'Gender Neutral'

Ranma breathed heavily, glad for the old fashioned blind-side by his buddy and rival Ryoga, and the proceeding throw-down that demolished the vacant lot his camping site was at, "Gotta hand it to ya, Ryoga, you sure know how to cheer a guy up!"

"No problem, huff, Ranma!" Ryoga returned trying to regain his wind. Even if he had sincerely been trying to kill Ranma, he was glad the pigtailed boy was looking a bit more cheerful than when Ryoga first tried to put his fist through the back of Ranma's head.

Ranma slumped against the fence, followed by Ryoga, "I mean, it hadn't been all that great a week so far. Everyone's been acting like I'm some sort of idiot leper or something, just because I lost it."

The fanged boy glanced sideways at Ranma, "Lost what?"

Ranma quickly thought about the consequences of Ryoga finding out, and decided him acting like his normal, clinically depressed and homicidal self was better than him acting freaked out and homicidal, "Uh, nothing important."

"What about Akane?"

"She's in the psychiatric ward for some psychotic thing or whatever."

Ranma tensed up at the growl coming from beside him, "Ranmaaaaa, what did you do to Akane? You better answer before I kill you, or I'll kill you!!!"

"I DIDN'T DO NUTT'N TO HER!" Ranma defended, "Well, not directly, at least. It still wasn't my fault!"

Ryoga stood on his second wind, "Ranma, it's ALWAYS your fault!"

"Actually," Ranma replied, not bothering to ready itself to defend against the eventual oncoming attack, "This is your fault..."

Ryoga's anger fizzled to only semi-berserker level, "Don't you dare pin your problems on me, Ranma! Because of you, I had seen hell!"

"Ryoga, Hell ain't even able to differentiate between needing to stand or sit to go to the bathroom."

"Now what the Hell you talking about?" Ryoga demanded, starting to become more confused than angry at Ranma's cryptic comments.

"Ever since that damned cure you found, people have been going freak'n nuts!"

"Ranma, even you're not stupid enough to start giving a cure to YOUR curse to people around you! What would be the sense in that?"

"No, you jerk, I took the cure!"

"Oh," Ryoga responded, settling down, glad that his pal and eternal bane of existence was happily cured, "So what's the problem?"

"This, THIS is the problem!" Ranma growled in frustration, pointing to his crotch.

Ryoga took a subtle slide away from Ranma, "Um, are you trying to solicit me, Ranma?"

"What? NO! Damn it, just LOOK!" Ranma proclaimed, standing up and dropping his pants. Ryoga found himself eye level with-

"Well, don't that beat all?" Ryoga commented, as he tilted his head. Both of then heard a gasp, causing Ryoga to turn around, and Ranma to look beyond the fanged boy kneeled in front of him to find a middle aged mother with three children staring, before the mother quickly ushered her children from the site, glaring at the two youths.

"So, that's all you gotta say?" Ranma quipped, for some reason feeling disappointed with his rival's luke warm response.

"I'm guessing this is a result of the cure?"

"How deductive of you," Ranma drolled.

"Well, I guess I feel sorry for ya," Ryoga stated, before standing up, and patting Ranma on the back, "Not really, this is actually pretty damn funny."

"Well, tell that to the rest of the fruit loops back there, planning on stapling garden hoses to my crotch," Ranma stated, jerking his thumb back behind him.

"Hold on, hold on a sec..." Ryoga interrupted, before suddenly pulling out a notebook, "Ranma... penis missing... staple garden hose"

"On top of that, my mom's trying to eviscerate me because she thinks I'm some imperfect demon, and Shampoo's starting to get creative with her attempts to kill me. Seriously, where did she get a 'rail gun' anyways? I thought those were only in videogames!"

"Mother... demon..." Ryoga paused, "Had anyone said any one liners? I'm not so good at writing those."

"Uh," Ranma paused, noticing Ryoga jotting down notes, "What are you doing?"

"Ranma, ol' pal, this is primetime material," Ryoga explained, calmly closing his notebook up, "I don't think I could make up something this hilarious!"

"What? So you're finding this funny?" Ranma didn't actually take serious affront to it, but it was the principle of it all."

"Would you rather me storm hammer on you for putting Akane in the shrink ward with your dead space?"

"Well... yeah!" Ranma had its second wind, and a calm Ryoga was creepier than a freaked out one.

"Well, I can't help you there, pal," the fanged boy chuckled, "I just can't work up the motivation to even flick you now."

"But... but... Akane!" Ranma attempted to invoke the name of his rival's unrequited love, hoping to break him of such a sanguine mood.

"I'll send her a card later," Ryoga shrugged.

"BUT DIDN'T YOU LOVE HER OR SOMETHING?"

"Well, I guess," Ryoga tilted his head, and mused, "Though, I think I love vindication better. So this is what bliss feels like?"

"Great, now I'm the depressed one here." Ranma slumped to the ground again, "So this is it for our rivalry? Who's supposed to keep me in form now?"

"Oh, Ranma, Ranma, Ranma," Ryoga started to pat Ranma on the back, before pausing, "Uh, your affliction isn't contagious, is it?"

Ranma favored his once rival with a baleful glare.

Ryoga smirked, put on a latex glove, and patted Ranma on the back; he really wasn't interested in making skin contact with the freak, anyhow, "Well, if dying a messy death by my hands matters that much to you, why don't I help you find a way of solving your ailment?"

Ranma perked up; if there was anyone who had been around whenever one of Ranma's problems were solved, it was Ryoga, "Really? Wow, you really are a pal!"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Ryoga quickly backed away, before clearing his throat, "I mean, thought about modern science? I heard Gender correctional surgery is big in Brazil."

"It ain't like I got money for a surgery or flying to Brazil," Ranma retorted, irritated by the inane idea.

"Well, if you lead the way to Dr. Tofu, he may be able to give us one or two ideas."

"Hey... I never thought about that!" Ranma considered, "In fact, when was the last time we saw Dr. Tofu?

"Volume 12."

Ranma blinked, "Huh?"

"After Happosai took your strength, remember?" Ryoga reminded him, "Anyways, we're wasting time. So either you let me get on my way so I can get pissed drunk in celebration, or we head to the good doctor's to get you fixed!"

"Fine, let's get this show on the road!" Ranma proclaimed, standing with new vigor and resolve. The pigtailed gender anomaly paused for a sec, "Ah, they're not gonna just try to staple a hose to me, are they?"

"Oh gods, I sure do hope so!" Ryoga happily retorted, jotting down on his notepad. What NBC wouldn't pay for this sitcom gem.

"For the last time, Shampoo, I told you the rail gun is only for authorized matriarchs only!" Cologne chastised her great granddaughter, before slamming the camouflaged case closed, then padlocking it, "Now, retire to your room and ponder your actions; ammo for this thing is expensive!"

Shampoo nodded, chastised, before heading up the stairs. Once the teenage girl was out of sight, Cologne sighed; if she knew her heir intended to just write Ranma off, she would have washed her hands of the situation the moment Akane forced hi- Ranma to drop his pants.

"Oh, what a bother," the Amazon Matriarch grumbled, before picking up her new phone from the wall mount, "Cat Cafe, we are closed at the... oh, good evening Gui Do, how's the family? I see, so business is still lucrative? Slow down, your accent is hard to understand, sometimes. Why you insist on it is beyond me, you're not even Italian! Oh? OH! Well won't son-in-law be pleased! How did you...? Uh huh... car battery... wack-a-mole... but what about the squeegee? Very good! So you'll send it over for a favor? Yes, I'm sure he'll be agreeable to do the hit after this. Warning? So no sort of mutilation whatsoever to the area affected? Well, we've all been threatening it, I don't think anyone would be successful with stapling anything or such there. Yes, yes, I bid you a good evening, then."

Cologne hung up the phone, glad this whole ordeal was about to be over, "Son in law, what would you do without me"

"WE NEED AN AMBULANCE HERE, NOW!!!" Tofu screamed over the phone; barely able to keep hold of it with his trembling hands.

"Uh, this really isn't a medical emergency, doc," Ranma attempted to explain, as it pulled its pants back up, and studiously ignored Ryoga rolling around on the ground in hysterics.