A/N: Oh my. It's been forever, hasn't it? I sincerely apologize for the delay. I'm not going to make excuses or make this any longer than it has to be. I'm just going to apologize for how excruciatingly long it took to get this up. If your still reading after this, I adore you to the ends of the earth. All previous chapters have not been changed at all except for the names. Even the authors notes are the same. This chapter is dedicated to any former readers who are still actually reading this. I promise to update more and finish this story, now that its reposted and legal.
ps. I apologize if the chapter isn't that great. I haven't had the time to write in a while, so I'm a little (or a lot) rusty.
Anyone But You
Chapter Thirteen
Darkness. It was the only thing that I could come up with to explain this situation. It was the only word to describe my every emotion. It was the only word to illustrate my surroundings. The pit of my stomach was clenching tightly, and I could feel the spin in my head. This wasn't how it was supposed to play out. This wasn't how it was supposed to end up. I had never really planned, but if I had, this never would have been the outcome I expected. This was too... unforgivable. Too hard to forget, and too hard to leave behind. Lies. The only word to replace the darkness.
I was lies, and lies, and nothing more. I was a lie, a liar, a fake, a mistake. This was all a mistake to me. Every moment, every word, every time the clock ticked. Every hug, every touch, and every kiss. Lies, fakes, mistakes, and more importantly, gone. But as much as I could convince myself of this, I couldn't. I had that nagging feeling in the back of my head that told me I was wrong. That told me that as much as I wanted it to end here and now, that it would never end. That this would consume me for a life time. That as much as I hated it, I had to come to terms that this was what I really wanted, and no amount of security should let it slip away from me. I should let this constant change, and grow, and become something new I could depend on. But I couldn't. I couldn't for as long as I was a liar. And I knew I was.
I had let my guard down, and let my lies escape me. The truth I had spoke before was my every thought, my every feeling. But it all came from lies. And now that he knew those lies, I had suddenly changed in his eyes. Was I not his vision of perfection? Was I not everything he wanted me to be? Did he not trust me anymore? Did he think that this one lie meant that everything I had ever said was fake? These were the questions swirling amidst the darkness. These were the thoughts that I couldn't forget. And even if he should hate me for forever and eternity, I took that opportunity. I took the opportunity to save him. To save him from himself, and more importantly, from these walls. These walls that held him captive, and these walls that promised our death. I never told him that I was to blame, and he would never have to know.
As I replayed that memory, I watched myself run from him. I watched myself run up the steps, leaving the pieces of the wig laying on the floor. The memory encompassed me and I could hear myself slam the bedroom door shut, I felt my fingers grab the chair and lean it up against the door frame in case he should come after me. I waited for his bangs, and his calls, but they never did come. I waited for the apologies he should have said, and the apologies I would have ignored. I waited, and still I waited. I knew I was okay when I heard the soft creaking of the steps on the staircase. I heard the floorboards creak, and I heard his own door open, and then slam shut. My breath left me in that moment, and thats when I came back to life. I had crept out of Shane's room and led myself back down the stairs, gathering the wig. I attached it back into my hair, trying to be what he wanted. What he thought was real. What he would never know was that everything I was when I was with him was real. What he would never know was that everything I was about to do was real, and I would never fake it for the world.
And as I left that memory behind me, I sat. I sat in this darkness, waiting just like I had waited before, but for an entirely different reason. My body shook as I leaned up against the washing machine in the laundry room with the lights off. The phone was in my hand and I was still. Soon. It would happen soon, I was sure of it, but I just didn't know exactly when. The thoughts scared me, but I had to. For him. To save him. And to save, you had to sacrifice.
I felt the phone in my hands and I sucked in a breath. If they had any decency at all, they would let me do this. But who was I kidding, to even assume they had a decent cell in their bodies. To assume that they would let me do anything would be stupid of me. But I would try, because at this point thats all I could do.
My fingers pressed the familiar buttons that I had called almost every day since I had met her. I had pressed these buttons so many times that I knew how they should sound when you dialed it. I listened closely as I clicked each one, sure that this would be the last time I would ever hear it. And then I waited. And the rings came, and they kept coming. As each one met my ear, my heart jumped higher into my throat. As each one came, I worried more and more that she wouldn't answer. That I would never get to talk to her ever again. As each one came -
"Hello?" I heard the quiet voice on the other end. I could hardly even be sure that it was her. It was clouded by sniffles and what I was sure was tears. She was crying, wasn't she? Didn't she know? I couldn't possibly be dead if they had found Lola.
"Miley?" I could hardly believe it was my own voice. I sounded scared, and weak, and innocent. I sounded like nothing I had ever heard myself sound like before. But my voice had this air of knowledge about it. Like I knew,and there was nothing else I could say to describe it. I just knew, and I did know. I knew what was about to happen next and I knew this could be the last time I ever spoke to my best friend.
"Lilly? No. no. no. no," She yelled, "No, no, no, no, no!" I hadn't expected a reaction quite like this one. "Who the hell is this, this isn't funny!"
"It's me." I whispered, almost too calm for the situation.
"No," She whispered back, sniffling, "Lilly?"
"Yeah, Miley, I swear."
"Where are you? Are you okay? Please, just tell me anything." She spoke with urgency in her voice. She was frantic, speaking as quickly as possible as if I could die any second. And honestly, I could. But I knew I wouldn't. It was Nate that I was worried about. He was the one who was really on the line.
"I'll be okay, I promise," I told her. I'm not sure that she would take it in the same way I meant, but if it gave her any peace of mind, then it was fine. But it was true, I would be okay. Perhaps not anytime soon, but I would be... eventually.
"Miley, will you do me one thing?" I asked her, sniffling as well. I coughed a bit, and it pained my stomach. I was still littered in bruises, and some of the cuts were reopening on my body. But still, I was going to be okay.
"Anything Lilly," She spoke quickly, seemingly out of breath, "Just- Where are you, please tell me."
"I don't know," I whispered honestly, "But please..." Deep breaths. Deep breaths. It was the only thing I could think of to keep me calm. "Tell my mom I love her, and tell Oliver that I'm going to miss him so much. Tell him to be careful, please, and to watch out for himself." I told her, thinking of all the late days Oliver would be spending with Miller at the police station. It scared me to think that Miller might do something, anything to him. It scared me to think that Miller would even go free.
"Lilly, don't talk like that," Miley cried on the other end, "You're going to-"
"Miley, don't make this harder than it has to be," I pleaded and she quieted. "Tell Jason he's amazing, and tell Shane that I'm sorry. Don't stop looking, we're not dead," I didn't dare to add 'not yet anyways' to my statement because I wasn't sure how true it would be for me, "And when you find Nate, tell him that..." I choked up, my eyes watering and my voice cracking, "Tell him it wasn't a mistake."
That was the last I could say because the phone went dead. The dial tone echoed throughout the dark room and I was back to square one. Waiting. And thats all I could do until the darkness completely came and until the night came to steal me away. Until I would have to give up everything to give my everything a second chance. But that was okay.
Everything would be alright eventually, that much I knew. In moments or hours or days I would forget all about this and it would all become memories lost in the commotion. I would never have to put brick after brick on my guard walls, and I would never have to clean up the mess when I let them come crashing down. Every heart ache would disappear and every laugh would vanish. The good and the bad would be neither good nor bad, or even in existence. It would be gone and I would do it all to save every memory and good and bad, every laugh and tear and brick that he would ever have. Because that was more important than any memory I would ever have. Not only because he meant this much to me, but because I was the cause. I was the butterfly flap that set off the tsunami half way across the world. He should have had no play in this board game, but I had unwillingly and unknowingly gave him his dice to roll. I signed his death certificate and the only way to erase it was to sign my own. The pen wrote easily and the signature was permanent. It would be over, and I was glad.
I sat in that laundry room for what must have been hours. Perhaps Miller knew I was awaiting his arrival so he kept me in suspense. He wanted me to be afraid, to listen to every creak and squeak of the floorboards and to close my eyes in fear. He wanted me to think about what I was waiting for and what kind of opportunity I was giving him. And I did. I thought about it all and I envisioned every moment in my head. I anticipated and I feared, but I didn't go back. When I thought about Nate, those thoughts over powered every memory of Miller. Nate's smile, his laugh, his face when he was angry. These were the memories that helped me to endure, and these were the only things that kept me going. I knew that doing this would give him the chance to keep that smile, that laugh and the fire in his eyes. And the butterflies fluttered just a little louder, almost to the point where I could hardly hear the squeaks and creeks that I was sure Miller wanted me to be afraid of. However, the fear still settled in my soul, deeper than the butterflies could ever reach. By now though, the fear that I had begun to feel was gone as I slipped into that unconscious ease. The towel wrapped around my face and I breathed in delightfully and pleasantly, knowing it would give me the peace I so desperately needed in this moment. I didn't fight back, and I didn't scream one note. I went easily and I was prepared to make a bargain. I would give him what he wanted in return for my one last wish. The one last wish that slipped my mind as the darkness came over me in an entirely different way than the lights simply being switched off as I sat blindly in the laundry room. This darkness was one of uncertainty, but it left me hanging as all my thoughts disappeared and all my worries vanished. There was no hope, no fear, no love. In this moment, with my head lolled to the side as Miller carried me away, I simply was.
The state that I had wanted so badly didn't last nearly as long as I wanted it too. The eerie calm lasted for what seemed like mere seconds, but I knew it must have been so much longer. My body was cold, and I wanted to shiver, but I didn't. My eyes felt motionless, as if I didn't even have the energy to open them. I willed my fingers to move, but they didn't. I was too tired, too drained to move just an inch. Surprisingly though, my skin didn't ache. It didn't hurt or burn and I felt no new scratches or bruises forming. I felt cared for and I allowed myself to fall into a sense of security. I had no reason to believe that Miller would treat me in such a careful way, and I couldn't even be sure that Miller was the one who had taken me away to wherever I currently was.
Thats when the burning came on every millimetre of my skin. The little burning as each hair on my body stood straight and the fear slowly slid back into my soul. The back of my forehead had that prickling sensation and I felt everything slow down. I stopped for a moment and thought. I had to stop and seriously ask myself if I was even alive anymore. My body wouldn't move and the pain had disappeared. The cold surrounded me and yet I couldn't shake or react to it. Was this what it was like to die? To just feel and be nothing? However I had to wonder why I could feel the cold and yet no pain? Why I could feel the fear and yet no hope or happiness? I couldn't be dead. This couldn't possibly be all there was left for me. I couldn't have given everything up just to experience this forever. This was worth it though, if Nate was alright. It would all be worth it if he made it though and if he laughed and loved and smiled forever.
Three seconds. Thats how long it took for this entire scenario to shatter. I couldn't move, but I could hear the footsteps in the distance. I could hear the voices, and the voice of one that I knew all too well. The cold in his voice took my mind off the cold pressing deeper into my body, and the shiver that I could never shiver before came as his tone sent chills down my spine. The feeling of nothingness and fear was one I desperately wanted back as the reality overcame me. I wasn't dead, but what I had thought was dead was better than this. I couldn't deny it though, I had placed myself in this situation. I had isolated myself and taunted him and begged him almost to take me away. Now that I was face to face with the moment, I wasn't sure I had prepared myself enough. One memory was all it took though. The one memory of Nathaniel Gray was the only thing I needed to get through. The scene played through my head over and over. Our legs were intertwined and our bodies were pressed together tightly. His lips were molding over mine and his voice was whispering the I love yous that I would desperately need to replay. My eyes squeezed tighter as my mind raced through it over and over and over until it suddenly hit stop.
"Morning Sweetheart," His voice spoke and I felt specs of his saliva fall onto my face. In that moment, my entire body came back to life and I felt myself wanting to gasp for air. I didn't. I didn't move despite the fact that moments before it would have been all I could ever ask for. I stayed as still as possible and slowly my eyes squinted open. Light surrounded me as it peeked through the blinds, which had been closed. From that house I had learned not to trust the light and dark as everything could be fake and fabricated. For all I knew it could be midnight, not what seemed to be the morning. Then again, he did say morning didn't he? But he could be trusted just about as much as the light could.
My eyes slowly trailed over him and I wanted to be sick. He had the merciless smile strewn across his face as he looked at me. His teeth were white, and he smiled at me with something I couldn't place. The blond hair was disheveled and the honey eyes were distracted for the moment. I couldn't believe someone like him could ever be so cruel. If I had ever passed him on the street before I would never have second guessed him. He just looked so... so put together. So normal. He didn't fit the cookie cutter for a killer or a psychopath, but I guess thats what made him so much harder to catch.
He had the ins and outs of the system too, I knew. He was a cop, a police officer and could add or remove anything he wanted from the case. Thats probably why it was so simple for him to fake mine and Nate's untimely deaths. He wanted them to stop looking, so he gave them a reason to. Little did he know, he added more suspicion rather than take it away. Perhaps he didn't even realize his mistake. How could he when he didn't know that they weren't looking for Lola, but rather Lilly.
His eyes darted back to me as he leaned up against a table. The room was one that was similar to our last encounter. I laid against the concrete floor, propped up against the wall that was made of the same gray material. He held a coffee cup in one hand, and just looked at me with sick adoration. I couldn't understand why he wasn't his usual self. His usual disgusting menacing self. He hadn't touched me or hit me or even said anything except to tell me good morning. I eyed him questioningly, but still never moved.
"Come," He spoke with kindness, "Have some coffee." Why the hell was he acting like this?
Slowly, I lifted myself off the concrete and stood, keeping my distance. I shuffled forward, suspicious and let my eyes dart around the room cautiously. I wasn't one for coffee and I definitely wasn't one for this fake sense of security he wanted me to fall into.
"Sit." He growled, and immediately I moved forward and into a chair. He passed me a mug of coffee and sat opposite me. The smile on his face never faded and he had a sense of lies surrounding his every move. I couldn't place just what his motives were for doing this.
"I searched every source imaginable, but I couldn't find what you liked in your coffee. I hope this is okay," He pushed the cup forward, daring me to drink it. I didn't want to. I knew what he was capable of and the only thought that crossed my mind was poison.
"But that's what I like about you," He smiled, narrowing his eyes and staring me down, "Your so mysterious." I moved nervously, looking anywhere but at him. I didn't want to do something that would set him off. Something that would make him want to hurt me or Nate. I would go along with it as long as I possibly could. I just didn't know how far I would be able to make myself go.
"Where's Nate?" We were silent until I asked. His head lifted up from the folder he was looking at. His face seemed angry, and I watched as he sucked in a breath and ran his tongue across his teeth. His shoulders were tense and it looked like he was trying not to explode on me. He closed his eyes for a mere few moments before opening them and staring deep into my soul.
"Don't worry sweetie," He coughed out, still angered, "Nate's exactly where he belongs." The statement scared me. What did that mean? I had intended for this to save Nate, not put him six feet under. I just hoped to God he wasn't dead.
"I want you to let him go," I demanded, gaining the strength to overcome my fear. Miller seemed slightly taken aback at this request. He squinted his eyes at me and swallowed.
"He is exactly where he belongs."
"No." I demanded, my own anger rising. I wasn't going to let this go until I knew that the sacrifice I made would place him out of harms way. I wasn't doing this for nothing. "I want you to let him go. If he's dead, so help me god, I'll-" He cut me off.
"You'll what?" He roared, pushing the file away from himself and standing. He leaned across the table, breathing deeply and ragged. The cruelness that had been missing came back the instant that I defied him. My eyes darted back and forth between his and I wasn't sure just what I had intended on doing. He had caught me off guard, but my mouth rattled on.
"Why do you want me?" I questioned, veering completely off topic, "Why do I interest you? Why are you so intent on keeping me isolated and beating me until I'm covered in bruises?" I felt my own body stand from the chair. He stared at me, shrinking back as I shot question after question at him. Questions that he and I both knew he couldn't answer.
"Do you think that pain makes me want you? Do you think that hurting Nate will make me forget about him?" I seethed. My hand found its way across the table, swiping at the coffee cups and making them tumble to the ground. They reached the floor with a crack and I felt the liquid seep across my bare feet.
"Lola Luftnagle," He spoke. He moved his body from his seat and I froze in place, my strength suddenly gone. He slinked towards me, coming up behind me and pressing himself against my back. I didn't dare to move. I felt the gun slide up to my side and his lips pulled themselves to my ear, whispering.
"Why do you resist me?" He spoke with such confidence. "You ask so many questions, but can you answer me this?" He thought he had me trapped, but it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"Because I love Nate," His breathing stopped and the gun pressed into me, "Because nothing you do will ever make me stop loving him." I felt the cold barrel against my hip and the cold heart of the man behind me. Did he really think that I would ever love him. Did he really think that his obsession could ever channel into something appealing to me. As far as I was concerned, he was sick. He had a problem, and the mysteries surrounding Lola Luftnagle were the only thing that truly intrigued him. He didn't like anything about me. He liked what he couldn't figure out.
"If you care at all about me, or if you have one ounce of goodness in your body, you will let him go," I spoke. The pressure on my side deepened.
"You confuse me," The voice echoed in my ear, "You leave him, and you wait for me to take you away. You choose me, and yet you love him." He spat. The gun left my side and he stepped away from me. He was furious, that much I knew.
"Where do you live Lola? Who's your family?" He roared, "Do you know how fucking hard I worked to create a life for you? To create fingerprints and records, just so that I could fake your death.Where did you come from?! Everyone has to come from fucking somewhere!"
"But not you," He quieted down, turning away from me, "I don't care for you, bitch. You confuse me. I have never not been able to figure someone out until you. Six years ago. There was just something about you, something so utterly confusing and fake. So I looked you up Lola. You don't exist. It's impossible that you could be standing here in front of me when you don't exist. And yet you are." He explained. I stayed quiet the entire time.
"Do you know why your not dead?" He questioned. My head shook slightly to answer, "Because when you die, so do all your fucking answers. And your answers, they entice me. All my life I've wanted something that was real. But you. Your not real." He stepped closer to me, reaching out and grabbing my face. His hand pressed deeply into my bruise and I winced.
"Do you feel?" He inquired menacingly, pressing harder and harder against my skin. "Do you feel anything at all? Do you know what I feel?"
"I've searched everywhere. I have spent countless hours trying to figure you out. I want those answers, and I want you."
"Then let Nate go," Was all I said. It came out emotionless and plain, as if I hadn't listened to a single word he had been saying. His rage got the better of him and his nails dug into the side of my face. His other hand found its way to my waist, digging itself in there. I couldn't feel the pain, I was immune to it by now. The fact that I didn't react just made it even worse.
"Maybe you'll be a little more eager to speak when Nate has a bullet in his head." Was all he said as his touch left my body and he swiftly moved away from me. Before I could react, he stepped across his folder, swung open a door and closed it. The second the lock clicked, I fell. The sacrifice I had tried to make had blown up in my face. Did Miller not see that if he had promised to let Nate go I would have given in. I would have molded to his every need and been his perfect sweetheart, had he promised me that Nate would be okay. But the death certificate I had signed for myself was really just a carbon copy of Nate's.
I let myself fall in that moment. My guard came down, and I landed on my knees. My eyes were wide and red, brimming with unwanted tears. The world was slowing down, my mind was pressing up against my forehead, banging, banging. Pressing, pressing. Waiting for the explosion. Waiting for it all to be over. Nothing came. Nothing ever came. Nothing but this solitary confinement and the complete slow motion of everything around me. The headache was pounding, beating mercilessly against my skull. I just wanted to scream out for it to stop. I wanted the blood to stop in my veins and my heart to cease beating. I wanted time to rewind, to keep going all the way back to the beginning. Before any of this ever had a chance to happen.
My eyes trailed over the ground and my knees crawled towards the discarded file. I let my shaky hands sift through the papers and I found my photo. Lilly Truscott. This was my missing persons case. He had been assigned to the case that he had created, and yet he couldn't figure it out. In this file were the fingerprints and the health records that he had been searching for, but could never find. All the answers he had ever wanted were right in front of him. The mysteries that enticed him were right here, and the information that kept me alive was at my fingertips. While this was the information that kept me alive, it was also the mystery that was about to place a gun to Nate's skull. I could see that now, and I was afraid. I was terrified that he would die. But mostly, I was scared that he would never know that it wasn't a mistake.
A/N: I've decided that there will only be two more chapters left following this one. If anyone has any ideas they may like to add into the story, tell me and I'll consider them. Also, any predictions? One really big question though. How would you feel about Nate posssssibly dying? I thought you guys might take it really negatively, so I'm asking first. Anyways, Please review. I used to adore your long ones, so give me something inspiring to read.
Review please!