Dreams
the fifth night.
There were nights when Sakura didn't dream at all.
Those times were the ones that were the easiest to get by. As soon as she fell asleep, she would be engulfed by a comfortable black slumber, and the hours would fly by in a matter of minutes.
She would like to think that during those times, she was at peace.
x
It wasn't a surprise for her when they discovered the trail circling around Konoha the next day. As planned, Sakura and Tenten were sent into the village to report back to the Hokage.
The streets were lively. During their lunch hour, many people were shopping or eating, and she felt slightly detached, as she was wearing her mask and not able to participate in any of these festivities. She was sure Tenten felt the same, as the weapons mistress was turning her head occasionally and watching the villagers for long moments. It was difficult to imagine that an S-class criminal was lurking somewhere within the masses of people.
She knew she shouldn't have been recognizable with her mask on, but then again, she was the only one around with pink hair. She stopped in her tracks when two hands covered the slits of her mask, rendering her momentarily blind. "Guess who!"
The familiar voice brought a grin to her face. "Nice to see you, too, Naruto." She turned around and greeted him, and he pulled her into his arms for a brief hug.
"I didn't expect to see you back so soon. How was the mission?"
Her brow furrowed, but he wasn't able to see. Did he know what she was assigned to do, yet? "It's still happening. I'm reporting to Hokage-sama first."
The frown on the blonde's face was very much visible, and she couldn't help but think that something was wrong. "So you haven't heard, yet." The cheery aura he held just moments before disappeared, and she wondered what was up.
"Heard what?"
He shrugged. "I suppose Tsunade-baa-chan will tell you. I'll walk you guys there and wait for you outside, okay?" After getting an okay from Tenten, the three of them headed towards the Hokage tower together.
Naruto was quiet the entire way. Sakura eyed him from time to time, worried about what news she might hear. It took a lot to silence him.
When they arrived at the door of Tsunade's office, he made himself comfortable by leaning against the wall and crossing his arms. They knocked, and when a distant "Come in," was heard, he nodded. Swallowing, she followed behind Tenten and shut the door behind her.
The woman sitting at the desk had her hands folded, resting her chin on them. She looked stressed, she noted. "Sakura, Tenten."
"We're here to report, Hokage-sama." The weapons mistress beside her straightened herself up, and she followed suit.
The woman nodded. "Report."
Sakura started. "Uchiha Sasuke's trail began near the border of the Country of Fire and the Country of Wind. From there, we discovered that his trail led him back to Konoha. Hyuuga Neji and Nara Shikamaru are currently following it now on the outskirts of the village." It felt so strange to say Sasuke's name with such professionalism and authority.
"We suggest sending out at least two platoons of ANBU forces," Tenten continued. "Sasuke returning here means that there's a high likelihood of Uchiha Itachi being nearby. Uzumaki Naruto is in danger, as well as the entire village."
The Hokage didn't respond for a very long moment. "Tenten, Sakura…your squad hasn't heard the news yet, since you were out on your mission…The information arrived just one day after your departure." She paused, as if finding the words. Sakura tensed. This was probably what Naruto was referring to.
What could possibly be the problem? She couldn't think of anything that might cause her shishou to be in this state.
The woman took a deep breath. "I would like you to inform Neji and Shikamaru as soon as possible, if they haven't seen me by the time you find them. Uchiha Itachi…" her brow furrowed even more, "…is dead."
Sakura stared.
"W…What?" She opened her mouth and closed it again, unable to find the words. "Dead?" Dead, as in…lifeless? Not breathing anymore? Heart having stopped beating? Cold? Gone?
"What else does dead mean?" Inner Sakura asked dryly.
"When did he die?" Tenten asked, without skipping a heartbeat.
"One day before you set out."
She felt lightheaded. What did that mean? If Itachi died before she even saw Sasuke again…Did he lie to her when he requested her help? What did everything she had done up until now been for? She clenched and unclenched her hands, beginning to perspire underneath her mask.
Her mind was in turmoil. She couldn't even think straight right now, let alone the reason why Sasuke did the things he did. She had the lips he kissed, the hair his hands ran through, the body he touched…and yet, she knew absolutely nothing…
"So…" She swallowed. "If he's dead, wouldn't Sasuke return?" That was what he had promised, right? That if he killed Itachi, he'd come back to Konoha. "He was the one who killed him, right?"
Tsunade sighed. "Without a doubt. But due to circumstances…things might be a little different."
"What do you mean?" Sakura noted the Tenten seemed much calmer about this than she was. Of course; she wasn't devoted to Sasuke—she barely even knew him. This was just another mission, with the safety of her village at stake. She wished it was the same for her.
The Hokage looked as though she was going to shoot the next thing that moved. "Due to certain…reasons for the Uchiha massacre in the past, and how many of these reasons that may have reached Sasuke's ears…he might not be returning on peaceful terms." Before Sakura could ask, she answered her question for her. "It's not something I can tell you, but I can assure you that Konoha will face the point of annihilation if he isn't stopped."
She didn't know how to respond to that. It seemed that Tenten didn't know, either. But they weren't required to talk. She saw the woman's fists clench and a vein in her temple throb—literally.
"I'll send ANBU out right away. You two go and rest for now; your shifts begin tomorrow morning with the search party. Remember: don't kill him."
After saluting, the two kunoichi left the tension-filled office. Naruto was still in the same position as when they went in, and he looked up at her wearily. It was only then did she notice the faint bags under his eyes, and the way his aura seemed damper than usual.
Tenten nodded at her. "I'll see you tomorrow, then. Meet at the front gates?"
"Sure." Once the weapons mistress left, Sakura began to feel lightheaded. Naruto straightened himself up and put a supporting arm around her shoulders.
"Konoha's going to be annihilated," she whispered brokenly, barely audible. She was on the very verge of tears. Her entire body shook, and the feelings of fear, and…betrayal welled up in her. Sasuke left her. Again. And she was stupid enough to actually believe that he would stay.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
His grip on her tightened. "No, it's not," he told her resolutely as they made their way out of the tower. "We're going to protect it, and we're going to win. Sasuke only has how many people following him? Two? Three? We'll kill them, and we'll get him back."
She admired his determination. Where did it all come from? She used to be just like him, knowing that the Uchiha would come back one day—but all her energy was gone. She couldn't find the will in herself to believe anymore.
"I don't know, Naruto…" She shook her head, grateful for the mask she wore. She was sure he would break at her expression right now. "I honestly don't know anymore."
He stopped walking and turned her around so she faced him, his hands on her shoulders. The bright sun shone down on them in the lively streets of the village, but she still felt so incredibly cold. "I don't know why Sasuke would want to destroy Konoha, but this is his home. He has no reason to stay away anymore. We can convince him; I'm sure of it."
He stared at her for a long time, until she finally began to relax under his touch. Just seeing that face…she couldn't say no to him. She couldn't tell him what had happened. In fact…it surprised her to realize that she had never planned to in the first place.
She forced a smile, even though he couldn't see it. "Only you can look forward like that." He knew she had surrendered to him—but only temporarily.
"Let's get you home and clean you up. Then we can go somewhere."
Although she had no idea where they could go under circumstances such as this, she listened to him. There was no use in worrying about it now. "Will you be part of the search party?"
"I'm the only one in it who won't be part of the ANBU." She heard the frustration in his voice; not being able to be where she was, where the majority of their friends were. He was one of the few in their generation who hadn't made it to ANBU status yet—those who wanted to be in it, anyway.
She didn't respond; rather, let him guide her to her house. She didn't want to think right now, didn't want to talk right now. It was something she needed to sort out on her own.
When they arrived, Sakura let Naruto in. He made himself comfortable on the couch in her living room while she headed to her room to change and shower. Wearily tossing her weapons holster onto her bed, she ignored the strange clinking that sounded in it. They were probably rusty and a little dirty; she'll clean them tonight.
It felt good to peel off her uniform. Having worn it for almost one week straight made her skin dry and somewhat itchy. Her bed looked awfully inviting, but she knew Naruto was waiting outside for her, so she grabbed her trademark red outfit and headed to the bathroom.
The hot water loosened her tensed muscles considerably. She relaxed a little as she rubbed the soap over her skin, feeling the tears stinging her eyes when the inevitable thoughts came.
Sasuke. Sasuke lied to her. He lied to her. She had given herself to him so willingly, and he lied.
It seemed very much like him, actually. He was always so good at masking his feelings—it was her that was the bubble of emotions. It was her that cried as easily as she smiled. It was all her—and he had used it to his advantage. He knew she would follow him. He had planned everything out.
And she had helped to bring him one step closer to her home's obliteration.
She couldn't even begin to feel disgusted with herself. She shouldn't have listened to him. Inner Sakura had warned her—hell, everyone had warned her—that this might happen. But she had so much confidence in herself—too much, apparently.
"Don't make me say I told you so," Inner Sakura sang. "You're fucking busted."
She stared at herself in the fogged up mirror. The hair that he had complimented…the bangs that he had claimed he liked…those were lies too, weren't they? Saying that being a medic suited her, saying that she could've handled those drunkards easily…He probably made all of that up just to soften her up even more. The only time he was acting himself was most likely when he told her to shut up.
She wanted to shatter the mirror.
She stepped out of the bathroom and into the living room, drying her hair with a pink towel. Naruto didn't look the slightest bit impatient as he had a lazy smile resting on his lips—even though they both knew it wasn't entirely real.
"You ready?"
She held up a finger. "Just one more thing." She tied her hitai-ate securely on her head—a last pathetic attempt to show her loyalty to Konoha. "Okay. Ready."
He took her around town—nowhere special, really. They visited Ino in her flower shop, and Lee in his usual training area. They then met up with Kakashi and Sai at Ichiraku for a late lunch. Even though Kakashi's eye still crinkled in his same amused manner, and Sai's smile—fake or not—still unnerved Naruto when he commented on his penis (or, really, lack thereof), she felt distanced. It wasn't the same. Not after what she had done.
She felt someone nudge her. She turned to the pale artist, who was sitting beside her. "You haven't been eating your lunch. Is it because you don't like it? You could try mine, if you like." He had a small bunch of ramen in his chopsticks, as if offering it to her.
She watched him for a moment. "Oh, okay," she said absent-mindedly, much to Naruto's surprise. She opened her mouth, and Sai fed her his lunch right off of his own chopsticks.
"K-K-K-Kakashi-sensei…" The Jinchuuriki looked green. "Did she just…?"
The silver-haired jounin stared wordlessly. "Yes, I think she did." She had no idea why they were looking at her like that. Shrugging it off, she took a small bite out of her own bowl.
A little while later, Naruto had been called for a short briefing with the Hokage, as he was the only one who wasn't within the ANBU to join the search party. Sakura was left alone with Kakashi and Sai, so they headed to their regular training grounds.
She politely declined their offer to train with her, and watched quietly from the sidelines as the two shinobi practiced their ninjutsu. She was only half paying attention, as her mind still swarmed with doubt, confusion, and maybe unnamed emotions.
It was still hard to believe. Impossible, even. Sasuke lied. It all made sense, but she couldn't find it in her to accept it.
Everyone looked so normal. It was if it was just another day, and she was just taking a break while Sai and Kakashi continued training…Sai's ink beasts and Kakashi's Raikiri—and soon, Naruto's Rasengan and shadow clones, too…
"Will there be something else for you to explain to me today?" Surprised, she snapped out of her reverie to find her pale teammate sitting beside her.
Over the years, Sakura had taught the boy many things that required feelings. Laughter, tears, frustration, boredom…And little by little, the artist had grown accustomed to these feelings. There were points when his smile was a little different, and she would wonder if it was a genuine one or not. Sometimes, she even saw him furrow his brow, as if trying to match a name to an emotion he was feeling.
She leaned back against the tree, sighing heavily. "I think today…I'll tell you about love."
Sai tilted his head to the side in question. "Love?"
Nodding, she turned towards him, crossing her legs. This was a good opportunity to get her mind off of things for a while. "Yeah." She looked upwards at the branch that protruded from the tree directly over them. "Kakashi-sensei, would you like to listen, too?"
"I'm fine from here, thanks." She was sure the man knew everything she did about love. And even now, she wasn't sure if she understood it all. He sat on the branch lazily, enjoying his Icha Icha Paradise.
"Love is a feeling of devotion," Sai told her. They always started with him reciting what he had learned from books. "Usually only for one person. Many people claim that it's hard to find, and it is similar to infatuation, but lasts a lifetime. Lust can also be mistaken for it."
Sakura blinked. Lust…
Her cheeks began to redden at the thoughts from the night before.
She cleared her throat. "Right. You can see this when Naruto's with Hinata. Hinata's loved Naruto forever, and he only recently began to return the feelings. But love doesn't have to be mutual." She saw Inner Sakura roll her eyes at the irony. She's teaching Sai about love, this feeling claimed to be the best in the world, when she herself was still tangled in its web. "You can love someone even if they don't love you back."
"Like the way Lee-san loves you?" A blush crept to her cheeks—a much more innocent one this time—as she thought of the taijutsu user. Maybe that wouldn't be considered love…
She nodded. "Yeah. Basically, you would sacrifice everything you had for that person…you care about them…" She listed off the random things that came to mind. "You'd do what they wanted you to do…" Her eyes widened slightly in surprise when she realized just how well those words fit her.
Inner Sakura laughed loudly. "You think you're actually in love with him?" She didn't need to ask for confirmation on who he was.
"Sounds more like obsession to me," Sai deadpanned. At this, she couldn't help but laugh tiredly.
"Yes, obsession could sometimes be mistaken for love, too."
There was silence for a moment, until he spoke again. "Did you love Sasuke-kun?" As usual, his sense of timing was out of wack. She supposed that was one thing she liked about him; he didn't wait to be told. If he wanted to know something, he'd just ask.
A soft smile met her lips. "I thought I did."
"Do you love him now?"
She had to think about that one. "Yes. Yes, I do."
x
And then, there were the nights when she didn't sleep at all.
She decided that they were both good and bad. Good in a way that they kept her from the nightmares she might face in her sleep, and bad in the way that she sometimes reminisced haunting memories—and, of course, the dead exhaustion the next day.
Those nights were always the longest. She would watch television for a couple hours to pass the time, until she found that she wasn't even paying attention to the screen anymore. Then she'd fix herself a midnight snack—usually some fruits or vegetables—and settle down with a book. Or maybe she would clean her weapons—or just stare at the picture of Team Seven on her bedside table.
Yes, she had to admit, her nights awake and alone were very lively.
She found it essential, though. Sometimes, she spent these all-nighters with Ino, and they would just spend their time talking like normal people would, disregarding the fact that they were shinobi; tools of war, and trained to kill.
After all, she was only human.
x
On the fifth night, Sakura was alive. However, she didn't feel very alive when she finally arrived home in the late evening.
She was exhausted. She more or less wanted to just plop herself down on the couch and do absolutely nothing. She could feel it; even though she was completely worn out, it was probably one of those nights where she'd toss and turn in bed, unable to fall asleep.
But then again, it was just a hunch.
Making her way into her room, she found her weapons holster on her bed where she had left it, and got ready to clean up. She opened the holster and dumped the various tools onto her bed, frowning when they sounded different. Well, not technically different—they sounded pretty normal—but different as in…different from the way they sounded earlier today.
She counted them and organized them into categories: kunai, shuriken, senbon, exploding tags. Nothing was missing—and she didn't expect anything to be. After all, she hadn't even used any of these weapons.
Her chest rose and fell with a sigh, before her entire body tensed on instinct.
Not now, she begged soundlessly, though she knew no one would give her mercy. I'm not ready. "G-Go away, Sasuke-kun. I don't want to see you." How he managed to slip into the village and find her house—or even remember where it was—was beyond her. And at the moment, she didn't care. Her heart was racing, thoughts confused and incoherent.
He chuckled softly in amusement. "Not even going to ask me how I made it here?"
"Don't think I'm stupid enough to not notice a little extra weight in my holster while travelling. I've transformed into weapons quite a few times myself during missions. Where are your friends?" She forced her voice to be dry, and she wondered if he saw right through her.
The Uchiha scoffed lightly. "Searching." It was only now that she realized how vague his answers really were; how little he had actually let on.
"Searching for who?" she asked quietly, taking a kunai and running a finger over the smooth face of the blade.
"Uchiha Itachi." The way he answered made it seem like he already knew what was going on inside her head. Which he probably did. She honestly, honestly thought he was more human than this.
She turned around. "Uchiha Itachi's corpse, you mean?" With the flick of her wrist, she flung the kunai straight for his head—his soft, soft raven locks and his flawless face. She knew he'd dodge it; with one tilt of his head, the blade embedded itself in her doorframe, and not his forehead.
She heard the smirk in his voice. "And I thought you wouldn't believe it."
"How can I not?" Her arms fell limp to her side as her hands clenched into fists. Her gaze dropped to the ground, as if she couldn't stand seeing his perfectly deceptive face. "When Shishou tells me it's true…when Naruto reassures me that it'll all be okay…when Kakashi-sensei and Sai do their best to act normal just for me…" The tears that she had held in the entire day began to spill; rolling down her cheeks and dripping off her chin. Her sobs were soft, though; sporadic and breaking the silence of the room.
"Sakura." In just a moment, he stood in front of her, hands gripping her shoulders tightly. She wasn't sure if it was out of anger or comfort. "I wouldn't lie to you." She didn't know if she should believe him. His voice was just as smooth, just as expressionless as usual—but she never thought of it as expressionless. She just thought of it as suave. As collected.
"So, what, you're saying the entire village is lying to me?" she demanded, her head snapping up. Her vision blurred, and she only partly saw Sasuke's face, but she was sure he didn't hold any feelings in those endless eyes of his, anyway. They were crimson right now, and she was sure, foretelling the vision of her friends' pools of blood.
There was a short silence. "Yes."
Her jaw dropped. Literally. To say that and actually think she would believe him—
But he cut off all of her thoughts with a kiss. It was hard and demanding—as expected of him—but she managed to lift her hands up to his chest and shove him away.
"Don't do that to me, Sasuke-kun! I'm not the Sakura you used to know! I don't think the way I used to, and I most definitely don't feel the same towards you as I did back then!" It didn't take long to realize that she was only blabbering whatever came to mind first. Whatever she was saying had a high possibility of not being true.
He watched her with a minimal amount of curiosity as she roughly wiped her tears away. "I'm not a little girl anymore! I'm not as simple-minded as I used to be, and I value my friends a lot more now. I love Naruto and Sai and Kakashi-sensei and Ino…" As she continued, her voice continued to die away. She stared desperately at his face, searching for something—anything—to make her believe. To end all of this confusion and—must she admit it—pain.
And then suddenly, he did the unthinkable. His lips curved upward—not one side more than the other, like a smirk—and his eyes crinkled slightly. She even saw the slight indents in either of his cheeks. Dimples?
Uchiha Sasuke smiled.
"I wouldn't lie to you, Sakura," he repeated resolutely. His words, his voice, his finality bounced off the walls, and she felt as if she would crumble.
"Bullshit," she spat, and for the first time in a long time, Inner Sakura nodded in agreement. She couldn't find the will to hurt him—she never could—so instead, she turned around and promptly took the edge of her bed sheets. With a well-practiced flick of her wrists, the sheets moved with a sudden wave, and the weapons sitting upon it flew in different directions towards the other side of the room. Some embedded into the roof, others the wall, and some just clattered onto the floor. She didn't care. She'd clean it up tomorrow.
Without even changing into her pajamas, she climbed into bed, burying her head under the pillows and only hoping that Sasuke would take the hint and go away.
Naturally, he didn't.
Instead, much to her chagrin, he climbed into bed with her. Her mortified expression was apparent as she tried—tried—to push him away. "Get out, Sasuke-kun. I don't want to see you anymore. Just let me go."
"You were the one who couldn't let me go." She felt his strong arms snaking around her figure and pulling her close to him. She couldn't find the will to struggle then—not with his faint scent reminding her of the nights before, with his warmth engulfing her so completely.
She fought to hide her face. "Are you that desperate for me to kill you?" Her voice was soft.
"You wouldn't even try." She didn't know if implied that she was weak, or that she loved him—and she figured she was better off not knowing. His lips pressed against her hair, and she could feel his warm breath when he whispered, "Everything will be okay."
Will it be, though?
"I…still don't think this is right," she said uneasily, fidgeting a little in his arms. "I've gone against the village enough already. I've done enough for you. I didn't turn you in, and I don't intend to. So won't you just go now?"
He didn't respond—instead, brought a hand to her chin and lifted her up for a kiss.
A…soft one, she soon realized. Not a demanding one.
Inner Sakura rolled her eyes. "There is something seriously wrong here, Don'tcha think?"
She melted at his touch. She wasn't sure if she wanted to, or if it was just an instinct her body had acquired over the past little while. Or maybe, she'd always had it, but never knew, because up until five days ago, Sasuke would never even touch her.
Pressing her body closer to his, she squeezed her eyes shut, as if hoping she wouldn't have to see this monster that was in front of her. This monster that was eating away at her, slowly but inevitably…
His thigh eased between her two legs, and he brought it up, dangerously close to…Her cheeks flushed.
"Don't do this…" Her desperate plea was cut off by his lips. She didn't fight when he shifted his position so he was hovering over her, and it was only then that she acknowledged the fact that it was because she didn't want to—not that she couldn't.
So maybe, just for one more night, she'll let him indulge in her…After all, one of them was going to die in the end, anyway…
She wondered if it would be better if she was the one who was dead.
It wasn't clear to her as to when the clothes came off. It wasn't clear to her as to when the familiar heat pooled in her lower abdomen. But it was clear to her as to when the pain started.
"Fuck," Inner Sakura snarled in disbelief. "Do they even come in that size?"
Her arms wrapped around his neck and she pressed her face into his skin—his perfect, flawless skin—only slightly beaded with perspiration, trying, trying to ignore the feeling of being ripped apart…
The large hands that held her waist were the only anchors she had left that kept her in reality. Her breaths grew heavy, and she was even tempted to cry. Just trying to keep those thoughts and regrets and feelings away, just for tonight, just for one night…
She couldn't remember when it began to feel good. Or if it really felt good at all. Their bodies moving together in a continuous rhythm, steady and endless…Just knowing that this was Sasuke and knowing that Sasuke was touching her, Sasuke was being intimate with her—the Sasuke she had always thought she loved—and maybe still did…Maybe that made it all worth it.
She tried to let herself go. For the most part, it worked. Just letting herself being swept away was much easier than resisting. The only sounds in the room were their heavy breathing, her sporadic moans and his occasional grunts. And, maybe, just for now, that would be okay.
On the fifth night, Sakura was alive. It might not have been her ideal vision of being alive—but she was alive, nevertheless.
A/N: Much thanks to xx. false - deception for beta reading this entire fic. Go check out her works. Like, now. XD
The chapter is longer this time! Yeah! :D This story is coming to a close. Wow, it just went by so fast. Two more chapters, and the end.
Reviews are always nice.