Summary Sawyer and Kate put their concerns about Kates feelings for Jack and Kevin and Sawyers feelings for Kate out on the Table. Definate angst here. But hopefully well worth the wait.
Chapter 4-Making Up is the Best Part
Kate lay in Sawyers arms, after an afternoon of exhaustingly, highly erotic, mind blowing love making. She pulled the cover up on the blanket which protected them from the ocean breeze. Neither one of them sure about what had developed between them now or how to handle it. Sawyer tried his best though with humor to lighten the mood...
"You know as often as we have been....you know... (Kate looked up at him and smiled sheepishly) Well...I keep forgettin about protection...for...it..."
Kate's face fell, and Sawyer feared he had put his foot in his mouth yet again... She looked up at him and shook her head...
"You don't have to worry Sawyer (her voice was sad and she spoke softly) I don't think I can have kids (Sawyer watched her empathetically, and feeling a little sad as well, but mostly because Kate looked so hollow right now, she continued...) I had a pregnancy scare back when I was married...Even the test came out negative, but I went to the doctor not long after just to be sure and he told me I had a tipped uterus, and my chances of conceiving naturally were almost non existent..."
She looked out at the water sadly her head still resting on his chest and he pulled her closer. Sawyer spoke quietly into her hair...
"Don't fret over it Freckles...More fun for us right?"
Kate knew what he was doing and although since she had found out the news, she knew she should have been relieved, with being the kind of person she was, and the kind of life she led...but instead she just felt emptiness there. One more little girl fantasy she could cross off her list.
Forcing a smile for the man she now saw differently that flicker came back and she realized it wouldn't be so bad if Sawyer was here with her, she met his gaze seeing him in this light for the first time, imagining some sort of future here....a future for the first time that included someone besides herself, and she nodded her head looking down, finally giving him an answer...
"Yes more fun for us..."
As intimate and close as they could be while having sex, it was still terrifyingly difficult to voice words about anything, especially something as serious as this and he could feel the heaviness come between them again. Sawyer saw Kate's smile but he could hear sadness in her voice.
They got up and got dressed. Sawyer made a few jokes to lighten the mood bringing a smile to Kate's face.
But not being able to help himself, Sawyer wanted to find out more about this man, Kate's husband...
"So this guy...the one you were married to... (He looked back at her as she slipped her bra back on, Sawyer paused for another moment and finally asked...) Did you love him?"
There was along pause and Kate could feel her heart beating under her hand. She found it curious that Sawyer would ask this question, but also in some strange way, she could understand his motives for asking it. She had after all opened the door to that subject. Finally after what seemed like an eternity she tipped her face up to look at him. His eyes were calm but filled with curiosity as he searched hers with an unspoken vulnerability. Kate could give him nothing but the truth, however. Anything less and he would see right through it. Nodding her head slightly, she finally replied...
"Yes...His name was Kevin, and...I loved him...Or as much as I could..."
Sawyer watched her with interest, a new sadness there, wondering, why she couldn't love him. He thought she was going to say it that day, the first time they made love, in the cages...but she didn't. She just kissed him, maybe to shut him up. Kate could see the wheels turning in his head and she didn't like the look he was giving her...
"He didn't even know my real name...Our marriage lasted several months, but in that time...He never knew what I did...or who I really was..."
Sawyer looked back at Kate sadly. She hated that look, walking over to him, trying to re-establish the connection they had moments before, she nuzzled her face into his shoulder she kissed his neck lightly whispering...
"Not like you?"
He wondered how ridiculous it was to be jealous of a guy he had never even met, but for some reason her was. This jealousy was eating him up inside. First Jack, now this, this Kevin...Who else would she pledge her love to? Would it ever be him?
Kate could feel Sawyers muscles tense underneath her as he asked...
"Why did you leave him then? Or did he leave you?"
She looked up at him now sadly, and a little hurt, wondering why Sawyer was digging like this. Opening old wounds that never really healed, she shook her head answering softly...
"No...I left him... (Kate closed her eyes...) The Marshall was on my tail...Kevin was a cop...I didn't want him to get in trouble... (Her voice was starting to shake) And when I thought I was pregnant...I couldn't take it anymore...I had to get out...I knew I was living a lie and I couldn't do it...."
Sawyer thought this little token of Kate's history would have set his mind at ease but for some reason, all he could hear was Kate running away from a man she loved and a good guy. He was right about the cop thing. She had run away from Jack too apparently. Doing what she did best. Wondering if he was just a safe harbor till the next knight in shining armor rolled into town.
He finished dressing and started to clean up the mess they made. Kate didn't like the glare Sawyer had just cast in her direction and demanded to know what was causing it...
"Sawyer!" She called his name, but he continued to pick up things and put them into the box, not bothering to acknowledge her.
A little louder, "Sawyer!!!" Kate finally stood up after shoving her arms into her tank top, before she dashed over to where Sawyer was picking up pieces from the game. Kate tried to help him but he had gotten most of them shoved back in the box along with a small pile of sand, he tried to shake as much off the board as possible before dumping it back in the box.
Kate just shook her head and put her hand on his arm, her voice a little calmer...
"Sawyer? What just happened? What's wrong?"
He looked back at her coolly meeting her questioning green eyes with his steel blue and simply asked...
"Why did you really choose me Kate?"
Kate looked back at him confused...
"What?"
She wasn't expecting a question like that, but Sawyer just narrowed his eyes responding harshly...
"You heard me Freckles!"
Kate looked back at him hurt for his biting tone when she had no idea what she had done wrong. All she had done was tell him the truth. Searching his eyes for the man she had seen minutes earlier, but he was gone. The walls were back up, and she could see that she had no choice but to entertain Sawyers ridiculous request if she wanted this to end well. Creasing her brow, she replied...
"Sawyer...I..."
Kate swallowed, the words on the tip of her tongue, but it was so hard, she wasn't sure if after this he'd turn on his heel and laugh as she fell on her face. Looking down at her feet in the sand and then back up at his demanding eyes, she pleaded with him to show mercy, but he wouldn't back down and Kate closed her eyes, blinking back up at him, a look of desperation...
"I need you Sawyer..."
For a moment there Sawyer thought she was going to say something else, the words he thought he'd never hear come out of Kate's mouth, but was ultimately disappointed, assuming that she needed him in the same way an alcoholic needed a glass of vodka. He was just a fix to her. How ironic was it now that he the player was finally getting played at his own game. The minute he started to feel more, it was the same cock and bull routine that he had tried with all the women before her. Up until now, he had no idea how much that really hurt.
Looking back at her he shook his head...
"Said yourself that we walk alone Freckles...You...don't need anyone...Neither do I..."
Kate looked up at him confused like he had just cut her. Sawyer paid no attention however and started to head back to the beach. What the hell did he want her to say? She wasn't about to let him see her grovel for his attention. Why the hell was this so hard? Kate thought if it came down to it, she might just have to beat him up to get the message through his thick head how she felt about him, but that might send him mixed signals. Dammit why was this so hard? she thought, agonizingly.
"Sawyer! (She marched up to him as they reached the edge of the beach) Don't you walk away from me! Were not done!"
Sawyer rolled his eyes and glared back at her as he continued to walk...
"Beg to differ with you Sweetheart!"
He kept walking and Kate stopped in her tracks, shouting back at him...
"Is this about Kevin or Jack, James???"
Sawyer stopped and turned around to face her, so now it was James again was it? His eagle eyes tore into her and he walked back towards her, but Kate stood her ground...
"Guess I pick D. None of the above...cause It's about you Kate!"
Then he muttered under his breath...
"Like a damn black widow spider arencha?"
Kate shot him daggers with her eyes, her temper starting to boil, upset that he was judging her...
"Your one to talk Sawyer!"
Sawyer smirked and waved his hand as he started walking again, the edge of their beach in site now. Sawyer replied sarcastically...
"So it's Sawyer again?...I can't remember...So is it Sawyer or James when you're really pissed off at me?"
Kate was angry that he turned his back on her yet again; she didn't know whether she wanted to smack him or jump him...
"Take your pick!" She spat back as she caught up with him walking in line with him. Kate was waiting for another come back from Sawyer when she noticed him pause and gaze down towards the other end of the beach. She followed his gaze and Sawyer finally replied...
"Looks like the Dr. Doolittle and his Nurse Hatchet are back!"
Kate watched as Jack and Juliet were greeted by the other beach goers, confused as to Jacks presence here she was speechless. Not wanting to see Jack again, ever, she grabbed Sawyers arm...
Sawyer looked at her confused and she asked...
"Can I please stay with you Sawyer?"
She looked genuinely afraid and at first Sawyer couldn't understand why. It was odd that she asked him this here and now.
"Thought you needed your sleep Freckles?"
Kate shook her head and tried to force a smile...
"I've had enough sleep Tex..."
But then Sawyer connected the dots realizing she had no interest in sleeping in his tent until after she saw Jack and Juliet. He cocked his head and looked back at her, asking jokingly...
"You tryin to make Saint Jack jealous or somethin?"
However Kate answered a little too quickly and with too much tension...
"No!"
Sawyer didn't buy it. He didn't want to be Kate's cabana boy. Narrowing his eyes, wondering something else as he noticed that Jack was holding Juliet's hand....
"Or are you jealous of her?"
Kate looked back at him alarmed. What possessed him to ask something like that? She just wanted to have little peace even if it was for a day. She wasn't ready to face Jack. Answering him in a harsher tone, she replied...
"No Sawyer...I'm not jealous of anyone...I think your the one who's jealous!"
Sawyer shook his head and smirked, calling her bluff...
"Well if you're not jealous and I'm not jealous, at least as far as I know, we can just go and walk over there together to welcome him home then!"
Kate pulled on his arm as he stepped away...
"No, please don't do that!"
Sawyer was done with the games however, angry that they had come full circle yet again and Kate was obviously still hung up on Jack, he wanted to push her away, and push her hard, tensing up, she finally let go of him. He lashed back....
"Why wouldn't you want me to do that Kate? Cause the only person you care about on this island is you? And your battered self image by havin the hero reject you? How bout I make things easy for ya? You can go and make nice with saint jack, while I distract the blonde, maybe even take her out back...Hell it wouldn't be the first time..."
Kate looked at him like he had just stabbed a knife into her heart....
"Wouldn't be the first time? (She glared back at him on the brink of tears swearing to herself that she wouldn't let him see her cry, but her voice was shaky...)What do you mean by that?"
Although something in her mind told her she already knew the answer...
Sawyer shook his head trying to whitewash his expression so he looked unemotional...
"You never wondered how she got the gun."
Kate's nostrils flared and she looked at Sawyer with blind rage. But Sawyer just stood there coolly...
"Don't you give me that look...How many times have you gone runnin after the Doc? Probably rolled around in the jungle too...(he closed his eyes and looked back at her with his best attempts to not let her know how much this was effecting him, how much it plagued him with jealousy) I know you wish you could hate me Kate...So now you can..."
There was a sniffle and if she didn't get out of there soon she would be a mess, she replied weakly...
"I never slept with Jack!"
He creased his brow suddenly feeling extraordinarily bad for his recent behavior. Wanting to take back his words, but he was afraid if he did, he'd have nothing left. Kate turned away defeated and it broke Sawyers heart not wanting to cause her pain..
"Kate!" Sawyer called softly after her, but Kate just shook her head. She had never hurt quite like this before. It was a new kind of hurt. Not like when Tom broke her young heart as a girl, or when she broke Kevin's, this was a mutual hurt, and she didn't know if/when it would ever stop.
"Kate..." He spoke again, but she just looked down at the ground trying to hold her tears in as long as she could...
"Just let it go Sawyer...I give up...I'm done fighting with you about something you'll never believe!"
Her silent surrender as she walked away from him tore him apart. Sawyer knew now that he had gone too far, and pushed her too hard. The pit in his stomach had come back and taken root and he wondered if it was too late now.
Kate clearly did not want to see him, as he watched her march past the group of people, past Jack and Juliet, into her tent.
Unbeknownst to Sawyer, once Kate was inside, she finally let herself break down. Sobbing uncontrollably, she had never felt more alone in her whole life. The first time here, actually crying because of Sawyer.
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The next couple days were icy at best. Kate would pass Sawyer as he was reading his book, pretending to be immersed in it as he gazed out at the water. She would watch him but as soon as he looked up she quickly turned her head to look in the other direction.
And Sawyer would on occasion pass by Kate while she was chatting with Sun or visiting Claire and Aaron. He tried to keep his distance but he couldn't shake the feeling. The one that pulled him to her, even if it was just to see what she was doing, or how she wore her hair that day.
He went back to his tent, wishing he could just shut the whole world out. Sleep seemed to be his only hope of escape, but even in sleep he dreamed of her. Tossing and turning all night long. He cursed Charlie and Desmond for taking the last of his whiskey. Settling on another can of flat beer he opened it. Sawyer swished it around in his mouth swallowing the smooth cool liquid and then he spotted something on the ground of his tent.
It was shiny, oddly shaped, and small and he bent down to pick it up, a smirk forming between his lips as he realized what it was. Wondering how on earth this toy plane got in his tent, but it was strangely familiar to him. Sawyer knew he had seen this figurine before, but it wasn't a part of his stash. Thinking back, he remembered seeing it before, lying in the sand. But where was it? he asked himself. Think.
And then it came to him. That day, the day before he left on the raft and he exposed Kate because he thought she wanted his spot. It was in her bag. He saw it fall on the ground along side that fake passport.
Minutes later Sawyer was outside Kate's tent. She wasn't inside, but she saw him waiting there looking around and went up to him curious...
"Come to say your sorry Sawyer?"
He was surprised to hear her voice from behind turned to look at her. Instantly regretting his decision to come here so soon. He knew he wasn't ready to see her yet face to face.
She was watching him as he looked at her through saddened eyes. And then he finally shook his head and extended his hand, showing her the small toy plane...
"Found this...Thought you might want it back..."
Kate pursed her lips taking it from him hesitantly. Offering a small "thanks" as she turned it curiously over in her hand and then looked back up at him questioningly.
Sawyer's eyes were on the ground and then he brought them up slowly to meet hers. For the first time Kate noticed how tired he looked. She didn't feel so well herself these last few days.
He didn't get tongue tied often, but with her, it was happening more frequently. Not wanting to leave her, but not knowing what to say, he asked...
"So…how are things?"
Kate creased her brow. If she was honest she would tell him how miserable shed been. It was worse then before because she had this pit in her stomach now and she couldn't run anywhere, but she just looked up at him sadly and stated plainly...
"Fine... (Closing her eyes, she added...) Same old...same old."
'I missed you,' she wanted to say, but she couldn't get the words out.
Sawyer nodded his head feeling her closed-offedness. He swallowed, feeling hot and parched all of the sudden and replied softly...
"That's good"
He met Kate's gaze one more time waiting for her to offer him something, anything, but there was nothing and he slowly turned on his heel, looking back over his shoulder...
"Take care of yourself Freckles..."
Kate watched him confused. She couldn't figure him out half the time. Sending her very mixed signals, but she couldn't help feeling sad, very sad that he was leaving right now, and she called out to him...
"Sawyer wait!"
Sawyer turned back slowly facing her and she asked him...
"Why didn't you come with me when I went to get Jack back, why did you leave without saying goodbye?"
He looked back at her confused...
"You left me without saying goodbye Freckles...And I told you why you're 'save the hero' mission was a bad idea..."
Kate shook her head...
"You didn't tell me why you didn't want to go..."
Sawyer shook his head not wanting her to dig deeper then she already had, but he knew he was already cornered. There was desperation in Kate's eyes. Having little to no choice in the matter, Sawyer decided to answer her question...
"I didn't want to go cause I didn't want to watch you run back to him...Thought if I let you go...At least it was my decision and you'd be free...Free from obligations...free to do what you want..."
His voice was just above a whisper but she heard him, as he voiced his thoughts...
"they always say…if you love them, let them go..."
Kate's eyes fell as she registered everything he was saying and then she raised them to meet his. Her eyes were filled with pain. She knew him inside and out, but sometimes he as so convincing, when he wanted people to think one way or another, when he wanted people to hate him…she almost fell prey this time too. Almost.
She couldn't help but smirk. This was the second time she heard him mention that word, which he claimed to never have felt before. Her eyes were large, searching his, and her voice was soft, all the sudden not caring about anything else...
"You love me Sawyer?"
Sawyer looked bashful, strangely enough when Kate asked him this questions, a small smirk as she saw one small indention and then two and then he met her gaze...
"Its a curse Freckles...but yeah...I do..."
Kate smiled up at him, the pit in her stomach vanquishing, the weight on her shoulders lifting, and it was as if a ray of light was shining down on her. She beamed up at him, her hand stroking his cheek and those killer dimples before she kissed him.
It took Sawyer a little off guard. He was unsure of his new feelings and wary of admitting them to Kate. But ultimately happy that she wasn't mad at him anymore, he kissed her back fully on the lips, realizing they felt most at home with one another when they were intimate.
Sawyer finally realized that it was broad daylight when he broke the kiss to look around, and then Kate wondered what he was looking at. Seeing a few onlookers, they were giving a number of people on the beach quite the show and then Kate broke away.
Sawyer looked sad for a moment casting an uncertain glare out towards the onlookers. Feeling like she was ashamed of him. Kate had stepped into her tent, when the embarrassment kicked in for Sawyer, and then he felt a tug on the back of his denims.
She whispered in his ear once he was inside the darkened tent...
"C'mon Tex...We got a lot of making up to do..."
Sawyer turned around catching a shadow of a smile as one or 2 rays illuminated her perfect breasts.
Sawyer disrobed too and within minutes they were on their knees. Kate had her hands on one of the tent poles as Sawyer pushed into her from behind. They both had gone for 2 days without any sexual release so the buildup was torturous. Once it started they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Kate spread her legs open further as he thrusted from behind bending over she held on to the pole tightly. Whimpering his name as he filled her up from behind. Then Sawyer fell back and Kate turned around, impaling herself on his newly hardened cock. Her slick heat sliding over him tight and wet. Every stroke sending her to another level. And Sawyer had lost all sense of control. Allowing Kate to completely dominate him he ran his hands up her hips, around her waist, finally pinching her nipples as she climaxed over him. Falling over the edge as they both let themselves go completely.
Few people on that area of the beach were unaware of the goings on in Kate's tent. But neither of them cared. Sawyer finally removed all doubt from any questioning minds however, when Kate slid her fingers over his long hard length while he was moving inside her. The pressure she was putting on his shaft and then wrapping around to pull his balls sent him through the roof. Screaming obscenities combined with her name.
And then the release came long and hard. Kate felt the ecstasy take over her body in the same moment as Sawyer and her head fell back. He fell down on top of her and was about to roll over when she pulled him back, liking the weight of him pressed against her, Kate kept her legs wrapped firmly around his hips as they both breathed raggedly into each others hair.
Kate broke the silence...
"Sawyer...I...I..."
Sawyer closed his eyes for a moment, realizing what it was she was trying to say, but instead of watching her struggle through it, he bent over to kiss her on the lips, smiling faintly back at her...
"I know you do Freckles...I know you do..."
Both of them realizing at the moment that the best remedy for their heartache was each other. No substitutes. No exceptions.