"Gender Neutral'
Akane furiously stormed into the Cat Cafe, dragging Ranma by the pigtail. Not even stopping to dodge Mousse's swinging weapon, as he thought it was Ranma himself rampaging in, Akane backhanded the sword, and punched the male Amazon in the face in barely two swift movements.
Cologne observed the rather brisk battle, rather impressed with the girl's current efficiency. Then again, Akane Tendou did look extremely pissed at the moment.
Cologne didn't have to wait long, as Akane suddenly used Ranma's pigtail to stand him before the Amazon Elder. Once Ranma was on his feet, Akane pointed to his crotch, "FIX IT. NOW!"
Cologne decided that this would definitely be interesting, "Pardon me, child, but I can't say I'm aware-"
Akane turned around, and jerked down Ranma's pants.
"-of the problem," Cologne finished, almost dazed at the sight. She quickly shook her head, getting herself together, "Alright, Son-in-law... how in the hell did you manage this?"
"Jerk thought he found a cure..." Akane grumbled, holding onto her anger, as it was the only thing keeping her from totally freaking out.
Bringing out her pipe, Cologne began to light it with a shaky hand, before deciding that what she currently had on her was far from powerful enough, "Excuse me, I must go to the cellar for a moment."
Ranma glared at Akane, as he pulled his pants back on, "Was that necessary?"
Akane turned to shout at Ranma; her mouth wide open and ready to shrill any rebuke that came to mind. All she was capable were unintelligable cacks and chokes. With a hooded gaze, Ranma refixed his rope belt, "You know? The way you're acting, you would think that it belonged to you..."
Akane raised a finger, jamming it into Ranma's nose, as the strangled noises she was making became louder. Ranma rolled his eyes, "You're being wayyy too spastic here..."
"SPASTIC? *SPASTIC*?!?" Akane jerked down Ranma's pants, and knelt before the pigtailed boy...girl... somethingrather, "YOUR PENIS IS *GONE*, POOF, BECOME AWOL!! HOW IN THE KAMI'S NAME ARE YOU TAKING THIS SO CALMLY?!?"
"What pervert girl screa-" Both Ranma and Akane turned to look at Shampoo, as she entered the restaurant from making a delivery. Noting Ranma's chagrinned expression, Akane's nearly hysterical one, and their position, Shampoo came to a conclusion, and suddenly was holding her favored bonbori maces.
"WAIT! YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG!" Ranma shouted, quickly turning to ward off the enraged Amazon. That proved unnecessary, as Shampoo paused, her expression frozen, before suddenly falling backwards like an improperly balanced statue.
"Well, that was easy enough," Ranma replied, scratching the back of his head.
"Ranma..." the pigtailed boy was suddenly reminded of Akane's presence, "I'm happy that you don't seem to find NOT HAVING A DICK A PROBLEM... but it would help me greatly IF YOU WOULD SHOW SOME DAMN CONCERN!!!"
Ranma blinked at Akane's vulgar outburst, "Well, I am pretty concerned, I mean I am rather attached to it."
"I..." Akane let out a shuddering breath to calm herself, "I.. am going to hit you."
Taking a step back, Ranma finally realized exactly how upset Akane was. If she was actually warning him, it probably ment that he wouldn't live through her assault. "Geez, you're acting like it was yours or something."
"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT WAS MINE!" Akane screeched, "I HAD PLANS FOR THAT THING!" Ranma would have blushed at her outburst, if he had the hormones to back the thought process Akane should have invoked. Suddenly, Akane jerked to meet him eye level, "Ranma, listen and listen good. You BETTER get your pecker back soon, or else..."
Ranma gulped, but felt he had to remain defiant, "Or else, what?" That probably wasn't the best course of action, as Akane began to growl, and pulled back her free hand, forming it into a fist. Just before she could give him a quaint sample of 'or else', the sound wood clattering against wood alerted them to present company.
"Ancestors, it's still missing," Cologne mumbled, before reaching down to pick up her pipe. Akane and Ranma both blinked, before looking down, and noticing Ranma's pants were still dropped from the second time Akane pulled them down.
Akane released Ranma, allowing him to attempt to salvage an illusion of dignity, and pull his pants back up. Taking a deep breath of her still lit pipe, Cologne approached, forcably attempting to calm herself, "Now tell me, Son... er... Ranma..." damn it, these herbs still weren't strong enough, "...how did you come across this cure?"
"Well, Ryoga told me about it, and..." Ranma gave a quick glance towards Akane, "he told me that he had seen it work."
Cologne fortunately caught the way he was attempting to be coy about Ryoga's curse, "I see, so he... saw it wipe out the curse completely?"
Ranma nodded, "Yeah, and I, uh, have no reason to doubt him."
Cologne took a deeper drag from her pipe, "And where did you aquire this cure for your curse from?"
"Some guy in a cave up north in Sendai. Old guy with a turbin."
The Amazon Matriarch's eyes darkened, "Cave on Matsushida Bay?"
Ranma was about to nod, before his face scrunched up, "You knew about it?"
Cologne waited to reply, after she was finished hammering her forehead into the wall. "Why yes, yes I did," Cologne replied, in a falsely sweet voice, "I also knew that that rat bastard that sold you the concoction in the first place is a shyster and a fraud of the highest degree."
"I dunno, seemed like it worked... in a way," Ranma commented, shrugging.
The Amazon matriarch chose not to hit him, because she wasn't sure if she currently had the capacity to pull her blow. Instead, she settled for taking another puff from her pipe. "You see... Ranma. His 'cure' doesn't rid you of the curse, just eliminates aspects of it. You know... pig snouts, cat ears, duck bills..." Cologne glared at Ranma, "Gender specifics..."
"YOU.... IDIOT!!!!" Ranma didn't catch Akane's outraged retort, as her shiny new steel plated 'walnut crusher' mallet caught him first.
"That's right, Akane-dear," Cologne stated calmly, after taking a very liberal inhale from her reality altering 'medication', "Throttle some much needed sense into that thick skull of his.
Akane was more than eager to comply, as she ignored Cologne, Shampoo's twitching body, and that tiny little voice in her head that said, "Maybe you're going a tad too far?"
Because, quite frankly, there was no one around that wouldn't find this validating.
_________________________
"You stupid tomboy," Ranma groused, as he continued to bandage his head in the room he shared with his father, "I was unconcious after the first two hits already!" Akane was leaning against the wall, barely managing to restrain her unquenched lust to beat the holy Hell out of Ranma for the trauma he inflicted uponher.
"Shut up, Ranma... just... shut up."
"I mean, it's not like I'm some kind of perverted hermaphrodite freak or something," Ranma commented, trying to make light of things.
"No, Ranma, this is much more disturbing."
"Aw, will you just lay off it? The old Ghoul said she would look into it, I got some faith in her."
"She's only doing it because she felt that it would be beyond basic humanity to leave you with the result of your idiocy," Akane commented, drolly.
Ranma stood up, "Hey! So I made an impulsive mistake, alright? This is embarrassing enough as it is without you rubbing it in."
"EMBARRASING? YOU'RE AS ANATOMICALLY CORRECT AS A BARBIE DOLL, AND THIS IS JUST 'EMBARRASSING'?!?"
Ranma looked down, and back up at Akane, "I really wish you would stop doing that." Akane screamed, turning away from the pigtailed eunic with his pants and boxers around his ankles.
"It's about damn time, the two of you-"
Both Akane and Ranma turned to the door, realizing they had forgotten to close it, just as Nabiki was walking by. "The two of us, what?" Ranma asked, still waiting for Nabiki to finish her statement.
Instead, the middle Tendou sister suddenly reappeared, on her hands and knees, with her face only inches from Ranma's crotch. She then looked up at Ranma with wide, shocked eyes, then back to his crotch, then back up to Ranma, and then his crotch, and then back to...
"Where. Is. It. Saotome..."
Ranma found himself a bit nervous under Nabiki's scruteny, "Ah.... where's what?"
"DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME!!!" Nabiki shouted, as she grabbed the lapels of Ranma's shirt, and spittled saliva all over his face, "PUT IT BACK, NOW!!!"
"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way," Ranma retorted wiping the spit from his face, "'Sides, it's not your problem."
"This... is not up for discussion," Nabiki said, finally letting go, "Understand this, you... are a precious commodity in an area that rarely sees anything passing a sembalance of admirable masculinity. As much as we were scraping the barrel, you were the prime specimen in this town."
Nabiki cleared her throat, and managed to bring her expression back to her typical business facade, "So, it is quite simple, you see. A good portion of my business is based off of your... assets..."
Akane's eyes narrowed, "Who else have you been selling pictures of Ranma's shlong to?" They were supposed to be an exclusive deal.
Nabiki seemed to ignore the question, "...not to mention, several residents of this household will forever be scarred by this tragic ordeal. For your peace of mind, and ours, this WILL be rectified. No ands, ifs, or buts. DO I MAKE MYSELF $&#@!%&$ CLEAR?!?!?"
"All of you are overreacting Ranma replied, calmly, gently removing Nabiki's hands from his shirt.
Akane spoke up, "I think our reaction is understandable SINCE YOUR HOOD ORDIMANT IS MISSING!!!"
"Oh my, must you shout?" Kasumi asked, poking her slightly distressed head into Ranma's room. Immidiately, the strain was replaced with an oblivious smile, "Oh, hello Ranma, Akane." With that, she left the room.
Ranma continued to stare after Kasumi, before looking at Akane, and then Nabiki; he was sure the eldest Tendou sister managed to accidently see his most recent dilemma, "See? At least Kasumi isn't acting like a basketcase."
"Ranma....kun..." Nabiki gulped, attempting to use the honorary, "If you would, please go ask Kasumi what we're having for dinner, I think she went into her room."
Ranma blinked at the request, and looked at Akane, who was currently covering her eyes with her right hand, and shaking as it was downcast. "Uh... alright."
Ranma pulled up his pants, and walked to Kasumi's room, and walking into the still open door, "Hey, Kasumi, Nabiki wanted me to... ask..."
"Hello again, Ranma. I'm afraid you guys will be on your own for dinner tonight," Kasumi said, as she stuck her head into the noose she had hanging from the ceiling fan in her room...
Akane furiously stormed into the Cat Cafe, dragging Ranma by the pigtail. Not even stopping to dodge Mousse's swinging weapon, as he thought it was Ranma himself rampaging in, Akane backhanded the sword, and punched the male Amazon in the face in barely two swift movements.
Cologne observed the rather brisk battle, rather impressed with the girl's current efficiency. Then again, Akane Tendou did look extremely pissed at the moment.
Cologne didn't have to wait long, as Akane suddenly used Ranma's pigtail to stand him before the Amazon Elder. Once Ranma was on his feet, Akane pointed to his crotch, "FIX IT. NOW!"
Cologne decided that this would definitely be interesting, "Pardon me, child, but I can't say I'm aware-"
Akane turned around, and jerked down Ranma's pants.
"-of the problem," Cologne finished, almost dazed at the sight. She quickly shook her head, getting herself together, "Alright, Son-in-law... how in the hell did you manage this?"
"Jerk thought he found a cure..." Akane grumbled, holding onto her anger, as it was the only thing keeping her from totally freaking out.
Bringing out her pipe, Cologne began to light it with a shaky hand, before deciding that what she currently had on her was far from powerful enough, "Excuse me, I must go to the cellar for a moment."
Ranma glared at Akane, as he pulled his pants back on, "Was that necessary?"
Akane turned to shout at Ranma; her mouth wide open and ready to shrill any rebuke that came to mind. All she was capable were unintelligable cacks and chokes. With a hooded gaze, Ranma refixed his rope belt, "You know? The way you're acting, you would think that it belonged to you..."
Akane raised a finger, jamming it into Ranma's nose, as the strangled noises she was making became louder. Ranma rolled his eyes, "You're being wayyy too spastic here..."
"SPASTIC? *SPASTIC*?!?" Akane jerked down Ranma's pants, and knelt before the pigtailed boy...girl... somethingrather, "YOUR PENIS IS *GONE*, POOF, BECOME AWOL!! HOW IN THE KAMI'S NAME ARE YOU TAKING THIS SO CALMLY?!?"
"What pervert girl screa-" Both Ranma and Akane turned to look at Shampoo, as she entered the restaurant from making a delivery. Noting Ranma's chagrinned expression, Akane's nearly hysterical one, and their position, Shampoo came to a conclusion, and suddenly was holding her favored bonbori maces.
"WAIT! YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG!" Ranma shouted, quickly turning to ward off the enraged Amazon. That proved unnecessary, as Shampoo paused, her expression frozen, before suddenly falling backwards like an improperly balanced statue.
"Well, that was easy enough," Ranma replied, scratching the back of his head.
"Ranma..." the pigtailed boy was suddenly reminded of Akane's presence, "I'm happy that you don't seem to find NOT HAVING A DICK A PROBLEM... but it would help me greatly IF YOU WOULD SHOW SOME DAMN CONCERN!!!"
Ranma blinked at Akane's vulgar outburst, "Well, I am pretty concerned, I mean I am rather attached to it."
"I..." Akane let out a shuddering breath to calm herself, "I.. am going to hit you."
Taking a step back, Ranma finally realized exactly how upset Akane was. If she was actually warning him, it probably ment that he wouldn't live through her assault. "Geez, you're acting like it was yours or something."
"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT WAS MINE!" Akane screeched, "I HAD PLANS FOR THAT THING!" Ranma would have blushed at her outburst, if he had the hormones to back the thought process Akane should have invoked. Suddenly, Akane jerked to meet him eye level, "Ranma, listen and listen good. You BETTER get your pecker back soon, or else..."
Ranma gulped, but felt he had to remain defiant, "Or else, what?" That probably wasn't the best course of action, as Akane began to growl, and pulled back her free hand, forming it into a fist. Just before she could give him a quaint sample of 'or else', the sound wood clattering against wood alerted them to present company.
"Ancestors, it's still missing," Cologne mumbled, before reaching down to pick up her pipe. Akane and Ranma both blinked, before looking down, and noticing Ranma's pants were still dropped from the second time Akane pulled them down.
Akane released Ranma, allowing him to attempt to salvage an illusion of dignity, and pull his pants back up. Taking a deep breath of her still lit pipe, Cologne approached, forcably attempting to calm herself, "Now tell me, Son... er... Ranma..." damn it, these herbs still weren't strong enough, "...how did you come across this cure?"
"Well, Ryoga told me about it, and..." Ranma gave a quick glance towards Akane, "he told me that he had seen it work."
Cologne fortunately caught the way he was attempting to be coy about Ryoga's curse, "I see, so he... saw it wipe out the curse completely?"
Ranma nodded, "Yeah, and I, uh, have no reason to doubt him."
Cologne took a deeper drag from her pipe, "And where did you aquire this cure for your curse from?"
"Some guy in a cave up north in Sendai. Old guy with a turbin."
The Amazon Matriarch's eyes darkened, "Cave on Matsushida Bay?"
Ranma was about to nod, before his face scrunched up, "You knew about it?"
Cologne waited to reply, after she was finished hammering her forehead into the wall. "Why yes, yes I did," Cologne replied, in a falsely sweet voice, "I also knew that that rat bastard that sold you the concoction in the first place is a shyster and a fraud of the highest degree."
"I dunno, seemed like it worked... in a way," Ranma commented, shrugging.
The Amazon matriarch chose not to hit him, because she wasn't sure if she currently had the capacity to pull her blow. Instead, she settled for taking another puff from her pipe. "You see... Ranma. His 'cure' doesn't rid you of the curse, just eliminates aspects of it. You know... pig snouts, cat ears, duck bills..." Cologne glared at Ranma, "Gender specifics..."
"YOU.... IDIOT!!!!" Ranma didn't catch Akane's outraged retort, as her shiny new steel plated 'walnut crusher' mallet caught him first.
"That's right, Akane-dear," Cologne stated calmly, after taking a very liberal inhale from her reality altering 'medication', "Throttle some much needed sense into that thick skull of his.
Akane was more than eager to comply, as she ignored Cologne, Shampoo's twitching body, and that tiny little voice in her head that said, "Maybe you're going a tad too far?"
Because, quite frankly, there was no one around that wouldn't find this validating.
_________________________
"You stupid tomboy," Ranma groused, as he continued to bandage his head in the room he shared with his father, "I was unconcious after the first two hits already!" Akane was leaning against the wall, barely managing to restrain her unquenched lust to beat the holy Hell out of Ranma for the trauma he inflicted uponher.
"Shut up, Ranma... just... shut up."
"I mean, it's not like I'm some kind of perverted hermaphrodite freak or something," Ranma commented, trying to make light of things.
"No, Ranma, this is much more disturbing."
"Aw, will you just lay off it? The old Ghoul said she would look into it, I got some faith in her."
"She's only doing it because she felt that it would be beyond basic humanity to leave you with the result of your idiocy," Akane commented, drolly.
Ranma stood up, "Hey! So I made an impulsive mistake, alright? This is embarrassing enough as it is without you rubbing it in."
"EMBARRASING? YOU'RE AS ANATOMICALLY CORRECT AS A BARBIE DOLL, AND THIS IS JUST 'EMBARRASSING'?!?"
Ranma looked down, and back up at Akane, "I really wish you would stop doing that." Akane screamed, turning away from the pigtailed eunic with his pants and boxers around his ankles.
"It's about damn time, the two of you-"
Both Akane and Ranma turned to the door, realizing they had forgotten to close it, just as Nabiki was walking by. "The two of us, what?" Ranma asked, still waiting for Nabiki to finish her statement.
Instead, the middle Tendou sister suddenly reappeared, on her hands and knees, with her face only inches from Ranma's crotch. She then looked up at Ranma with wide, shocked eyes, then back to his crotch, then back up to Ranma, and then his crotch, and then back to...
"Where. Is. It. Saotome..."
Ranma found himself a bit nervous under Nabiki's scruteny, "Ah.... where's what?"
"DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME!!!" Nabiki shouted, as she grabbed the lapels of Ranma's shirt, and spittled saliva all over his face, "PUT IT BACK, NOW!!!"
"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way," Ranma retorted wiping the spit from his face, "'Sides, it's not your problem."
"This... is not up for discussion," Nabiki said, finally letting go, "Understand this, you... are a precious commodity in an area that rarely sees anything passing a sembalance of admirable masculinity. As much as we were scraping the barrel, you were the prime specimen in this town."
Nabiki cleared her throat, and managed to bring her expression back to her typical business facade, "So, it is quite simple, you see. A good portion of my business is based off of your... assets..."
Akane's eyes narrowed, "Who else have you been selling pictures of Ranma's shlong to?" They were supposed to be an exclusive deal.
Nabiki seemed to ignore the question, "...not to mention, several residents of this household will forever be scarred by this tragic ordeal. For your peace of mind, and ours, this WILL be rectified. No ands, ifs, or buts. DO I MAKE MYSELF $&#@!%&$ CLEAR?!?!?"
"All of you are overreacting Ranma replied, calmly, gently removing Nabiki's hands from his shirt.
Akane spoke up, "I think our reaction is understandable SINCE YOUR HOOD ORDIMANT IS MISSING!!!"
"Oh my, must you shout?" Kasumi asked, poking her slightly distressed head into Ranma's room. Immidiately, the strain was replaced with an oblivious smile, "Oh, hello Ranma, Akane." With that, she left the room.
Ranma continued to stare after Kasumi, before looking at Akane, and then Nabiki; he was sure the eldest Tendou sister managed to accidently see his most recent dilemma, "See? At least Kasumi isn't acting like a basketcase."
"Ranma....kun..." Nabiki gulped, attempting to use the honorary, "If you would, please go ask Kasumi what we're having for dinner, I think she went into her room."
Ranma blinked at the request, and looked at Akane, who was currently covering her eyes with her right hand, and shaking as it was downcast. "Uh... alright."
Ranma pulled up his pants, and walked to Kasumi's room, and walking into the still open door, "Hey, Kasumi, Nabiki wanted me to... ask..."
"Hello again, Ranma. I'm afraid you guys will be on your own for dinner tonight," Kasumi said, as she stuck her head into the noose she had hanging from the ceiling fan in her room...