Ranma took a step back, and another, "You know Mom... this is a bit extreme..."
"WE MUST KILL IT BEFORE IT TAKES ANOTHER FORM!!!" Nodoka screamed, as she used the sheath of the Saotome family sword to inch herself closer to the pigtailed eunuch. She was making fairly good clip, what with her progression being somewhat impeded by the two grown men dog piling her.
"CALM DOWN NODOKA," Genma attempted to reason, "I'm pretty sure the boy has a way to fix this!
When all eyes focused on Ranma, it merely shrugged, "Cologne said she would look into it."
After several moments of pause, Genma and Soun were forced to double their efforts in restraining Mrs. Saotome. Of course only meant they stopped her to crawling only twice as fast as before.
"Ah..." Ranma gulped, noticing the resolute and maddened gleam in the woman's eyes, "I-it wasn't like I was using it now, anyways..."
Both Genma and Soun went flying in opposite directions, as Nodoka came to standing; a violet furnace of rage burning around her, "Foul imperfect creature, the Saotome blade shall cleanse this plain of your presence..."
"But wait, Mo-" Ranma didn't get to finish, as the pigtailed... person was forced to begin evading a nicely honed edged, wielded by an unskilled, yet highly pissed off mother...
::KLANG!!::
"Hold it now, Sugar," the newcomer demanded, holding her own weapon in parry of Nodoka's sword, "Not like we've all haven't gotten the urge to off your son every once in a while, but maybe we should cool down for a bit."
"Thanks, Ucchan, you're a life saver!" Ranma breathed, though still weary of the straining auburn haired woman, as she continued her attempt to progress towards her child.
Ukyo did well to hide the strain in her voice, "No problem, hun. Thought I would bring you a snack while the restaurant was in its low period. What's going on, anyhow?"
"Ah, nothing much..." Ranma commented, shrugging.
Ukyo's eyes went wide, as she nearly buckled under the suddenly increased force against her from Nodoka, and the sudden, surprisingly mountain lion-like roar from the woman, "Uh, something tells me you're not being completely truthful with your cute fiancée..."
"Eh, thought I found a cure, didn't work out," Ranma said, easily.
"Uh-UGH-huh, and...?"
"I don't have a penis anymore."
Ukyo went rigid, yet was still able to hold off the obsessed Saotome mother. "Ah, could you hold a sec, Mrs. Saotome?" Ukyo requested. Nodoka nodded, and stood by calmly, as Ukyo turned to Ranma with the sweetest smile she could muster, "What?"
Ranma rolled his eyes, pretty sure Ukyo had heard, "My penis is gone, my pecker, meat shaft, duck sausage, pile driver, you getting all this, right?"
Ukyo blinked a couple of times, "I don't understand."
With a groan, Ranma's pants were dropped again, "Take a look for yourself..."
Ukyo's eyes involuntarily (well, not so involuntarily...) down to her fiancé's groin, and stared... stared long and hard. "Now do you get it?" Ranma enquired, hoping the point... or lack of a pointer, was made.
Ukyo suddenly turned away, blushing, "Ranma-honey, not until our wedding night!"
"I beg to differ, young lady, Ranma's marrying Akane!" Soun challenged.
"I don't think it's capable of marriage," Genma mumbled, once again awed by the potential idiocy his son... child... was capable of.
"Pop, you ain't helping matters," Ranma growled.
"SLAY IT WHILE IT'S DISTRACTED!!!"
"Neither are you, Mom," Ranma groaned. "Look, Ukyo..."
"Uh uh..."
Ranma sincerely wished he hadn't woken up today, "Ukyo..."
"No."
"Would you just-"
"Nein."
"What?"
"Nyet."
"I would have expected this least from yo-"
"Non."
"This is redicul-" Ranma ducked a sword slash, "WOULD YOU STOP THAT?!?"
"Vile demon!"
"Great, when the Kuno insanity fled, it sought refuge within my own mother..."
"Ah, son," Soun spoke up, hoping to calm the situation down, "What do you plan to do if Elder Cologne is unable to provide a solution?"
Of course, dousing the fire with confetti wasn't the best of ways...
Genma was the one on the save, "I know, we'll replace it!"
"Replace what?" Ukyo asked, innocently, ensuring to keep her eyes directed away from Ranma's whitewash.
"My penis Ukyo," Ranma answered with exasperation; if the pigtailed individual knew how much a hassle this new cure would be...
"But it's there, right there!" Ukyo proclaimed, pointing to Ranma's crotch.
"No, it isn't."
"Yes it is, you're just not looking hard enough!"
Ranma blinked, but decided that it would be best not to pursue that conversation. "It's not exactly a lost library book!" Ranma chose to retort at his father's idiotic idea.
"Great idea, we'll staple it into place!" Soun agreed, beaming at his compatriot's brilliant plan.
"NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE, NOBODY'S STAPLING ANYTHING TO MY CROTCH!!!"
The pigtailed sexless one was ignored.
"You suppose Akane has any personal... novelties she would like to... ahem... provide for her future benefit?" Genma enquired, slightly flustered at the notion.
"Better use Kasumi's, it's bigger," Soun suggested.
"Oh, how about the garden hose?" Nodoka piped in.
"I thought you decided I was some kind of demon!"
The eunuch was ignored.
"Aren't you being a bit unrealistic?" Soun enquired.
"Oh, my son shall be so manly!"
"Waitaminute, how can I be manly with a hose attached to my bidness?"
"I'm not loooooking!" Ukyo stated, sweetly.
"That does it, you're all insane," Ranma stated, firmly, "I'll just camp out until Cologne gets back."
Ranma was... well... you know.
"But how will Ranma keep it hard?" Genma enquired.
Cologne stood within the mouth of the cave, deciding she didn't like the task before her. To face this... this one person to whom she very much wished she never had to see, and worst yet, beg him for his assistance...
She was very tempted to leave Ranma to the fates.
Alas, Shampoo would then be without her beloved, so what must be done, must be done.
"Who's there?" an elderly voice demanded.
"Toushi, I would have words with you," Cologne answered, far from interested in formalities.
"Eh...? The ancient man in the turban enquired, "Lotta gall in you, woman. Now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich!"
"You haven't changed a bit, have you," the Amazon Matriarch enquired, feeling the moments she had to spend with this idiot noticeably growing longer.
"And get me a beer while you're at..." A light of recognition lit up in his eyes, "Cologne-chan, is that you?" At the solemn nod, the old man chuckled, "Why, if that don't beat all! You look like squat shit!"
"And your breathing habit has gone on long enough," Cologne countered, "But before I remove it from you, I have one question..."
"How's Yun Fei doing these days? Staying outta trouble, I hope?
"Yun Fei's been dead for several decades, and has had his own GRANDCHILDREN since," Cologne quipped. "In fact, Shampoo stands to be my heir. Shampoo, your Great-Granddaughter, not that you cared to keep up with family matters. It would have been nice if you had at least WRITTEN to me once in a while..."
"Huh... and I didn't even get to play catch with him, how kids grow up these days..."
Cologne was uncharacteristicly in tears now, "You took my innocence, and left me with nothing!"
Silence reigned
"You know, I look at you now, and dearly wished you hadn't reminded me of that," the old man in the turban responded with distain.
Cologne was growing weary of Toushi's presence, "My question..."
"Alright, shoot!"
Cologne blinked; a gun would be rather convenient right now. "Oh, the question, right." The elderly woman took a deep breath, "You know that Jusenkyo 'cure' you got from us? The gag cure?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"Could you, perhaps, give me the antidote? It would be very helpful right now."
"That? Oh I used that on my pancakes when I ran out of syrup."
Cologne's expression dropped even more so, "You did, didn't you?"
"HA! Almost had you going there, didn't I?" Toushi guffawed, glad to have pulled on over on the sharp minded old shrew.
Cologne balefully stared until he was done, "If you're quite finished..."
"Yeah, I am," he old man tossed Cologne a vial, "Here, for old time's sake. Though you should stop by some time for some good ol' luv'n like the good ol' days!"
"My plumbing has been retired, thank you," the old woman responded, as she watched the vial tossed to her land short, and burst open on the stone floor, "And I'm not falling for the 'Genital' gag, either."
Toushi blinked, "Genital? I take Centrum, see?" He held up a vial, displaying it for the old woman's pleasure.
Cologne blinked, before looking down at the shattered vial. Her expression was neutral when she looked up at her once, lover...
Before she left the cave, there would be one less old man existing in the world...