A/N: I just watched House, read some of Marz fanfics and listened to Offspring… peeps, this sarcastic!harry shit be on! ….''shakes head at self''…
"Nah, bugger it" Harry said thinking out loud with a frustrated growl, "my life is the friggin' twilight zone." He finished as he levitated a pair of scissors to himself from the stainless steel surgical table across the room. Snape jumped to the side and whirled his wand on Harry who let a breath of air escape his lips in a chuckle.
"Like you've got a pulse to defend" he said rolling his eyes and running the sharp edge of the scissors down his bonds. A casual flick of Sirius' wand pulled the scissors away from their task before they had reached the top of his crotch.
"Delicate" Harry proclaimed in mock annoyance before with a twist of unexpected flexibility he removed the bonds from the rest of his body, dislodging the bird in the process. All of those present in the room moved to train their wands on him in an 'unthreatening' manner… Except Snape of course, who was more then happy to appear quite threatening. The probable factuality of the matter was that he would have liked nothing more then to give the boy a demonstration on the meaning of 'threat'. However, he remained still and sneering and allowed Dumbledore to act.
"Mr Potter, please just calm down and remain seated on the bed" Dumbledore warned in a friendly but commanding manner.
"Nah thanks I'm gonna head home now actually" Harry said, for all the world as if he were declining an invitation to a dinner party. He either didn't notice or didn't care that everyone around him had a wand pointed at his head. "Did anyone happen to pick up my wand?" he asked conversationally, glancing around the room. "Never mind", he said, patting his sleeve and realising it was still where he left it.
"OK well, thanks for… whatever it was you probably had to do. Call me if you work out how to make the bird speak English, I'll even settle for very basic French as long as he has good diction." He said amiably.
"Parseltongue not worthy enough for you coming from a bird is it?" Snape drawled mockingly. Harry was very matter-of-fact in his answering.
"Suffering as I have done under your tutelage for several years, suffice it is to say that I am not in the least surprised you are still yet to grasp the realisation that you need to know something before you attempt to teach it. By all means though, feel free to go ahead and try, doubtless his survival is going to depend on my pity" Harry finished darkly.
"Clearly your narcissistic arrogance has blinded you to the fact that the phoenix is synonymous with immortality." Snape answered in retaliation.
"Yes well still, there aren't a whole lot of things that stay immortal without a head." Answered Harry simply, making to casually walk away from them and out of the hospital wing.
Before Harry even made it two feet, the door seemed to close of its own accord; he sighed in frustration and turned a petulant glare at Dumbledore.
"I'm afraid Mr Potter, that we cannot allow you to leave until we have established whether or not you are a danger." Said Dumbledore with a placating tone.
"Well I am dangerous – there you go, all established, I'll be seeing you around." Harry chirped crossing the room and opening the door as he went, there was only so many times one would allow themselves to be locked in a room by a talkative old man before they learnt a counter-spell.
"But... wait!" the strangled cry of James Potter made even Harry's uncaring form, pause and turn. "I – I'm your father" he managed to splutter out.
"I know" Harry replied casually. "You're supposed to be dead."
"But you, you're –"
"Supposed to be dead too" Harry cut in. "However, you quite clearly are not?" James shook his head in response, "and so you see where the inconsistencies begin. When Fawkes is able to talk, I'm sure it can be explained. Until such a time, I would like to go home and get drunk off my face. Does anyone have a problem with that? Nope, great – toodles!" he finished with cheer bordering death threatening, to the next person that got in between him and strong alcohol.
"Actually" he said, not three steps out the door yet. "I do have one question that will just eat me alive if it's not answered today. What on earth are Draco and Flint doing in school?"
"Learning" Snape deadpanned like Harry was an idiot. Harry just twitched an eyebrow and looked to the rest for a better answer.
"Mr Flint is undertaking a degree in flying techniques and affiliated coaching practises. Mr Malfoy is studying for a degree in magical education." McGonagal answered primly, it wasn't like it was any of the boy's business.
"He's going to be a teacher? Ha! The only good child to Draco is a dead one that can be cut up for scientific research. He wants to be a healer – but anyway not the point, Flint must be like twenty and Draco's eighteen, why are they at school at Hogwarts? Draco should have finished two years ago."
"Only the aligned, the stupid and the suicidal leave Hogwarts after seventh year these days." Said Sirius knowingly, Remus nodding regrettably beside him.
"Surely there's only so many odd jobs around the castle that can give you an excuse to keep eaterlings locked up in the castle?" said Harry with a mocking that wasn't really there.
"Are you sure you didn't knock your head too hard or have you always been this thick?" Snape snarked, "all children endeavour to carry on their higher education at Hogwarts to protect their neutrality in the war."
"If you say so then" replied Harry, still shaking his head in amusement at the idea of Draco wanting to spend time around real, breathing, children. He continued walking away once more.
"Hang on" Sirius shouted to him down the hall, "How are we supposed to find you again?"
"Look for trouble, I'll be the one right in the middle of it, sprawled face down in the dirt" Harry called back before he rounded a corner, leaving the castle.
"Albus do you really think it's wise to let him leave? He didn't exactly seem stable" asked a peeved/worried McGonagall, "Realistically – How are we supposed to find him again?"
"The fond thing about fishes Minerva, is once you discover them in a pond, you inevitably will find they cannot be anywhere else" replied Dumbledore in his mysterious, cheerful, infuriating way.
A/N: Was that an update? I do believe it was. Now if you ever want to see another one then review and tell me what you want me to write about.
Thanks to my reviewers: Ileranerak, rdg2000, PLEASEUPDATE, Obsessive Child, ReadingRed, kilroy777, PSTurner, Shea Loner and Fraewyn.
Katty xx