"JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"
Chapter Three
(In which the diary is aptly named the above)
Lily's diary returns for yet another chapter that was concocted by my sadly mismatched brain.
Disclaimer:I own none of JKR's original characters, my bank account can prove that. I did create Cate, so she is © me, although since she is stupid she doesn't make me any money. Grrrr. She is off to work in a diamond mine somewhere in Africa as soon as she finishes school.
Dedication:To the reviewers, thanks for all your support. Louise Rennison & JKR you are my baby Jesus' thanks for being such inspirations.
Author's Note: So far I think the story has been going along well, as you all seem to like it. So hopefully you'll like this chapter. Happy New Years to everyone!
Did I mention trouble came in furry shorts?
Still September 1st
Still on the Hogwarts Express
11:15
On my way to the Prefect's carriage
I am going to have to work with Potter, all year.
Did I mention Potter?
POTTER, POTTER, POTTER.
POTTER!
I hate him.
A lot.
You may have guessed.
Is it that obvious?
Oh god, I'm at the door.
He's probably here.
No. No.
He'll be playing a prank with Black.
Breathe in.
Hand on doorknob, and turn.
Just the Hufflepuff prefects.
Phew.
Breathe out.
Safe.
For now.
11:17
Inside the Prefect's Carriage
Waiting for Potter
Why didn't Cate come with me?!
Now I'm all alone.
Minus the Hufflepuffs, and the Ravenclaws that just arrived.
Right, Cate.
Where is she?
11:22
Still waiting for Potter
Everyone is here.
Except Potter, of course.
He has to make my life difficult.
That's what he is.
Difficult.
11:27
The miraculous arrival of Potter
"You're late." I didn't bother turning around.
I had a feeling pranking may have had something to do with his 'lack of punctuality'. as McGonagall would say.
He just did that goofy side grin, which made me- I mean other girls go jelloid.
I must remember I am head girl and have a responsibility to do justice.
"Sorry." He said.
Yeah right!
If I bite my tongue any harder I will explode.
But, I may as well abuse my authority, if he can abuse his.
If anyone will order Potter around, it will be ME.
"Sit." I ordered.
He obeyed.
Oooh…Potter could be my slave.
"Sex Slave." Mind-Cate added.
"Shut up!" I told Mind-Cate.
Now onto the meeting.
I shall recap later, I must keep my mind on Potter.
I mean, keep my eyes on Potter.
OH SHUT UP MIND-CATE!
11:43
Freedom
I honestly thought I was going to die.
Without the whole 'marrying Potter' bit.
Just being around him is enough.
But now I will just return to the carriage of the loons.
And pray to baby Jesus that nothing else goes wrong.
11:46
Writing from a toilet cubicle
Did I mention wrong involves furry shorts.
My so-called best friend neglected to tell me that she has bought a cat.
A cat.
For Cate.
Luckily, because it is Cate, the cat will be dead very soon.
And I free from its (very sharp) claws.
It's called Spot.
How original.
Especially since it's striped.
Somehow I think I will be standing on top of a lot of toilets this year.
Sigh.
Two minutes later
It's slightly cross-eyed, much like Cate.
They seem to have the same IQ too.
The pair of them must make me appear much more intelligent by comparison.
Stupid people exist for a reason, and I have discovered it.
I feel like I should be awarded the Nobel Prize.
And carry round a telescope.
And at random moments, put one foot on a rock, and raise the telescope to my eye, to survey the fab-itiness of it all.
But Potter and Black would put ink on the eyepiece.
And I would look stupid.
Well,stupider.
Seconds later
Wait a second…
WHY DOES POTTER APPEAR IN MY DIARY SO MUCH?
One minute later
On second thought, if Potter and Black did give me a black eye, I would have an excuse to kill them.
I can hire Cate's cat to do the job.
He will claw them to bits, and I appear just to be an 'innocent bystander' to a 'terrible accident'.
An 'innocent bystander', without an ounce of guilt.
That is a good plan, I must admit.
Chocolate worthy, too.
I may reward myself with some.
Choco-latté, that is.
Oh god not this fandango again.
I'm too tired.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
After my nap
Cate is in her robes, stroking her furry short-wearing friend, Spot.
It still sounds stupid.
The cat's name, I mean.
Just like when Cate opens her mouth.
"What time is it?" I asked groggily.
"Err…its late." she shrugged, "We're almost there…" she offered, trying to be more helpful.
I stumbled around groggily, grabbing my robes and pulling them over my head.
I must look like crap.
Crap.
I'd better go to the bathroom.
I reached for the door.
Stuff it, I'll do it later.
Not long 'til the Castle of Loons comes into view
I explained to Cate about the diary.
Mainly, because I couldn't deal with her never-ending "What ya doin'?"
So I told her.
She is now insisting I name it.
"What about…mmm…Lily Evans' Diary."
That's lame.
Even for her.
"Oooh!The Life of Lily Evans with Commentary by Cate Andrews! It's brilliant! Pure genius!"
It sounds like something on daytime BBC that my mum would watch.
I am contemplating moving somewhere Cate-free.
That would be: anywhere but here.
Then that furry fool of hers leapt onto my face!
I must look like my eyebrows have grown immensely, and have spread across my face.
Potter then decided to appear, and took his wand from his pants, obviously to either prank us, or blast the furry fool from my face.
Probably both.
Oh dear GottinHimmel!
I can't let him do it.
"JAMESPOTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
"That's a good one Lils!"
Potter was shocked.
I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.
And Cate was in Cateland.
She departed, and then proceeded to pull Spot off my face.
She could have done that earlier.
Waiting desperately for the food to arrive so I can bung some in Cate's mouth and think for a second
The name has stuck.
What kind of normal person names their diary?
What kind of person names their diary?
What kind of anythingnames their diary?
And if they did, I'm sure they wouldn't name it: 'JAMESPOTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!'
Fooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.
Finally.
At the Head's Tower
This is sooo groovy.
I have my own room, all to my self.
Although it's next to Potter's.
I am getting naked mere feet away from him.
That's it.
I'm just going to stay in my uniform 24/7.
There is no rational solution.
Five minutes later
I can't wear my uniform to bed.
It will get creased.
And plus, it will be weird seeing James in his pyjamas, if I don't wear any.
Maybe he will think I sleep in the nuddy-pants.
And then he will tell his friends.
And they will talk about me in the nuddy-pants.
Ew.
Pyjamas it is.
"Nighty night Hogwarts" I said from my bed.
"Night Evans."
I hope he doesn't think I sleep in the nuddy-pa…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
This chapter was particularly fun to write, and I hope you all enjoyed reading it.
I look forward to more reviewers and readers in the New Year.
So, sadly I must leave you.
Happy New Years,
thehiddenauthor