By the time they arrived back at G-Town in the God Phoenix, it was late at night. However, Dr. Nambu met with them in the docking bay, just long enough to inform them that Jun was fine and that he had released her from the medical ward on the condition that she rest quietly in her quarters.
Now Joe was lying on his cot in his quarters, trying to do the same thing, but it wasn't working. It had been a long, hard day but there were just too many questions, doubts and fears racing through his mind as he was still trying to understand everything that had happened.
There was one undeniable fact, however, that he couldn't avoid: he was going to have to talk to Jun, sooner or later, and he was…
He was scared; there was no better word for it than that.
He could still, in his mind, hear Ken saying "she loves you," and he could still see the beautiful glow in Jun's eyes that, in that moment, had made a place that was hell on earth seem like a paradise, as he'd held her in his arms and she'd whispered to him, "you're the most human man I know…"
But some part of him was still an insecure adolescent, so quick to shield himself with a brusque facade or with anger so that no one would realize what a soft, vulnerable mess of emotions he really was –the same adolescent who had watched Jun and nearly everyone else gaze with admiration at Ken instead of him, but who had always felt he couldn't blame them.
He could still remember those first days in Dr. Rafael's lab, lying in a hospital bed, his whole body crisscrossed in long incisions, all neatly closed with tiny precise stitches. He'd been unable to move his arms and legs, beyond spasmodic twitches, and he'd been unable to speak without slurring his words. All his hair had been shaved off. He'd been unable to feed himself or bathe himself, and he'd had to be given bedpans because he was unable to use a toilet. And Dr. Rafael had been standing there claiming that he would mask all the incisions with additional grafts, and that Joe's speech and motor skills would gradually return to normal as the "cybernetic and organic neural pathways synchronized" or some-such jargon. Then he'd disclosed that three months had gone by since Karakoram, three months that had been completely lost to Joe in a haze of pain-killing drugs and anesthetics.
Finally he'd informed the helpless lump of cobbled together parts that had once been Condor Joe of the Science Ninja Team that he was in no way a prisoner, and that if there was anyone that he wished to contact, he would see to it personally.
Jun… All Joe had been able to think about in that moment had been Jun.
"N-n-obody. Cont-t-act nob-b-ody," he'd managed to say, as tears trickled out the corners of his eyes –tears he hadn't been able to wipe away because he hadn't been able to move his goddamned arm. He'd been utterly pathetic –no, more than that- he'd been loathsome and pathetic. He'd lied to Jun and everyone else about his illness and had run off to Karakoram alone to die fighting, with his dignity and manhood intact, so determined to not be reduced to a lump in a hospital bed…
Joe sat up on his cot, pulling his knees to his chest. He was shaking and he felt queasy. More than two and a half years later, no matter how he looked or how he functioned now, some part of him still felt like that weeping creature in that hospital bed.
Would he ever be able to just "get over it?"
And would Jun understand, and forgive him for all the pain he'd caused her?
He was going to have to muster up his courage and find out. How strange it was, he thought, that he, who had never worried about storming a Galactor base full of armed goons, was truly frightened at the prospect of seeing Jun.
As he thought about it, though, one thing became clear. He had to go to her. Always, she had been the one who had come to him, the one who had taken the chance. That was how it had begun, years ago, at the Crescent Base when she had gone to his quarters late at night, and she had kissed him...
This time, he would go to her. Hell, he would do it now, before his nerves failed him completely. It was one in the morning and she might not even answer her door if he knocked, but if he went now at least he might learn, for better or for worse, how things really stood between them. As it was, he wasn't going to be able to sleep until he knew… something.
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That little burst of courage took him all the way to her door… but then fled him.
He closed his eyes and tried to recall his memory of the way she'd looked at him today on that ledge at K-3, what she'd said…
But what if he'd read her all wrong? What if he'd just fallen prey to wishful thinking?
But he could also remember what he'd told himself on that ledge, as he'd held her while she slept.
She deserved the truth. He was going to have to try to tell it to her.
He knocked on her door.
No response. He counted to ten, silently.
"Jun? It's me, Joe."
The door opened partially and there she was, blinking as her eyes adjusted from darkness to the light of the corridor. She was wearing loose drawstring pants and a camisole, her hair was mussed –he'd obviously just woken her up. And after the exhausting day she'd had… What had he been thinking?
"I'm sorry, Jun. You were sleeping, I'll go." He was turning away, but she opened the door completely.
"No, don't go, Joe. I wasn't really sleeping now, just resting. You can come in."
She went back into her room, and turned on a lamp on her nightstand. There was nothing to do now but follow her in and shut the door behind him… and to remember to breathe.
She sat down on her cot. There was room for him to sit too, but he wanted to stay on his feet. The look on her face… She wasn't smiling but she didn't look sad; she didn't look worried but she didn't look relaxed either –it was the look of someone in suspension, waiting.
Words, he needed to find words. He turned from her slightly and closed his eyes; it was easier that way.
"Jun… right before the avalanche hit us today, you said you were sorry, but you shouldn't have."
"Joe, I dropped the micro-bomb."
"That's not what I mean. You… you shouldn't have to apologize to me for anything; I'm the one who owes you… so many apologies."
"Joe, you don't-"
"Just… just let me talk, okay?" He glanced at her quickly.
"Okay." She sat back on her cot, till she was resting her back against the wall. He walked over to her undersea window, and rested his hands on the sill. There was a faint reflection of his face in the glass, so he closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry I lied to you about how sick I was… before. I'm sorry I left you behind to go to Karakoram without telling you anything. I'm sorry I didn't let you know I was alive, after…"
"Then tell me why you did it, Joe."
He exhaled slowly; how to explain… This was going to take a while, he thought.
No, the truth, he realized, was very simple but cut straight to the core of who he was. But he would say it, he could say it.
"I was afraid."
Jun didn't say anything. He knew he ought to face her, but…
"I was afraid of being taken off the team, afraid of being… diminished, in your eyes –in everyone's eyes- if I wasn't out there fighting as the Condor, and when I found out I had only about ten days left to live I was afraid of losing my one chance to take Galactor down with me… and I didn't want you to see me die slowly in some hospital –I was afraid of that too. If I was going to die, I wanted it to mean something, but it was never 'the mission is more important than anything or anyone'; when I told you that, the night I came back, I was lying again."
"Why?" Jun's voice was a whisper.
"I thought that if I hurt you, made you think I hadn't… cared that much about you, that you'd stay away from me, avoid me."
"Why did you want me to avoid you?"
"You know why."
"I want to hear you say it, Joe."
She wasn't going to make this easy for him.
"I didn't want you to know I was a cyborg. It was easier for me to let you think I stayed away two years because I was a 'heartless bastard' –I was afraid to tell you the truth."
"This is the crux of it all, isn't it? Why couldn't you tell me that you were a cyborg, Joe?"
He couldn't speak for a moment. He had to get his voice under control.
"Because they're usually evil and controlled by Galactor? That can't be it, Joe; your parents belonged to Galactor and you… reconciled yourself to that."
"Jun… I didn't become a cyborg in one day. The first three months, I wasn't even conscious, it's a process and… what it all entails, it-"
He was trembling.
"Joe?" She was rising from her bed and coming towards him.
"I can't talk about it, Jun! You just need to know that it was… bad! And it made me feel…"
He opened his eyes; Jun was beside him now, reaching to touch his face-
His own hand flew up with lightning speed –an unconscious response- blocking her arm before she could. She froze.
They were staring at each other, neither moving. He released her arm and turned away, and she stepped back from him.
"I hate this body, Jun. I spend every minute of every day trapped in this!" he gestured at himself, "It's not me! So much of me is gone, and what's there instead… maybe it doesn't look like crutches or a wheelchair, but it makes me feel… like I'm not a man."
He had brought his hands up to shield his face as he spoke, but he'd done it. He'd told Jun the truth, and now he was going to have to turn and face her, and endure what he was certain he would see in her eyes, now and every day that followed.
Pity.
And he looked at her face, her beautiful face, and into her eyes, so clear and deep all the way to her soul…
And what he saw was not pity.
"Take off your clothes, Joe."
"What?"
"Your clothes, Joe. Take them off."
She was utterly serious, and now her lips were pressed together and her jaw was taut.
"What are you trying to-"
"I want to see you, really see you."
She wasn't going to forgive him; she wanted to torment him. Couldn't she understand?
But what the hell did it matter now? Nothing could make any difference to him now.
He pulled his t-shirt off over his head, and bent down to take his shoes and socks off. He straightened to unbuckle his belt. He could tell Jun was looking at him, but he kept his eyes cast down. He unzipped the fly of his jeans and slid them down his legs.
"And your shorts too."
So be it. Off came his shorts; everything was in a crumpled pile on her floor.
But now he could only just stand there; first his apologies, and now this… He had never felt so vulnerable, so exposed in the truest sense of the word. The only things he could hide were his eyes, behind their lids.
The room was totally silent. What was she doing?
That was when he felt it, a whisper of contact, then the touch of fingers sliding up his forearm, along his bicep to his shoulder, lingering in the groove where shoulder met collar bone…
She was touching him, touching the "skin" that didn't burn or freeze, the "muscles" that didn't tire, and the "bones" that didn't break. And he could feel her; she was so close to him, he could feel the warmth from her body, feel her warm breath on his shoulder. Her hand slid softly over his chest, along his ribs and stomach, with her fingers exploring each rib, each muscle. Her other hand was stroking its way up his back, entwining itself in his hair briefly before fingers softly drifted over his cheek, to touch his lips…
He'd been holding his breath, but now it escaped him in a quivering rush. No one had touched him, no one had touched him like this since…
Since that final night with Jun, in his trailer, so long ago now.
And it felt the same as it always had… The tender sensation, the solace of her touch, feeding his yearning for…
Yearning for Jun, for union with her body and her soul, for love –he could remember how that had always made him feel.
How could this be? It couldn't be true.
"You're beautiful, Joe," she whispered, and he could feel her words, the breath that conveyed them, waft over his skin, "You are so beautiful."
No, he was shaking his head slowly.
"Not me," he said, so softly she might not hear.
"But this is you, Joe. I'm touching the man who saved me today, the man who bought me a red dress, the man I fell in love with at the Crescent Base, and you are as beautiful and as real to me now as you were then."
She had enfolded him in arms now, and he could feel the length of her body against his arm and hip. His own arms were still at his sides, and his eyes were still closed. Jun slid herself around to face him, caressing him with the silky fabric of her clothes, the warmth of her body and the touch of her hands. She pressed herself fully against him with sinuous motion, and he felt his own visceral reaction in the rush of blood, the stiffening hunger that was the response of a man to a woman's body, as he embraced her in his own arms. His body was answering hers in the most natural, primal and human way; this was real. He could feel tears in his eyes.
"Look at me, Joe," she whispered, her face so near to his now. He opened his eyes to hers then, and was bathed in their radiance. He saw desire in their shining depths, and he saw love.
"Do you still love me, Joe?"
"Yes."
He wanted to say more; he would have said more, but Jun was kissing him, cradling his face in her hands.
Her soft lips sliding over his… it had been so long since he had tasted her delicious mouth, felt her tongue seek his. He didn't have to use words at all; he could show her how much he still loved her.
Still kissing, he slid his hands beneath her camisole, stroking her back and encircling her waist, savoring the feel of her suppleness and her strength. She moved her own hands from his face to slide her camisole up her body and off, breaking their kiss but revealing her breasts to his now-burning gaze; the flawless delicacy of their white skin and rose nipples, and the way their rounded shape now yielded softly to the press of his fingers as he caressed them, feeling his own body yearn yet more urgently for hers.
With one hand, he found and untied the string that held the last of her clothing in place, and her pants slid down her legs to pool at her feet. She was kissing him again now, more hungrily, and he slid his hands around her body, over the smooth firm cheeks of her bottom, pushing her against him, against his own engorged hardness, so eager for that most intimate union. She pulled her body back from his, but only so she could wrap her fingers around his turgid desire, stroking, making him gasp.
"Joe," she whispered, and released him from her tantalizing grip. They moved as one towards her cot, and then were lying side by side, embracing, legs entwined, their lips dancing together as their fingers ran through each other's hair and over each other's skin.
But he wanted more, and he wanted to give her more. He had gone without her for so, so long and now he wanted to savor everything. He slid down to take one of her tender nipples in his mouth, to suckle gently while his hand moved between the silky skin of her thighs, seeking… So soft, so wet; he gently probed her delicate folds and found that small apex of her womanly desire, and his touch drew moans from her throat as her hands clutched his shoulders.
But he wanted more, and to give her still more. He moved down her body further, replacing the touch of his fingers with the flicker of his tongue and the gentle suction of his lips, relishing the taste and scent of her arousal as cries of passion growing in intensity poured from her mouth and she writhed in yearning, until he felt her body spasm and then release shuddering waves that left her gasping in pleasure.
"Joe…"
She was pulling him up towards her now, kissing him slowly and deeply as she guided him onto his back. He reached for her breasts as she straddled his hips with her legs, rubbing her wetness against him, sending waves of delirious lust through his body.
"Jun…"
He cupped her face with his hands, ending their kiss, but now he could look into her eyes. Her eyes, her whole face, seemed suffused with a beauty that was almost divine in its glow, as she found her ecstasy yet again.
"You're so… you are too good, too good for me, Jun," he whispered.
"No, I'm not," she replied softly, "But I want you, Joe, I love you."
Lithely she moved down his body, before he could respond, sliding her mouth over his now achingly aroused member, taking him deep into her throat. He struggled for control, to prolong the moment, as he watched with bliss-glazed eyes as her lips slid up and down him, building a desperate frenzy within him. Ragged, hungry cries were emanating from his own throat…
But there was another union he craved more than this. He raised himself up, grasping Jun's shoulders, urging her now onto her back. As he moved his body over hers, she encircled him with her legs and guided him into her core. He thrust deeply inside her, gasping at the rush of pleasure that brought him. Again, and again and again… Soft cries of bliss were coming from Jun's mouth. He looked down at her face, joining his gaze to hers, then crushing his lips against hers, breathing her breath, taking and giving as he moved his body with hers, again and again…
He was alive, he was a man, and he was with Jun. There was nothing in the world more than this.
She was trembling, spasming, moaning in delight even as her mouth was joined to his, and then he felt his own body surrender at last to that ultimate cascade of ecstasy and release, as if he were dissolving and flowing into Jun, becoming one with her, never to be separated again.
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They lay entwined together on her small cot for a long time without speaking, just holding each other and feeling each other's hearts beat. Eventually, Jun began to speak softly.
"I never wanted to believe you didn't love me, Joe. But I had nothing to go on…"
"I know; I don't blame you."
"But when you let me climb K-3 with you, and when you stayed with me when I was freezing, when you were holding me… that was when I started to believe again."
"And me too, but I thought that you and Ken were back together and…"
Jun sighed then, and opened her eyes to look at him.
"I should tell you that Ken and I were back together for a while."
"I know. Ken told me, on the flight back to G-Town today."
Now Jun was looking at him curiously.
"He also told me that you still loved me, and that I was being an idiot."
Jun closed her eyes again, and sadness washed over her face. Joe reached for her hand.
"You love him too, Jun. I know that."
"It's true," she whispered, "But I want to be with you. I want to be with the man who is guided by his heart, who can let himself love me even if the world is falling apart."
"Ken has it rough, you know; it isn't easy being Gatchaman."
"I know, I never said it was fair, how I feel, but it is true."
Joe didn't say any more; he just continued to hold her close, savoring what he had denied himself for far too long. He had been away far too long, but now he had finally come home.
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Faint morning sun, tinted blue by the sea, was coming through the window when Joe opened his eyes. For a brief moment, the world was exactly what it had been the day before, but then he remembered…
Jun.
Jun was using his chest as a pillow, her dark hair spread over her face.
He slid her hair aside carefully to see her face.
"Good morning," he whispered.
Her eyes opened and she was startled for a brief second, but then she smiled her most radiant smile.
"Good morning to you too."
Minutes later, he was sitting up, fishing his clothes off the floor, as Jun trailed her fingers up and down his thigh, thoughtfully.
"Joe…" she said nervously, "I know you said you don't want to talk about it, but is there anything I should know… anything that might be… different now? I don't want to do anything wrong…"
He stared at her, feeling a spasm of unease. But then he remembered the passion they had shared during the night, her uninhibited enjoyment of his cyborg body.
Relax, you idiot, he told himself sternly.
"Did I mention that I can make my penis vibrate?"
"Really?" Her eyes had never looked more large.
"No! Not really!"
"You jerk!" And she punched him in the arm.
So he hit her with the pillow, and in the laughter and tussle that ensued, all thoughts of getting up and getting dressed were forgotten as they shared their bodies and their love yet again.
He had never imagined that it could be, but it had become possible. He could be comfortable in his own skin again, even as a cyborg.
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