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Chapter 20: Given up
Bella kept looking like she was going to say something, but held her tongue every time. I wanted her to say whatever it was that she was thinking, but I also didn't want to start a conversation while there was hope that she would fall asleep and get some rest. Whatever hope there was of her falling asleep was diminished though, as she kept drinking soda. I held her in my arms and traced her face over and over again. She touched mine in return. I couldn't stop myself from kissing her, everywhere, but still never her lips.
What if this was all that I had left?
The plane landed on the ground and I had to release her from my arms. Not having her there made me feel empty. It was almost unbearable. Like half of me was missing.
We walked down the long hallway towards the exit, my arm draped around Bella's waist again. It gave me some sense of security to have her close to me.
Waiting for us were Esme, Carlisle, and Jasper. I figured my family would be here once Alice had called Jasper to let him know we were alive. Bella looked truly surprised to see everyone there. I felt a new guilt wash over me as I looked at Esme and Carlisle. Esme stepped forward taking Bella into a hug even though I didn't release her.
Fear was what kept my hold on Bella. Fear that now were on the ground she would run at any moment. Run from the monster that I was.
"Thank you so much," she said quietly to Bella. Next she turned on me, and threw her arms around me. The look on her face made my chest ache even more. It reflected the magnitude of pain I had put her through. Tears would have fallen if she were capable.
"You will never put me through that again," she practically growled.
"Sorry, Mom," was about all I could say.
"Thank you, Bella. We owe you." Carlisle said to her. He didn't speak to me out loud at least. He gave me the so nice to have you home. But in that tone that only a father could give. When Bella spoke to Carlisle I realized that her sleepless plane ride had finally caught up to her. She was exhausted.
"Hardly," Bella mumbled back. She looked as if she was about to pass out, and I felt her go a little more limp in my arms.
"She's dead on her feet." Esme was not pleased with the condition that Bella was in especially because she had risked her life for me. She scolded me as if it was my fault. I had told her to sleep hadn't I? Then again, if I hadn't gone to kill myself she would never had missed three days sleep. I deserved all I got. Bella was in this condition in this state because of me. "Let's get her home." 'stop blaming yourself dear.' I hear her say in her mind. I tried to smile up at her but I was more concerned with Bella.
I lead her toward the parking garage and found Emmett and Rosalie leaning against the car. I stiffened, the anger rose in my chest. I wanted to rip her limb from limb. She didn't think about anybody but herself. She didn't think of the consequences of her actions. She was selfish!
"Don't," Esme whispered. "She feels awful."
"She should." I made no attempt to hide my anger. She had been horrible to me since the day Bella first appeared in Forks and she had been even worse to Bella. She took pleasure in that phone call thinking that if Bella were dead I would return to the family. It wasn't that simple. Did she not love Emmett as much as I loved Bella? Obviously not.
"It's not her fault," she mumbled half asleep. Bella was actually trying to defend her. After everything, after the way she treated her. Bella would always surprise me.
"Please let her make amends," Esme pleaded. "We'll ride with Alice and Jasper."
I pouted. I didn't want anything to do with Rosalie.
I couldn't help but glower at Rosalie. All the rage I had in me, I tried to focus through my eyes into her head. How I wished she would just disappear, forever.
Bella must have seen me glaring at Rosalie because she spoke up then,
"Please, Edward." again, always a surprise. She was willing to ride with her. After all the horrible stuff.
I decided that if Bella were willing to deal with Rosalie then I would make the effort.
"Edward," Rosalie's thoughts were clear. She was sorry but what she did was so inexcusable.
"I know," there was little she could say that would make me forgive her any time soon.
"Bella?" Rosalie spoke softly. There was hesitation in her voice. Rosalie was never good at being humble and this was not easy for her.
"Yes, Rosalie?"
"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me."
Surprisingly, her words seemed sincere. Rosalie meant every word she said. Her thoughts did not betray her. It was very difficult for her to do this and I was pleased that she made an effort with Bella.
"Of course, Rosalie," Bella spoke in sleepy tones. "It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Of course I forgive you."
"It doesn't count until she's conscious, Rose," Emmett said with a small chuckle.
"I'm conscious." Bella barely mumbled before she nuzzled closely to my neck and fell fast asleep. I loved having her so close to me. All of this could wait.
"Let her sleep." I said gruffly to them. She needed her rest I had a feeling that Charlie would not be as happy to see us or at least me.
It was as bad, if not worse, than what I had imagined. I could hear Charlie's thoughts as we approached the house. He was worried about Bella. Then he saw our car pull up. Charlie swung the door open and stalked toward us. I lifted Bella into my arms and carried her towards Charlie.
'I can't believe that kid is here, wait till I get my hands on him.' Charlie thought. He was not happy to see me, nor was I surprised.
Charlie shouted to us from across the street in the doorway.
"Bella!" the anger was clear in his voice and his thoughts were screaming profanities at me. Charlie hated me and blamed me for everything. He had every right to blame me. Right now though Bella was priority, she needed to sleep and be yelled at later.
"Charlie," Bella was barely awake but she recognized that we were at her house.
"Shh, it's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep." I whispered to Bella trying to ease her anxiety. She would have to face Charlie eventually and he had thoughts of grounding until she was thirty. He was highly upset, he was pissed. Furious at me.
"I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here." Charlie was furious. He had some pretty vivid thoughts involving me and his fists. But he was also panicked. It was the second time Bella had run off because of me. He was afraid one of these times she would run off for good like Renee. I could understand his fear. I was afraid that she would run away from me for good too. Something we had in common.
I tried to read into his thoughts find an opening. Something to make this all better.
I finally realized I would have to wait for him to cool down. He was hot tempered. And anger flared within him.
"Stop it, Dad." Bella barely let the words slip through her lips. He ignored her.
"What's wrong with her?" Charlie was close enough to see Bella's pale face and limp body in my arms. A whole new set of thoughts rushed through his mind about Bella's well being.
"She's just very tired Charlie, please let her rest." I tried to keep my voice and even tone. These were not the words Charlie wanted to hear from me. Charlie preferred for me to be dead amongst the many thoughts going through his head.
"Don't tell me what to do!" Charlie was red in the face and yelling at me. "Give her to me. Get your hands off of her!"
I didn't wish to infuriate him any more than necessary. I tried to pass Bella to Charlie but she clung to me. It was the first sign she had shown of wanting to be with me. I found some joy in the gloominess of this situation. Bella may want to be with me. Of course, she could just want to yell at me and tell how much of a jerk she thought I was or she was too unconscious to know what she was doing. Either way I'd take it. It would mean being with her for at least a little longer. I couldn't bare not being with her. I just prayed this wasn't going to be the end. Bella really did want this, want to be with me.
Cling to me forever. Forever, It didn't sound to bad, but I couldn't do that to her, couldn't risk her soul.
"Cut it out, Dad. Be mad at me." she mumbled, finding her voice again.
We had made it to the front steps of Bella's house. Charlie was standing between the front door and me. He was not about to let me in his house.
"You bet I will be. Get inside." Charlie was definitely going to ground Bella for life after this.
"Kay, let me down." Bella sighed heavily as I set her on her feet. Her legs were not ready to hold her weight. She took a step and her head was headed straight for the sidewalk. I quickly caught her before her face and the concrete made contact. I held her around the waist.
"Just let me get her upstairs and then I'll leave." Charlie wasn't overly excited about letting me in his house but the thought of me leaving made his day. Could I really leave thought? Before I could think about it any further. Bella had a completely different reaction to my words. One that surprised even me.
"No!" Bella was distraught over me leaving and if my heart weren't stone it would have skipped a beat. She didn't want me to leave. This was the second time she had that reaction to the thought of me leaving. It gave me some hope but I was still unsure of her reasons and the fear resurfaced. No I pushed it aside. She was truly upset at my leaving. For some reason this made my dead heart flutter. She didn't want me to leave? I loved the thought of it.
"I won't be far," I promised her. I said it so low into her ear so that Charlie wouldn't hear.
And I wouldn't be, I couldn't bare to be away from her for even a minute. Leaving her here would be hard enough as it was. Even the shortest amount of time. I needed her to be close. Time would stand still until then. I knew I would have to leave for just a little while. Pacify Charlie.
I walked past Charlie and had him direct me to Bella's room.
I carried Bella into her room. I pried Bella's fingers from my shirt and placed her on her bed and covered her in her blankets. I gently placed a kiss on her forehead and walked back down the stairs. Charlie was close behind me trying to decide which thoughts he would actually share with me. None of them were pleasant or polite.
"What the hell are you doing back here? Do have any idea what you put her through? How those months after you left were? You have no right to come back into her life after how you left her. With out anything, no contact at all. And she waited! Waited for you, waited for something that never came. You go and get yourself into whatever it was, and just expect her to let you back! Get the hell out of my house and don't ever walk through my door again!" Charlie screamed at me.
I nodded, I knew I wouldn't be able to explain myself at the moment. His vision was clouded by anger and rage.
I couldn't blame him; he was only looking out for Bella.
I made my way back to the house. Back home, forks was my home. It was always our home. I should have never made us leave.
I didn't want to be away from Bella. But I knew Charlie would be watching Bella. She would be asleep for hours, she was exhausted not only physically but mentally. She needed rest. I just hoped it was peaceful.
Carlisle was waiting for me at the house. He wasn't as angry as I thought he was going to be. He was hurt, and mostly concerned for my well being. Afraid that I had made enemies with the Volturi.
Esme pulled me into a tight hug as soon as I had entered. The relief to have me home was clear on her face. I was comforted by being back in the big white house by the river. This was my true home.
I could hear Carlisle in his study.
I knew he was concerned that our relations with the Volturi were in jeopardy. I stopped at the door and knocked once before entering.
"Edward, I am so happy to have you back home. You have no idea the worry you put us through."
"I'm sorry. I know it was stupi…." he raise his hand in front of him, cutting me off.
"Don't, we all do stupid things, we all make mistakes. We all are just happy to have you back with us. We wouldn't of known what to do with out you." he smiled happily at me.
"It's just I.." I sighed, I didn't even know the words to describe my feelings.
"Edward I know this had been a tiring last few days for all of us, and probably a very tiring few months for you. Do we have any reason to worry about the Volturi? What will happen if Bella decides against you?"
Just the words the possibility cut me like a knife. "I know it's, I know it can happen. She doesn't have any reason to take me back after this. I don't really expect her to. I mean you saw her, I destroyed her. She was lifeless, because of me."
"She loves you."
"I love her, and I hope that's enough. But if its not. Then there has to be another way. What we promised. I don't even know if I could do it if she wants me back."
"I don't know what's going through your mind or hers. She may still want this Edward, and if she does, then that is something that you will have to discuss. She truly wanted this, all of it. Knowing the cost ahead of time she still wanted this. Sometimes in love you have to trust the other persons judgment."
I tried to smile at him, part of me knew he was right. Eventually it would come to it. immortality or death. The voturi would see to it.
"Promise me, you wont do anything this rash again?"
"I wont there is to much to exist for, Bella is alive and well. I know it was foolish to believe it, but when I called."
"I know. Just promise."
"I promise. Aro wouldn't have done it anyway. He sees me as to valuable. He didn't want to hurt you either. He sends his regards."
"Aro was always fond of me. I am grateful he didn't give you what you wanted. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you, Edward."
"I'm sorry" it was a poor excuse for what I was, but it was still true.
"did he say anything else that we sould be concerned about Bella? Other than the obvious."
"No, he was fascinated by her, slightly confused. Neither himself or Jane can effect her. Just like me its all a mystery."
"Well you and Bella are home safely now. We will deal with the consequences later."
He was hiding something from me. About Bella and the visions Alice had seen.
It was time to return to my love. I had been away from Bella for to long. She would be awakening soon.
I sat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room. Charlie was getting ridiculas now, he repeatedly checked on Bella. Making me duck into the closet several times to escape being seen.
It was late in the day, Bella had been asleep for a while. I was glad she was getting the rest she needed, also surprised she had not had a nightmare, at least not yet. Any normal person would have been screaming in terror from the passing few days, but then again Bella was not normal.
I thought long and hard of all the things I needed to tell her. Begging would most likely have to happen. I would beg on my knees plead for forgiveness. Spend every second trying to prove to her how sorry i was. make her believe the truth, and not the lie.
Had she moved on like I had wanted. Found someone else? Forgotten all about me, and the love we share. Did she no longer want or love me?
could i bare it if that were true? I was deep in thought. Thinking of all the possibilities, the out comes, what I could say and do to prove to her.
She started talking in her sleep. Rolling over to face me.
"Jacob" The word slipped through her lips and cut me into a thousand pieces. Any doubt I had in my mind had now multiplied by a thousand.
She had given up on me.
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