Yar! Stupidity 'pon the high seas!
Chapter 9: Pirates Pirating Pirates
Disclaimer: The FDA has not yet approved this as a form of cancer treatment, so don't expect anything.
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"Yar! We be settin' sail for the Caribbean!" Mario shouted.
"You're finally going to actually try to get gold!?" Ness asked in shock.
"Yar! I jus' be tryin' to see the pretty wildlife! I be hearin' the reefs look beautiful!" Mario shouted.
Ness sighed in sign language. It offended Falco, who stormed off the deck.
"I'm leaving!" Falco cried, walking home.
"Does that mean he's walking on water?" DK asked meaningfully.
Falco was given a religion as his consolation prize... but he still went home.
DK was sad. Without Falco, he had no meaning. He got over it.
"Yar! Set sail!" Mario shouted.
"We already did... five months ago!" Fox said. "We're already in the Caribbean!"
"Yar?" Mario asked.
"Yes," Ness responded.
"Yar!" Mario complemented.
Ness blushed.
The awkward sexual tension was broken by Fox.
"Whoops, sorry 'bout that guys!" Fox said. "But anyway, there's a ship coming up on port side! They bear no flag!"
"Yar! Which side be the port side again?" Mario asked.
Nobody knew.
"We can't fight them if we don't know where they are!" Ness panicked, blushing.
"Wait! I see them! They're right above us sir!!!" Fox screamed.
This would be a good time to mention that Fox was up in the crow's nest of the ship. Actually that was horrible timing. I'm not sure how he was in charge of the navigation while he was up there. I guess he was taking over for Falco, who had quit. It would explain why he's yelling so much.
"Yar! We have them now!" Luigi yarred. He was wearing five eye-patches, fourteen peg-legs, and fifty-seven peg-arms. He was more of a pirate than Mario would ever be. I guess it would also be useful to explain that he's the captain of the ship that's floating above them right now.
"Yar! Get next to them!" Mario shouted. "Show these miserable dogs that we be more pirates than them!"
Fox was in the crow's nest, he couldn't really steer the ship.
DK was a monkey, he couldn't really steer the ship.
Ness was blushing, he couldn't really steer the ship.
Samus rushed in to save the day, missed, and fell into the gunpowder. It exploded on contact and sent her flying like a projectile into the other ship. There was a splat.
"Yar! We be under attack!" Luigi screamed. "Return fire!"
The ship had no way to attack what was under them, so the crew started cutting holes in the bottom of the ship to make room.
Mario grumbled because he had to do everything himself. He went to the steering wheel, and steered his ship next to Luigi's.
"Yar! Tell the crew to ready the canons!" Mario shouted to Ness.
Ness ran below deck to tell everyone. His blushing got the better of him though, and his head exploded before he could warn the crew.
"Yar! Board their ship!" Luigi cried.
"They be tryin' to board us! Nobody boards the... err... what's the name of the ship again!?" Mario tried to be dramatic but failed.
"I think it's the FFS Stealing Money From Innocents, sir!" Fox said, having finally killed the crow and making it down from the crow's nest.
"Yar! Prepare to defend the FFS Stealing Money From Innocents mateys!" Mario shouted.
Mario, Fox, DK, and Kirby (who had been here the whole time, but is vastly less useful as a pirate in comparison to the rest of the crew) prepared to defend, as Luigi's crew set up the planks and ropes to board the ship.
"Yar! Do yer worst!" Mario yelled.
"YAAAAARRRRRR!!!" Luigi cried a battle cry, and a hoard of pirates came up and started crossing the planks.
Meta Knight crossed the plank Fox was guarding. Sonic crossed the plank Kirby was guarding. Lucario crossed the plank DK was guarding, and Luigi crossed the plank Mario was guarding.
Kirby ate Sonic.
DK grabbed Lucario's head, and it fell off.
Luigi lunged forward with his scimitar, but Mario took a step back and easily knocked it to the side. Mario then gave a thrust forward of his own. Luigi tried to back up, but had too many legs and just fell over, back into his ship.
"Yar! Ye be callin' that pirating! Ye be a joke!" Mario taunted.
Fox shot Meta Knight. Everyone looked at him in horror.
"Yar! That be cheatin'!" Mario cried.
"What? Pirates had guns!" Fox defended.
Mario shook his head in disappointment.
Snake jumped up to Fox's plank and pulled out a rocket launcher. "Cheat this!" he cried, launching the deadly projectile.
So Fox did cheat it. He used his deflector shield, and the rocket hit Snake instead. Snake exploded into many pieces and his spleen slapped into Fox's face in a humorous manner.
"Yer such a cheater!" Mario screamed, and kicked Fox off the team. Fox fell off the team, and landed in the water, where he was viciously eaten by plankton.
Diddy Kong started to cross the unguarded plank. Toon Link started to cross Kirby's plank. Pokemon Trainer started to cross DK's plank. Luigi once again started crossing Mario's plank.
Kirby ate Toon Link.
DK grabbed Pokemon Trainer by the head. Pokemon Trainer desperately threw a pokeball in response. DK was caught in the pokeball. Blood oozed out of the pokeball.
Mario lunged at Luigi first this time. He caught Luigi straight in the eye. Unfortunately, due to Luigi having so many eye patches on that one eye, the sword was unable to pierce through. Luigi was knocked back into his ship from the blow, and Mario continued to taunt.
It's then that physics corrected itself, and the ships stopped floating in mid air. They landed in the water with a crash and a splash.
Luigi's ship started to sink because of the holes they had cut in the bottom of their ship earlier.
"Nooo!" Luigi cried. "You haven't seen the last of me!"
The ship sank.
Diddy Kong and Pokemon trainer, who were now on the FFS Stealing Money From Innocents, watched on in horror.
"Yar! Take them captive!" Mario ordered.
Kirby ate Diddy Kong.
Pokemon Trainer caught Kirby in the same pokeball he had caught DK in.
"Yar! Ye be a thorn in me side!" Mario shouted.
Mario stared down Pokemon Trainer, which was very difficult due to him having eye patches on both his eyes.
Pokemon Trainer threw a pokeball, but Mario was ready. He swung his scimitar like a baseball bat, and knocked the pokeball right back at Pokemon Trainer.
Pokemon Trainer was caught in his own pokeball. Blood oozed from the pokeball.
"Yar! Huzzah!" Mario shouted, throwing all the pokeballs overboard.
Plankton viciously ate Mario's ship, killing everyone.
Falco shot himself alone and miserable in a back alley of New York, after being dumped by... you guessed it, Pit.
I'm sorry... for whatever you want to think I'm sorry about.
At least they did something, rather than just floating around dying for no good reason!
Read and please whatever you do don't make overly optimistic statements about Barak Obama. If you do you will be fulfilling a prophecy that will destroy the universe.