A.N: Thanks to all who have read and reviewed, i just want to put a warning on this chapter (for drug use).

Anyways i hope you all enjoy this chapter.

Quiet Guardian

Chapter 12: Falling apart

It had been 3 days since I had started taking the pills, and I found myself staring back at my reflection, unchanged and familiar. I hated it. I wanted to see results, I wanted to be able to feel something… I needed to feel some sort of pain, it wasn't right that I was feeling nothing, when I know my heart should really be aching… aching for her. I hated it.

It was the forth day that I decided to take two, I had gotten to the point where I couldn't care less, so with no trouble of all I swallowed the second pill. I felt dizzy, then everything started to fade away, as I collapsed onto the ground with a dull thud.

*****

Dear Bella,

Last night I dreamed… yes dreamed. I dreamt of the night Edward left again, but this time you wanted to go with him. You told me you loved him and you know longer loved me. I work up body shaking, and aching in agony. It was Brilliant.

Emmett.

*****

"Emmett?"

I turned around to find Jasper staring at me oddly, "Yeah?"

"What were doing on the floor?"

"Trying to sleep." I laughed it off, but I saw him wince… none of them liked it when I joked about human things.

"Oh ok." He was about to leave when I stopped him.

"Jasper?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry." I wanted to say it, before everything changed as I knew it would, we had gotten close lately and I wanted him to know that I was truly sorry for everything that had happened, and that would. And I think the small frown that appeared on Jasper's forehead; before he walked away, told me that he knew and he too was sorry.

*****

Now that I was sleeping, it was becoming harder to hide, what I was doing from all of them. I had even considered stopping, when Rose had walked in waking me, "Were you snoring?"

"Just feigning sleep Rose." She was to naïve at that point to believe me, to work out what was truly happening, I was thankful for that.

I had stayed up all night, in a coffee store in town just outside forks, flipping over the filled pill bottle in my hand, thinking about how it would be so easy to stop right now. But I couldn't especially when I still was unable to feel anything, about Bella being gone from my life. It was selfish of me to feel nothing, when she had to feel everything. So without hesitation, I opened the bottle and swallowed another two.

I felt the room around me swirl, but at least this time I didn't black out, I guess my body was getting use to it. I looked down at my shaky hands, and realised I needed something… something to drink. So I ordered a scotch and sculled it down in one go, I felt the liquor burn down my throat, and it felt damn good.

I ran all the way back to Bella's house that night, slower then usual, I guess the pills were taking affect more then I had imagined. I needed to see her, I wanted to feel what it was like to be in her presence, I needed to feel that pain, and maybe then I could stop, because maybe then I had been through, what I had put her through. Maybe.

"Bella….Bellllaaaa." I punched my fist loudly on the door, splintering it a bit, I watched as the light turned on inside, and Charlie pushed his way through.

"Emmett, What are you doing here… and are you drunk?" I fell forward a bit, losing my balance, I just needed to see her.

"BELLA!!!!"

I screamed louder, Charlie cringed away from my intoxicated breath. Grabbing me by the arm, it felt wonderful that I could feel it… if only just barely. I nearly fell over myself in attempt to get closer to her, as she appeared confused and ever so beautiful behind Charlie.

"Bella go to bed I have this." I watched as Bella walked forward.

"No it's fine," Charlie didn't seem convince, "Really dad I've got this." Charlie dropped my arm and huffed his way back into the house, and my eyes were once again back on her.

"Emmett, what's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?" I laughed, eventually getting louder, " BELLA, YOUR WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME." I yelled at the last bit, collapsing on the ground laughing. Bella kneeled down beside me brushing back my hair, which had seem to get longer everyday. She frowned and I watched as some tears slipped from behind her eyes…. I waited, and then I felt it… agony. I smiled.

For the first time since Edward came back, I knew why he had been smiling, it was good to feel again. I watched as she stood up, however before she got all the way she stopped leaning in close and whispered, "You left and I will never forgive you." It made my mouth burn and I had to concentrate ever so hard not to cry in front of her. She got up, leaving me there to sit on the grass alone. But before she went back inside she turned around, eyes staring; whenever at me or through, I wasn't sure.

"But I will always love you."

I struggled to climb to my feet after she left, and stumbled off into the woods to pass out, I was in so much pain and I was happy, because after that I couldn't stop… I needed to feel every pain known to man, I deserved it.

*****

Dear Bella,

Addiction, I thought I knew what that meant when I fell in love with you. I was wrong, there so much more to it then that.

Emmett

*****

I was out supposedly hunting, when I came across a diner I looked between it and the woods, before finally coming to the conclusion that I wanted to eat human food more then blood. I went in ordered a 'Slap Joe's breakfast' and shovelled it into my mouth, quickly absorbing the different flavours as I did. I chuckled to myself, as I compared this to blood… it was so much better. After I had finished I payed the waitress, before having to run into the bathroom to chuck it all back up again… my body still wasn't entirely use to it. And I cringe at the burning, rubbing my hand along my throat. I walked over to the basin and let my hands wash out my mouth and splash water on my face. I was shocked to see Jacob standing behind me when I allowed myself to look back up.

"Emmett?"

He seemed a bit confused, must be my longer hair.

"Yeah." I spat it out more harshly then I had attended to.

He seemed taken back immediately, his confusion was soon replaced with anger.

"You know what, never mind."

And with that said, I watched as he stormed out of the bathroom. I once again felt nothing towards, my once best friend, so I shakily struggled to get out my pills, popping 3 this time I collapsed into the sink, with a sickening crack, I smiled as my nose began to bleed and everything around me slowly faded away to be replaced by nothing but pain.

*****

Dear Bella,

You told me one night, to explain to me why I loved being a vampire, when everyone else you knew hated it. I told you then, because it was as close to being a superhero, as I could be. You laughed and joked about that being every boy's dream. Funny thing was, it was mine when I was a little boy and when I was a young man.

When I first heard I had become a vampire, I feared I had been made into a villain, only to find out a villain wasn't what you are, it was who you are. And I was fully prepared never to become that.

I don't think Edward ever told you the first month of being a vampire, I went out bought a cape, fully prepared to go out and do good. It was then Carlisle told me everything, and basically I could never reveal to anyone what I was… even if that meant saving someone. It angered me at first, what was the point in being what we are, if we can't even use our abilities to help people.

I went home last night, and got out my cape wrapping it around my shoulders I climbed up to the roof and just sat there thinking. I was interrupted by a harsh wind blowing by causing me to lean into my cape for warmth… I was cold.

I use to love being a vampire and a small part of me always will, but for now I have to forget all that and I have to do it for you.

Bella it's all for you. I don't want you to have to feel this all alone anymore.

So maybe the small part of me that is still vampire, did something good… it gave itself up for you.

Emmett

*****

They all knew now, it had been two weeks and I had even once passed out in front of them from exhaustion. I walked in on Esme crying one day, I didn't know what to do… all I knew was I needed my pills, I needed to feel pain for what I was doing to Esme. I barely made it to my room ripping open the bottle; some pills falling onto the ground, I fell to ground desperately finding them and shoving them in my mouth.

One, two, four (it couldn't hurt to have one more), six.

I fell back against the floor and stared up at the ceiling, waiting for it to begin and as always I felt my body tremble as I allowed myself to hold back my cries (it hurt more when I fought against them). My body ached from every inch. It was everything I deserved.

"Emmett?" The voice had awoken me, and as my blurry eyes search for who had spoken, I could see it was now dark out, I Must have been out for awhile. Then finally I saw her, standing in the corner of my room, Bella's letters pooled around her; had I really wrote that many, "You still love her."

It was like a surge of energy had ripped through me as I stood up and raced across the room, putting both my hands forcibly on her shoulders and slamming her into the wall. She cringed against my weight, I was much stronger then her.

"That's none of your business Alice."

"Dear Bella, It's been a full minute since I last wrote to you, but I realised how I never said that I love you, I need to write it down… because I never be able to say it again. I love you…" I trembled as she began to read one of the letters, where were they? I needed them.

I felt around my empty pocket, before turning frantically around my room, "WHERE DID YOU PUT THEM." I smashed her harder into the wall.

"There gone." I heard her choke out. She was scared and I couldn't care less all that mattered was they were gone. "You don't need them Em."

"I do, I do… and now there gone… gone." I could barely repeat it again. The letters were the last thing on my mind, all that mattered was them, and how I needed them now. With one last look I tried to speed off, fully realizing I couldn't run like that anymore, so I ran down to my jeep instead, thrusting into gear and driving down the road.

It felt like forever before I reached him, not even caring to knock I stormed in and found him where I left him in the that rocking chair. "I need more."

He didn't say anything, and it was beginning to make me angrier, he would just rock back and forth still sucking on his cigarette, and laugh (that sickening laugh). "I don't make them anymore."

I stood there numb, what no he couldn't …. I needed them. After what I had just done to Alice, I deserved to feel the pain they brought me. "Well start making them again."

"I can't do that."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T." I crossed the room in a matter of seconds ripping him out of his chair. He stayed ever so calm, which just made me angrier. However before I got out, any other words I was yanked out of the room, by two rather large vampires.

"This guy bothering you Mac?"

"Just show him the door Vlad."

I was once again picked up by them and thrown outside. I just laid there in the street, not caring if a car was to come around the corner and smash into me. And that's when I smiled, I remembered it… I remembered him, Alex.

I had been staring at the bottle for so many weeks, the number of course had just sunk in. Pulling out my cell, I pushed in the numbers and waited.

"Hello?"

And there it was hope.

"Hi my name is Emmett, Mac told me you were on the same stuff as me."

"Ahh so he to has told you his stopped making it, bastard."

"Yeah well, I was just wandering if you had any to spare… I mean I'd pay you." I was willing to give up everything to feel again.

"Better, I learnt how to make it too." I smiled and jumped back into my jeep.

"Where can I meet you?"

"Come to my place it's in Seattle, tower hotel, room 1123." I hanged up, without even saying goodbye, I knew he wouldn't care, as I yanked my jeep into gear and tore down the road.

It only took me about ten minutes to reach the hotel, and another five to get up to the room, I knocked once and twice… no answer, where was he? Then there it was an unlocking of locks and an opening of a door.

"Emmett right?" A guy roughly around the same age, my body looked 18 or 19 answered the door, black shaggy hair covering falling in front of his eyes, he pushed it back.

"Yeah." He let me through, and I closed the door behind me, and nearly fainted from the amount of pills he had lying on his coffee table.

"Here." He chucked me a bottle, which I dropped but picked up immediately. "You probably finish that one tonight, so it's on the house… but next one is 200 a bottle." I nodded it didn't matter I had heaps of money. "Here Em, come sit down." I walked over, already pouring 5 pills into my mouth.

"So why you all for the pain Em?"

"I did it, so Bella doesn't have to feel it alone anymore." I knew at once he understood what I meant, getting up to pull something out from behind the couch. It look very similar to what heroin addicts use to inject themselves.

"Yeah, well I killed my wife… human you see." I nodded and cringe at the thought of ever hurting Bella physically. "He try this, by now your skin is soft enough, to inject things into." I looked down at the needle unsure. "Look if you want to feel all the pain you can, insert this… its vampire venom… not enough to turn you… but enough to burn you for at least an hour. You said you were doing this for her, well here take it." I hesitantly picked up the needle, closing my eyes as I pushed it into my skin, it stung and as I began to push the venom into my body… I felt it… the burning and I sunk to the ground in agony. Alex soon followed and we jerked around on the floor in sync for at least an hour. For once I felt I had finally been through what I put Bella through, now I would just have to do this everyday, for the rest of my life and maybe just maybe we be even.

It ended sooner then I would have liked, and I found myself turning to Alex, "That was."

"I know."

"Thankyou."

"No Emmett thankyou."

*****

Dear Bella,

It was after my night with Alex, that I went home and had sex with Rose. It doesn't matter that I don't love her anymore… it's not like I feel pleasure from it anyway. But it does make the next time I inject myself burn more. I guess it's the first time since she had come back… that I was thankful.

I stay up all night, after the burning finishes, or sometimes before (it makes it hurt more that way) telling Alex about how I love you and how much I've hurt you. Alex tells me about his wife (also human) and how much he loved her, and how much he wishes he could do things differently and if he had just remembered to pick up the milk, they wouldn't have had to go through that set of lights and that drunk driver wouldn't have hit him. They doctors, forgot about his wife the moment they pulled her out of the car, she was dead, and he hunted down every single doctor and before killing them he whispered to them, "Is this what you call a miracle." It seemed like something Edward would have said. It burned so much more that night.

Bella I'm afraid that after tonight, I weren't be quite myself. So I want to finish this last letter with two last things.

I love you.

And goodbye.

Emmett

*****

I finished scribbling down the last letter, as I watched Jake curled up beside Bella on the couch. I knew that I would be taking more tonight then I needed to. Alex didn't even need to ask when he saw me enter… pulling out twice as much as we normally used… I saw then the wedding video playing in the background, and the rings on the coffee table.

"Anniversary."

It said everything and together we injected ourselves, with all that was left of us and smiled as the blackness and pain consumed us.

A.N: Ok well that's it for chapter 12, i hoped you enjoyed this chapter... it took me awhile to write how i thought Emmett would be dealing with this new turn of events, i hope i did it all in character.

Next chapter will be up soon and then shortly after that, they all be off to Yale... chaos assure.

-Katie