AN: *SNORES* it's 6am, and I'm posting - God save us all, I'm going to bed now, please review I hearts this chappie = Snape pwns Dumbledore hehehe... oh and its also crude, rude and vulgar as my mother would say... anyways - enjoy!
"Alastor" Dumbledore cautioned the man, laying a placating hand on his shoulder to draw him back, stepping forwards himself to engage Harry in conversation.
"That was a very interesting display you put on this morning Harry" he stated chattily.
"Oh yes" replied Harry, his face an emotionless deadpan of sarcasm – the kind that masked when his 'annoyingoldmanometre' was about to blow, "interesting is what I aim for… I was a bit worried I hadn't pulled it off though, y-ya know?" he stuttered, purposely earnest, "Especially after that third somersault, the one where I nearly rolled into an AK and DIED – yeah that really screwed up my choreography I thought – But it's good to know it was INTERESTING, I couldn't tell personally because I was too busy trying not to get KILLED!" he bit out, trying to keep control of himself, the more he lost it, the more he resorted to the sarcasm, "I'll have to get you to tape all my really interesting altercations, because I sure know I can rely on you as the only other wizard present capable of fighting Voldemort without being killed, that you will hold a camera very fucking still, better then any bloody tripod – no matter what happens you don't move an inch! Cos you sure as hell don't seem to be worried about interfering to help the underdog, you know maybe you should look into a career in journalism! That'd get your wa-"
"Obviously you're angry with me" Dumbledore said sadly, his face awash with self-disappointment and remorse – Harry's 'annoyingoldmanometre' hit the roof.
"Oh – the fuck?! However did you pick that from my sweet disposition?!!" He all but screamed at the man, feigning surprise.
"Truly my boy, I am very sorry-" he started replying.
"AH – AH – AH!" Harry cut in, reprimanding him like a naughty puppy, "Don't even start with me. I love you, at least whatever you it was I know, really I did, in fact I do – I have fond memories of you as my one, most omnipresent, caring mentor… but if you so much as twinkle a baby blue at me manipulatively I am going to rip them out of your head and use them to crush your vocal chords" he smiled sweetly up at the old man, "kk? You have to understand, I just can't run the risk of turning back into a stupid little schoolboy. It'd be very embarrassing, I'd much rather kill you first" he finished condescendingly. There was a long pause while Dumbledore assessed him with his gaze.
"Think very carefully before you push me child" he said slowly, in a tone somewhere between threatening and quizzing. Harry laughed out loud at the first time a steely eyed headmaster had ever projected his dangerousness at him.
"Clearly you are very sorry you left me to die… Just like I'm very sorry I farted right now – I quite enjoyed the farting itself, but if I had of known it was going to stink, when I was the only possible candidate to get the blame for it… well I probably wouldn't have done it" he concluded, smirking meaningfully at the old headmaster.
"Would you like something to settle your stomach dear?" asked Madam Pomfrey, coughing slightly in her close proximity to him.
"No thankyou" he started politely, "Not much you can do about a turtle head, it's going to be one heck of an after-grog-bog though" he concluded crudely to utter silence from all present in the room. Dumbledore was trying to stay stoic, but Harry knew he was being wafted, and was amusedly confident in his methane's ability to gag a maggot.
"I need to speak with Snape" He told Dumbledore, "he knows something… unbelievably enough" he ended mockingly. The headmaster seemed to take a few moments to decide what card he wanted to play, looking into Harry's nonchalantly determined face he figured his best way to keep control of the situation was to treat the boy as a friend – no matter how frustrating he could be.
"Of course, I'll just fire-call him for you now" he replied happily, Making his way over to the hospital's smouldering fireplace. He threw in some of the coloured dust from an ornate jar atop the mantle and poked his head into the green flames, calling out for Severus. His eyes landed on the dark haired Professor, sitting on a well worn sofa in more then a little need of repair. He was holding a plain white mug, just a little yellowed around the edges, of what was assumabley tea between his hands and staring at his feet on the scuffed oak coffee table, as if contemplating the meaning of socks.
At Dumbledore's arrival before his (mostly) sock covered toes Snape looked up immediately. He wouldn't lesser himself by bothering to utter the man any sort of greeting – not on a weekend, no way. So he just sat there, glaring at the man over his toes in acknowledgement, daring him to comment.
"Ah Severus, just the man I was looking for!" Dumbledore crowed cheerfully.
"Obviously" Snape answered in a sarcastic deadpan that was disturbingly similar to the frustrating teen's.
"Are you busy?" He continued in the same cheerful manner, undeterred by his dour reception.
"No" Snape replied in the same tone, pausing to first give him a contemptuous glare that clearly saved him saying 'obviously' again.
"Excellent! Would you step through to the hospital wing then – Harry requests an audience with you" Dumbledore asked matter-of-factly.
"No" was Snape's simple reply.
"What was that sorry?" the headmaster asked superciliously.
"No" Snape repeated, his tone unchanged and infuriating.
"My boy, I must insist that you would" stated Dumbledore forcefully, looking disdainfully at the professor before him.
"Is he a student?" Snape drawled plainly.
"No, you know he is not" came the headmaster's slightly terse reply.
"Is he threatening students?" Snape continued to drawl disinterestedly.
"No" said Dumbledore, more tersely.
"Is he threatening teachers" Snape went on the same.
"No" Dumbledore all but spat.
"Is he threatening-"
"He isn't threatening anyone!" Dumbledore finally snapped, cutting off his bored drawl.
"Then you cannot insist." Snape persevered calmly, as if the famously docile headmaster hadn't just practically yelled at him, "You cannot insist I do anything with the boy, because by your own admission there are no extenuating circumstances caused by said boy which, given my contracted teaching agreement, would rule any duty of care for him on my part, especially on a day when I am not technically on duty as a staff member."
"I'm not asking Severus, I'm telling and as headmaster of this school", he said pompously, "you would do well to respect that if you intend to keep your job."
"If you wish to make amendments to my teaching contract, you will need to contact Angela, my representative at the Wizarding Teachers Union. As it stands you legally cannot fire me without three prior warnings that have been independently tested by an unbiased source as to their warrant and authenticity in relation to their claim that I have breached my contract." Was Snape's long-winded and articulate reply.
"I don't recall us ever making any contract" Dumbledore stated defensively, I bet Voldemort doesn't have to put up with this crap he thought mutinously.
"No, of course you wouldn't. You were too busy trying to comfort and cotton wrap your precious Gryffindors to pay any attention to what your hopeless case of a traitorous professor was asking you" Snape spat scornfully, "and so when I came to you and asked you what my new teaching agreement would be all you said was 'try not to kill any of the students'. I had it witnessed, recorded and officiated. So you cannot fire me unless on three separate occasions, I fail to 'try not to' kill a student." Snape concluded smirking across at a clearly frustrated headmaster.
"If this is about money Severus, I could give you a raise" Dumbledore said kindly, changing tact fast. Snape snorted derisively.
"There isn't enough gold in Gringrott's to compel me to speak to that arrogant little devil's spawn." He replied snidely.
"As I recollect Severus" Dumbledore stated darkly, returning to his disgruntled manner, "there was a time when you would have wished that 'devil's spawn' your own, had the lovely Miss Evans not found you inadequate…" he trailed off nastily.
"Yes, it is always remarkable the things senility allows you to remember and forces you to forget" Snape spoke cheerily, "It must be a terrific relief on your memory now to have living breathing proof that the spawn of two arrogant dunderheads has produced a truly evil little beast – you must feel so proud for them." He spoke condescendingly.
"Really Severus, must we fight?" Dumbledore said pleadingly, again changing tact, "We used to be such good friends!"
"Of course not, by all means you are free to leave" was Snape's sarcastically near earnest reply. Dumbledore sighed heavily and fixed the professor with a harsh glare for some time – Snape met it calm and unwavering.
"This will not be the last of this Severus" he finally stated forebodingly.
"Of course not" replied Snape nonchalantly bored, "As always I shall live in fear of the geriatric who roams the hallways in search of a chamber pot that resides under his bed – may he never find the dungeons in the dark. Amen." Snape concluded, throwing the dregs of his tea into the fire, over the face of a furiously spluttering headmaster. He departed the room for his office where he could perhaps get some marking done in peace – ignoring all the way the vulgar cursing of the supposedly saintly Dumbledore… really, if people only knew… but no one ever believed him anyway, so he dismissed the dream as irrelevant and concentrated on dreams he could achieve – like making Black into a dagwood dog.
AN:
umm yes, I have nothing witty to say - feel free to proceed to poorly thought out review rant like sentence.
Call me superstitious... but I had a bad feeling about last chapter, then I threw up everywhere, must have been something I ate, cos ppl liked last chapter, you should all thank them for their reviews - which brought you this chapter :)
I think I might be rambling, so yeah nitey night!
Katty xx