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Chapter 7: Cant go home, I have no home

I arrived at the house. My house, our new home. I knew it wouldn't be home. It couldn't be. Nothing would ever be home again with out Bella. Nothing would be the same. I looked around the outside of the house. I didn't sense anyone inside. They must be out hunting, or finding good places to. I looked around one last time.

Should I go in? should I run? I couldn't be any help to them.. I would just be a bother. A burden to my entire family. I was just a shell of my former self. And they would know, and I would hear there thoughts, there apologizes. I sighed, stepping onto the front porch and opening the door.

I had to at least try, for them. I had to try to b normal.

I looked around the room, it was the first time I had seen the new house. Carlisle had done a good job picking it out and the location was good. Esme of course with Alice's help did a wonderful job of decorating. I'm sure with time, this will become home. It had to right?

I heard some one clear there throat behind me. Alice I sighed and turned toward her.

"Glad you could make it." she hissed sarcastically at me. She was angry, very angry.

"It took a little less than a day to get here." I tried to make good conversation, keep up the façade of a normal existence. "Where's the rest…" she cut me off before I could ask.

"Hunting." she glared at me.

"Why didn't.." again she cut me off. With a lot more force this time.

"You know, I used to agree with Bella." I cringed at the name. it killed me to hear it. Or think it. I gritted my teeth as Alice continued her tirade. "About you being a monster. I never thought we were ever really monsters. Especially you Edward. I never thought you were capable of being one. Until I saw this." I took a deep breath and tried to block out her vision, knowing what it would be, but not expecting it at the same time. I saw Bella. My beautiful angel. She was drenched from the rain. Laying in a crumpled ball on the wet muddy forest floor. My chest ripped open further and further, I didn't think it was possible to have that ache be any worse. I was wrong. I bent over and fell on my knees. Dry sobs erupt through me. I wished the pain would just stop. Burn me where I was, kneeling on the floor.

"Alice, please." I managed to choke.

"No, I'm not done! That was just yesterday after you left her! After you broke her! Do you hve any idea what you are doing to her? Your killing her, and I don't think you even give a damn. So no I will not stop! You deserve this! Maybe if you ee enough you will realize the pain your causing her is so much worse than what it could have been. Your being stupid, maybe you'll realize that! This entire thing is stupid! Pointless! you cant live with out her Edward, and she cant live without you! As much as you want to think she can, she cant!" She snapped at me, and forced another one of her nightmarish horror visions in my head.

This time she was sleeping. What looked like peacefully. She was fine without me, her nightmares didn't come. I slowly realized Alice wouldn't show me this if there wasn't a bad side. Suddenly Bella was screaming, she was scared, so scared. She screamed my name, and told me not to leave. She said she loved me.

My dead heart was ripped from me in that instant, there was nothing left. Nothing at all.

"I love you to Bella." whispered still kneeling on the floor. Dry sobs broke free again, I wished I could cry, something, anything would be better than this.

"No you don't love her! If you did you wouldn't have left her like that Edward!" she was shouting, I could hear the pain in her voice as well. But it was nothing compared to my own.

Another vision entered my head, it was Bella, she was alone. She looked sick, something was wrong, she was Bella, but she wasn't my Bella. She was lifeless, empty. There was no emotion there, there was nothing left. It broke my heart to see that. What was left of my heart. She had. I no longer had a heart. She was my heart.

Suddenly it changed. Bella was sitting at the table with Charlie. Suddenly his fist came down on the table. "That's it Bella, I'm sending you home!" he shouted at her, a low growl escaped my throat. She looked up from her bowl surprised.

"I am home." she mumbled and looked at him, confusion covered her face.

"I'm sending you to Renee in Jacksonville." he clarified for her.

She gasped. She clearly was as confused as I was. What could she have done?

"What did I do?" she replied she was hurt, sad. She didn't understand. I wanted to reach out and grab her, hold her. Make all the pain go away. Kiss her passionately like I never had before. I almost reached out in front of me, before I realized there was just air, she wasn't really there. I would never again hold my Bella. My love.

Charlie scowled at her as she thought about what he said.

"You didn't do anything. that's the problem! You never do anything!"

"You want me to get into trouble? She looked like she had to force herself to pay attention. Stay focused.

"Trouble would be better than this. This moping around all the time!" the pain in my chest deepened.

"I am not mopping around." she replied looking clearly hurt.

"Wrong word. Moping would be better. That would be doing something. Your just." he paused for a minute, clearly looking for the right word." Lifeless., Bella. I think that's the word I want." Lifeless so I wasn't the only one to see that.

She sighed and apologized to Charlie.

"I don't want you to apologize."

She sighed again. "Then tell me what you want me to do."

"Bella." he stopped and hesitated. "Honey, your not the first person to go through this kind of thing." I had to grin at that, she was the first, the first id ever known to ever fall in love with a monster. With a mythological creature, a vampire.

She looked empty. "I know that."

"listen honey, I think that, maybe you need some help."

"Help?" she questioned. Not understanding it right away like I had.

He wanted her to go see a shrink. She wouldn't be able to get the help from a shrink. You have to be honest to them, to get the help. She told him shed go out tonight instead.

"That's not what I want." he paused. I could see the frustration in his face. "I don't think I can live through seeing you try harder. I've never seen anyone trying so hard. It hurts to watch." she tried to ignore it, but I could see through her. See through the hurt, the pain. The pain that I caused her, I could only hope that this was just a few days from now. She would get over it.

I watched as they fought, he wanted her to go out but wanted her to want to go out. Be Bella again. I wanted that too. He wanted her to switch schools. Go to Jacksonville. She refused and said it would screw everything up. I knew the real reason behind it. Although I hoped I was wrong. I wondered how far into the future this was. Was it just a few days? I hoped. I hoped she would move on in a few months be better, get over me. Move on.

"You're a good student, you'll figure it out."

"I don't want to crowd mom and Phil." she stated flatly.

"Your mothers been dying to have you back."

"Florida is to hot." since when did she like the cold?

His fist came down on the table again.

"We both know what's really going on here. Bella and its not good for you." he took a deep breath. "It's been months, no calls, no letters, no contact. You cant keep waiting for him."

Months? It had been months? I left her and months later she looked like this? My heart wrenched. I fell to the side and wrapped my arms around my knees pulling them up closer to my face. Burring my face in them. I was a horrible creature, I was a monster.

"I'm not waiting for anything. I don't expect anything!" she said. But I saw the truth behind her eyes. She was waiting. Months later and she was still waiting. Waiting for me to return to her.

"Alice, please."

"You put this on yourself!"

"I know, but its for the best, you'll.." she cut me off.

"No Edward, I will never see! I will never understand and neither will she. For the rest of her mortal life she will wait for you. Hurt, confused, broken. What was the word? Oh right, lifeless!"

I still didn't look up. I didn't move, my face was buried in my hands. Dry sobs shook me to my core.

"As long as she suffers I will make you suffer, show you the hurt and the pain you have caused her!"

"At least she's alive Alice." I whispered through my sobs.

"She would have been alive either way! Edward if you would just give her what she wanted, what we all wanted, this wouldn't be happening. She would be safe!"

"Alice you know why I cant do that."

"Your not damned Edward. Although now id have to think twice about that. You're a monster for what you have done to Bella and I hope you do have a spot in hell!"

"So do I." I managed to choke out.

She started to show me another vision. Before I could see anything…

"That's enough!" Esme shouted. Walking into the house. I still didn't look up. "Alice?" she questioned.

"He deserved it. He deserves to suffer along with her."

"And you think I'm not suffering? You think ever second every minute spent away from her is not pure heart wrenching agony? That standing here, not being able to hold her, see her, talk to her. Have any contact at all with her, is not killing me? Your wrong! This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire existence. This beats being changed, by a lot. That burning pain is nothing compared to what I feel now." I stood up, shaking, sobs still shaking my entire body. "I wish I could live in pure fire for the rest of my existence, if only to get rid of this pain I feel now. I ran up the stairs to find my room. Slamming the door behind me. Shutting the outside world out. Shutting everything out. I was nothing anymore. I had nothing there was nothing left to give. I was as lifeless as Bella. And I would be lifeless for the rest of Bella's mortal life. As long as she was living somewhere, then I would go on. But as soon as her mortal life ended I would find away to end my suffering. If not to be with her on the other side. Then at least to end the pain.

End it all.

tried to breathe, but couldn't. Every thought that crossed my mind only caused more hurt. Even as I tried to think about how much better off Bella was without the danger my world posed, I found no comfort. As she moved forward with her life, mine ceased. There was nothing for me now, nothing…

My mind was made up. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't give them that week. I had to go, I had to go now. There was nothing left for me here. Nothing left for me anywhere.

I had only one thing left to do. After that I wouldn't know what to do. Victoria. I had to do this one last thing for Bella.

It was the only thing I could do. To get my mind off. Even that I wasn't sure would work.

I went over what I would need. I couldn't take a lot, just the essentials.

I heard a buzzing of thoughts from downstairs. Alice saw my decision. Suddenly there was a knock on my door.

I opened it slowly.

'I'm sorry, Edward… We love you… Please don't go' Esme's mind pleaded with me.

"You know I have to go. I'll keep in touch, I promise," I whispered. I looked behind her, as the rest of my family walked into the room. This was no longer my home, this was no longer my room. I didn't belong here anymore. I didn't belong anywhere. The only place I belonged, I couldn't be.

She shook her head and walked forward hugging me. I slowly placed my arms around her and leaned my cheek on her forehead.

"I'm sorry, but I have to."

Carlisle walked to me, and placed his arm on my shoulder, hugging me and Esme.

'is this the only way?' his thoughts filled my head. He studied my face, unable to hide his own sadness any longer.

I tried to swallow the lump that filled my throat. His words were tempting me again. One more opportunity to turn back.

"Yes, it is," I said firmly, looking away again. This was the only way.

"Edward, I'm sorry." Alice said not looking at me.

"Its not you Alice. I just I cant be here, not yet anyway. I just need to be alone."

"Where will you go dude?" Emmett said his voice was hoarse. Sadness over whelmed me, saying good bye to my family was almost as hard as saying goodbye to Bella.

"I'm sorry Edward, but I cant stay in this room, your," he paused. "Emotions are just to much." that wasn't the word he was going to use, the sadness that came from me was killing him. I nodded at him. Still in Esme's clutches. She refused to let me go.

"Where will you go? Our family is incomplete without you, Edward." Carlisle replied.

My sadness was now mirrored in his eyes, and drove the pain into my chest again. I couldn't stay and torture them, too.

"I'm going to kill Victoria." The name changed part of the sadness to hate as I saw the red-head's face flash through my mother's mind. She was listening intently to my every word. "She cannot be allowed to pose a threat to anyone, let alone Bella. it's the last thing I can give her. She has to be safe. It will keep me occupied. I'll return I promise. Just as soon as I am finished with her."

Emmett studied my expression and briefly considered offering to come with me. Before I could protest he thought of Rosalie and changed his mind. He walked forward and put his hands on my shoulders. "If you need anything."

"I wont hesitate to ask." I smiled up at him. It was a forced smile but a smile none the less.

"Please Edward." these words shocked me. Rose was begging me to stay. "Don't tear our family apart." she finally realized the love I had for Bella. And it was to late. She still hated her, still wished a horrible fate for herb ut she was sincere in wanting me to stay. I had to give her that.

"I'll be back. I have to go I cant be here."

"There is no way to talk you out of this?" Carlisle asked.

"None."

"Well then we have no choice. We have to do as you wish. We owe you that."

"You don't owe me anything."

"Be safe. Son." he replied.

"Please come back Edward."

"Soon." Emmett added.

They all said there goodbyes and left my room.

I finished packing the one bag I would need. I quickly ran to the computer. Searching for anything, something to point me in the right direction.

Finally I found it.

A bunch of campers were attacked and killed. They thought it was an animal. I knew better.

Victoria, was hunting.

I took one last look at the room. This was not my room. It held no sentimental value, no feeling, it didn't feel safe, or warm. It didn't feel comfortable.

I knew nothing and nowhere, no matter how far I went or where I went. Nothing would be the same, nothing with have that feeling, that feeling of warmth, the feeling of home again. I had no home.

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