Thanks for reading and reviewing people, hope you like this chapter although it's a bit depressing. And remember mes compains Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today!
Does the fact I have nothing left to live for make me any less of a person? Does the fact my world is imploding and disintegrating around me strip me of my humanity? It certainly felt that way after the death of Jacob, of the child, what was I supposed to do with the weight of two lives on my shoulders?
I felt so empty inside, so cold, so alone, like I was already dead. Why could no-one see my soul was lost and my heart broken? Surely if I had died I would have gone to hell as a murderer. I wondered the emptiness felt like being a vampire, dead but stuck on the earth as penance for their sins. That must have been the reason I survived to pay for what I had done. Dying would be the easy way out, abandoning responsibilities although the darkness was so close I could almost taste the black velvet it would envelop me in.
That is not to say I wanted to die. Even in my numbed state I was afraid of death, I was only human after all so scared of pain and the fires of hell. No I was, well content to stay on earth as punishment, after all Jacob's death had not exactly been peaceful. I longed for the freedom it would bring, but there are things greater than death, love for one, though at the time it hardly had time to flicker across my existence.
The dreams still haunted me, but worse this time, I was haunted by the images of Jacob's last seconds alive, the moments in which he sacrificed himself to save me.
It was pitch black, so black it was like oblivion itself, I couldn't see even my hand in front of my face. The darkness sharpened my senses to the point where I forgot who I was, what emotions were. It was like being dead, completely detached from reality, though I had already lost track of what was real. Then there was a voice, it seemed to be coming from within me, a deep rumbling from my chest. "Bella" It called, "Bella".
Then there was a flash of blinding light, stunning, setting my world on fire. I could smell the tang of bitter, acrid, smoke as it burnt though me like the fire it was born of. The flame licked at the edges of my vision, flickering dancing, hypnotising. The heat radiated out to me and the cold emptiness felt whole again, as the voice rumbled. "Bella" It echoed, "You cannot save me, but you must save them." Who was 'them' I wanted to ask, the words fell silent, pregnant on my tongue.
Then there was another voice smaller, timid, its calls were not certain and calm like the first voice, but desperately screaming for help. "The fire" it screamed "It burns" Then I saw a pixie like child ,her ears were pointed and her face streaked with what looked like oil. She was only small about half my height, but her golden eyes that reflected the flames that engulfed her seemed old beyond time.
My body refused to respond though, as I watched horrified as the child burned, then I realised why, because I wanted to see her suffer, to burn in agony. After her screams faded I looked once again into the flames, they looked so soft, like they would only tickle my skin if I were to reach out and touch them. So inviting, "No, you can't leave me" The first voice called as I was consumed by fire.
This was the dream that haunted me, but every time I awoke in a cold sweat, its meaning escaped me, though I knew my life could hang in the balance.
About a week after Jake's death I was studying the vampire's faces, wondering what it really felt like to be immortal. When one caught my eye. He was tall and I could just make out his mop of unruly bronze hair under his cloak. He looked straight at me, confused, and I fell hungrily into the familiar golden pools that were his eyes. Then he raised his hand and pointed at me.