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Chapter 5: Once in a lifetime love
If only I'd accepted what Bella said. Give her, her wishes, let her have the quiet birthday she'd wanted, maybe… But no, this would have happened sooner or later. I was lucky that Bella left her disastrous party with only stitches and not a tombstone.
When Bella arrived at school, pulling next to me, the same spot every day, the same as yesterday. Only it wasn't the same. Everything was wrong, everything was different. She looked my direction, I knew she was trying to read my face, read my mood. When her pulse accelerated I was tempted to see what emotion her face displayed, but I looked away. No, her feelings, her thoughts, were not my concern any longer only her safety.
I looked down at her arm. It looked relatively normal. Hidden beneath her clothes.
"How do you feel?" I asked.
"Perfect," she said, nearly spitting the word at me.
We walked to class in silence. As much as I didn't want t have a conversation with her, knowing it would be that much more difficult. Her silence was deafening, much more worse than I could have imagined. She was irritated.
My throat burned worse than ever. Hotter than Hades. A shiver went down my spine. The first time ever in my immortal life I shivered. The silence mad me feel cold. I deserved her silence. I deserved worse than that. I had no intention of breaking the silence between us. Breaking this barrier. This wall.
I still fought against the truth. Fought against what was right. I ached to reach toward her, pull her closer to me and feel her warmth against me. Knowing that a single kiss could dazzle her and end the silence.
Her mood didn't improve all morning. I kept my eyes straight ahead at the teacher. Pretending to listen, or to care.
It went that way the rest of the day.
As I walked her to PE I stopped her before she entered. "here" I said handing her a piece of paper excusing her from gym. It was from Carlisle. She avoided touching my skin as she grabbed it. Was she aware? Did she know I was slowly trying to say goodbye. Slowly trying to cut myself from her life?
The longest conversation we had all day was at lunch. She asked where Alice was. When she heard Alice was gone, she looked guilty almost ashamed. I wanted to put my arm around her, hold her and tell her everything was fine, everything would be ok. I forced myself to have restrain. I knew once my arms were around her, I would never let her go. I had to do the right thing. Let her live her life. A normal human life. With out monsters, with out me.
The last class of the day was hardest, one of the few I didn't share with Bella. I spent the hour trying to make myself compose the words that I would say, the final goodbye. Knowing in my heart, it would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. Saying goodbye to my love. Forever.
When I saw myself walking away from her. A new thought arouse with the agony. What would I do once I left? Where would I go? Where could I go? Far away, I had to go far away. My mind drifted, drifted back to Bella. No matter how far I went, no matter how hard I tried. She would always be the center of my world, constantly calling me back. She would always be my life. I knew, without her, I had no life. She was my life. With out her, I was just empty. I would be empty forever. For the rest of eternity.
Finally the bell rang, ending my torture.
I met Bella outside her class, and we walked quietly to her truck.
She seemed lest angry, but more frustrated.
My mind went back to a vague promise I had made her. My heart clearly was looking for a way out of this pain, a way back to salvation, back to life.
;I'll be right here as long as you need me,; I'd said. Clearly she didn't need me to injure her any longer. She didn't need me to kill her.
She broke the silence as we got to her truck. "You'll come over later tonight?" she asked.
I should know why she wasn't expecting me to follow her home, but I couldn't fathom the reason for the change in her routine. What was she doing this afternoon alone? I scrambled to remember what was special about today, even though it shouldn't matter. "Later?"
"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off." She seemed proud to have caught me unaware.
"Oh," was all I could think of to say. I'd planned on spending the afternoon working at her kitchen table on homework that was a waste of graphite and paper. Then I would leave her before dinner for the night, taking the next step in my extended goodbye. Tonight she would sleep alone.
"So, you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?"
No, I'll see you tomorrow. That's what I should say. What difference was a few hours?
I should say it, I had to say it. The words just say no popped into my head.
I wondered if she could hear the weakness in my reply. "If you want me to."
"I always want you to," she said with such conviction that I had to work to keep my face expressionless.
I'll always want to. "All right then," I replied flatly, and helped her into the truck.
I fought the urge to kiss her good bye. I kissed her on the forehead. I had to do something. Even though I should I was like a junky to his stash.
I went to my car. I closed my eyes, shutting out the world around me. Closing them off. Trying to focus on the task at hand. On the goodbye I knew would surely come, it had to.
I kept my eyes closed, refusing to watch her drive away.
I grabbed my steering wheel and clenched it tightly between my hands. I took a deep breath. If vampires could cry, I knew my car would have been soaked by now. My heart broke in to a few more small pieces. Knowing this was going to end.
I started the car, didn't know where I was driving. Just drove not paying attention to anything around me.
Was there no other way? I had promised her forever. Was it to be just another broken promise? The pile was growing, was it necessary to add another? I knew it was, knew there was no way around this for us. All hope was lost. But I was a monster in more than just the literal sense, and for this reason we could never be together. Only a monster would be so selfish as to put the savior of their life in mortal peril to satisfy their own own brother had attempted to kill her, and if I for one moment had a lapse in self-control, Bella would be gone, gone to a place I could never follow her to. There was no heaven for those of us with no soul. But of course when she finally went there, I would surely follow her into death, the furthest I could follow her to, as soon as I could. A world void of Bella was no world for me.I would no longer put Bella in danger. As I pondered that which was to come, my chest was seized by two fists of granite which wrapped themselves around my chest and squeezed with all their might, crippling me. I had not felt pain like this since… I tried not to remember last spring in Phoenix, when I thought I had lost her forever.I had to leave Bella… How could I do the impossible?Every second was heaven, ever second was hell, but I loved her and she made it worth the constant agony.
She was beautiful in every way possible, from the way she looked to the way in which she loved. Her intellectuality and attitude only attracted me even more, as did my frustrating inability to read her thoughts. She was the most precious thing that existed in this world, in the universe and that would never change. I had lived long enough to know that she was the one that I was meant to love, had always been meant to love. I would love her like no other because unlike all the promises and declarations that humans enjoyed to make to one another, my love for her would be forever.
I loved her enough that the thought of existing without her was too painful to even consider. When I had told her what I had contemplated during the time when I thought that she might have died, she had been furious with me. I had let her have her say, but I had never regretted my thoughts. I could not and would not live in a world where she did not exist. As she had lay recovering in the hospital bed, I had almost found the courage and will to do what was right and naturally, upon waking, she had shattered my determination. It upset me no end to see her so distressed, almost as much as it did knowing that being with me was a danger to her, so I succumbed to her will. If only it were because she wanted me, that at least would have made the sacrifice minutely selfless, but it was because I wanted her too. If I hadn't, I would have ended it there and then. My selfishness had much to answer for. I had wanted what was best for her, but after the ordeal, my feelings were twice as strong, the resistance I had shown while extracting James' venom from her only proving the extent and value in which I held her. The aftermath of the events made me more aware of what I should do and more reluctant to do it. How could I relinquish the one who I loved with every fiber of my being? How could I release my hold on her when her hold on me was so immense, so final and so powerful?
Jaspers attack had changed things dramatically. I had always fooled myself into thinking that I could keep her safe; I had never dreamt that she would be in danger of being attacked by a member of my own family. I did not hold it against my brother. The accident only proved that I had been the one at fault. I had been so careless and thoughtless, that I had overlooked the constant, looming threat that was presented in the form of us. I was always too preoccupied with suppressing my own thirst, knowing that I was the only one that was affected by her so. I never stopped to think about such insignificant things, such as how her endearing accident-prone nature and ludicrously bad luck could lead to a potential feeding frenzy, whilst she was locked in a house full of vampires! How did I feel about her now? Did I love her more than ever? Did I want to protect her more than ever? Yes and yes, but did I love her enough to do what was best for her?…
Could I let her go? Could I walk away and pretend that we had never met? Could I go back to the life that I had tolerated day by day at a snail's pace before she had arrived in this small town? I could walk away. For her sake, I could leave, but I could never forget her and there was no possible way in which I could ever return to my previous state of being, not now, not knowing what I was about to lose. After nearly one hundred years of self-indulgence, this would be my sacrifice, the ultimate sacrifice; so unbearable was the thought, I was unsure how I would cope. I forced my mind to return to her. This was not about me, it was all about her and if my suffering meant that she would be safe, I would take all the pain in the world. Her happiness and safety meant more to me than my own and I would do whatever it took to do what was best for her. I wanted to plan further, if only for the sake of the distraction from the pure agony and loss that lurked around the corner, ready to consume me, but it was impossible.
When I realized that I'd parked at the curb in front of Bella's house, I knew I'd found my distraction. Hunting Victoria could be the one thing that could keep my mind off of Bella. Maybe…
Looking at the tiny house, and the old lace curtains hanging in one window in particular, all other thoughts vanished. I could remember every time I'd scaled the wall and opened the window, entering the only heaven I'd know.
Thankfully Charlie arrived home early, and invited me in. "Bella will be home soon," he said, looking at his watch. "Ya hungry?"
I just shrugged, and followed him into the house.
Charlie was unaware of my turmoil, and pulled out some leftover pizza while we waited for Bella.
Charlie switched on Sports Center and slipped in to quiet concentration on the scores as they were displayed on the screen.
I had known that it was going to be hard, but it was worse than I had imagined. While waiting for her, I went over my plan that was already in motion. Detaching myself from her, setting her free, second by second further and further apart.
The second that I heard the roar of her truck, my resolve began to crumble. She didn't see any of it; I hid it beautifully. It was incredible what a few hours away from her could do to me. I wanted to forget it all and then I scolded myself inwardly for being so weak.
The door hit the side of the house as she entered. "Dad, Edward?" she called, her voice frantic.
"In here," Charlie replied, not responding to her urgency. .
"Hi," she said timidly. I didn't move, I was afraid any movement would crumble my already weak plan.
"Hey, Bella. We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."
"Okay," she said.
I looked at her and smiled, remembering my manners. "I'll be right behind you," I said, then tore my eyes away. Another lie – I wasn't going to leave the chair I was in until I went to the front door.
Bella was just sitting in the kitchen. I hadn't heard the pizza box open, nor had the disgusting smell of pepperoni intensified. Her breathing was labored, and her heart was racing. What was she thinking about?
I crossed and uncrossed my legs, fighting the urge to go to her, and thankfully she calmed. Whatever had bothered her must have resolved itself. She was strong, she would heal. I heard shuffling in the kitchen, and hoped she was finally getting something to eat.
As I settled into the chair again, wishing for the same ability to recover, her pulse jumped again. I tensed, but she rushed up the stairs to her room. I caught a glimpse of her face as she flew by, and determination was all I saw.
The next sounds I heard should have surprised me, but the clicking of the camera was just the sort of unpredictable reaction I'd come to expect from Bella. At least something good was coming from her birthday presents.
I was beginning to worry that I would have to go upstairs to say goodnight to her, when she came down the stairs, much slower than she'd gone up. It was the camera that reappeared first, as Bella snapped another photo.
I didn't react, but she had my full attention. She insisted that I take one of her and her father, and I began to grow suspicious. Bella wasn't one for sentimentality, why this sudden interest in preserving the moment?
Charlie volunteered to take one of the two of us, and I lightly touched her shoulder, posing for the picture. She wrapped her arm tightly around me, and I wondered if she'd learned of my plan to go. Had Alice gone to her at work?
I forced my lips into an empty smile when the camera flashed. Thankfully Charlie put a stop to the photography after that.
She sat next to me, on the floor.
The sight of her on the floor, wrapped in a ball, crushed me. She was so small, so vulnerable, and she was trembling. Why was I putting her through this? "I'd better get home," I said, hoping she'd be relieved.
"See ya," Charlie said absently.
I made my way to my car, while she scrambled to keep up.
"Will you stay?" she asked, but her depressed tone told me which answer she expected.
I silently wished she wanted me to go, but the tone of her voice gave it away.
"Not tonight." Not ever again.
The rain began to fall with my words, providing the tears I couldn't cry.
Bella didn't move, not touching me, she crossed her arms flat over her chest.
She held it all in, all her emotions. She was holding it in, as was I.
I tried not to look at my mirrors as I drove away, but I couldn't help it. Bella stood there in the rain, watching me disappear. My heart ached again, ripping it apart. Crippling me. Would she do the same when I told her I was leaving. Would she just simple stand motionless watching me.
The thought of spending this night alone, without the sound of her heartbeat to comfort me, brought the lump back to my throat. I had not spent a night alone with out her except to hunt.
I took a deep raspy breath.
It had to be this way – she had to be safe…
My heart wrenched within me as I thought of the possibility, the pain twisted my face. It would kill me to leave her. It would kill her if I were to stay. I would not put myself first again. I would not risk her again. I would not be that selfish. If I must die to save her, then so be it. I resigned myself to my fate. My love. She had already saved me, it was my turn now. I longed not to go back to her, to stay forever. I knew the impossibility of such a wish and turned away from the hope that intertwined it. I knew Bella was my once in a lifetime love. I would always remember her. I would long for her for eternity. Our love, would never die.
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