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Chapter 4: Decision
The trees flew past us as I tore down the driveway, pushing Bella's truck to its limits. As if hurrying to say goodbye to Bella would make it any easier. Just the thought of it made my throat swell.
"Say something," she said desperately trying to break the silence.
"What do you want me to say?" I said irritated, trying to hide it didn't work.
Oh I know that I hate myself for nearly getting you killed. Again! I thought to myself bitterly.
I saw her shrink to the door, further away from. I kicked myself. "Tell me you forgive me." Her voice was quiet, but her words cut me to the core.
"Forgive you? For what?" She couldn't possibly be trying to take responsibility for this appalling situation. Absurd.
"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened," she said.
She was not going to put the blame on herself. That was absurd, how could she think this was remotely her fault. I was the one that dragged her out to my house to celebrate a birthday that she didn't want! Surrounded by ravenous blood thirsty monsters. How could I ever forgive myself.
"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty." If she'd been anywhere else it wouldn't be an issue.
"It's still my fault," she pressed.
Her persistence, made the guilt I feel triple in size. "Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage. If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself." The steering wheel creaked under the stress of my grip, and I barely held myself to restrain from ripping it from the dashboard.
"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" she demanded.
"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I snarled. Mike Newton was alarmingly annoying and arrogant ignorant child. But he was a hell of a lot better for Bella than I was.
"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton! I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."
Would you have me kill you? I thought bitterly. She couldn't see the truth. I was dangerous.
Alice's vision of my Bella with blood-red newborn eyes showed me the awful answer. "Don't be melodramatic, please," I said to her, trying to contain my self-directed anger.
We were close to her house now. I had to say goodbye. I had to calm myself, I couldn't leave on these terms, so much anger.
"Then don't you be ridiculous," she snapped.
I had no response. When the truck came to a stop in front of her house, I continued to stare out the windshield, willing myself to say the words. The words that would rip my heart out. Goodbye, Bella.
But silence was all I could muster.
"Will you stay tonight?" she asked timidly. That small request, stripped me of all the strength I had left. I remained frozen, staring out the window. No I wont. I tried to say but the words would not disobey my heart. My heart betrayed me. "I should go home." and never come back. But I knew I couldn't do that, not now. I wasn't strong enough. Yet.
"For my birthday," she begged, and I knew I'd lost. With just a few words, she destroyed my plan, pulling me closer, pulling herself closer to death. Close to the monster within. I couldn't leave her, not yet. I had to muster the strength somehow. Part of me knew I couldn't, knew I wouldn't be able to.
Part of me rejoiced, yearning to reach out to her and hold her close. The other part of me was ashamed.
In time, I would protect her. I swore. Promised myself and her, that she would no longer be in danger for long. I had to be strong. Find the strength to do what was right.
"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other." The argument was as weak as my resolve. Why couldn't I just say no. I could never deny her of what she wanted. I knew that. Maybe that was why I feared Alice's vision so much. I knew eventually my resolve would diminish. She would rip through my protest and she would eventually win in the end. Win her immortality.
"Okay." she paused. She heard the heat in my voice. "I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." With her good hand she opened the door and jumped down. I didn't move, I couldn't move. I had to be strong. Refuse, say no. suddenly a commercial complain against drugs popped into my head. 'just say no.' Bella was my drug, and I had to just say no.
I saw her turn and awkwardly gather up her presents.
"You don't have to take those," I said, finally looking at her. The contents were not something that she would need after I was gone.
"I want them," she said without thinking.
"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you." And the other one is from me… she'd made it abundantly clear that my gifts were the least desirable thing in her mind.
"I'll live." A half smile crossed her lips as she slammed the door shut. I couldn't argue any further. She had totally control over me. I slightly wished she would just tell me to go, then there would no longer be an issue.
I was out of the truck and standing with Bella.
"Let me carry them, at least," I said in defeat. I sighed to myself, knowing I would not win the fight tonight. I would try again tomorrow. "I'll be in your room."
"Thanks," she said with a brilliant smile.
"Happy Birthday," I said with a sigh. I leaned down, unable to resist. I gently kissed her lips. She strained to stay in contact, pull me closer. I pulled away. I hated myself, my heart betrayed me again, as a smile filled my face. Showing all the love I had for Bella, the love of a lifetime. I ran, knowing I couldn't hold onto that feeling. Knowing, holding on to it. Meant Bella was in danger, she would be at risk, her life would be at risk. I couldn't bare it. But I couldn't bare the thought of leaving her.
I was in her room before she reached the front door.
I sighed, I should have let Carlisle take her home, if I had, I could have been gone by now. I could have ran. Never came back. But could I stay away. I shook it from my head. I had to. I had to run and never come back. Leave Bella forever. If only I had let Carlisle take her, I could have disappeared into the night. With out at trace.
Obviously she would be confused, maybe worried slightly. But she would remember the last time I had ran away. What would she do when I didn't show up for school. When I didn't come for her in the night. Would she wait for me? Expecting me to return. When I didn't return what would she do? Would she try to find me? But where would she look? I slightly thought of Alaska. it's the only place I could think she would go to look. And its the only place I could think of that I could go. At first.
I couldn't do that, I couldn't sneak away. I couldn't be a coward. She deserved better. She deserved peace. She defiantly deserved better than me, better than a monster. Closuer. I couldn't just leave. She needed to be free of me. I had to break the connection make her understand it was for the best. Make her realize this wasn't just a simple goodbye, this good bye was forever. I had to do the impossible.
I heard her coming up the stairs. I knew I would need her, love her, and crace her every day of the rest of eternity. I indulged myself of the memories. Remembering her saying she loved me for the frist time. As she slept. It was a dream, but I knew it was the truth. It had been a dream to me just as much as a dream to her,. I wanted it so much. I realized it was coming to an end. I had to end it. Cut it off before it could get worse. I sighed, wishing the dream would fade from my memory forever. Just as it would fade from hers. Human memories faded in time. Mine however would never fade. It would be as crisp and fresh in my mind as the day it happen.
"What happened to your arm?" Charlie asked.
"I tripped. It's nothing." Bella's ability to lie had not improved, but Charlie was distracted by the TV.
"Bella," he said with a sigh.
"Goodnight, Dad," she said, then rushed up the stairs. I heard her head to the bathroom. I took a deep breath as I looked around her room. I loved her so much – but I was pathetic.
Moments later she swept in, oblivious to my mood.
"Hi," I mumbled.
"Hi," she said, displacing the presents and planting herself in my lap. The heat of her cheek against my chest was electrifying, and I couldn't resist wrapping my arms around her. Again she took control of me, chasing the struggle from my mind.
"Can I open my presents now?"
"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I asked. I couldn't fight any longer tonight. It wasn't worth the effort I was bound to loose. I knew that, so why fight?
"You made me curious." She picked up the package from Carlisle and Esme almost gleefully, and I felt a flicker of happiness.
I took the present from her. "Allow me." There would be no more blood spilled tonight.
I unwrapped the present. Tossing the paper neatly away. I placed the box in her awaiting hands.
"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she said sarcastically. The box opened easily, and Bella lifted the white vouchers out and held them so they would catch the light. She read silently, squinting her eyes, a crease appeared on her forehead. her face relaxing. The sight was stunning. I smiled to myself, making a mental note. To not forget her sweet face. As much as it would hurt, I knew I wouldn't be able to forget her. Ever. Everything about her. The scent of freesia mixed with her strawberry shampoo. Her eyes. Ugh I had to stop.
"We're going to Jacksonville?" she nearly squealed. Shaking me from my silent battle.
"That's the idea." But no, we wouldn't be going.
"I can't believe it. Renée is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day." Her excitement was lovely. I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth – that she'd be going alone. Not today, not on her birthday. "I think I can handle it." So it was only my gifts she rejected out of hand. I frowned. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain." Even now, after so long, so much time with her. I couldn't guess her reactions, she was a mystery to me still. She never did what I expected her to.
"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"
"Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize you were capable of being reasonable." I chuckled lightly
She reached for the last present, I grabbed it. Once unwrapped, I handed her the homemade CD. The silver of the disc glinted in the weak light.
"What is it?" she asked, confusion filled her face.
In answer I grabbed the CD player on her bedside table and slipped the disc in.
I wondered if she would like it. Or find it stupid compared to airline tickers.
I pressed play, and my full attention was on Bella.
The music filled the room, she froze.
I remembered when she'd heard the song for the first time, sitting at my piano. The same expression had painted her face then, and she had been just as speechless. That image was forever marred by the memory of the bright red stain on the carpet next to the instrument.
She rubbed her face. When I realized that it was because tears were welling in her eyes my heart broke. Did she remember the trauma earlier this evening? How I'd carelessly put her in danger.
I glanced at her arm and at the yellow antibiotic stain surrounding the white bandages. The anesthetic must be wearing off – that must be causing her tears. And I keep causing her pain.
"Does your arm hurt?"
"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She pressed her lips tightly together and leaned a little closer to the CD player.
Yet again, another un predictable response from Bella. My love. My music had brought tears to her eyes. She heard the song so many times from me, humming lightly. And yet, this, this small round cd touched her heart. Maybe because she could listen to it when I couldn't play it for her, when I wasn't here. Would she listen to it after I was gone, and cry not of tears of joy and love, but tears of sadness because I had left her. Forever.
Leaving wasn't going to be as easy as disappearing into the dark, I saw that now.
"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here."
"You're right." She touched her bandage gingerly, probably without realizing it.
"How does your arm feel?"
"Just fine," she said, of course.
"I'll get you some Tylenol." I would have to get something strong her for her in the morning from Carlisle it seemed wrong. The thought of it seemed wrong. I saw Bella grimace again, and then nothing else mattered, she was hurt.
"I don't need anything," she whined, but she couldn't hide the pain from me, oh no, not me. Her eyes betrayed her, just like my heart.
When I reached the door she hissed, "Charlie," and I had to smother a laugh.
"He won't catch me." In two of her heartbeats I was back at her side, handing her the pills. Thankfully she didn't argue – her arm must really hurt. This had to be the last time…
"It's late," I said. With the music still playing, I carefully lifted her off the covers and repositioned her under it. Foolishly I lay down next to her. Just one last time, I told myself. She snuggled against me, resting her head on my shoulder and sighing. And I wanted this to last forever. I had to make this last, make it last forever. This would be the last time, the last time I held in her the night, the last time I held my love. Forever.
"Thanks again," she whispered.
After everything that'd happened, she was thankful. "You're welcome."
She fit into me like she was made to be there. She was made for me, made to be with me.
No. It wasn't right, it was selfish. To take this warm, vibrant life and corrupt it with my darkness was the ultimate sin.
Could I leave her?
There was no doubt she loved me, and that my leaving would break her heart. How could that be right? What about my heart?
The CD became silent momentarily, then Esme's song began. I remembered how my mother had accepted Bella unquestioningly into our family. My feelings were her only concern in the beginning how Bella improved my life. But she had come to think of Bella as part of the family. Her well being was as important as any of ours. I just had to hope that Esme and the rest would understand. They would realize this was what was right. Leaving was the only option.
I once told Bella I would hurt myself by leaving if it would keep her safe. Noble words at the time…could I live up to them?
"What are you thinking about?" she asked over the music.
"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually." And how weak I was, knowing the right path but unable to force myself down it.
She tensed beside me. "Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?"
"Yes."
"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again." My frozen heart trembled in response. I shouldn't…
"You're greedy tonight," I said to the both of us.
"Yes, I am but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she said, her voice laced with irritation.
I laughed as she tried to use reverse psychology. It was rather pathetic. But still in a cute beautiful way that was Bella. My mind, my body my heart my lips. My entire being ached to kissed her, wanted to kiss her. I never wanted to stop kissing her. It was the leaving that I didn't want to do. But there wasn't really a choice, I had no other options. I sighed.
"Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do." I put my hand under her chin and drew her to me.
Her mouth was warm, and as always, eager. The heat of her desire met the fire of my thirst, fanned by the sweet taste that permeated me, even through my sealed lips.
The strength was dwindling. I realized sadly this should be the last time I'd kiss her, this had to be the last time. I quickly pulled her closer. Trying to convey to her all the love I had for her. This last embrace, this last passionate kiss. Would be my last good memory of Bella. As her body pressed against mine, my chest tore open, and I learned that heartbreak was not a metaphorical term. My heart ripped open… I couldn't breathe from the depth of the agony, and my eyes tried futilely to tear. No, I couldn't do it… I couldn't go… she was my life.
A small voice in my head, told me the words I needed to have strength. Those three little words cut through me with more pain than anything I had ever felt before. Knowing I now had the strength. 'let her live' I had to let her live.
Somehow I managed to push Bella away. The first piece to break away, and be lost forever. But that piece would be joined soon.
"Sorry, that was out of line."
"I don't mind," she said breathlessly. When her eyes opened, they sparkled with life up at me.
I love you so much, Bella… Those were the words that rested on my tongue, but I banished them. It wasn't fair to encourage her. "Try to sleep, Bella."
"No, I want you to kiss me again." So many reasons to stay…
"You're overestimating my self-control." in more ways than one. More than you know.
"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" She tried to make light of the way she attracted me… literally like a moth to a flame.
I thought for a moment, the burn in my throat, the ache in my heart. .
"It's a tie," I said, smiling in spite of myself. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?" If only I'd been created to love her, rather than destroy her. Fate was cruel.
"Fine." She slid close to me again, draping her injured arm over my shoulder.
The lump in my throat burned with thirst, as it always would. It was reality's calling card.
I had to leave we all had to leave. Only then could Bella be safe from me, from the danger I brought into her life. But how could I?
Unknowingly, she had turned my world upside down. For almost a century, in human years, I had grown old; trapped inside this youthful body and now, it was as though she had dragged me back through time. I was becoming the boy that I had once been, almost eighty years since, and here I was now, existing intellectually as both an experienced man and naïve adolescent as one. Did I regret the effect that she had on me? I was not ashamed to say that I did not. It was selfish of me, completely and utterly so, considering the danger in which I had put her and continued to put her, but for the first time since I was created, I felt truly alive and almost human once more. For all the things that had gone wrong, I could not deny that these few months with her had been the best of my life. However, with the renewal of these human and adolescent feelings and reactions, how could it not claw at my insides knowing that any other male could simply kiss her? A human partner could consider kissing her without sparing a second thought, for as long as he wished. He could hold her during the moment, letting her move against him, allowing them to be physically aware of one another and embrace the pleasurable sensation without worrying about accidental death! No, not for us, for us, that was taking things too far. I had to save her, separate myself from her.
Once more I gazed down at her longingly. Her arm suddenly tightened around me and for the briefest second, I feared that she had sensed my upcoming thoughts. The fingers that clutched at my side relaxed and she mumbled something unintelligible under her breath. My lips twitched involuntarily at the sound, before I forced myself to delve into the thoughts that hovered, waiting to consume me.
She was as much a part of me as my hands, my legs, or my heart. She was my life now. I couldn't deny that. But I also couldn't deny the fact that with me she was always in danger.
I looked down at my peaceful sleeping angel. She shivered against my cold hard body.
Another reason.
I looked down at her bandaged arm.
Yet again another reason.
I am so sorry my love. I said as I stared at her arm. I've caused so much pain.
My heart flickered reminding me that I had protected her, saved her from harm again. My heart pleaded with me, she'll be fine.
This time…
Bella slightly moved, and sighed in her sleep. I took a deep breath, breating in her scent, the burn and ache in my throat was not due to hunger. I knew my path was clear. I needed to get the most out of these last minutes with her.
Carefully I stroked her hair and enjoyed the faint, artificial remnants of strawberries that lingered.
All my decisions had been about what I wanted. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to touch her warm skin. I wanted to kiss her luscious lips. I wanted to give her a birthday party, when she wanted to have nothing to do with it. And I wanted to spend the rest of her life by her side. What I wanted was so wrong. And then there was the greatest evil, the one desire that defined a monster in me even greater than the bloodsucking murderer I was. The image of my Bella as a cold, dead vampire appeared and the self-centered creature I was narrated the image. You could have her forever… my heart sang to me.
No. This demon would not win.
As I held Bella for the final time, I let the full weight of my decision sink in. My presence would not be the only thing that had to be removed from her life; all traces of my cursed world must be eliminated. My family would have to leave too. Only Alice would try to argue she had developed a friendship with Bella that she'd never had with any other human. She clung to the visions she'd had of Bella becoming immortal, but those would change. I didn't look forward to seeing what the future held now.
The lie I'd told myself; the outright lie, that somehow I could make Bella happy had affected them, too. They would be relieved to be free of that obligation.
I had let go. I had to let her go.
With that one thought I was overcome with grief. It was time. Gently I pulled my sleeping Bella as close as possible and buried my face in her hair. Her breathing didn't change, and she tightened her arm around me again.
"I love you so much Bella, please forgive me," I barely whispered.
"Edward," she said, still asleep. The word cut me like a knife, and I shook with a tearless sob. I will never be the same without her. I will never forget her, even if I wanted to I knew I couldn't. I knew this would be hardest thing I have ever had to do. But it was right. The right thing to do. I heard Charlie getting ready to come up the stairs.
"Sleep well, my love," I whispered, but the words faded to nothing on my lips. My chest trembled as I inhaled, and then I loosened my arms. As I slid my arm from in under her fragile body, she rolled away from me. If only she'd release me this easily when she was conscious.
My arms begged to hold her one more time, but I wound them around my own chest instead. The decision was made. I had to start living with it.
I had to give her the chance to find that life she was meant to have.
But I couldn't leave.
Woven into my every thought was the burning desire to take her back in my arms. My whole being craved her closeness, and even this small separation tore at me. How would I be able to leave? But how could I stay?
She started stirring as the sun came up and the clock showed 6:30am. It was time for her to wake.
"Bella, time to wake up," I said softly. This was another last – I wouldn't stay with her tonight. I couldn't, I knew If I did, I would have this battle every night for the rest of her life. The battle to try to leave, but never ever being able to.
"Good morning," she said with a smile. As she tried to roll over.
"Careful, Bella, your stitches…" I said.
"I'll let you get ready for school. See you there." She said rubbing her eyes.
It took all I had to pull myself away from her warmth as I turned and leapt out her window.
My head automatically turned back and I glanced up at her room before turning for home. The first link had been broken.
As I ran I thought of everything all the things I would have to do to make this right, to make her understand. Hell to make my family understand.
If you love some one, you want to protect them. But what if you're the thing they need to be protected from. How do you cope. How to do you face that. Stuck, a cross roads. Leave and save her. But live forever without her. Stay and watch her die. Either way I loose. Either way, I loose the one thing that is most important to me. I had to think about Bella. And what was best for her.
Leaving was the one thing I had to do.
My family. I had to tell my family.
Rosalie wouldn't be a problem. That was the first. She was always a problem. I slightly thanked her for making this just a bit more easy. One less person to convince.
Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper already had 'moved' at least to the town they had. Carlisle would be the one to organize the move. Find a place to go, and find a job there. Esme would follow him anywhere.
Then that left the hardest.
Alice.
I knew the incident last night would have her on high alert. Looking for all possibilities. She would already see this out come. She would know my decision as soon as I had come upon it.
I knew she would be against it. Whole heartedly she would put up a fight. Her friendship
Her love for Bella. Clouded her judgment. She didn't see that this was the right thing to do. This was right. Staying was wrong. Keeping Bella in harms way was wrong.
She was so convined that Bella was meant to become one of us. Irritating.
I came up closer and closer to the house.
I could here them.
"Alice, are you sure? He wants to leave her?" Emmett's voice was high in disbelief he didn't believe I would be able to do it. That made two of us, but I knew I had to.
"Yes, I'm sure. His minds made up, for now."
An image of me climbing the stairs of the porch blinked through her thoughts. 'you're an idiot, you know that? You cant do this Edward, you just cant!' her mind was screaming at me. She knew I was close enough to hear her.
"It's about time." Rosalie was annoyingly cheerful. "Stupid human was nothing but trouble anyway." Rosalie, I just shook my head.
'No, Edward can't he wouldn't do this. He loves her he wouldn't hurt her like this. Poor Bella, this is going to devastate her.' These last thoughts from my mother hurt the most. The hardest part of leaving was the knowledge that Bella would suffer yet again because of me. She would hopefully soon hate me for what the pain Id caused her. I knew that was impossible. Bella didn't hate anyone. She had to move on though, she would move on eventually. Hopefully. Did I really hope that though? No my heart wanted hre to be mine forever. I shook that thought away. Pushing my heart deeper down, not letting it over take me. Breaking it more.
I reached the steps, and the door opened. "Alice," I said, unsurprised by the glare she focused on me.
"This won't work, you know," she jeered, and a crystal clear image of my Bella dressed in a long white gown filled her mind. I was there too, holding her hand, sliding a ring onto my love's slender finger.
"Stop it, Alice, that's just your imagination." She'd seen this vision on and off all summer, because it was a fantasy of mine. I'd once toyed with the idea of proposing to Bella, but never acted on it.
I growled softly in my throat. She would marry some one, one day, but I wouldn't be me. It couldn't be me. Some one human. Mike Newton. I grimaced at the thought. It was someone at least. That future was not mine, not anymore. Nor was it Bellas.
"That's not how its supposed to be!" I hissed. She is not meant for me. She is meant for so much better.
"You can't leave her. You will kill her Edward!"
"How many times has she been close to death. And because of me, because of what we are?" I growled. "This life was not meant for her. She was meant for better!"
"We'll see," she said in an insolent tone. She closed her eyes, concentrating on me. I cringed, afraid of what she would see.
It was exactly what I had feared. I was at school, with Bella. I sighed, how many days would it take for my heart to listen to reason. The scene changed, it was blurry, out of focus. A figure was laying on the ground.
"You're not as sure of yourself as you'd like us to believe," she muttered as I ran passed her
"I assume Alice has told you what I'm planning." I took a breath and turned around and looked at Carlisle.
"Yes. It is your intention to leave Bella. don't you think that's a little bit drastic?" no it wasn't. it was the right choice. To save Bella.
"She never should have been here. I never should have allowed any of this. I never should have let her into our world. It has nearly killed her more times than I'd like to count. I cant have her life in danger any more. With us, with me she's always in danger. Always. I cant have it, I wont allow it. She needs to have a normal human life. Without all this mess. With out us, with out me. Mythological creatures are for story books. Not life." my voice was even, emotionless. I couldn't let it wavier. One small amount and they would see right through me.
"she makes you happy Edward. You cant give that up. She makes you just as happy as you make her. There has to be another way?" Esme's eyes pleaded as she looked at me. It made it hard to swallow. My one hope was there was another way. Any way. My mind wondered to Alice's vision of stone hard cold, dead Bella. I shook that hope away. There was no hope. Not any more.
"No, there is no other way, Esme. It's not fair to Bella to be in constant danger, and it's not fair to you to have to pretend to be something you're not. Its not fair for any of you."
"I still say your stupid Edward. It wont work. You are so tied to her so connected to her you don't even understand! Your not strong enough to leave. I have told you before, I will tell you again. I've seen it Edward. I've seen the way it should be!" she tried to show me Bella dead again, I ignored her. Her persistence on the matter only pushed me further down the road I knew was the right way.
"You saw two futures for Bella Alice! Immortality. Or the grave. Either way she dies. And I wont have it!" I growled.
"you'll come back Edward. If you mange to leave, you'll come back anyway! You cant keep yourself away from her." she doubted my ability, and my need to protect Bella.
"Watch me!" I hissed.
No one said anything, they just stood there, in shock and disbelief. They knew it was no use to argue.
"I cant stand by and watch her be injured and broken because of us. I have to protect her, this is the right thing. Were are the most dangerous thing to her. We are monsters. We should be feared. We should avoid things like this. But I forced you to do something were not meant to do. For that I am sorry." I looked at Alice. She stood arms crossed stiff as a board. For once looking like a stone cold statue. She was angry. I knew I wouldn't be able to convince her. But I also knew she would follow none the less. All I had to do was convince Jasper.
"Jasper? How is he?" I stated calmly. She knew what I was planning and she knew it would work.
Her face changed, she glared at me even more.
"He's fine, he just needs time," she murmured. Her lie didn't fool anyone.
"You should be with him. Maybe you two could get away. Take a vacation before.." I stopped knowing if I brought up a new school year at a new school she would revert back to the argument.
"I'll go after school," she said. "Bella wont let you do this. You must know that. Your stupid to even try. She loves you to much to try. She loves us. She wont let you leave." she spat
"I'd like it if you went now. don't make it harder for her, or Jasper."
"You want us all to leave?" he eyes went wide almost with terror. She would loose her friend. And I would loose my love.
I took a deep breath. "Yes." I whispered.
"Finally!" Rosalie stated bluntly. I kept in a growl. This was hard enough without her rubbing in an I told ya so.
"Rose, calm down," Emmett scolded. "I'm sorry Edward. I know how much you love her. She seemed so right, she fit in with us." he stopped as he saw my face, another piece of my heart chipped away. His mind briefly went to Arizona, he wished I would have just let her change. He stopped suddenly aware of my change in posture. "if you think this is the only way. I'll do it." he said sadly.
"And what about me, Edward? I love her too." Her eyes flashed with betrayal.
"Then you should understand better than anyone how it is only right to leave. She has suffered so much because of us, because of me."
"Your just to stubborn to see the truth Edward. To stubborn to give her what she wants! To make her safe!" she glared at me seeing Bella as her immortal friend and sister. Seeing Bella cold and dead, with me.
I ground my teeth together.
"It's so easy for you to want to take away her humanity something you have no memory of at all!" I snapped. "Bella doesn't realize what she would be giving up. She doesn't know. And neither do you!" I shot back at her, angry now.
"Bella's humanity is not at issue here," he said sternly.
"Our leaving will make her safe," I said through my teeth.
"But I can't even say goodbye?" she whispered, and I frowned, seeing only misery in her face.
"You know that Bella won't let you go, either, Alice. It'll be easier for both of you this way," I said softly.
"I thought you loved her. How can you treat her like this?" she glared.
"I do love her, that's why I can do this."
"its not right." she shouted at me, she was angry now. She ran out past me.
No one said anything to stunned, to hurt to speak.
Carlisle broke the silence first.
"We can leave today, if that is your wish," he said. "If you think this is right."
"I do, and it is. it's the only way." I replied.
He nodded. "How much time?"
"I want time to say goodbye." Like an addict unable to admit their dependency I tried to hide behind excuses to extend my fix.
He frowned. "Are you sure Edward?"
"Positive." my voice cracked a little. He just nodded again.
I walked away, up to my room. I had to get ready, I had to get changed. I had to prepare myself. For the most difficult task I had ever encountered. I was sure, this was going to hurt worse than my transformation. Hurt worse than anything in this entire world. Ever. The most pain anyone or anything has ever had to endure.
I couldn't do this. No I had to do this.
Right and wrong, two simple five letter words. I had thought so much about them the last few days. Was it right for me to keep her for myself? Yes, but it was also wrong to put her life in danger. Selfish creature that I am, I thought of my needs and wants first. In the end it wasn't about my wants and needs it was about Bella and her safety. The vision of my love in mortal danger because of what my family and I were was just too much. It was hard enough when outsiders were a threat to her, but it was unbearable to think that a threat had come from inside my family. A paper cut. It was something so trivial, people get paper cuts all the time but in the presence of my family it turned into a life threatening situation.
I looked down at myself. Mustering the strength to go to Bella… and begin to say goodbye. Only it would be goodbye for the last time.
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I am so not looking forward to this next chapter. Him leaving. God, its going to be so sad. These are the parts I wish I was a vampire. Tearless sobs instead of the real thing lol…
*sigh*
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