A/N: Attention Members of PHFF!! This is a submission for Jude's Wild AU Challenge! Polling will commence on March 18, 2009 and will close at 8pm EST on March 28, 2009. Please read and cast your votes for your favorite Wild AU Fic!!
Enjoy the madness...
"The Book Brawl"
"And now, introducing…Jerry Seinfeld!!!"
"Thank you!! So…what is up with Harry Potter? Is it me or is everyone suddenly running around wearing robes and waving wands? I'm afraid to get on the subway- someone might try to hex me!! I mean, just yesterday some kid with a big pointy hat tried to shove it on my head and sort me into Ravenclaw! Seriously people, this isn't good…it's an unstoppable epidemic. The next thing you know, we'll all be reading and writing Harry Potter fanfiction and shouting expletives like 'Merlin's Pants!' and 'Salazar's Salty Sack!' Something has to be done about this Potter mania, and fast…"
~~~****~~~
Jerry Seinfeld lounged comfortably on his oversized leather couch, his sneaker-clad feet thrown up on the coffee table. He stared blankly at the television, eyes drooping slightly as sleep threatened to take hold of his body. He had just begun to doze off when the door to his apartment flew open and Cosmo Kramer slid inside.
"Jerry!" Kramer boomed as he closed the door and ambled toward the couch. He wore an untucked Hawaiian shirt, high-water khakis, and a pair of black sneakers.
"What is it now, Kramer?" Jerry asked, voice thick with sarcasm.
"I ran into George downstairs…you'll never believe it!" Kramer replied as he gestured his hands wildly, "he's dating Helena Bonham Carter!"
Jerry shot upwards and turned to face his lanky neighbor, who was still gesturing like a madman. "Helena Bonham Carter? The Helena Bonham Carter?"
Kramer nodded frantically. "The one and only," he replied excitedly, "George introduced me to her!!"
"And he said her name was Helena Bonham Carter?" Jerry inquired skeptically.
Kramer frowned and raised a bushy brow. "Well, no…but he did introduce her as Helena!"
Jerry furrowed his brows and pursed is lips. "That doesn't mean that it's Helena Bonham Carter! It could be Helena Bonham…Cotter for all we know."
"Yeah, well, she looked just like her. George said that he was going to bring her to the coffee shop today for dinner, so you can make the call yourself," Kramer replied with a shrug.
So George is dating Helena Bonham Carter…how'd he pull that off?
Jerry raised a brow. "What were they doing?" he wondered aloud.
Kramer smirked. "She's apparently a big Harry Potter fan and George was taking her to buy the newest book," he replied with a snort, "if you ask me, all those Potter fans are nuts."
Jerry nodded in agreement. "I couldn't agree more," he said with a shake of his head, "those Potter freaks are everywhere…and now George is dating one of 'em…"
"Yeah…wait, isn't she in the movie?" Kramer asked curiously, "I mean, doesn't that give her diplomatic immunity or something?"
It was true. Helena Bonham Carter had a part in the new Harry Potter film that would open in just a few months. Jerry shook his head and scoffed loudly.
"Well, isn't that just the pretty pretentious picture," he mocked, "Doesn't the woman already have the script? What the hell does she need the book for? Sheesh…I'll tell ya' Kramer, I've had it up to here with these Potter fanatics. Something has to be done about 'em- they're taking over the city!"
Kramer opened his mouth to reply but was unexpectedly interrupted by a buzzing intercom. Jerry hastened to the small gold box and pushed the button.
"Who is it?" he asked.
"It's me," a haughty, female voice boomed.
"All right," Jerry replied gruffly and pushed the entry button. The intercom buzzed loudly and within minutes, Elaine Benes strode through the door.
"Hey," she greeted them as she shrugged off her overcoat. Throwing it on the nearby countertop, she advanced into the kitchen and began rummaging around in the fridge. "What are you guys up to?"
"Nothing much, just talking about George's new girlfriend," Jerry replied with contention.
Elaine poked her head out from behind the fridge door and raised a brow. "George is dating someone new? Do I know her?"
Jerry and Kramer looked at each other conspiringly.
"You could say that," Kramer replied cryptically.
Elaine emerged from the kitchen with a Lemon Snapple in hand. "Well?" she pressed, "who is it?"
If there was one thing both men knew about Elaine Benes, it was that she hated being left in the dark.
Jerry composed himself and faced her with a resigned expression. "Helena Bonham Carter."
Elaine sniggered as she leaned back against the counter top. "Good one," she replied, raising the bottle in salutation. She took a long pull from her beverage then exhaled, smacking her lips with satisfaction. "Who's he really dating?"
The men looked at each other again. "Helena Bonham Carter…"
Elaine stood up and crossed her arms. "You're joking."
Kramer shook his head and Elaine nearly dropped her Snapple. "George? George Costanza…our George…is dating Helena Bonham Carter?"
Jerry nodded briefly and Elaine launched herself towards him. "GET OUT!" she screamed and pushed him backwards. Jerry stumbled a bit but managed to remain upright. He had learned that surprising Elaine meant enduring these little 'love shoves'.
"I can't believe it! George is dating Helena Bonham Carter?! How'd he pull that off?" she cried in astonishment.
Jerry chuckled. "I was wondering the very same thing."
"When do we meet her?" Elaine exclaimed, still in an obvious state of shock.
"From what I've heard, we're all having dinner together," Jerry replied dully.
Elaine glanced at her watch and huffed. "Dammit, I've gotta go. Peterman wants me to get a copy of the new Harry Potter book. It seems the U.S. Postal Service lost his pre-ordered copy and, being that he was the only person in New York who had snagged a pre-order- he's got a friend at the publishing house- he says he's been cheated out of Nirvana."
"Nirvana?"
"Yeah," Elaine replied, rolling her eyes, "I guess there's some big battle at the end that determines the balance of good and evil and Peterman says by losing his copy, the U.S. Postal Service may have inadvertently threatened the mental well being of an upstanding New York citizen. Personally, I can't understand the fascination with a bunch of underage brats wielding sticks…I mean, he's a wizard, for cryin' out loud…what's so special about that? We've already got the Wizard of Oz, why do we need some little British brat with a disfigured face too?"
Jerry and Kramer nodded in agreement as Elaine grabbed her coat and exited the apartment.
"See, she gets it…why can't anyone else??" Jerry muttered irritably.
Kramer turned around abruptly, a mischievous expression spreading over his face. "Jerry, I've got an idea!"
Jerry immediately took a hesitant step backwards. Kramer's ideas didn't always go as planned and he suddenly felt a bit leery about participating in his wacky machinations.
"I don't know," he said warily, "the last time I teamed up with you I ended up in a pair of cowboy boots on a bus bound for New Jersey."
Kramer sniggered loudly. "Aw, c'mon Jerry, you're not still upset about that, are ya'?"
Jerry harrumphed and shook his head. "What's the plan?" he asked, immediately regretting this decision as Kramer flashed him a crafty smile.
"All right, we know this new book is the 'be all end all', right?" Kramer began pacing the floor, still gesturing like a wild man.
Jerry nodded.
"So, I propose we find out exactly what happens at the end of the book, litter the streets with flyers-"
"Spoiling the end for all the Potter fanatics!" Jerry interrupted excitedly, "Kramer, that's not half bad!!"
Kramer smiled maniacally and crossed his arms. "So, you're in?"
"You're damn right, I'm in!" Jerry replied excitedly, "We'll give those little wand wielding freaks a dose of reality! Now we just need to figure out the end. Hmm…the book was just released, how are we going to our hands on one?"
Kramer screwed up his face in concentration and, after several minutes, he snapped his fingers. "Newman!" he cried.
Jerry wrinkled his nose in disgust. "What about him?"
"He'll know the answer…Newman knows everything about Harry Potter…"
"Doesn't surprise me," Jerry muttered darkly.
~~~****~~~
Elaine Benes leaned stiffly against a table in a New York bookstore and sighed irritably. Her feet ached from standing in a mile long line of Harry Potter fans and she longed to sit down in one of the comfortable chairs just a few feet from where she stood. Her boss, upon his arrival that morning, had immediately requested that she haul herself down to the nearest bookstore and pick him up a copy of the new Harry Potter release. Unbeknownst to either of them, the 'nearest bookstore' carrying a copy was in Chinatown- every other bookstore in Manhattan had sold out earlier that morning. Not that it mattered…regrettably, when J. Peterman made a request, Elaine was expected to complete the task successfully- regardless of extenuating circumstances. Even if those circumstances included an entire island being sold out of Harry Potter books.
To her dismay, it seemed that J. Peterman had jumped on the proverbial bandwagon known as Potter Mania, as had half the damn city. So here she was, waiting impatiently amongst a mob of Potter loving fools. She sighed again and glanced at the figure looming in front of her. She assumed it was a man- she couldn't be too sure- he donned a black cloak with a hood and a bone white mask covered his face. He was staring down at her ominously and she smiled uncomfortably. Turning sideways, she peeked at the person behind her- a young girl wearing a pleated gray skirt, prim button down, and crimson and gold tie. She clutched a smooth stick in her hand. Elaine raised a brow as the girl began waving her wand playfully and calling out strange incantations.
What a bunch of freaks…and what the hell is thatguy wearing??
Several feet away stood a man in a massive periwinkle cloak. He had a major case of Perma-Grin and he kept shoving autographed pictures of himself in the hands of innocent bystanders. Elaine shook her head disparagingly as the man flipped his golden locks and swaggered around haughtily, spinning his cloak out like Zorro the Gay Blade.
And to top it all off, just ahead of him, a small group of girls had suddenly burst into song-
Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,
Teach us something, please,
Whether we be old and bald
Or young with scabby knees,
Our heads could do with filling
With some interesting stuff,
For now they're bare and full of air,
Dead flies and bits of fluff,
So teach us things worth knowing,
Bring back what we've forgot,
Just do your best, we'll do the rest,
And learn until our brains all rot.
The girls erupted in a fit of giggles and Elaine stared at them scathingly, her mouth hanging open in surprise. She just couldn't wrap her head around the idea that these people were that obsessed with fictional characters. It was truly disturbing.
"Elaine?" a familiar voice said suddenly. Jarred from her cynically driven analysis, Elaine turned towards the familiar voice and nearly fell over.
Standing arm in arm were George Costanza and Helena Bonham Carter. Elaine blinked in disbelief and immediately found herself at a loss for words.
George looked at her expectantly but when she didn't reply he cleared his throat. "Uh, Elaine?" he prodded, raising a brow.
"George! Um…hi!" she exclaimed with a self-conscious chuckle, "How are you?"
Her eyes darted between the short, balding man and his gorgeous companion.
George glanced at the woman next to him and smiled triumphantly. "Doing well, this is Helena. Helena, meet Elaine."
Elaine had hardly had time to react before her friend continued. "We're dating," he added smugly, though not without amazement. In fact, Elaine was fairly certain that George was mere seconds from dancing the Hava Nagila.
Elaine stared at Helena Bonham Carter with wide eyes- still completely unable to speak. George let a high-pitched, and rather maniacal, giggle escaped him as he surveyed Elaine's stunned expression.
Shaking her head, she managed to squeak out a few dubious words. "Hi, it's lovely to meet you."
"Likewise," Helena replied, her thick British accent rolling off her pristine lips.
Elaine just stared at her in awe and George shuffled uncomfortably. "So, uh, you're waiting in line for a book, are ya'?" he inquired, his voice small and beseeching.
Elaine narrowed her eyes as the line moved forward. She knew that tone. He wanted something.
"Yeah…Peterman asked me to pick up a copy," she replied evenly, her brows raised in silent challenge.
George noticed her subtle defiance and immediately winced. "Uh, I hate to be pushy Elaine, but, uh…well…"
"Yes?" she pressed, tone strong and daring.
George ran his hands over his scalp and he fidgeted nervously. "Um…"
"The bloke managing the store said we could cut in at the front of the line, seeing as I'm the one looking to buy," Helena interjected coolly. Her expression was just as challenging as Elaine's, though hers was loaded with malice.
Elaine chuckled heartily and bent slightly forward, her hands on her hips. "Oh he did, did he?" she replied with a mocking salute.
"Yes," Helena replied curtly.
"Aren't you in the movie?" Elaine asked, "I mean, uh, wouldn't being in the movie give you a bit of a one up on the rest of us? Why do you need a copy so badly?"
Helena smiled mockingly. "The Publishing House has been hard nosed about sharing anything with anyone."
"So you just assumed you could line jump me because you're rich and famous?"
George chuckled awkwardly and stepped between the two women. "Uh, actually Elaine, I saw you and thought 'why not ask Elaine, she's a friend' so here we are."
"Here you are." It was corporeal sarcasm.
The line moved forward yet again and the three of them with it. The trio found themselves at the front, the book display only a few feet from where they had squared off. Crazy cloak man had just stepped forward to claim his book and, as he moved aside, it was then that Elaine and her British opponent noticed that only a single copy of the highly coveted title was left on the shelf.
The two looked at each other and then back at the book. Suddenly, as if in slow motion, the two women launched themselves at the display case. Helena's hand gripped Elaine's long, raven locks as she inched in ahead of the actress and she screamed as her head was wrenched backwards. Throwing her arm out, she backhanded the Brit and both of them stumbled to the ground. The girl behind them began waving her wand and shouting things like, 'Petrificus Totalus!' and 'Stupefy!' as the women rolled on the floor like a pair of angry Gryffindors fighting over the Boy Who Lived.
Elaine managed to pry her head out of Helena's vice-like grip and she began crawling toward the bookshelf. Suddenly, the mad Brit's foot shot out, thumping Elaine in the stomach. She doubled over, coughing frantically, but managed to keep the actress from overtaking her by grabbing one of her legs as she slithered towards the display.
George and a group of male Harry Potter fans had gathered together to watch the altercation, adoration eminent on each of their faces. The Potter villainous and her muggle opponent rolled around on the ground, their bodies pressed tightly together and the men gave a collective gasp.
"Think they'll do it?!" an older Harry Potter fan in a 'puffy shirt' asked excitedly.
George faced him with a resigned expression. "I know both these women," he said evenly, shaking his head "and the chance that they'll make out is slim to none."
All the men sighed in disappointment. "But there's always the chance of a miracle!!" he exclaimed with eagerness and the men began murmuring excitedly.
Meanwhile, a rather rotund individual in a postal uniform had stepped forward.
Carefully inching his way around the fighting females, he grabbed the book off the display and sniggered elatedly.
George did a double take as he recognized the devious mailman. "Newman?!"
The portly postal worker gave a victorious hoot, winked at George, and dashed towards the check out line- the very last copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows left in Manhattan tucked under his arm.
~~~****~~~
Jerry Seinfeld sat impatiently in his apartment. He had been waiting for Kramer for over three hours and the bumbling fool had yet to rear his mammoth cranium. Jerry sighed and crossed his arms- waiting on people had never been his forte.
Suddenly, the door to his apartment flew open and Elaine, and her shredded ensemble, limped gingerly inside.
Jerry's mouth fell open. "What the hell happened to you?" he asked in astonishment.
Elaine limped past him and flopped down on the couch. "Ouch…"she muttered petulantly. "Well, I met George's new girlfriend."
Jerry furrowed his brows. "George's new girlfriend did…this?"
"Yep," Elaine replied shortly.
"Why?" He was dumbfounded.
Elaine looked at him, a mock smile on her pretty face. "She's a Potter fan and I was at the head of the line."
Jerry frowned. "Is that supposed to mean something to me?"
Elaine rolled her eyes, hissing as she leaned back against the couch. "Let's say that the last Harry Potter book left in Manhattan happened to be at the bookstore I'd been waiting in line at for nearly two hours," she began crossly, "then, let's say, once I finally make my way into the store, I'm approached by George and his infamous little hussy and they proceed to tell me that the manager is allowing them to line jump…me."
Jerry raised a brow. Line jumping and Elaine Benes did not go hand in hand, especially when she was on a mission from Peterman. "So then what happened?"
"Well, once the freak in front of me claimed his book, we noticed that only a single copy was left," Elaine replied derisively.
"Wait," Jerry interrupted, "so you two fought over the last copy of Harry Potter?"
Elaine pursed her lips and nodded. "Yep."
"You got into a catfight with Helena Bonham Carter?" he asked again.
"Yep."
"So, did anything…happen?" Jerry asked wickedly.
Elaine huffed angrily. "No!" she shouted, "Newman came along and snagged the last copy while the rest of the men started making bets on whether we'd make out!"
"And?"
"Jerry…if you're asking whether we made out, I'm going to kill you."
"Elaine…you're dodging the question."
Elaine threw her hands up in aggravation. "No! We did not make out!" she screeched, crossing her arms resentfully. "Sorry to burst your bubble."
Jerry smiled crookedly and sat back on one of his bar stools. "Ah well, we can't have it all," he said with a wry smile.
Elaine rolled her eyes and laid her head against the couch. "Now my biggest problem will be explaining to Peterman why I was unable to get a copy of that damn book."
"You just had a fight with Helena Bonham Carter and the only thing you can think about is the fact that you have to figure out what to tell Peterman?" Jerry exclaimed.
Elaine sat up. "What else would I be thinking about?"
"How about how much those clothes are gonna go for on eBay."
"eBay?" Elaine replied in confusion.
"Hello," Jerry said slowly, "you've got Helena Bonham Cooties all over you. You could make a lot of money with that plum colored pant suit!"
Elaine bit her lip, a thoughtful expression on her face. "I've gotta go!" she exclaimed suddenly and limped quickly towards the door.
Jerry smiled conspiringly. "If it sells, I get ten percent," he called as she scurried down the hall.
Not five minutes later, Kramer sailed into the apartment followed by a nervous Newman clutching a rectangular package.
"Hello, Newman," Jerry stated venomously.
"Hello, Jerry," Newman replied evenly.
Kramer, who either ignored the contempt between the two men or was completely oblivious, looked at Newman and nodded encouragingly. "So, you said you read the book," he pressed frantically, "what happens at the end?"
Newman narrowed his beady, bespectacled eyes. "Why do you two want to know?"
"I don't think that's any of your business," Jerry stated glibly.
Newman smiled with smug indignation. "Well then, I'll just be on my way."
Jerry stepped in front of Newman, quickly trying to think of a valid reason why his chubby neighbor should give up the ending. He realized that Newman might be a big Harry Potter fan, just like the rest of greater New York. If that were the case, telling him their plan would not go over well.
Unfortunately, Kramer was not as sharp as Jerry. "We're going to litter Manhattan with flyers telling everyone the ending!" he exclaimed with a wild chuckle. "It's time we showed those Potter nuts who's boss!"
Newman looked between the two men in a mixture of disgust and disbelief. "You're kidding," he said quietly.
"No! Isn't it great…they won't know what hit them!" Kramer danced a little jig and Jerry covered his face with his hands.
Newman took a step backwards, tightening his grip on the package he carried. "How dare you try to desecrate the sanctity of the relic that is Harry Potter," he cried in outrage.
Kramer immediately stopped dancing and looked at Jerry. They both winced. Apparently, Jerry's suspicions had been dead on. He looked at his chubby neighbor and shot him a small, sardonic smile.
"Look, Newman, you misunderstood…what Kramer meant was-"
"No!" Newman interjected heatedly, "I know what you're up to Seinfeld! You're worse than Lord Voldemort!!"
Who??
"You want to subject thousands of people to dashed hopes and disappointment just because you don't understand the absolute magnificence of a boy and his wand."
Jerry eyed the rectangular package in Newman's arms- it was the exact shape and size of a lengthy novel. Newman held on to the parcel as if his life depended on it, which made Jerry immediately suspicious.
Looking down at his feet in mock shame, Jerry nodded at Newman. "You're right," he said softly, "I should be mortified by my behav- Kramer, grab that package!!"
Newman dodged sideways as an uncoordinated Kramer attempted to grasp at the package in his arms. Jerry, on the other hand, was much quicker and he grabbed the parcel and hurriedly tore the brown packing paper off of the item.
There it was. The very last copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows left on the island of Manhattan.
Jerry lifted the text in the air triumphantly, a smug grin breaking over his face.
His victorious revelation was short lived, however, as Newman knocked into him with excessive force. The two men stumbled backwards as they wrestled over the text, falling against the sill of an open window. As they landed, Jerry lost his grip on the book and it slipped from his hands…and over the edge.
Newman screamed in agony as he watched the text sail toward the ground and, scrambling up off of Jerry, he hastened through the front door in an effort to reclaim his booty.
Kramer, meanwhile, had joined Jerry at the window. The pair eyed the fallen book, anticipating Newman's imminent conquest.
Unfortunately, victory was not in the cards for the portly postal worker. The men looked on as a young girl in a pleated skirt, prim button down and crimson and gold tie skipped towards the fallen tome. Stopping short, she bent down to retrieve it and stared it a moment. Then, looking up towards the heavens, she raised a long, smooth stick into the air and let out an exultant cry.
~~~****~~~
The following day, Jerry found himself in a foul mood. He sat irritably on his couch, mulling over the previous day's events. He and Kramer were no closer to figuring out the ending of the damned Harry Potter book, a fact that really irked the hell out of him. Apparently, they were the only individuals left in the city willing to 'desecrate the sanctity of the relic that is Harry Potter'. No one else was willing to give up any information.
Ridiculous, stick waving freaks…
Out of sheer boredom, he flicked on the television and began surfing the channels. Just as he settled back against the couch the intercom buzzed. He glanced at it and sighed. Getting up, he skulked over to the box. "Hello?"
"It's George," came the gruff reply.
Jerry raised a brow. "Come on up."
A few minutes later, George and Jerry stood facing one another in Jerry's living room.
"So, I heard you got yourself a new girlfriend."
"Talked to Elaine, eh?"
"Yeah…what was deal with, you know, trying to line jump her?" Jerry asked reproachfully.
George gave a great sigh and looked up at the ceiling. "Honestly, it all happened so fast. One minute I was politely asking if we could cut in line and the next the two of them were rolling around on the floor like a couple of Olympic Wrestlers," George replied with a nervous laugh.
Jerry smirked. "That close, huh?"
George returned Jerry's smirk with an impish grin. "We were making wagers on whether they'd…you know…"
"I heard," Jerry said with a chuckle. "Elaine wasn't thrilled."
"Yeah, well, neither was Helena."
"Helena," Jerry stated with a shake of his head, 'Ya know, George, it's pretty low putting your girlfriend before your friend."
George looked at Jerry in surprise. "Are you serious?" he asked, chuckling doubtfully, "because, uh, for just a second there…I thought you might be serious."
Jerry crossed his arms and looked down on George in condemnation.
George shook his head. "Jerry, this is Helena Bonham Carter we're talking about…you know…Helena Bonham Carter!"
Jerry rolled his eyes. "Yes, I know that."
"Well then what's with the criticism?"
Jerry threw up his hands in irritation. "What kind of question is that? This is about your friendship with Elaine."
George scoffed. "Jerry, we both know that there are two situations where choosing your girlfriend over your friend is acceptable. One, if the friend does something to said girlfriend that is so unreasonable, it warrants vengeful betrayal; and, two, if the smoking hot actress you happen to be dating asks you to ditch the witch."
Jerry harrumphed, shaking his head.
"Jerry, you cannot honestly tell me that you'd choose the friend over the actress! Come on! It's the Resplendent Clause…you know you'd betray the friend. I know that you know that you'd betray the friend," George exclaimed in exasperation.
Jerry cocked his head to the side. "The Resplendent Clause?"
George nodded.
"So, you're saying you'd be fine with me betraying you for a smoking, hot actress?" Jerry asked skeptically.
"Absolutely…as long as you fall back on the Resplendent Clause, I'd have nothing to say!"
Jerry looked at his friend doubtfully. "Alright, so I'm dating somebody famous…um, I don't know…Jeanine Garrafalo-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa…Jeanine Garrafalo? No…Jeanine Garrafalo does not fall under the Resplendent Clause. Jeanine Garaffalo falls under the Lucky to Be Funny Clause. If you chose her over me, we'd have problems."
"So you're saying that there are exceptions to the rule?"
"Certain exceptions based on the ratio of a woman's attractiveness to the bond of friendship," George replied sincerely.
Jerry sniggered. "The ratio of a woman's attractiveness to the bond of friendship? Where do you come up with this crap?"
George shrugged. "It's common knowledge…at least in my world"
"That explains it," Jerry replied mordantly. "So, what are you up to?"
"Helena and I wanted to see if you were available for lunch."
"Sure. I assume Elaine is not invited," Jerry asked casually.
George took off his glasses and cleaned them on his shirtsleeve. "Uh, no…sorry. But Kramer is more than welcome to join us."
Jerry nodded. "All right, I'll meet you around noon."
George smiled and turned to leave but halted abruptly as Jerry's door flew open.
Elaine Benes blocked the entryway, her hands on her hips. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the stubby little mutineer."
George sighed loudly. "Elaine, we've had this conversation…I'm sorry but I'm not about to give up my relationship just because you asked."
"Wait," Jerry interjected, "you asked him to end his relationship?"
Elaine strode into the apartment and crossed her arms. "Yep, and the chubby little traitor refused."
George rolled his eyes. "I'm not having this argument with you again…I'll see you at noon, Jerry."
George strolled out of the apartment as Elaine promptly exploded. "What?! You're going to lunch with that disloyal troll?
Jerry shuffled his feet anxiously. "Uh…"
"I don't believe this!" she huffed. "Fine, go…have your little lunch with George and his imposing, British bimbo…see if I care."
"Elaine…," Jerry stated exasperatedly.
Elaine's angry expression faltered slightly. "Just forget it…I'm fine with it."
"Well, just so you know, if you asked, I'd willingly forgo lunch with the imposing British bimbo."
"You would?"
Jerry nodded. "I don't even know Helena Bonham Carter…but from what I hear, she sounds like a hag."
Elaine brightened. "Nah, go on ahead Jerry…I won the battle anyway."
Jerry furrowed his brows. "What battle?"
"Our little catfight yesterday," Elaine replied with a smug smile," I took your advice and put my plum pantsuit up for auction."
"Really? Make any money?" he asked with a sly grin.
"Well, actually, I came across the strangest thing while surfing eBay- a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."
"What's so strange about that?"
"Well, it was up for early auction…meaning, the auction had started before the release date."
Jerry frowned. "Wait, didn't you say that Peterman was the only guy with access to an early copy?"
Elaine nodded complacently and held up a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Jerry's mouth fell open. "Where did you get that?"
"Well, after a night of haggling, I managed to track down the owner of said early copy."
"Really?"
Elaine pursed her lips and leaned back against Jerry's counter. "Yep…seems ol' Newman was the deliveryman for Peterman's pre-ordered copy."
"What?!"
Elaine raised a brow. "And, after discovering the literal gold mine in his possession, he swiped it and claimed it was 'lost in the mail'. Then he auctioned it off on eBay."
Jerry's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "Why that greedy little snake!"
Elaine snickered triumphantly. "It gets better- after you knocked his personal copy out the window, he was forced to keep the auctioned copy for himself. In fact, he had to make a phone call to have the delivery stopped."
Jerry snorted loudly. The things that portly postal worker would do.
"Hey, you mind if I take a look at that?" Jerry asked and pointed to the book in her hand.
Elaine furrowed her brows skeptically. "All right, but don't mess with it or Peterman'll have a fit."
Jerry took the book and began leafing through the pages. Turning to the end, he eventually found what he was looking for. As he began to read, he instinctively frowned. The chapter was thoughtful and exciting and the more he read, the more he was impressed by the sheer excellence of the prose. Suddenly, he realized what a complete idiot he had really been. Had he ever taken the time to read the books, he would have seen why they were so beloved.
Closing the cover, he vowed then and there never to poke fun at the Harry Potter series again…at least not until he had had a chance to read the books first.
~~~****~~~
George Costanza stood outside Monk's Café at exactly twelve o'clock, the infamous Helena on his arm. As he approached, Jerry eyed the unlikely couple with a vast amount of skepticism.
"Jerry!" George cried excitedly.
"George," Jerry replied with a curt nod.
"This is Helena," George said and gestured to his beautiful companion, "Helena, this is Jerry."
Helena stepped forward and extended her hand. "Nice to finally meet you," she said, her black eyes fixed on him ominously.
"Yeah, you too," Jerry replied with unease. He didn't know why, but her wild, black eyes were making him nervous.
"So, George tells me you're friends with Elaine Benes…is this true?" she asked.
Jerry threw a questioning glance at George and cleared his throat. Typically, when meeting a new person, the third degree was not the first thing out of their mouth. "Um, yeah," Jerry replied.
"Perhaps you should re-think that association," she replied coolly, "I belong to a group of very pure, not to mention, very wealthy people and I think both you and George would make a fabulous addition. We can discuss it more over lunch, if you like."
She smirked at the men, a mixture of seduction and aggression dominating her dark features. George smiled dreamily but Jerry took a hesitant step back.
"Uh…"
Helena narrowed her eyes, looking straight over the top of Jerry's head. "What on earth is that gentleman doing up there?" She pointed to the top of a nearby building and the men turned and looked up.
There, at the top of a nearby building, was Cosmo Kramer.
He was moving several garbage bags around on the rooftop and he pulled one of them forward as he perched himself against the side.
"Isn't that Kramer?" George exclaimed.
Jerry shielded his eyes from the midday sun and saw Kramer turn the bag upside down. All at once, hundreds of hot pink leaflets floated through the air. Some were whipped in passing wind currents while others fell directly to the street below. Realization dawned as Jerry watched the flyers descend on the Upper West Side.
Kramer had just desecrated the sanctity of the relic that is Harry Potter.
Jerry suddenly felt very nervous.
"Uh, I think I'll just be on my way," he said abruptly.
"Wait, you're not staying for lunch?"
"Nah, I've gotta go…" Jerry stated hastily, "I'll catch up with you later. Enjoy the Resplendence."
Jerry scurried away, ignoring George's protests. He rounded a nearby corner and smacked directly into a soft body.
"Ooomph!"
"My apologies," a smooth British accent drawled.
Jerry looked up- directly into the face of Alan Rickman.
"Um, uh…no problem," he replied, completely confounded.
"Oi! What the hell is this, a ticker tape parade? I mean, lookit all the papers flyin' everywhere," said a tall, lanky red head as Rickman pulled Jerry up off the ground.
"I'll thank you to shut that relentless mouth of yours," Rickman stated petulantly. The red head immediately fell silent, but not before muttering something to the raven haired boy beside him.
Jerry glanced at the boy and frowned- he wore Lennon like spectacles and donned a lightening bolt shaped scar on his forehead.
Eyes widening in astonishment, Jerry rubbed the back of his head. Perhaps he had hit it when he'd fallen to the ground…it was the only thing that could explain the Harry Potter induced hallucination he was currently suffering.
"You didn't happen to see a malicious looking woman with a short, balding man, did you?" Rickman asked.
Jerry looked up at him in surprise. "You mean George?"
"George? Is that what he's calling himself these days?" Rickman replied with a snort. "Tell me, where is the little rat?"
Jerry opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by a manic shout.
"Molly Weasley?! Molly Weasley?!"
Shooting a distressed look at Rickman, who wore an equally concerned expression, Jerry turned and crept hesitantly toward Broadway. He peered covertly around the corner, the trio of men on his heels.
It was official- Helena Bonham Carter was livid.
"Damn you and your foolish friends! If that ridiculous muggle hadn't littered the streets, I would have remained blissfully ignorant!!" she shouted as she chased George down the street, a brilliant pink flyer in one hand, a long, smooth stick in the other.
Jerry took in the scene, his eyes wide and his mouth, once again, hanging open.
"Great Merlin! There she is…and she's got Pettigrew in her sights!" the Potter look-a-like shouted.
"Crucio!!" Helena Bonham Carter was completely insane. Not 'hand me a Prozac' insane but full on 'lock me up in the mental asylum and don't forget the straight jacket' insane.
"Protego!" Alan Rickman had joined in the theatrics.
Perhaps this was an off Broadway number being played on Broadway.
Helena whirled around as red beam shot from the end of the long, smooth stick in Rickman's hand and, in a scene evocative of a 1950s sci-fi film, it struck the mad British actress and she crumpled to the ground.
Jerry nearly choked. If this was a bit, they had just made Forrey Ackerman damn proud.
George was staring down at Helena Bonham Carter in total awe. "What a loon."
"I'd say that's a bit of the kettle calling the cauldron black, wouldn't you…Wormtail?" Rickman stated sardonically.
Damn, is this guy still in character? He certainly takes his craft seriously…
George frowned up at Rickman. "Eh? Wormtail? What the hell are you talking about?"
Rickman turned towards Jerry and raised a brow. "Once again, I find myself in a rather precarious situation," he stated smoothly, "and although this decision is regrettable, it is entirely necessary."
Jerry looked up at the actor, completely nonplussed.
What is he babbling about?
His confusion segued to alarm as Rickman slowly raised the stick in his hand and pointed it at Jerry.
"Obliviate."
~~~****~~~
Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza sat quietly yet comfortably on Jerry's large leather couch. They stared at the television, eyes slightly glazed with boredom. Jerry picked up the remote and flipped to the news channel.
And it seems that Potter Mania has truly gripped New York, as the release of the last Harry Potter book has sparked a myriad of occurrences. Among them, a full fledged mock duel between a band of Harry Potter look-alikes on 112th Street and Broadway! ABC's Rita Skeet is live on the scene!
But first! An interview with a girl claiming that she received a gift from Merlin himself- a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which fell from the heavens and landed at her feet…
"I'll tell ya', Jerry, these Harry Potter freaks are something else," George stated contemptuously. "Something has to be done about them- they're taking over the whole city!"
Jerry wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Something about this seems familiar."
George stood up from the couch. "Ya' want anything?" he asked, gesturing towards the kitchen.
"Nah, I'm good…so, you do anything good today?"
George hesitated. "Ya' know…I don't really remember."