"JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"

Chapter Five

(In which Lily serves her first everdetention, and wishes she could shoot herself the whole way through)

Lily's diary, found and transcribed by thehiddenauthor (who secretly likes to pretend that she is Lily, when in fact she is Cate)

Disclaimer:Fine, the police did make me give back JKR's characters and her money, but they could not take my sense of humour. Or Cate. Or Spot. People pay money for them [the cops to steal. Grumble.

Dedication:To the reviewers, thanks for all your support. Louise Rennison & JKR you are my baby Jesus' thanks for being such inspirations.

Author's Note: To my reviewers: stella luminosa, dumb-ely-dort, bored-2-hyperness, hsmwildcat, dracosbabygrl & ARosalynnJP. Thank you for reviewing chapter four, you guys are the inspiration for this chapter. Hope you like it, no refunds or exchanges.

Contemplating the adoption of multiple cats

Unfortunately still the same crappy day as it was 2 minutes ago.

(i.e September 2nd

Lunch

Shoot me.

I have to spend the rest of the day with the Marauders.

And even my free time.

I hate them.

I hate them as much Sirius Black hates clothed women.

Hahaha.

I'm so funny.

Yet so depressed.

Extremely depressed.

I am just a walking contradiction.

Still at Lunch

I even just contradicted myself then.

I'm actually sitting down!

How can this day get any worse?!

After a Tuna Sandwich

I'll tell you how.

Ancient Runes.

My life is over.

Shoot me again.

Ancient Runes

Cate rambled on about Pandas all of lunch.

Even Peter was more interested in his sandwich.

I don't know where she gets her information from!

Is there a library full of stupid books?

Perhaps it is in Cateland.

We shall never know.

2:43

I must be invisible.

I have asked so many times to be shot, that either everyone else is deaf OR

I am dreaming.

I said to a possible dream-Cate: "Pinch Me."

And she did.

And it hurt.

Which reaffirms my conclusion that my life is over.

Stab me.

2:43 and a half

Actually, no.

Shoot Me.

Several times over if it will help.

1 hour, 42 minutes and 38 seconds until detention

Hopefully if I fall asleep I will be excused from detention.

And therefore, Ja-POTTER- Potter and Black's presence.

Yes, that sounds good.

1 hour, 26 minutes and 12 seconds until detention

My plan is not working.

Surely Big G can not torture me anymore.

1 hour, 12 minutes, and 29 seconds until detention

Oh right, he is making me spend all night cleaning the trophy room with Potter and Black.

1 hour, 6 minutes, 47 seconds until detention

Perhaps it's time to look for a new religion.

One with a less vengeful, more merciful God.

59 minutes, 59 seconds until detention

I don't think such a religion exists.

Poo, bum and merde.

47 minutes and 9 seconds until detention

Perhaps I will just have to accept there is no possibleway that I am going to fall asleep before deten-Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Hopefully well after detention

"Lily?" The large dark figure hovering over me whispered.

"God? Is that you?"

Perhaps I shouldn't have badmouthed him after all.

God (?) chuckled. "I'd like to think so."

Then God ruffled his hair, and I reached over to switch on the light.
POTTER.

I should have known.

Squinting because of the light I asked, "What do you want?"

"I came to get you. It's time for detention."

How nice of him.

Remind me to chop his balls off while he's asleep.

On my way to detention (with Potter who is a self-appointed God)

Potter is just such a good friend isn't he?

Reminding me about detention.

And then there is the whole staring at me.

I am remaining an ice maiden.

I have an immense amount of glaciosity up my sleeve.

And it is a bigsleeve, filled with muchos glaciosity.

Detention

I have been given a toothbrush to scrub the trophy room.

Does Filch have any idea how BIG this room is?

Much bigger than my sleeve of glaciosity, definitely.

Perhaps I can use it as a weapon of torture instead.

Yes, that sounds très bien.

Still in detention

DearGott in Himmel! It's breakfast all over again.

Well, Potter and Black are talking.

Just not to me.

As above

We are all now cleaning the 'Special Award for Services to the School' case.

It is vair, vair boring.

Well, it was until Sirius started a game of '1001 Uses for Toothbrushes'.

Which I have a feeling will end up far from innocent.

And far from finished.

20 uses in

"A toothpaste holder!"

"Sirius the whole point is to come up with different things!"

"I haven't said that yet though!"

"Sirius you said it for number one!"

He mumbled something along the lines of, "Bitch."

I chose to ignore it.

Two seconds later

I am waiting to get really mad at Black.

That way my BANG!Will be really good.

One minute later

I just realised how wrong that sounds.

Ew.

EW.

AndDOUBLE EW.

Just for good measure.

Five minutes later

"Black, that is a really disgusting topic that I do not want to hear ANYTHING about. Got it?"

If his intelligence was anything to go by, the answer is: obviously not.

His topic you ask?

Hogwarts Top 10 Shags.

Lovely, isn't it?

Up to number #6

Just read back to the 'good bang!' part I wrote.

Why, oh, why must my life be so coincidental?!

B&P still discussing #6

I don't think it's occurred to them that I will actually have to see these girls around school.

I will probably start having to wear a blindfold.

Which really wouldn't help my klutziness, at all.

Perhaps I need to find a way to get back at them.

Yes, that is a very bienidea.

Up to #4

I am very unimaginative today.

All I have is recording this conversation, and shoving this toothbrush up their bottoms.

Help me, mind Cate!

Onto #3

Obviously mind Cate is either very busy, or very unimaginative too.

Bugger.

#1

A sensual pretzel?

That is so disgusting.

I know her.

Although, somehow I think she would be disgustingly happy she made number one.

But at least I don't have to listen to them anymore.

I can finally plot in silence.

"Ya know Evans, you could easily make three." Black said, looking up at me seductively.

"Excuse me."

"You could make two if you learnt some new skills from yours truly."

Nowthat is truly DISGUSTING.

"In your dreams Black!" I yelled, pushing past him to the door.

"That's right," he replied a smug smile planted on his face.

We'll see about that.

In the girl's toilets

On top of a toilet (in the most politically correct way, i.e standing on it)

Luckily there is no one in here.

If there was, I don't know if I could have looked them in the eye.

Especially if they were on 'the list'.

I have made up my mind.

I am not going back to detention.

I am never going to listen to a list from Black ever again.

Ten minutes later

I think they've forgotten all about me.

Good.

Now I can sit in this cubicle for the rest of my life.

No NEWTs, no detention, no discussions about 'the list'.

I quite like the sound of that.

Five minutes later

Uh oh.

Footsteps.

I have only seconds to live…

Seconds later

I am now huddled on top of a toilet seat.

When did my life start to comprise of hiding in toilets?

Maybe this is when I fantasise of living with my numerous cats.

Yes, dying alone and such.

Oh god I'm going to die in a toilet cubicle!

Errr…perhaps I should write my will.

The Last Will and Testament of Lily Evans

Petunia gets nothing, and she can't know I died on a toilet seat thinking about multiple feline adoptions-

"Evans! There you are!"

Ah, it's God a.k.a Potter.

"What are you doing in here?" Potter/God asked.

"Contemplating the adoption of multiple cats," I blurted out.

Crap. I should have said something like: 'I was going to the toilet, duh.'

"Okay." He said, "Are you coming back, or would you like to start thinking of names for the multiple cats in question?"

Smart-ass.

"Errr…no it's okay, I'll come." I replied, once again becoming a Lily Tomato.

Back scrubbing trophies with my toothbrush (well, it's actually not mine, because that would be gross, duh.)

I may as well find out boys really think of me, while I have the time (of course).

In a tormentingsort of way.

And I may as well ask Potter.

"Potter?" I asked.

"Yes, Evans."

"Do youthink I'd be good shag?"

Seconds later

Potter is as red as a tomato.

You could say he is a tomato.

A very tall tomato, but a tomato nonetheless.

All he can say is "Ummm…umm…" etc.

And then he turns into a Potter tomato again.

I turned to Sirius who was having a laughing fit on the floor.

All I got between laughs was: "Evans. Classic. James. Haha."

Sirius Black is a loony.

Maybe we should all be shipped off to the loony asylum, where I would have 'INSANE' stamped on my head.

Well, at least they say white goes with everything.

Right?

After the longest detention on record

I am never going to make a list again. Ever.

And it's one of the only things I'm good at.

In my jimjams

Actually I need lists to write down all the ways I will torment Black and Potter.

In bed

Maybe a list will help me go to slee-Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Le week-end

September 3rd

Yes, that's serious what French people call it.

It's much cooler than just 'the weekend'.

Life is so much more interesting when you add 'le' before everything.

Le chair. Le bed. Le Cate.

What?

"What are you doing in my room?"

She was too busy stuffing her mouth to answer me.

Audibly, anyway.

Once she had finished she grabbed me and said, "No diary Lils."

I grumbled: "Fine," before shoving the diary in my pocket.

Teehee.

Beside le lake avec mon amie

"-Sensual pretzel."

"Sensual pretzel?" I paused waiting for her reaction.

"Awesome."

"Ah,notawesome." I reminded her.

Then I told her about the whole 'Sirius offering to give me shagging lessons' fandango.

She just laughed.

"I bet you could use them."

Thank you, Cate for having faith in me.

No problem, mind-Cate answered.

'The list' ranking aside: "Now, how could we possible torture Black and Potter?"

Seeing the mischievous grin plastered on her face, gave me hope that the Big G was actually doing his job.

Hey guys! Sorry about the lack of updates, this week was really busy with birthdays, dinners etc. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Review even if you didn't.

thehiddenauthor