"JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"
Chapter Eight
(In which Lily almost fulfils an impressive claim)
Lily's diary, found and transcribed by thehiddenauthor (who secretly likes to pretend that she is Lily, when in fact she is Cate)
Disclaimer: If you don't know JKR's work from mine, you are a dumb, slightly cross-eyed cat called Spot. (By the way Cate is looking for you, and so is Lily, but Lily is worried you are breeding).
Dedication: To the reviewers, thanks for all your support. Louise Rennison & JKR you are my baby Jesus' thanks for being such inspirations. Also to my dearest real life Lily-Bean, love you lots, consider this a belated birthday gift.
Author's Note: Can't believe I haven't been writing this for aaaages! Have missed getting reviews and such, as no reviews makes me Author Nomates.
Thank you to all my reviewers: lady.lily.of.tattisdale, flowerypetal, pirate-princess1, stella luminosa, bored2hyperness, sunshinerosesandDEATH, griffindor-girl12, October Addums, & MudbloodAndProud
Excessively Irrational Monday (or E.I.M for short)
Monday September 5th
Early Morning
It begins again.
One minute later
God, I am depressed.
Two minutes later
Will try and cheer myself up with some insanely groovy dance moves.
After the Disco
Contrary to popular belief, disco dancing does not solve all problems!
Option Two: Breakfast!
Guess? (Cate-speak: Breakfast Table)
As per usual, Cate is down here stuffing her face.
"Lils?" (I'm pretty sure) she asked.
"Oui," I replied, staring at Spot perched atop her head.
In a rare occasion, Cate put down her fork, swallowed her food, and continued: "Lily, the way to combat depression is not by perving on cats or speaking French."
Mon Dieu! How my hand yearns for my forehead.
Still At the Breakfast Table
This orange juice is so good.
So good infact, that I have a sneaking suspicion it is not orange juice at all, but APPLE JUICE IN DISGUISE!
Or perhaps it is just my lack of sleep speaking.
"Is this about le planeth?" Cate asked very loudly, attracting the attention of one nearby marauder who, being the buttinski he is, shovedhis face between mine and Cate's,
"What's this I hear kittykat? Something about a plan?"
"No, we were just talking about how Lils really, really likes you, Si."
She WILL be the death of me.
I swear.
Sirius waggled his eyebrows very suggestively.
"The Plan!" Mind-Lily reminded me.
No Mind-Cate? Perhaps I will be able to act rationally today then.
I shall just continue to concoct my extremely rational-to-the-point-of-boring response…
"How bout screw the plan AND Sirius!" Mind-Cate suggested.
Great.
Another day of being irrational.
Irrational enough to lean forward slightly, pucker my lips and KISS SIRIUS BLACK!
In My Room
OH. MY. GIDDY. GOD.
See how dire this situation is!! Giddy got into the usually line up!!
The possibility of giddy is what got me into this mess in the first place!!
LOOK AT ALL THESE EXCLAMATION MARKS!!
What am I going to do?!
About the Sirius Black thing.
Not the exclamation marks.
One second I am eating breakfast, and the next my life is back to poo, bum and merde.
Still in My Room, and Unlikely to Leave Soon
You know, all I have to do is snog Peter and I will have snogged all of the marauders.
That would be quite an impressive claim.
Pondering…100. PONDERING COMPLETE
And excessively disgusting.
"LILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Cate's voice echoed up the stairs, "LILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
The door burst open, with a BANG! "Whatcha doin'?"
"Considering my future as an old, fat, catlady."
"Awww! Cheer up Lils," Cate answered, wrapping her arm around my shoulders, "The crazy ones are skinny!"
Thanks Cate, I definitely feel like forgetting all of my terrible problems.
Not.
Charms
9:04 am
Ohmygiddygodspyjamapants.
There is only one seat left in this whole classroom.
And guess where it is?
Between Potter and Black of course.
How could you do this to me Jesus?
9:15
Sirius' hand is a disturbing length up my leg.
And by disturbing I mean well above the knee.
9:23
How am I supposed to take notes while I am being felt up by a pervert?!
Clearly, I am doomed to fail.
Not just NEWTs, but life.
Maybe it's time to look for a new religion?
Lunch
You know, this Buddha guy sounds pretty cool.
His religion is all about happiness and stuff.
It's a shame that WWBD doesn't have the same ring to it.
Announcing my news to the gang
(i.e. Cate and whoever else is listening)
"Hear ye, hear ye. I, Lilleth Evaneth am now Budd-eth."
Cate casually replied, "Lilleth, it's only cool if you claim your bigger than Jesus."
I explained my troubles with my ex-homeboy, J. Christ.
"Ahhhhhhhhh…" She answered, and then turned back to the magazine she was reading.
Typico.
No support from my so-called peers.
Muggle Studies
Sandwiched in-between James and Sirius, AGAIN!
"You wish," scoffed Mind-Cate.
"Yeah, totally." I said.
"Miss Evans? You have something to say on the reliability of muggle birth control methods?"
"Errr…yeah, they're actually pretty good. Except when they break, or don't work and all."
The professor raised her eyebrow at me, then continued "As Miss Evans rightly pointed out, Muggle birth control, methods are extremely primitive... blah blah blah."
WHO CARES?
Two minutes later
I think James cares.
Still in Muggle Studies (Unfortunately)
James is looking at me like my nungas are large, vicious guard dogs.
Which they are clearly not.
Sadly, they are more like mosquito-inflicted wounds.
Still in Muggle Studies, with James still staring at me
Maybe he's looking at me because of my knowledge vis-à-vis condoms.
Teehee.
I think I may be a little on the insane side.
On the insane side
James' eyes are wandering more than…err…two wandering things.
Perhaps he has finally realised that Sirius practically has his hand in my intestine.
Hmmm…WWBD?
Dinner
Found myself sitting across from Potter and Black.
Brillopads.
Still at dinner
Cate and Sirius are having the stupidest argument known to man.
Or woman.
Or animal.
Or the world.
And the song/argument goes on…
It has gotten to that point in an argument when everyone has stated their case and all that is left is the back and forth 'Yes/No' bit. This, (unfortunately for anyone with ears) is the point to which Sirius and Cate have reached.
"Is too."
"Is not."
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"IS TOO!"
"IS N-" Sirius started,
"WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP!" Interjected a shouting Remus, making everyone's jaw drop.
Perhaps, he is having a bit of Male PMS.
"Geez, Remus, no need to be so testes"
Ohmygiddygod. I did not just say 'testes' in front of a bunch of 17 year-old boys, and Cate of all people.
I did my annoying little nervous laugh thing, "Hehe, umm…I'm just going to umm…get some… salt."
I reached over blindly for where the salt had been.
Hmm…salt containers are quite hand-shaped these days.
Oh poo, it's James Potter's hand.
Escape of Lily-Tomato
Pronounced ess-ca-pay, for maximum effect.
It's not really said like that but…Oh bugger not this again!
"I…uh…gottago…" I said really quickly, running out of the hall, hair flying wildly.
Must, pant, pant, hide, pant, pant, somewhere, pant.
I can see the light!
The loos
Thank you Buddha Almighty for leading me to this place of sanctuary (even if it does smell like disinfectant); you are so much better than your rival J.Christ, he is merely the pepsi to your coke.
Now, for a quick check in the mirror.
The stall furthest from the door
For very simple reasons:
I look like a panting tomato
This was the only stall with the seat already conveniently down
Why must my life always end up quite literally in the toilet?
I will have to make a list to calm myself down:
THE LIST OF THE NUMEROUS REASONS WHY ME, LILY PO-I, MEAN EVANS' LIFE IS IN THE TOILET
1. NEWTS (and the fact this takes the number one spot)
2. Completely brain-dead so-called best friend
3. Said person's cat
4. Extreme paranoia (eg Do boys think about me in the nuddy-pants? Why does Sirius think I would be good at…ya know? etc. 24/7)
5. Jesus loves everyone but me
6. Even Cate
7. And Sirius
8. And James (Although, hopefully not Petunia. Jesus isn't that blind)
9. The fact I almost wrote Lily Potter instead of Lily Evans which has been my name for almost 17 years now
10. PETUNIA (in general)
11. I have said 'testes' infront of a bunch of 17 year-old boys
12. I will have to see them all if I ever want to eat at the house table again
13. I will have to see James later tonight
14. He may confront me about the whole holding hands thing
15. I am also apparently having a relationship with the biggest ever man-whore, Sirius Black
16. I think I love James Potter. Merde.
Bonjour, chumettes!
Long time no write, eh?
Sorry about all of this time you have spent wasting thinking about how much you wanted to read this chapter.
You may have a virtual cookie to ease your pain.
Hope you liked this chapter, and remember to review (even if you didn't), because an Author Nomates is an Author Sadcakes.
thehiddenauthor