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Chapter 8: Right thing

There are moments in your life that stand out from the rest, I could name two. Meeting Isabella Marie Swan. And leaving her forever. The most joyous moment in my life, and also the most painful.

There are moments that you experience every second and it feels like minutes. Every minute feels like hours, and the hours drag on to years. And then you realize. Its only been a matter of a few seconds. And you feel that sharp pain all over again.

Moments you live through seem to last forever, there more vibrant, and yet at the same time. The moments are just slipping away through your finger tips. It feels like your loosing everything and your powerless to stop it. Its all slipping through your finger tips, like grains of sand. And you can do nothing to keep it there. You try and you try, but its hopeless. You end up losing it all. Although really you've already lost it, you just haven't excepted it yet. Your in denial.

I walked away from her, I walked away from Bella. And in that instant, I became a shell. A empty void of the person I used to be. I walked away. Leaving everything behind me. Leaving Edward Cullen behind. I was no longer Edward Cullen, I didn't know who I was.

Thousands of times, in the few seconds that it took me to put nearly a mile between us, I wanted to turn around and drive straight back. I could feel my joints preparing for the one fluid movement it would take me to spin and be hurtling in the opposite direction. It would've been so simple to just reappear and wipe away the flowing tears that fell. I had to control myself. It had been a few days and yet, it felt like forever.

I had left Bella, my one and only love behind me. I had left my family. I had no choice. I couldn't stay there. I couldn't put them through this. My pain was that of my own. My own pain, it was my own fault. I had nothing, and no one. I was alone.

I was on a mission. I had to stay strong, I had to stay occupied, distracted.

That word, that one single word brought back a slew of memories. The worst memory of all. Loosing my love. Walking away from Bella.

'Don't worry. You're human your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.' I told her.

'And your memories?' after everything, she had still cared about me, still worried.

'Well…I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted.'

Distracted, that was the word I had used. I slightly hoped Alice's vision in a few months would change. But I knew better than to bet against Alice. But I could still hope right?

I sighed, knowing I had done the hardest most single life altering, painful thing I had ever done, and will ever do in all of my existence.

In that one small moment of doing the right thing, it caused me the greatest loss I had ever experienced.

I was doing the right thing, I was a monster there was no other way.

I tried to convince myself. I told myself over the last few days countless times. This was what was right. And yet some how I couldn't make it sound true. The truth was there, but the reasons, there was other things, drastic things, but I couldn't think of them. I did the only true and right thing.

I had to hunt I couldn't sit here in this hotel room and contemplate any longer. I needed to get out.

I hurtled through the forests faster than I could ever recall going before, with no sense of purpose or direction. It didn't matter anyway. I had to remind myself all my things were back at the room. Half of me didn't care it just wanted to run, run fast and far away. Just run. Now that I had run away from the one thing that mattered, what was there left to run towards?

I stopped dead in my tracks, there was an opening in the forest. It was a meadow. Not the same meadow from my memories. But it was close enough to bring all that pain back to the surface.

The painful memories of that day flooded back, knocking me down in every literal sense. I sat my knees pulled up to my chin, sobs shook me.

The rain was pouring, when did it start raining? Had I missed that fact?

The rain fell staining my face were tears, as I sat crumpled wishing to be normal. The vision of her face, flushed and warmed by the sun as she beckoned me farther into the warmth, curious rather than frightened of what I was, taunted me. Calling me home.

No, I had no home. Bella was my home, I no longer had her.

You can still go back. My heart repeated itself loudly. There has to be another. My mind over powered it, the thought of Bella being hurt or killed, or worse becoming immortal was almost as much torture. Almost

Then again, how did I really know?

I could go back.

No I mustn't.

Suddenly my phone went buzzed in my pocket. I knew I should have gotten rid of it. But it made my mother feel better knowing she could contact me if she needed me. And vise versa. Although the latter of it never happen. I didn't want to talk to them, I only wanted to talk to one person, the one person I couldn't. That didn't stop them from calling though.

"Yes?" I responded as I flipped my phone open.

"Edward." Esme said on the other line. I half expected it to be Alice. She had called every day since I left. Trying to convince me to come back. To go back to Bella. At least come back to them.

"Hi." it was the only thing I could come up with. Hi, how trivial. How human.

"Are you ok?"

"Fine."

"Please don't lie to me."

"I'm as fine as I am going to be." I clarified.

"I don't like this. I don't like you running off alone hunting down Victoria. Your not a tracker, your not even a hunter."

"Is this because you want me to come back. Or your worried?"

"Both, do I need a reason to want to see you? Help you, shield you from this."

"You can't shield me from my own pain. I'm sorry."

"Edward, you have changed so much for the better. Please there has to be another way. Bella has changed your life so much. You have been so happy. You have been so full of life. I don't think I can bare it if you torture your self like this. Please Edward she needs you as much as you need her."

"I don't.." I couldn't even finish, I did need her. Why lie.

"You do."

"I have to go, I'm sorry, I'll call soon, promise. I love you bye." and I hung up.

My head felt like it was going to explode if it fought with itself any harder. I wanted to hate myself for wasting the chance I had been given at happiness. I wanted to mourn what I had lost. I wanted to hope that a solution would present itself after all. And most disturbingly of all, a small part of me wanted to destroy it. Just end all of this suffering right now. Get it over and done with.

A pure and perverse instinct wanted me to manifest the pain I was feeling in any physical way. It wanted me to rip something to shreds just because I was able to.

I couldn't control the rage that was inside of my head. The pent up anger with myself. This was my fault plan and simple no one was to blame but me.

I yelled, and threw my fist directly through the first tree I met hoping to release some of the horribly intense emotions I was feeling.

In a matter of seconds I had efficiently turned the innocent tree into sawdust and I was moving onto its neighbor when I heard the incessant buzzing of my phone again.

I froze in place, one hand raised half way to impacting with the doomed oak and the other curled just as tightly ready to follow the blow through. I slowly uncurled my fists and lowered my hands to my sides.

I fell forward, onto my hands and knees and began to sob. It had been just a few days, and I still could not control the heart wrenching agony of it all. Is it better to of loved and lost, than to never of loved at all?

I say never to love at all. If this is what it feels like to loose the one you love. Than I'm sorry ill take being lonely any day. Cause in the end your lonely either way.

I was a monster, I had destroyed everything, because of what I am. Why was I being punished. I knew I was destined to be with Bella. I knew I was made to love her. If this is what was planned, I was planned to loose her in the end. Then why give me that small taste of heaven just to rip it from my grasp? I was being punished for being a monster.

I tree killing monster. I looked down at the shards from the tree.

This was what I was. I was a reckless force of nature, unnatural in everyway. I was a perfect machine with no possible function. I was doomed and damned in every sense and no amount of repentance would preserve me.

I loved her and she loved me.

Buzz buzz. My phone wouldn't stop. I reached in my pocket and in one fluid movement turned it off. I couldn't deal with them right now. I loved them, but my love for Bella was stronger. I had to go back. What if she did something stupid.

'Take care of yourself.' I reminded her. I told her to be safe. Take care of her self. She would listen, I knew she would. If not for me for Charlie. She would be fine, there was no need for me. She had to move on. I had to let her move on.

I love you Bella. Those 4 words broke me. I felt my will break into pieces. I knew if I didn't stop thinking about this I would run back to her, grab her in my arms and take back all those blasphemous lies I had fed her; call my family to come home; and keep her in danger to keep her close. That wasn't fair, she had to live a normal happy human life. I owed her that much.

I loved Bella so much, I would be miserable for the rest of my existence just to keep her safe. Difference between right and wrong. I had to do the right thing, I had to stay away from my love. Forever.

I rolled over onto my back and looked up at the dark night sky.

Every second that we had ever been together began to play in my head like a movie.

"Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?"

"Ladies first, partner?"

"I want to know the truth. I want to know why I'm lying for you."

"I'm tired of trying to stay away from you Bella."

"I have a theory about that..."

"and so the lion fell in love with the lamb."

"I love you, Edward."

From beginning to end. And I knew the movie would never stop. It would reply in my mind over and over again until the day I no longer walked this earth.

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