A/N: A bit of a random update... I was trying to start and get serious, cover some ground, you know actually move the plot foward - those weird kind of authory things. The following chapter is what happened instead - apologies if the useless aspect annoys you, but I really don't seem to have a whole lot of control over what comes out when I start typing... begs the question, doesn't it - who/what does then? Oh well, I'll think about that - you enjoy the chapter and keep in mind that reviewing is excellent exercise.
The sight that greeted Harry as he descended Hogwart's front steps took his breath away. The grass was green and clear, there was no blood, no bodies, no craters. It was weird.
He couldn't resist kneeling in the grass on his way out; he just had to smell it, to dig some of it out, just to make sure there really was no blood hidden there below the surface. If he looked just a bit like a madman on all fours repeatedly rubbing his face on the lush green ground, then that was just coincidence. However, as coincidences go, Hagrid tripping over a randomly placed teen on all fours as he made his way into the castle unseeing with arms full of firewood, that was much higher on the coincidence scale.
There weren't a lot of things that shocked Harry, but a clean field where he just knew there had been kiloliters of bloodshed, that was enough to unsettle him into inattentiveness. The foot the size of a coffee table and equally as supple connecting with his underbelly was enough to cause him a shock, and possibly renal failure, but why be pedantic?
There was an "oomph" from both of them as the foot connected, a strangled "fuuuck" from Harry as Hagrid's shin, or possibly a ten ton concrete pillar slammed across his back, getting him a more comprehensive soil sample. Then a muffled "eurgh" from Harry as he came nose to foot with a shoe-clad coffee table.
"What are ya doin' lyin' on the ground ya daft boy" asked Hagrid a little agitated as he picked himself and his burden off of the ground, "are ya right?" he said concerned as he turned to Harry who was trying to dig his way up out of the shallow hole he found himself flattened in.
"Just dandy" replied Harry coming free from the earth with a 'pop' whether from suction or highly compressed vertebrae he couldn't be sure. He was tempted to point out to Hagrid that he hadn't been 'lying' on the ground he had been kneeling, but the reasons for kneeling were much harder to explain, and seeing as it was a rhetorical question anyway, he decided not to go into the schematics of the thing. He thought he should say something though before he walked away, but part-way through his words he realised Hagrid didn't know him and he was not going to have that conversation again.
"Haaawafluuff" was what came out instead. Harry kept his blank face mask on as he mentally kicked the snot out of himself. His mind taking the hint went for the save with, "I like your grass, good job", Harry allowed himself to blink slowly this time as he kicked his mind a whole lot harder. Still, though he had nothing else to say so he attempted a cheery wave and began walking away.
"Are ya sure you're ok?" Hagrid asked slowly, high concern for his neural functions evident.
"Terrific" Harry replied quickly; glad to know the answer to that question. "Nothing a chiropractor and a whole lot of ethyl can't fix" he muttered under his breath as he once again started on his way out of the grounds. Hagrid let him go; the kid was clearly a bit weird anyway.
Harry decided to just put his head down and get out of the bloody school before something else went wrong. Not that there were any teachers who were likely to be outside his mind pointed out to himself.
"Oh for fuck's sake" he groaned, vowing to do some serious brain cell culling for the mammoth jinx his mind had just put on him. For who should be walking towards him but the teacher he least wanted to see and was also least likely to be outside – Trelawney, and they were fast gaining ground on each other. Fast in the sense that they were like two snails on the same track but neither seemed about to move – horror in slow motion. When they were just a few short meters apart she seemed about to open her mouth for a friendly greeting, but Harry beat her to it.
"Don't you dare say a damn word" at her indignant inhale of air and puffed out cheeks he continued more urgently, "You even open your bloody mouth and I'll blast your head across the indo-pacific so fast you won't have time to think 'grim'." She still seemed prepared to speak but Harry wasn't having a bar of it. As soon as she opened her mouth he covered his ears and started yelling as he continued to walk, "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALA THE ANTS GO MARCHING ONE BY ONE HURAH HURAH LADADIDITIRADIDA DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO THIS SONG HURAH FAFILUTI NANINA AND THEY ALL WENT MARCHING OVER THE BIG BLUE HILL HURAH OVER THE-" the rest of his song was cut off as he finally stepped out of the Hogwart's gates and apparated away as fast as he could – 'disaster averted' he told himself in relief.
Sybil still stood gaping at where the odd teen had disappeared; finally she managed to shake herself from the stupor and decided she had best tell the headmaster. When she found him he was still in the hospital wing, conferencing with a few aurors, the house heads and some of the other professors, most notably Hagrid who was trying to warn the faculty to be on the lookout for a young dark grass stealer. Although as Hagrid was currently tyring to explain, he wasn't actually 'stealing' the grass, he was trying to examine it, probably to discover the secrets of the castle, and find Hogwart's weakness.
"In the lawn?" Snape questioned sarcastically?
"Well why not?" stated Hagrid determined.
"Because it's bloody grass you incompetent fool" spat Snape, his patience wearing thin.
"What is that supposed to mean Severus?" Professor Sprout cut in dangerously. "You of all people should appreciate the dangers of the plant kingdom. Remember that time the hornsprout got you? As I recall you couldn't sit for a-" Luckily she was cut off by Trelawney who had grown bored with the grass conspiracy and remembered why she came,
"I have just seen a terrible thing" she started dramatically.
"As if she sees anything else" an unimpressed McGonagall muttered under her breath at the same time as Snape, who by now had been driven to pinching the bridge of his nose also muttered,
"Well then change your bloody prescription." Both comments although seemingly unnoticed by Trelawney started a coughing and sneezing epidemic to spread throughout the gathered group so fast it even had Pomfrey worried, and she was one of the ones coughing hardest.
Sirius managed to get his sneezing fit under control long enough to address Trelawney with a most serious sounding question.
"It wasn't the grass was it? That could explain everything" poor Remus coughed so hard at that he could've sworn he'd dislodged a lung. Hagrid however, clearly thought Sirius was on to something.
"That's jus it, init!" He said excitedly "He must be going to try and kill off all the grass!"
"I don't think a little dirt's likely to do too much damage Hagrid" Professor Flitwik tried to placate. Snape assumed Flitwik must have been able to hear his mental wails of agony and was taking pity on his suffering, but Hagrid was not to be deterred.
"Well no, Professor, but it's a lotta grass init, so thas' a lotta dirt…" He looked to Dumbledore for approval.
"Perhaps, it is of course a possibility" Dumbledore stated sagely.
"For Merlin's sake Albus don't pander to him!" cried an exasperated Snape "You know damn well it's ludicrous, stop encouraging moronity!"
"Now Severus I know you've had a stressful day but that's no reason to be rude. Are you feeling quite alright?" Dumbledore questioned kindly. Snape pushed down the overwhelming urge to tunefully yell 'nooooo! Morons, morons everywhere!' as he jumped up and down, stomping his feet. Instead he settled for biting out,
"I'm fine Albus. Sybil you were saying?" He told himself he would just shut up, and quietly ride the rest of this meeting out.
"Yes well I was walking towards the castle" she began slowly, stuffing as much myth and mystery into her words as she could, "and I met the most insane child... he was singing about blue hills... and ants – awful voice. I think-" Snape cut her off, he decided he couldn't take it after all and was going to follow the lunatic's plans – to a degree.
"Well I'm off to drink myself to death" he said conversationally walking from the room. Calls of goodnight followed him, worse still Minerva's ominous promise to see him at breakfast… There had to be something that could save him, he only hoped he could find it before dawn, otherwise there was every possibility he would at last manage to put Gryffindor house into negative points – well there was always at least one redeeming promise for tomorrow – tomorrows were like that.
A/N: Firstly, no I can't write Hagrid's accent. I did unfortunately try though. Secondly, no I don't know the words to that song, but that's what invaded the brainspace and it wasn't to be ignored.
Thanks to my reviewers last chapter: Potterworm, Caliko, Sherley Cano, fraewyn, hpfananita and PS Turner.
Question: As much as I hate to be spoilerish I can see possibilities for this going either of 2 ways, so does anyone have a preference?
a) Happy Potter's, dark Snape
b)Split Potter's, light Snape
My frank opinion on the matter is that happy everyone is mutually exclusive, realisticly thinking... but meh - forum open!
Katty xx