Lips

May

Drew is such an idiot. I can't believe that he would do something as... as rash, as stupid as that. God. He's a loser and an idiot and a freaking psycho to think that I would still feel something for him, that he could just get away with something like that.

I don't have any feelings for him anymore. I don't, I don't.

Then why is it that I think of him, and him only, when I look into Brendan's eyes?

He's haunting me in my every thought, every word, every touch and look. I can't look at one without seeing the other. It's so stupid and I don't understand why I can't make myself think straight when he gets close to me and I know that Brendan is so much sweeter and understanding and not so stupid.

God.

Brendan knows, or at least some part of it. He's given me strange looks, held me more tightly when he enters the room, until I can almost feel the emotions that boil beneath his skin. His talk is more strained, his looks more possessive. At the party, his words were cold when he saw Drew's gift for me: a necklace with a blue opal and a card that said only "It matches your eyes." Why can't that freaking idiot just give up? I don't want to let him know... I can't let him know that he makes me like this. He was always so obsessed with winning; this'll just make him think he's so much better and smarter and he'll give me that arrogant, arrogant smirk that always seems to make me cry...

And today, Brendan even asked.

"He still... has feelings for you, doesn't he?"

I glanced up at him from the magazine I was holding. The fear must have shown in my eyes.

"Do you have any feelings for him?"

I tossed my magazine aside. Brendan's eyes flickered to my hand and back to find that I had leaned closer.

"Could I?" I whispered. "Could I feel anything for him--" I laid my lips on his, "--when I do this?"

He pulled away from my embrace and straightened, his eyes filled with doubt. Even then, at that moment, I remembered how trusting Drew had always been, how he would have accepted my words without question. Something fluttered, broken-winged, in the air between myself and the one I thought-- no, knew-- was the right one. I wanted that weak thing to live, so I could cling to something other than memories. I gently pushed it foward, looking deep into Brendan's eyes.

"I... I don't know."

The thing that had hovered feebly now fell limply to the ground - and with it, my heart.

I gathered up the remains and left.

It hurt him, I know, but what else could I have done? I felt... I felt betrayed. He simply watched me go, that heartbreaking look in his eyes, when Drew would have--

Who cares what he would have done! I'm sick of him for poisoning my dreams and my wishes and my life. It's not fair, it's just not fair... It's all dying, just because of him, just because he watches me, watches my eyes, watches my life and wishes to make it his.

I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know. I know I love Brendan. I know I love that way he always smiles at me, I know I feel my heart beat quickly when he's near me and he kisses me and whispers things in my ears. But Drew is the only one who matters, the one who watches and wastes away, grieving and dying. He breaks himself, piece by piece, over and over, just for me, until there's nothing left. He's always known, but he's helpless to do anything, because I don't love him anymore, do I?