Yet another day, another 16 hours of hell, presuming he... um... whatever... decided to say awake that long. It would be rather convenient to hibernate until this whole mess was over. Of course, knowing Ranma's luck, something would impede such a possibility...
Like the insane laughter emanating from outside the tent flaps.
"Just great," the pigtailed martial artist grumbled, "Whatta way to start the morning. Couldn't ya guys at least let me get some breakfast and hot water first?" Ranma sat up, as Kodachi poked her head into the tent, glaring balefully at her red headed nemesis. With a sigh, Ranma's eyes rolled, "So, I guess you heard, huh?"
In answer, Kodachi lunged forward, and drew down Ranma's boxers. Both sat there in the pregnant silence for several moments; Kodachi just staring, as Ranma glared at her with a hooded gaze, Suddenly, Kodachi began to giggle, causing Ranma to withdrawal from her, and pull up he... um... I guess 'her' since Ranma has red hair right now author; Damn it, now I'M getting confused ...boxers, "Yeah, laugh it all up, wouldya. At least your reaction was expected."
Kodachi's giggles grew, until she was in full blown laughter mode. Ranma sighed in dejection, as he watched the other girl roll around in hysterics, holding onto her stomach as if something were about to burst from it.
After a full minute, Ranma had had enough, "Alright already, you had your laugh, would you shut up and go away now?" Kodachi continued her laughter, though Ranma could hear signs of her voice growing hoarse, "Kodachi, it ain't that funny, even in your insane perspective." Kodachi continued to laugh, specs of blood sputtering onto her lips.
Ranma blinked, "Uh, Kodachi?" Ranma cautiously approached the laughing gymnast, and stepped back at the wide eyed and fearful expression on her face.
"It's good you got her to us in time," the doctor said, studying the case notes, "we have her on a heavy dosage of tranquilizers, and the breathing apparatus may not be necessary after a day or so. We may keep it there because..." the doctor chuckled, tossing the case notes away, "She can afford it anyways!"
"So, she's gonna be alright?" Ranma asked tentatively; 'she' may have not liked the youngest Kuno, but 'she' didn't want to see Kodachi die from her hysteria.
"I'm sure with more money involved; we'll keep her alive as long as possible!" The doctor smiled, "Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go lavishly bathe in Champaign..."
Ranma gave one last look towards the catatonic Kodachi, before sighing, and leaving the hospital.
"So is true..."
Ranma stopped just short of entering the tent, having sincerely hoped that there would be no other interruptions as she hid from the world until Cologne returned, "Yes, it's true, Shampoo, you saw it for yourself."
Shampoo landed in the vacant lot Ranma was camping out in, "Shampoo no believe these two eyes. Send crazy girl to find out for Shampoo."
"You know she's in the hospital because of you, right? And she looked when I was a girl... or something... at the time."
Shampoo merely waived it off, "So, when husband get wood back?"
Ranma shrugged, "Your Great-Grandmother is looking into it. I admit I'm starting to really miss it, though. Pissing standing up is definitely a great privilege, and you won't believe how messy it gets coming from one orifice sometimes."
"Ah..." Shampoo touched Ranma's lips with her finger, "Husband shut up now, is okay?" The lavender haired girl turned away, tapping her finger against her chin, "So, if Great-Grandmother no find anything, you is stuck like this?"
"Hmm, now that you put it that way, yeah, I would be," Ranma replied, nonchalantly, before chuckling, "You know? Never thought about that, it would kinda suck, wouldn't it?"
"Is unacceptable," Shampoo sighed, "No bring husband back to village like this."
"Well, that's not hurting my feelings."
"No wang mean Shampoo be laughing stock of village. What Shampoo do with living Barbie doll? Dress up and play tea party?"
Ranma continued to stare after Shampoo before turning away, "I'm going back to sleep now. How about you be a darling spouse and make sure no one disturbs me, huh?"
"Shampoo need kill you, then."
Ranma poked 'her' head out the tent, "Huh?"
"If Ranma dead, Shampoo no disgrace with no-man man." Shampoo mused, thumbing her cheek, "is too embarrassing, yes?"
"Wataminute, you're gonna kill me because of this?" Ranma demanded incredulously.
"Shampoo no return to village without husband; Shampoo no return to village with husband who is no man." Shampoo nodded, and favored Ranma with a cute smile, "So, how Shampoo kill Ranma?"
"Uh, why don't you just chase me around with weapons like you did the last time?" Ranma enquired, before 'her' brain kicked her in the ass.
"Ranma no be silly, is too, too good for Shampoo to take on."
"Uh, thanks... I guess."
"Shampoo know!" She smacked her fist into the palm of her other hand in delight, "Poison you, yes?"
"Yes, you do that," Ranma replied with a hooded gaze, "And when, prey tell, do you plan to poison me?"
"Shampoo do it when you eat lu-..." Shampoo glared at Ranma, "No telling! It no work if Ranma know!"
"Well, I know you're gonna poison me, so it probably wouldn't work anyways," Ranma responded while rolling 'her' eyes.
"Then Shampoo think of new way kill Ranma, yes?"
Ranma nodded, "You do that, then you come tell me so I can help you, sound fair?"
Shampoo bubbled, and hugged Ranma, "You do that for Shampoo?"
"Sure, why not?"
Shampoo bounced about giddily, clapping her hands, "Shampoo be back to tell Ranma when have plan!"
"You do that, I'm going to sleep," with that, Ranma went back into 'her' tent.
"Ranma sleep good for when Shampoo kill, is okay?"
"Whatever," Ranma quipped, zipping up the front of 'her' temporary abode.
Ranma slumped onto the bedroll, and sighed, "I guess I better get this issue settled before somebody gets killed..."
Ranma just barely rolled away from the blade of a sword plunging into where 'her' head was.
"DAMN IT, MOM"
"Yes, the antidote, I... it is not that funny Sha Min. If you would stop rolling around the floor, laughing your infernal kiester off and... Oh, to the seven hells with you!" Cologne slammed the phone down, letting it rest in what was left of the cradle... and the stand it had sat upon. She was positive the reaction would be as such, but she was at a loss of what to do now. She knew of many different elixirs and their effects, but this was one she had never considered needing a cure for. Quite frankly before a few days ago, she would have been in the school of thought that anyone with a gender curse deserved what would be coming to them if they used this particular potion.
Actually, she still hadn't graduated from that particular school.
Unfortunately, leaving Ranma to his... her... its fate would then leave the Amazon matriarch having to contend with the incessant lamenting of her great granddaughter. Sometimes, life really... REALLY was a fu-er... screw job.
Cologne closed her eyes, and took a huff of the 'special herb' tobacco she had lit in her pipe; think of the devil, and it will curse you with its presence, "What is it, you freak of nature?"
"Hey!" Ranma retorted, before slumping; it's not as if she's acting any different than any one else around him just checking to see how your meeting with the old turban geezer went."
"I killed him," the Amazon matriarch replied calmly, as she closed her eyes and savored the invigorating and soothing effects of her tobacco smoke in her lungs.
"Uh, you what?"
"I killed him, I'm pretty positive you heard me the first time, eunuch-in-law."
"O...kay..." Ranma replied, "Why'd you do that?"
"Do I really need a reason?"
"And did you get the cure?"
"No."
Ranma double blinked, "You killed him instead of getting the cure?"
"I would have gotten the cure before I killed him."
"But didn't he know the cure?" the tamed horse enquired, feeling a bit of anxiety since this whole ordeal began.
"No, he did not know the cure; the cure is something of a secret within the Amazon tribe."
"Ah," the blank shooter began in comprehension, "so you killed him for stealing Amazon secrets?"
"No, I killed him because it was a highly carthic experience."
Nervousness now set in, "So... you getting the cure from your village? I kinda need it soon because everyone's now starting to act reallly wierd around me."
"I just can't see why," Cologne responded with a bland tone.
"..." Ranma shuffled slightly, not sure how to continue the conversation.
"..." the Amazon Matriarch replied, quite content with the living atrocity to mankind not saying anything else.
"Well, you gonna go get the cure soon?"
"I'm guessing people have been conspiring to staple phalluses to you?"
Ranma chuckled, "Yeah, I mean you know how uncomfortable it is sleeping on... your... stomach..." Ranma's voice faded, as Cologne suddenly pulled out a newly bought staple gun, and set it calmly and gently on the remnants of the telephone stand.
With a gulp, Ranma started backing away, "Well, I can tell you're busy with this, soI'llleaveyoualonebye!"
Cologne didn't respond, choosing to indulge in her special stock some more.