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Chapter 6: Goodbye
Today was the day I would say good bye to Bella. I could do this, I had to do this. Right? Yes it was the difference between right and wrong. She would move on, her life would be full of love and warmth. She would find some one else. Some one better. I slowly continued this build myself up, convincing myself that this was what was right. I would ask her to meet me at her house after school and I would tell her. Then I would leave forever. The thought was almost impossible to believe.
Today was the last day – the last day I would see her, the last day of what I could call my life. But she would live a much longer, much happier life, without me. Any pain I suffered would be easy payment if she could live the human life she deserved.
I had to make this happen it was time to say goodbye. i had no choice. This was the right thing. This was what was best for Bella. My family was already gone, some with a bit of a fight. Alice was not happy with me, she thought I was being foolish, she thought this wasn't going to work. She saw this wasn't going to work. But I had to prove her wrong, I had to stay strong, for Bella. This was no longer about what I wanted. This was about what Bella needed. She needed to be safe, she needed to be pushed out of my world. She was never meant for my world, never meant for the danger. She was meant for better.
I didn't know how long this would take. I could spend all afternoon trying to convince her that I didn't love her. She may never believe me. I had to make her believe me.
It was almost a relief to have to sit here and wait for her to arrive at school. Her truck pulled up, and I couldn't hide my first reaction. I smiled at the thought of her arrival,
Waiting for her magnificent scent to hit me. Anticipating the angelic face of my love. No, I had succeeded in separating myself from her more and more over the last few days. Today was the last day. I couldn't think this way, I couldn't indulge in these thoughts, not today. Today was goodbye. Today had to be goodbye. I looked down, I had to look away. Calm myself. Ready myself for this.
When I looked up my eyes were empty again. Bella came around to my car, her face was empty also. She could feel the coming change, I could tell, but she was fighting it, she was denying it. Part of me wanted her to resist, to keep me from leaving, but I carefully locked those selfish thoughts away. She deserved better than this, better than me.
"Good Morning," Bella said without feeling. As I lifted her backpack off her shoulder I put my other hand in my pocket, not only keeping her from it, but keeping myself from doing the wrong thing. I had to be strong, for Bella.
Finally the end of the day was almost here. I walked Bella to her last class. A class we didn't share. Every second with her was agony knowing that there were so few left, knowing this was coming to an end.
"Will I see you after school?" she asked, almost fearful. She was scared of the answer.
"Sure," I said emotionless. She frowned, and turned, entering the building. I sighed as she disappeared. The rest of the afternoon would be filled with the two tasks I dreaded most: collecting any evidence of my presence in Bella's life, and saying goodbye. But it had to be done. I had to leave her, and I had to leave her without any trace of me. It would be easier that way.
Instead of heading my class. I headed to Bella's house. I knew I would not have time to do this after it was all over. I wouldn't have enough strength to enter this house after it all. If I did, I knew I wouldn't leave.
I ran up the stairs, knowing I had to do this fast. I couldn't think about it. I couldn't reminisce. Just get it done and over with.
As I grabbed her door, I froze. What was I doing? How could I do this. How could I leave. Leave my one and only love. The hardest thing I had ever had to do. I turned the door knob and opened the door. It felt like I hadn't been here in forever.
I had to do this I told myself. It was the right thing. How many times would I tell myself that? The right thing. I slightly rolled my eyes at the thought.
I had to get to work. I had one reason and one reason only for being here. I had to do this. I had to erase myself from Bella's life.
I easily located all of the things that Bella had ever let me give her. There was her birthday presents, I grabbed the tickets, and removed the CD from her CD player.
I thought about removing the stereo system but then decided against it. A gaping whole would probably be worse than the radio its self.
I looked around again, making sure it was all gone, making sure I was all gone.
I spotted her photo album on the floor. The pictures, I had to, they would be to much for her to handle.
I took a deep breath and tried not to think about the bed I sat on, about the nights spent there, holding her… DON'T…the nights spent talking to her, holding her, kissing her. STOP! I practically yelled at myself.
I grabbed the book and picked it up flipping it open. The first picture she had taken. I examined the photo. Not recognizing the person staring back at me. Smiling. Exotically happy. It was before, when I was still happy, when I still was in denial of the fact Bella was in constant danger. I gently pulled the photo and turned the page. I flipped through the book, removing any and all evidence of me. Any picture I was in, background or front and center was removed. I got to the last page. Me and Bella. I sighed, I was temtped to take the picture with me. But I couldn't, I was removing myself from bellas life, but at the same time I had to remove her as much as possible from mine. The memories would never fade, but reminders like this. Pictures of my love would just make me want to return.
I collected all the items I was taking and looked around one last time, picking up the negatives that were sitting on her desk. There was nothing else I had to find, to take. What would I do with these reminders? I couldn't keep them.
I couldn't dispose of them – they still belonged to Bella regardless.
The loose floor board came up easily, revealing a small space between the joists. Somehow the thought of leaving these memories behind, so close to her, comforted me. She would never know, but I would. One last selfish act. The last I could give her.
As the board slipped back into place I realized that my heart was being sealed in to the tiny space as well. I would never be whole again. I stood, took one more look, then ran out of the house. Ran away from the one thing I wanted most, to stay. Forever.
I waited in my car for the final bell to ring. For Bella to walk out to her truck. This would be the last time I saw her walk from school. The last time ever.
Right before the Bella rang I thought to myself. These would be the last moments I would have with Bella. I decided to meet her out side of her class.
Forcing my eyes ahead, we walked to her truck. I couldn't help but steal a glance at her as we walked, and I could see resolve forming on her face. She was preparing to fight. How I loved her, only here. Ever there would never be another for me. I knew that, but there has to be some one better for her. Someone she deserved, she deserved a full happy human life.
"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked.
"Of course not."
"Now?" I asked too quickly.
She looked at me puzzled. "Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renée in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."
I looked down at the envelope in her truck. It was so full it could barely close. I looked at the shape analyzing it. She had doubles made of the pictures. I had to get rid of them.
"I'll do it, and I'll still beat you there." I managed a smile, as I grabbed it, but she didn't return it.
"Okay," she said.
I would have to get these safely stored away with the other memories the other pictures under her floor.
I raced to her house. Knowing she would have trouble getting her giant ancient truck out of the over packed school parking lot.
Time was nearly up; Bella would be arriving soon. I finished sealing the letter and the floor, and didn't bother looking back this time. Slipping into my car, I hid the letter under my traveling bag in the passenger seat and turned on the radio. I covered my eyes with my hand, trying to focus on what had to happen in these last minutes. The goodbye that was inevitable it was this, or death for Bella. Death in the way of becoming immortal but I would never allow that. The only death for Bella would be six feet under, in a coffin. I shook the thought out of my head and waited.
Bella was not a fool. She knew something was up. She was worried that something was seriously wrong. She thankfully didn't realize my real intentions. It was clear that she would resist me. She wouldn't understand that this was the right thing to do. the only way to keep her safe. She would be hurt by my words, and the thought of her sadness was like a knife in my heart. I turned the radio on.
How would I do this? Where would I do it? I couldn't do it here, I couldn't do it at her home, the memory of this moment would kill, I couldn't do that to the place she lived, to the only place she had left.
The woods. It was the only place.
Perhaps my goodbye would discourage her from ever treading that path again, keeping her just a little farther away from the dangers lurking in the woods.
I reached down and turned off the radio. The music had been no help, only serving to remind me of what I was about to give up. I realized that my one refuge would no longer hold any peace for me. The ache in my chest intensified, but what I felt didn't matter. Only she mattered, her safety. I tried to breathe as I heard her truck approach. I had to do this. I had to do this now.
I got out to meet her. Her scent him me like it always did, but for once I didn't try to push the bloodlust away. I embraced it, remembering the creature I was, this was why I was here. This monster, and all others like it, had to be removed from Bella's life for good.
She looked at me, with confused eyes. Sadness. I was temtped to reach out hold her, make the pain go away.
I am a monster and she would die if I stayed I reminded myself.
"Come for a walk with me," I said. I struggled to maintain my calmness. This had to be absolutely right, or she wouldn't fall for it. I half expected her not to fall for it anyway.
She grabbed my hand as I led her to the woods. Her heart was beating fast, and her breathing was heavy.
I stopped, within easy sight of the house, she had to be able to find her way back. I dropped her hand, breaking yet another connection between us. My hand ached to reach out grab her hand again, hold it and never let go.
Bella frowned nervously as I gazed at her, diverting my attention momentarily. The words I'd planned to say ran through my mind.
"Okay, let's talk," she said strongly.
"Bella, we're leaving." she took a deep breath, but her expression relaxed and my heart sank. This was going to be exceptionally difficult.
"Why now? Another year –" she started.
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I studied her expression as her brow furrowed in thought. She didn't understand. How could I make her understand, she had to understand.
Her face changed, and her face got pale. My stone heart ached, seethed in pain.
"When you say we –" she whispered and paused. No, don't do it, there has to be a better way, my heart screamed, but I would not be swayed. I had to do this. I had to be strong
"I mean my family and myself," I said. Not you, never you. Please come with me. Let her come! My heart screamed at me.
She shook her head, displaying the argument I was expecting. She didn't say anything, as my words were slowly sinking in. she looked relieved. How, my heart ached, in realization.
"Okay, I'll come with you." And the argument began. I wanted that, so much, to take her away with me, to stay here wit hher. Run away with her, just the two of us. Only the two of us. I couldn't I wouldn't keep her in harms way. No matter where she was I had to be some where else.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going," I paused. Knowing it wasn't where my family was it was the danger ahead of me, finding victory. That was what I was going to do, I had to do. "it's not the right place for you."
"Where you are is the right place for me," she said stubbornly. How could I get her to see, to let me go?
"I'm no good for you, Bella," I said firmly.
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life."
No, that's wrong… she is the best part, she is all of my life. Always she saw things backwards. I very nearly backed out of it all, knowing this wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted was to stay with Bella, but I knew perfectly well that would be selfish. She needed this, and she wasn't willing to make the decision on her own. I needed to do this for her; It was probably the only good thing I would be able to do for her.
"My world is not for you." And never would be, no matter what Alice saw.
"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
"You're right." Finally she saw something for what it was. "It was exactly what was to be expected." And would happen again.
She didn't give up, she was stubborn. "You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay –"
"As long as that was best for you." But my presence had only brought her closer to death, brought her danger beyond her wildest dreams. My world was what nightmares were made of, not fairy tales.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" she yelled. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care. You can have my soul. I don't want it without you it's yours already!" she shouted.
I ripped my eyes from hers, tilting my head down but seeing nothing. How wrong she was I could never take her soul, destroy such a beautiful, perfect spirit. If I could give her mine in return, maybe, but mine had long since made its way to hell. There was no way I would allow her to join me there, no matter how much she begged. That would be worse than watching her die.
Bella was hanging on to every last thread of hope to convince me to stay. Even my lifeless heart was clenching in agony. I was hurting her, something I had tried to avoid, but she was so persistent. There was only one last thing I was forced to add before I left. I needed to leave her so she could heal and move on. I was hoping to not have to resort to this, but it was the only way. Lying had become a part of my life. Lying about what I was, who I was, what I did, but nothing could even compare to lie that I was about to tell.
Your not good for me, I don't want you. No. that wouldn't work how could she possibly believe it? She'd witnessed the happiness she gave me. The reason for my existence. The happiness that made spend every moment possible with her. The evidence was not just emotional, but physical. Esme, Carlisle, even Rosalie had commented on my appearance, the light that Bella instilled in me. The life she gave me. No, she would reject this lie before it left my lips.
But what choice did I have? she had to be free to live.
Somehow I had to convince Bella I didn't love her. She saw through everything with her superhuman perception so how could I sell such a lie? But if she saw it in reverse, could she finally understand that I was wrong for her, that she deserve so much more? What would I do if it didn't work?
The hole in my chest ripped open wide, and I let everything that she'd given me disappear into it, finding that nothing remained. I was gone everything that was Edward Cullen disappeared with her; all that was left was the cursed stone shell I wore. It was with empty eyes I looked up at her and spoke the heinous words, the greatest lie.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me," I said, using every ounce of control that I had to not let the anguish that was inside me slip out. I stared at her with cold eyes as I could hear her heart start beating faster, and her breathing came close to hyperventilation.
She didn't move, though, and stood staring up at me blankly. Her brow creased, as if trying to make sense of such a simple statement. She must be choosing her next argument she knows that I live for her. How many times had I confessed my love to her in these past months? We spent hardly an hour apart. I hadn't been more than an a few minutes away from her since returning from Phoenix. How can I convince her that all my actions had been meaningless, when in truth they were the first worthwhile things I had in my life? She wouldn't believe it, I saw that now. She couldn't, she knew me better.
Her lips began to move. "You…don't…want me?" Her voice was confused – and that shocked me to no end. She believed it?
"No," was all I could say.
She had to see through this lie – how could she believe such a myth? Her expression changed only slightly, but not to the angry disbelief I was expecting.
"Well, that changes things," she said evenly. My heart, hidden away from her ripped in two, and I had to look away. She believed me, she believed the lie. The biggest emptiest lie ever. How easily she accepted the lie that I could just throw her away like that, throw her love away. It was as if she was leaving me now. She actually believed me.
I had to continue, no matter how much this hurt me, I had to do this for Bella. I had to stay something keep her believing this extraordinary lie.
I looked away to be sure that my face would not betray me when I said, "Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human." I paused at my lie. "…I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that," I ended, it was the truth, this had gone on far to long. But I was a shameless liar. The lies I have told over the years were nothing compared to this. Only the last part of that speech was true. The longer we spent together, the more attached we both came, which only made this inevitable moment more difficult.
"Don't," she whispered, "Don't do this." Each word speared me. No, don't do this! my heart screamed in agreement. Listen to her it shouted. I pushed the words away. She had to live. I had to leave her.
"You're not good for me, Bella," I lied again. Her face fell, completely embracing the words. How can you believe me without you I'm nothing. There has never been anything as good for me as you, my love.
She must live, I argued silently. I had to let her go. I had to watch her break, I she would heal.
Bella was the only thing in the world that was good for me, but I was being too selfish in the past months.
She struggled again with her words, starting to speak, but then paused. I waited, barely enduring the torture. I would never again know what she was thinking. That thought almost broke me, almost obeying my heart reaching out grabbing her holding her, telling her I was a vicious cruel liar. But I resisted.
"If … that's what you want," she said softly. Trying, I could tell, to keep the pain out of her voice. I nodded because I was unsure that I could respond without emotion. The pain was just to much to bare.
What I want doesn't matter…
Her demeanor changed again, becoming distant. Her hands swayed at her sides, and fear rushed through me at the thought she may faint. There was only one thing more, then I would go.
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." Her face softened for a moment and I could see that she would do anything for me, that she cared that much. I saw her face full of eagerness and willingness to fulfill any last wish I asked of her. I could feel the hurt flash across my face before I could compose my expression once again. Every cell in my body begged me one last time to stop, to wrap my arms around Bella and never let her go. It is all a lie!
My chest began to ache and I had to fight for every breath, carefully concealing the truth from my one and only love.
"Anything," she said, she promised.
I couldn't hide my feelings as I made my last request of her. I gazed deeply into her eyes, willing her to know how much I loved her, how important she was to me. Lost in her perfect chestnut pools, I had to remind myself to speak
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I commanded with more emotion and intensity than I had conveyed in the past few days. As Bella nodded, I slipped back into my zombie-like expression.
Carefully I tried to lock away all the love, all the concern, my whole life, hiding it from her again. Pushing it all away, for without her I was nothing.
But she will live. I reminded myself, this is for her.
"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself for him." And for me. The last and final lie.
"I will," she breathed, nodding her head again. At least she didn't argue this one point.
I owed her my own oath, though it rang hollow, mixed in with all the lies. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." As I spoke the words, I tried to brand them into my heart. She deserved nothing less from me.
Making this promise was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, because I was going to do my very best to fulfill it. Bella began to tremble, and I knew it was time that I had to leave.
Bella teetered before me. Again I feared she would faint – if I had to carry her to the house I didn't think my will would hold.
"Don't worry. You're human your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." But not for me…I tried to sound reassuring.
As if she read my mind she said "And your memories?" After all I had put her through, she still cared too much for me.
"Well…"
How I wanted to tell her that I would remember every intimate detail of her. Her smell, her touch, every single word she'd ever spoken to me, every look, every smile, every tear, even her unbelievably delicious taste was etched into my memory permanently, never leaving me, always there to haunt me until the end of my days. I couldn't even lie to her she would see through me in a second.
"…I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted." This was not entirely a lie because we are easily distracted, but I was unsure that anything would be able to distract my thoughts of Bella.
I tried to smile, to convince her, and myself, that it was true. At the moment, I couldn't see how I could possibly avoid thinking of her, of this moment. Victoria, my mind whispered, but the name faded away on the breeze.
Bella'd believed me, believed the outrageous lie, and this was the end. It was finally time to leave. If I stayed any longer I wouldn't ever go. I stepped back, my chest empty but for the pain, a pain I would live with until the end of my existence.
"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." As I prepared to turn away, her expression changed to surprise, and it caught me off guard for a second.
"Alice isn't coming back." Bella realized and another flash of pain flew across her face. I shook my head slowly, still looking at her.
It seemed I must continue to torture her, and myself. "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." Her face was vacant now, completely empty, just like my spirit. Her face mirrored mine.
"Alice is gone?" she asked, still in disbelief.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." This was an understatement. Alice had begged me to let her see Bella one last time, but she obeyed my wishes. She was angry she was pissed, she hated me for it. But I knew that would not have been good for Bella. I struggled to keep Alice's visions of me and Bella happily together from intruding on my mind. That future would disappear now.
Bella began to sway again, her face was white, pale almost as pale as me, her eyes were empty. She took a breath. How I wanted to hold her.
It is time…let her live. Run, leave forever. Say goodbye! My mind was fighting with my heart, fighting with what I wanted.
"Goodbye, Bella," I said softly, taking one last, long look at her beautiful face. Before I could move, she stepped toward me.
"Wait!" Bella half-shouted, but her voice broke. Her hand reached forward for me, but I pinned them to her sides. I leaned down and foolishly, and gently pressed my lips on her forehead for the last time.
I savored the warmth, the smell, the feeling of her pulse in my hands and under my lips, and for one more second the sound of her heart. My senses were full of her, and my heart tried again. Don't do it! Stay with her, forever… she needs you, she LOVES YOU. Stay don't do this. Fighting every instinct I had, I let go. "Take care of yourself," I whispered, pulling away quickly. If I let it last any longer I would not have been able to stop. Her eyes closed and I took that moment to turn and run away from the only thing that tethered me to life. I ran from the only thing that mattered to me, in hopes that she would be better off without me. I ran from my life, my world.
She will live… but the words were empty, as I knew that my life was over. Without her I would only exist, until the day she died. Then I would cease to exist, and then the pain would end. There would be no more pain for me.
Without looking back I ran as fast as I could. Each step tore at my flesh, ripping another small piece of my heart away and leaving it behind me. In three of her heartbeats I was standing next to my car.
I listened for her footsteps to cross the lawn, but heard a much more disturbing sound, the fading rustle of leaves. She was trying to follow me.
Bella, don't try and find me… let me be, live your life. I willed her to hear my plea.
My eyes turned toward the trees again, my legs begging me to go find her, but with all the strength I could muster I turned the opposite direction and ran into her house. I found a piece of paper and quickly scribbled a note, mimicking her unique handwriting and telling Charlie where to find her in case she got lost. I glanced at the clock as I set the note by the phone. He would be home in minutes to watch the early game; she couldn't go far. He would make sure she was safe. He had to make sure she was safe, this one last time she would be in danger because of me.
As I returned to my car, I heard her again, still walking through the greenery. There was nothing left inside me now except pain, and with every sound it deepened. If I stayed another second I wouldn't be able to stand it, I would go to her. And once she was within my grasp I would never let her go. Ever. I had to leave.
I got in my car quickly. Barely seeing the road as I drove away for the last time.
Her scent was still in my Volvo, it would linger for a while before slowly disappearing in time. I had to ignore the need to turn around and run to her, hold her. I had to ignore the urge to return. I could never return.
In the distance I could hear Bella calling after me. It was so hard to keep moving forward, away from her, when everything in me was drawn to her voice. I pushed myself forward trying to block out the pained cries of "Edward" that followed me. She is better off without me. I am not good enough for her. I am a monster that haunted her once pleasant life. I drove further and further away. Never to return.
I couldn't control myself any longer. I had to pull over. I was unable to take the torture any longer. The last vision the last sight I had of Bella, flashed through my head. I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't shake it off. I couldn't get the last torturing sight out of my head. There could be no agony worse than this.
I reminded myself there could be. There could be more agony than this. I slowly reminded myself of the sight I saw in phoenix. Bella's broken body laying in a pool of her own blood. There could be worse than this. To many times her life had been endangered by me. By being exposed to my world. My world full of nightmarish mythological creatures. She was not meant for that world. It was just a matter of time before she would get hurt again. Or worse.
Then she would be gone forever, and it would be my fault.
The pain of that thought brought my hands up to my face as my chest was slashed open and everything inside vanished. As empty as leaving her left me, the idea of her dying literally erased my existence. I forced myself to breathe, to calm down, but the sensation was now permanent. At least without me she would live. She would enjoy a human life, and it would end someday in a human death. Then she would find the paradise I would never see.
The pain wrenched inside me worse. She had believed the lie. After everything, she believed me.
How could she believe that I could just leave her? I was so prepared for her to fight, to beg, to make it impossible for me to leave, that I was shocked when she didn't. Her love had changed me in innumerable ways; I had assumed that it was the same for her. Had I been wrong all this time?
I tried to breathe, but couldn't. Every thought that crossed my mind only caused more hurt. Even as I tried to think about how much better off Bella was without the danger my world posed, I found no comfort. As she moved forward with her life, mine ceased. There was nothing for me now, nothing.
I had to prepare myself for the hunt, I had to find victoria. What about my family? I owed them a goodbye. I should go. I told them I would come.
I decided I would stay for a week or two. Prepare myself to find and hunt down victoria. It was the only thing I could do now. Nothing else mattered, nothing made sense.
Slowly I managed a breath. I straightened up and rubbed my face, trying to erase some of the sadness. My emotions could not be locked away again; Bella had the only part of me that allowed that…my heart.
OK THIS CHAPTER WAS HARD. IT WAS SAD AND DEPRESSING LOL… I HATED WRITING IT.. I WANTED TO JUST CHANGE IT AND HAVE HIM LISTEN TO HIS HEART. BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT COULDN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN:-/…. HMMM PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YA THINK.. WAS THIS HOW YOU IMAGINED HIM FEELING???
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