What's Love Really Feel Like?

It was another lonely Saturday night, all by herself. Which was never good because she did stupid things when she was alone. She was laying in her bed listening to her iPod and looking through her phone. She saw his number...

Ring

Ring

Ring

You've reached the voice mail box of 555-5555...

"Sango! It's nine twenty five, I'm giving you until nine thirty to call me back and stop me from calling Sesshomaru!" and she hung up. Five minutes later it was nine thirty, she held her breath and clicked send while her heart pulsated against her ribcage.

"Hello?" He shouted into the phone, fighting to be heard over the loud music.

"Hey..." She hadn't thought he would answer.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing...You?"

"I'm at a bar so I can't talk now, I'll call you later."

"Okay." She hangs up feeling weird, gosh he sounded sexy... She has always loved his voice, the way he pronounced words and overall spoke sounded so sexy. She didn't think she could ever get enough of that boy because no self help book, no amount of talking (to her self or anyone else) no matter how rational and right the ideas, could ever stop her from caring about that man. It was a curse, she cared too much.

The next day she's up at nine AM, early for a Sunday. She speaks to Sango for a while until they hang up and she's left alone with herself. She couldn't resist:

"Hey. Sorry I didn't call back last night I was so out of it." Oh how she wished she could wake up to his voice everyday.

"It's okay, I knew you wouldn't call me back," even when they had been friends (sort of) she had to call him.

"So what are you doing?" he asked.

"Laying in bed, you?" She was hoping he'd think of the time they'd been in her bed, together moist with sweat and other bodily fluids. Did he not think of how he put her legs over his shoulder and held them so firmly and sensually that she could still feel the heat of his hands?

"Taking out the trash, my socks are soaked," Aw. He was so cute, he had to know what he was doing to her, she wondered if he was half naked. It's hard to think of him in clothes and not want to rip them off and see him bare because he was so beautiful naked. She only wished he'd say that about her.

"That's so cute you're taking out the trash."

"Hold on. Hey Tyler what's up...Does anyone want this slice of pizza?...Anyways what are you doing today?"

"Laying in bed until I have work at five." She says smiling.

"Lazy."

"I know," she giggles and hopes he finds her attractive, she feels hope beaming on the horizon.

"Okay, I've got to go eat this pizza but I'll talk to you later."

"Alright, have fun watching football and drinking until you puke," she knows he does this every weekend. When they hang up she's feeling excited. Maybe third time is a charm! When she's at work she can't wait to get home because she wants to call him from her bed and imagine him laying in his bed, to her that's better than sex. Instead she texts him because her boss was nice enough to drive her home and she wanted to talk to him.

Kagome:

My mom was like what ever happened to that Spanish kid you had over a few months ago and I laughed because you told me people always thought you were Spanish lol

Sesshomaru:

Well I'm glad ur mom was thinkin about me haha

Kagome:

Yeaa, she has it for you bad.

Sesshomaru:

Well tell her I'm available whenever she is

Kagome:

She says she's game when you are.

Sesshomaru:

Tell her I'm rede right now

Oh why couldn't he be saying that to her?

Kagome:

Well she's busy at the moment but I'm here.

Sesshomaru:

Haha

Kagome:

Kidding, I'm sooo not into you.

She was so past "into" and was in "drowning"

The next day she was walking to work when she called him. She sat on the side of a Blockbuster's and they talked, she didn't have to be at work for another nine minutes. He was telling her about his car accident that happened back in August and soon he was telling her about how on Friday he almost had sex with a thirty five year old women in a bar bathroom. She laughed as if she weren't disgusted and envious.

"...And the bouncer came in and was like you guys need to leave and I was like yeah I know, haha. But it was so bad, I'm so mad at myself."

"Was she at least hot?" Play it cool she kept repeating.

"Not at all."

"Wooow."

"And I gave her my number and like she keeps texting me but I'm not answering." She vaguely wonders about that girl he was trying to be "all about" but doesn't bring it up. He has to go eat dinner and they hang up.

The next day she's walking to work again and they're talking.

"Remember when we first met? I didn't even like you that much." She says. It feels important he knows he liked her more at one point.

"Liar. You were like obsessed with me."

"I was not!"

"Okay, I already know the truth. You called me like eight times Saturday night when I was asleep."

"I was leaving you really good messages, you should listen." She couldn't stop smiling.

"Anyways, why did you like message me or whatever that day?" It was something she's always wanted to know.

"I don't know, I heard your message and I was like oh she's eighteen and from New York, cool. But you were just lying to me."

"Hey, I told you the truth eventually!"

"I found out when your mom came home and you confessed outside." And you gave me the sweetest kiss before you left, she wants to say. She wants to say:

Remember how you begged me for my number? How you said we had a connection, something you hadn't felt before? How you begged to meet me? Was that all just a line? Because I really felt that connection, I thought it was real. I still feel it.

Later that night she texts him.

Kagome:

So what don't you like about having sex with me?

She only asked because she was curious and wanted to fix it, whatever it was that made her so unattractive, it would probably help her years from then, save her a ton on the therapy she knew she was going to need.

Sesshomaru:

Please stop. It's just you're sixteen and I'm twenty and that's honestly it. So I'm not gonna answer another question about this.

Kagome:

Wow. I'm sorry I didn't think it was a big deal. I'm just curious.

She felt bad, she really was just curious. He didn't answer.

Kagome:

Hey. Sometimes I take things too far. I'll drop it.

He doesn't answer. Hours go by and soon she's at home on her couch and she just knows this is it. Nothing is ever going to happen between them but the sad thing is she just wants him more! She lays down and cries. She tried to stop the sound by pushing her face into the seat then by covering her mouth which seems to do the trick because she cries for half an hour straight and her mom didn't pause in her telephone conversation in her bedroom less than twenty feet away.

As she's crying she doesn't know if she'll ever be okay because nothing seems okay when you can't have what you want so desperately. She knows then that she loves him and that she'll always sort of be waiting for him, even if she finds another boy, another man, Sesshomaru stole her heart and she doesn't think she wants it back, it's too bruised.

An: For now it's finished. Terribly unhappy ending, I know. Chapter Title comes from the lyrics of a song by an amazing artist named Alfonzo. Visit him at My space /fonzoiii He's Amazing!

1/6/09