A/N:
First I would like to give a BIG THANK YOU to:
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Manatee7
charvie
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Chapter 12: Price
I as in my car, as quick as a flash. Heading back to forks, heading back to my life, back home.
Bella, my love. I had to go back right? She needed me just as much as I needed her. Alice's vision had proved that the very same day I had left her. Why didn't I see it and except it then? Why had I been so stubborn to keep myself my own personal hell. In this vague state of emptiness.
I was punishing myself. Punishment for being a monster. But Bella didn't see me that way. Bella never saw me as the ugly monstrous creature that I really was. She had loved me for me, monster and all. Why couldn't I see it sooner.
This wasn't my life, this wasn't my future. My future was with Bella for the next how ever many years god allowed me to have her. I would not change her. If only she could except the fact she would grow old. But grow old with me.
I knew this would be hard, this would be difficult. I would need to prove and beg for forgiveness get on my knees and plead.
What if she didn't want me back? What if she couldn't forgive me? What if I was wrong? Wrong about everything?
What if she was happy? She had moved on. She had found some one else.
Would I be able to handle that?
No.
No, this wasn't going to work.
I slammed on the breaks and jerked the steering wheel around and started driving further away from forks.
I couldn't do this. I couldn't rip her from her happiness again. It had been to long. She had found some one else. Moved on.
What was I thinking?
I was thinking that I love Bella, and my life without her isn't a life at all. Its not a life I want. I need Bella in my life. Whether it be more than friend. I just need her. Need to see her, touch her, hear her.
Again the steering wheel was jerked around and I had just made a complete ridiculas circle.
I needed Bella, and Bella needed me. I was sure of it.
wasn't I?
What if she didn't want me?
My memories took me back, to the day in the forest. Her reaction to my leaving. Her face. She had died that day. Just as I had.
But she had believed me. She had believed the most vicious lie.
How long had it been? I thought for a minute. About six months. It had been six months.
That wasn't very long to me, but for Bella. That would have felt like ages.
It was a very long time.
Enough time to move on. I slammed on the breaks and pulled over to the side of the road.
Could I honestly hope that she had been there all this time, just sulking, mourning me. Mourning the loss of me. Going through the motions, but other wise dead. Did I honestly hope that she had waited? I saw it, a vision of Bella walking to her window every night making sure I wasn't waiting for her to let me in. glancing at the table at lunch.
Waiting outside her class every day, for some one who would never come?
A small part of me smiled at that, wished that, it was true. Wished that she had closed of her heart from everyone around her, and only waited and wanted me. That part of her would always miss and love me. If only just a small part.
But the dark vision crept into my mind.
What if she had found someone new? What would I do?
Would I simply return and expect her to give it all up for me? Of course not. I knew deep down I was not right for her. But I also knew I would never find another like Bella. As long as she was happy that was all that mattered. Whether that happiness be with me or not.
I would go back, see her. I would watch her for a while. It would be torture, but it would be better than nothing. I would want to reach out touch her, talk to her. Torturous not to be able to. But I had to make sure she was ok.
And then, if she seemed happy…I would leave. Who was I to interfere with her happiness?
But… what if she didn't look happy? Would I allow my presece to be known. Would I let her know I was there. Would I walk up to her one day and watch her look as if she had seen a ghost? Would I try to reclaim what I had lost? Would I plead with her, make her forgive me? Did I deserve it?
Whether I deserved forgivness or not didn't matter to me. All that mattered was that I would do anything to win her back. I would do what ever it took. If it took the rest of her life I would do it.
I wanted her and needed her so much. It was more powerful than the thirst. She was all that mattered. Everything else seemed insignificant compared to Bella. There was only her. Her and her alone.
My fear of rejection was strong - strong and understandable. I had hurt her incredibly…why would she ever want me back? Never mind what Jasper had done…maybe after my actions, she now considered me a monster. Actions that had all been a lie… why had she believed the lie, but never believed in the truth of my feelings for her.
I already knew it was a fool's hope.
There would be a price to pay for what I had done…I just didn't know what it would be and thoughts of the unknown were becoming unbearable. Would I find her happy, living her life as I had told her, the way it was supposed to be? Would she have moved on, with some one else? Or would I find that she was like me, an empty shell.
There would be a price, but what price would I have to pay?
The sudden buzz of my phone shook me from my inner argument. I looked out the windshield into the darkness as I grabbed reached for my phone.
It had to be Alice. She had saw my plain of action. Whether she would warn me, yell at me for being an idiot in the first place, or just be happy to go home. I didn't know.
I flipped the phone open.
"Edward?" the voice was not who I had expected.
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