Hands

Drew

I couldn't sleep last night. The thought of her tortures me until I can't even breathe... and every image of her is like fresh blood spattered across my mind.

I don't understand it. I don't know why I still love her, even when she's given herself to another. I don't know why she still thinks of me while in his arms, I don't know why I dream of her again and again. Life is no longer a life; instead, it becomes my cage while I try so desperately to still this incessant breathing, this damning heartbeat...

I'm such a hopeless idiot.

She was crying. That's all I can remember, that she was crying and I hated myself at that moment, hated myself for making her cry, hated myself so deeply that I couldn't move until I realized the least I could do for her. All I could do was hold her like I had before, when we had known what we felt and what we wanted. But now I don't know. And she doesn't know. And even Brendan doesn't know.

Now, as I part the curtains on the window, the light seeps in. Into the room, but not into my heart. God, I sound so pathetic. But I can't entertain these kinds of thoughts, because every scar I give myself will only hurt her more.

The clock reads six AM. I get up, I dress. Silently, I open the door and walk out; the corridor is empty. I'm in the Pokemon Center, where everyone is staying for the moment - including her. I can't stay inside. I walk downstairs to the front lobby, then out the automatic doors. The air bites at my skin for a moment while I pull my sweater on, shivering. Clouds drift aimlessly across the sky, as if mirroring my emotions.

"May," I whisper, but no one hears.

Stuffing my hands inside my pockets, I trudge slowly across the street, not wanting to go anywhere and yet not wanting to stay. The roads are silent; a Poochyena trots along, sniffing the ground undisturbedly. I pause to watch it, this small symbol of innocence.

To my surprise, it turns to look at me. I freeze as it slowly makes its way toward me, across the leaf-strewn sidewalk and the cracked cement. Whining, it stops before me and looks up at me with pleading eyes.

"You're so innocent," I murmur. It pushes its head against my hand, trying to sniff it. I try to smile, but I can't. Sighing, I turn back the way I came, leaving the Poochyena to continue on its way. And then I stop, because I can't believe my eyes. May stands at the door of the Pokemon Center, frozen, watching me as I walk toward her, and my heart pounds. She just stands there, watching me, trying not to smile, trying not to cry.

Yesterday's events flash through my mind like an inflamed scar, and I turn away.

"Drew!"

Not again.

May steps out onto the street, first walking, then running across until she reaches my side, panting. My blood pounds in my ears as I watch her regain her breath. "Drew," she says again, and the sound of my name nearly kills me.

"I'm sorry."

She stares at me, then tries to smile. "What are you saying sorry for?" she says weakly.

"Look, I'm sorry for everything that I've done to you," I try to say, my heart weighing like lead, but she shakes her head.

"I'm sorry, too."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about."

"No. I do."

I can't look at her anymore.

She starts again. "Drew, I'm sorry that I never saw... I never saw what you truly thought. Or wanted. And now it's too late to turn back, isn't it? And I don't want to ask you to be 'just friends', because we never were just friends and we never will be." Even though I'm not looking at her, I can hear the tears in her voice. "I was so stupid to think that I would get over you and you would get over me. That was the biggest mistake I ever made. I still want you, and I know Brendan knows and he'll probably never forgive me. And," she brushes away the tears in her eyes, and the sound of her shaky laugh is enough to make my heart rend in two, "I know that your forgiveness is more than I can hope for."

"May," I say, voice choked, but she gathers herself and goes on.

"So now... I just want to say that I'm sorry for everything I did to you, and you don't need to apologize for anything. I was just really stupid, that's all. It was all my fault, you know..."

"No, it wasn't...!"

I'm cut off, because all the while she was talking, she was moving away. She steps off the sidewalk and turns to me again, a smile on her lips, trying not to waver. I turn away, because I can't look. But suddenly a sound blots out the rest of my conciousness, and I look up just in time to see-

"May!" I shout, but it's too late, because there she is, lying on the asphalt, the car screeched to a stop as the driver runs out, and I fall to my knees beside her. She stares at me, eyes glazing over with pain, and I don't know what to do when she faints, because she was the only thing that tied me to sanity. Voices rush over me, loud, familiar voices that I don't recognize, and I know that Brendan is not among them, because he's not here, he's never here for her when she needs him, and then May becomes the only thing in my world as I cry.