A/N: Hey so I noticed a huge mess-up in my time line that I totally apologize for in case you got confused. In a chapter I said it was the end of the fiscal year which would be June 30 and then later when I did the anniversary missing chapter I noticed that they got married on July 18th and so I was off by a couple months in the math, but oh well still the same story.
Thanks for the reviews!: Bluebear48 and singdance.
Than To Ever Live Without You
Chapter Four
Sitting with a bouncing Katherine on her lap Kaelyn sat at the Forth of July barbeque that was being put on by Serena and Dan. Putting on a happy face Kaelyn sat while Katherine continued to bounce up and down on her lap as the music played. Kaelyn couldn't help, but laugh at Katherine who at only nine months was trying to dance. Giving her baby a kiss on the cheek Kaelyn sat Katherine on the blanket where Serena's son William was playing with Blair's eleven month old son Dominic. Kaelyn watched at Katherine crawled over to Will and grabbed the ball that was in front of him. She then looked up as she saw Serena walking over. Serena sat down next to her.
"Isn't the roof a good place for a picnic?" Serena questioned as she looked around at everyone who had showed up for the picnic.
"Perfect." Kaelyn said with a forced smile thinking about how she and Chuck ended things the day he left. They had gotten into a huge fight and Chuck walked out with his bags for Japan and he hadn't called her since.
"William don't." Serena instructed to William who had started to poke at Katherine who then started to wine.
"It's okay baby." Kaelyn said as she picked up Katherine who snuggled into her arms and Kaelyn sore that the little girl had shot William a dirty look.
"This is the prime spot to see the fireworks tonight." Lily said as she walked over to the girls with a martini in hand. Sitting down on the opposite side of Kaelyn she sat down her martini and picked up Katherine from Kaelyn's arms. "Hey there little one." Katherine let out a giggled and suddenly grabbed at Lily's earrings. "No, no baby not for you." Kaelyn smiled and suddenly she felt her cell phone vibrate in her jeans pocket. Pulling it out she noticed it was Chuck and she quickly stood and walked away into a corner by herself.
"Hey." She said as she answered.
"Hi I wanted to wish you and Kat a happy forth. So what are you two up to?" he asked.
"I'm at Serena and Dan's for their picnic barbeque." Answered Kaelyn who leaned against the wall.
"Have fun." He said.
"I wish I was." Kaelyn said with a sigh.
"Kay seriously I am sick of you trying to make be feel bad about it. I already feel horrible." He then snapped quickly at her.
"Who said I was trying to make you feel bad." Kaelyn snapped back quickly as she stood with her hands on her hips.
"You whine and complain and I told you I have no power over the fact that I have to be here." He said.
"I did not whine to you. I just said I wish I was having fun that is it." Kaelyn growled.
"I just called to wish you and our daughter a good day and you are picking an argument." He said.
"I didn't pick an argument!" yelled Kaelyn.
"You started it with your whining and making me feel like the bad guy when all I am trying to do is keep a stable life for you and Katherine." He said.
"I wasn't whining. You keep doing this to me!" Kaelyn was trying to hold back her tears.
"There I go again the bad guy…you know what fuck this." He said.
"Fuck you!" Kaelyn yelled as she snapped the phone closed. Turning around she saw a few of the guests looking at her. "I'm sorry." She said quickly as she rushed past a few people.
"Kaelyn!" Both Lily and Serena called as Kaelyn rushed past and into the building. Her breathing was hard as she paced the hall. The door opened and Serena rushed in with Lily not far behind her still holding Katherine.
"Kay." Serena said as she grabbed Kaelyn to stop her from pacing. Kaelyn had tears falling down her face.
"All we do now is fight." Kaelyn sobbed. "I don't want to fight I just want to be happy and that isn't happening right now."
"Everything is going to work its way out." Lily said and suddenly Kaelyn felt her phone in her hand she looked to see it was Chuck calling back.
"What!" she answered the phone agitated.
"I was calling to say I am sorry, but I guess you don't want to hear it then." Chuck said frustrated.
"No I don't." Kaelyn said as she tried to stay calm. "I just don't want to fight like this anymore. It's driving me crazy."
"You, it's driving me crazy." Chuck said.
"Then just stop picking fights with me." Kaelyn pleaded.
"I'm not." He said.
"Come on yes your are and you won't admit it." Kaelyn said.
"You keep whining trying to make me feel bad for providing for my family." He growled.
"Dammit Chuck just stop!" Kaelyn yelled as she stomped her foot and tried to wipe the tears from her eyes.
"I'm done with this conversation. I will call you when I get the time." He said and then there was a click. Kaelyn closed her phone and sat down on a chair.
"It just won't stop." She cried into her hands. Serena quickly sat down next to her and put an arm around her.
"Ah." Katherine called as she reached her hands down towards Kaelyn.
Kaelyn looked up and pulled Katherine from Lily's arms and held onto her. "Mommy is okay." She said as she tried to breathe and stop crying as she held Katherine who had started to play with her necklace.
"The fireworks are about to start." Dan called into the hall where they sat.
"Let's go." Kaelyn said as she stood with Katherine in her arms.
"You sure you're okay?" Lily asked.
"I am not going to be any better." Kaleyn said with a shrug as she walked towards the door with Serena and Lily following her. It was a few moments and suddenly the night sky was lit with sparkles of various colors. Kaelyn looked down at Katherine in her arms who starred at the sky and squealed at every firework. "Oh look another." Kaelyn pointed out in her fake cheerful voice as she looked at Katherine who was so happy and she had no idea what was going on around her, but in every moment she was a happy little girl and Kaelyn wanted to keep it that way.
-
Kaelyn sat in a lounge chair with her eyes closed and she opened them again as she sat in the office of her psychiatrist Dr. Ross who sat with a clipboard taking notes on what she said. Kaelyn had tears going down her face as she sat explaining to the doctor about how she felt the night before when she considered committing suicide.
"Where were you when you got the thoughts?" Dr. Ross asked.
"At home." Kaelyn answered.
"Who was there in the house and where?" Dr. Ross asked.
"My daughter was with the nanny in her room, the kitchen staff was cleaning up in the kitchen, and the live-in maid had finished for the night and was in her own room." Kaelyn answered as she closed her eyes again remembering everything vividly as she sat in her nightgown at the foot of the bed crying.
"How were you going to do it?" Dr. Ross asked after he finished taking his notes.
"I really wasn't sure. I just wanted all the pain to end." Kaelyn said.
"It seems in the past month your depression continues to get worse. You aren't just suffering from your depression that you had previously diagnosed with, but also postpartum depression so I am going to add another medication that should help, but remember you have my number if you have these thoughts and need to talk I am available 24-7 and so is your psychologist Dr. Guidham and you can also call her. You need to get to the root of her problems and I want you to start a diary or just a place for you to vent. It will be private and I won't have you bring it in, but I need you to try." Dr. Ross explained.
"Alright thank you." Kaelyn said as she wiped her face with the tissue.
Walking alone Kaelyn stopped in a small stationary store and picked up a composition notebook that she knew she could use to write in. She had looked in her bag and pulled out the car to a marriage counselor that she had found in the building where she went for her appointments and she was going to suggest to Chuck when he got home that they go. As she walked through Times Square she saw the date and realized it was July 18th her wedding anniversary. She inhaled to keep herself from crying as she kept walking. She hadn't spoken to Chuck since their argument on the 4th and she was so afraid to talk to him in fear of another fight. Making it to where her office was located she took the elevator up to her floor. She first stopped at Nadine to pick up her messages before walking into her office that was filled with roses. Then she looked to her desk and her chair turned and Chuck sat in her desk chair with a smile on his face.
"I told you that I would try." He said as he stood and was nearly tackled by Kaelyn who had tears in her eyes as she ran to him and hugged him.
"Thank you." She cried.
"I don't have much time, but I wanted to be here since it means a lot." He said as he ran his fingers through her hair before lifting her chin and giving her a kiss. "I love you and Happy anniversary."
"Happy Anniversary!" Kaelyn said happily before she then kissed him and snuggled into his chest. She was happier than she had been in a long time as she stood there with him, but in the back of her mind she worried about if they would argue or not.