your life, so that meant never talking to me again?
God, she's so tired of being ditched.
From: Sesshomaru
shes not the love of my life and idk
She almost got on her knees and thanked God.
Kagome:
yea you do know. Just tell me
From: Sesshomaru
Im serious
Kagome:
lol. Ok. Fine. I'll stop.
Because she didn't want to make him go away, for the third time.
From: Sesshomaru
Ok
Kagome:
sooo, what'd you get me for xmas...You got me something riiight
She needed to lighten the mood and keep him talking but she's afraid to talk about anything deep, anything that's been burning her mind since she felt his lips again October thirteen, just a few months ago.
From: Sesshomaru
Haha umm no
Surprise surprise. She shouldn't be sad, but she is a little. Although she didn't get him anything either it wasn't because she hadn't thought about it, she thought about getting him a birthday present too but then realized there would be no point, she'd probably end up wearing it anyways.
Kagome:
wait. You didn't get me anything for my birthday or xmas...um are you stupid?
She wish they'd gotten to know each other better, she's a little worried he might think she's serious.
From: Sesshomaru
Unm no
Kagome:
so wheres my gift, Sesshomaru?
From: Sesshomaru
idk lol
Yes, she got him to laugh...does this mean there's a chance for them? Third times a charm.
Kagome:
I think you got like everyone in the world a gift but me...i saw homeless people on the street and they're like "look what Sesshomaru got me!" and i'm like "wooow where's my gift?..."
From: Sesshomaru
Hahaha your silly
She couldn't stop smiling. God, he was endearing. Fuck, no one should want another person like this, especially when they certainly dont want you back. But what does he want? Was he flirting?
Kagome:
...you think I'm kidding don't you? I will send you a picture of me with a guy who you got a gift.
She sent him a picture of her with her friends boyfriend when they all camped out Best Buy the day after thanksgiving.
She couldn't let it end. It was so stupid, she just wanted to talk to him but how do you tell a guy who obviously fears commitment you just plain old miss him? Without him taking it like a death sentence. Men are so stupid.
Kagome:
nooow. Im gonna ask one more time...so, Sesshomaru...where's my gift?
From: Sesshomaru
i didn't get you one
Kagome:
oo. that wasn't the answer but nice try. The correct answer was in the mail. Sooorry.
He stopped answering
Kagome:
what would you say if i was like you turned me gay?
From: Sesshomaru
haha idk i prob wouldn't care
Kagome:
I'd like die if someone did that to me. Imagine being the person that makes someone realize "no, i like people the same sex as me".
From: Sesshomaru
that would be horrible
she couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic and she was sorry she said anything, she was just grasping at nothing.
Kagome:
you know that CD you wanted me to make? I just made it like two weeks ago.
He never replies. And she doesn't try to text him. She's decided to continue on with ending all contact. If he wants to talk he'll text her, right? Soon it's Christmas day, a few days after they've texted. At eight fifty one AM he texted her:
From: Sesshomaru
merry Christmas
She texted back when she got the chance.
Kagome:
Hey Merry Christmas.
He hasn't texted back. She'll give him space. In the mean time she's trying to be better, get to know herself...yea she's started reading self help books.
AN. Merry Christmas again. i just want to know what you guys think the whole conversation means? i'm confused.