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Chapter 22: Mortality

The moment I closed the half an inch gap between us, I forgot completely about my self control and gave myself away to the moment. Our kiss was not careful, and if I had been thinking like I had used to, I would have pulled myself off of myself for trying such a stunt.

But this was no stunt. I was in complete control. I had never felt more so, and I knew that any protests and arguments Bella had had were now gone. This was confirmed when her hands met my face. My skin tingled under her touch. It felt so good, how I could have ever gotten the will to leave this was completely beyond me.

I felt relief for the first time since Bella woke up. She loved me not the wolf.

I realized that Bella probably needed air, so I reluctantly moved my lips from hers and laid my head against her chest. Her heart beat was erratic and her breathing was heavy.

Everything I had dreamed of the last six months came true in a matter of minutes. I sat there thinking of everything Bella had said before the kiss and realized she still thought I would leave. It was ,my own doing, I had planted the seed of doubt, and I had left before. It would take time to build that trust again, I knew that.

"By the way I'm not leaving you." I waited for her response, some sort of excitement or recognition that this was fact. She sat in silence and I took that as a bad sign. I lifted my head off her chest reluctantly and gazed deeply into her eyes. Trying to read her face. It was impossible.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you." I changed my tone to be more serious so that she would understand the gravity of my words. "I only left in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you, keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted, what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay, thank heavens for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us." I was grateful for that fact. I was not the cause of Bella's dangerous life. Fate played a bigger role in the danger brought upon her than I did. She was still in danger, I just prayed whatever danger lay ahead we could handle it.

"Don't promise me anything." She whispered softly almost as if she didn't mean to say it out loud. Or want to say it. She didn't believe me, and it was my own fault. She had ever reason not to. I was angry, but not at her. I was angry at myself. I had done this, and I would spend the rest of eternity trying to remove it if needed.

"You think I am lying to you now?"

"No, not lying." She paused and shook her head. I wish I knew what was going through her head. It pained me to watch her analyze everything we had. "You could mean it, now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper decides to take another snap at me?" I winced at her last statement. I didn't know how to get past all the bad things that had happened. How would Jasper, my family, live down all the things that had caused me to leave? I wouldn't leave no matter what; even if she kicked me out I would watch over her forever.

"It isn't has if you hadn't thought the first decision through, it is? You'll end up doing what you think is right." She had guessed, there was no way she could have known. Bella was always so observant; I should have expected she would know. It had taken me days to let her go. At first, I wasn't sure if I could really do it but day after day I told myself that I had to for her sake. If only I could show her how hard it was for me. She might understand then. I had some idea of how hard it was for her and it pained me to think about it. The only option I had was to try and explain what my existence was without her, if you could call it an existence. Besides I would never be strong enough to leave again. Bella was my life, she always had been my life. Without her, it wasn't living or existing. It was as if I was gone, just some empty shell left behind.

"I am not as strong as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through one hour. It was only a matter of time, and not much of it, before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that." I would beg, I would plead, I would even gravel if it would make her feel better, if it would make her believe me.

"Be serious, please."

I glared, "Oh, I am. Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" I paused, to read her reaction and determine whether or not she was listening to what I had to say. I watched her expression closely to make sure she knew what I was about to say was important. Hopefully it would make her realize the truth of my words. Allow her to believe me.

"Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything." My existence ended the day I left her and hadn't truly begun again until my lips touched hers. She renewed my reasons for existing. I always knew she was the reason, and I was stupid for giving that up.

She sat for a moment, seemingly arguing with herself. "Your eyes will adjust," she finally mumbled.

"That's just the problem they can't" Why did she have to be difficult? My existence would be nothing but darkness without her, I knew this for sure.

"What about your distractions?"

I laughed to show her how foolish that idea was. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the. the agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

"That's funny," she muttered.

What was she talking about? How on earth was that funny? How could she find my pain funny? Surely she didn't mean that?. I arched an eyebrow in confusion, "Funny?"

"I meant strange I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She inhaled deeply, almost as if to prove her point. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."

I could clearly hear the rhythmic beating of her heart. It was found. I laid my ear against her chest to hear the beating of her heart and to feel her warmth. She had felt the same as I had. She let her cheek fall against my hair and I could hear her breathing in my scent. This was all I ever needed. Lying in her arms, drowning in her warmth was perfection. The twinge of guilt consumed me for a short time, she had felt the same way I had. How horrible. I couldn't even think about the pain of living day to day without Bella. The fact that she had felt the same made the pain that much more unbearable.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" A curious note in her voice.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?"

"No, that was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

"It means, that even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with, Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I tracked her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil, and really she came here." I groaned in frustration at the thought of what could have happened. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears" I couldn't think about what would have happened if Jacob hadn't been protecting Bella when I should have been. I had left her and Victoria, she was so close to hurting my Bella.

"You were hunting Victoria?" Bella shrieked, practically waking Charlie up.

"Not well," she seemed displeased by my efforts but I wouldn't let her down again. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

"That is, out of the question!"

"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after" She tried to hurt Bella and if she had found Bella she would have tortured her.

"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" she interrupted again. "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

I frowned, a snarl building deep within me. I didn't have to track Victoria to kill her. I knew she would be back for Bella, it was to avenge James and she wasn't going to stop until either her or Bella was dead. And it would never be Bella, I vowed to myself.

"I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria" there was that snarl, "is going to die. Soon."

"Let's not be hasty," she said, doing a poor job trying to hide the panic that so easily rang out in her voice. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

I nodded, my eyes narrowing, "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."

She snorted. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

I laughed inside my head. Werewolves were dangerous, temperamental and down right stupid. I refrained from saying anything and instead spoke through my teeth.

"Really? Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

"How about the second greatest?" she asked, something a little off. Instantly I was suspicious, why not the first?

"Alright," I agreed nonetheless, taking what I could get.

"There are others who are coming to look for me," she finally said, in a whisper.

I sighed, she must be talking about the Volturi. That was nothing to worry about, at least not compared to other things. "The Volturi are only the second greatest?"

"You don't seem that upset about it," she noted.

I was going to have to explain this to her, darling Bella, she forgets the way things are for vampires. "Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days." It was true the ninety years before I had met Bella seemed like just a few months. It was different now that I was with her all the time, she made me think about each day, each second. It was almost like I had just began living when Bella came into my life. I continued on in a light, joking tone," I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."

A look of pure horror crossed her face. Uh-oh, had I said something wrong?

I looked at Bella and realized she had tears welling up in her eyes. I wondered if she feared the arrival of the Volturi. They would never find her. I would make sure of that. No one would harm Bella again. Part of me did wonder if that was why she was really crying or if it had something to do with me. I couldn't watch her cry. I wanted to hold her and make all the pain go away.

What could I have said to make Bella cry? I knew the Volturi were scary but I would protect her. "You don't have to be afraid. I won't let them hurt you." I didn't want to see Bella cry. It broke me more and more each time she shed tears over me or the situation I had put her in. the danger was always there, no mater what I did. I couldn't give her an escape.

"While you're here," she said accusingly.

This had to stop. I needed her to understand I would never leave her again. I gently took her face in my hands and stared into the depths of her beautiful brown eyes. "I will never leave you again." Then, as only Bella can do, she shocked me with her words.

"But you said thirty! What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right."

This was the dreaded topic. Not the Volturi wanting her changed or dead, but turning thirty. She wanted me to change her and I couldn't do it. It had caused so many fights before I left and now it started all over again. "That's exactly what I am going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul." I couldn't condemn her to an eternity of damnation. I loved her. I loved her enough to know this was not the life I wanted for her.

"Is this really." She tried to ask something, but it clearly pained her to do so.

"Yes" I tried to coax it from her.

"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?" Tears streamed down Bella's face as she asked these questions. It was hard to see her upset and crying over things so trivial as age. I brushed the tears away gently from her cheeks with my lips.

"That doesn't mean anything to me." I breathed gently on her skin. "You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course." I paused; the next part scared me to say. If she agreed with it I would be broken all over again. "If you outgrew me, if you wanted something more. I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

"You do realize I will die eventually, right?" Bella demanded. She was always so cute when she was angry. I still wished I could have calmed her fears in some small way.

"I'll follow after as soon as I can." It would not be easy but I would find a way to follow her. Existing without her was not option I would choose again.

"That is seriously, sick." Bella was not impressed with this decision.

Bella it is the only right way left" I knew what she wanted but I couldn't do it. I couldn't take her soul.

"Let's just back up for a minute." There was anger in her voice and she seemed to have found strength in that. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm thirty," Bella sounded really angry, she really didn't like the thought of thirty. Note to self never refer to thirty again. Thirty equaled fight, thirty was bad. "Do you really think they'll forget?"

"No," I shook my head, they wouldn't forget. Aro had found a new pet interest and would not let it go. There was always a way around it, there had to be. "They won't forget but."

"But?" The anger flew out of Bella unlike I had ever seen.

"I have a few plans." I said confidently.

"And these plans," her anger grew with every word. She was never this angry when we talked before. "These plans all center around me staying human."

"Naturally." I was more than capable of out smarting the Volturi. She highly underestimated me and her tone was getting to me. We stared at each other for a long moment. Then Bella pushed my arms away and sat up. I was startled by her response and afraid it was all too much for her. Would she leave? Choice differently now?

"Do you want me to leave?" I knew I didn't hide the pain on my face well when I asked this question. I didn't want to be away from her.

"No, I'm leaving." I watched her fumble from the bed in search of her shoes. What was she up to? I had a very bed feeling about this.

"May I ask where you are going?"

"I'm going to your house." My house? Maybe she wanted to talk with Alice. I couldn't imagine another reason for her retreating to my house of all places.

I moved to her side and found her shoes. The last thing I wanted her to do was wake Charlie up. "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?'

"My truck." She obviously hadn't thought this through. All that noise would alert Charlie of her escape.

"That will probably wake Charlie."

"I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?" Bella wasn't looking at the whole picture. If it had to do with me Charlie would blame me. He already hated that fact that I was back in Forks never mind near Bella. He would seriously come after me if Bella fled one more time on my account.

"None. He'll blame me not you."

"If you have a better idea I'm all ears." Something was possessing Bella. There was a reason for this behavior that I was unaware of and I started to get the felling it had nothing to do with Alice. I had to talk some sense into her. What was she up to?

"Stay here." It was simple enough and I could always hope that she would actually listen to me for a change.

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home." She was teasing me. It is strange how comfortable we were in each others presence after everything we had been through. I loved this and yet I didn't want her to go to my house. She was angry but yet it intrigued me. I had to try and persuade her to stay. She made a move for the door but I was much faster and blocked her way. Bella then decided that the window might be a feasible escape route. My mind conjured up horrible visions of Bella trying to climb out the window. I caved. There was nothing that would stop her.

"Okay," I sighed heavily in defeat, "I'll give you a ride."

"Either way," Bella seemed indifferent to my offer. "But you probably should be there, too."

Bella had an ominous tone to her voice. Something was definitely up and I was missing it. "And why is that?"

"Because you are extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views." I really didn't like where this was going. There was really only one thing I could think of that I would have such a strong opinion on.

"My views on which subject?" My teeth were clenched as I spoke in preparation for the answer I knew would follow.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know." This was definitely not going in a good direction. And what did she mean I wasn't the center of the universe, when had I been the center of the universe. "If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say." No, no, no, my mind screamed knowing exactly where this was headed and not liking it one bit. She could be so stubborn. Why must she fight me on this.

I spoke each word distinctly in order to remain calm. "A say in what?"

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote." No! My mind screamed in rebuttal. I didn't argue though for fear of breaking our still fragile relationship. It would be fine, my family knew how I felt about changing her they would support me. Right? I could appease her and win this fight all at the same time. I knew that my face did not hide the displeasure I felt. I quickly picked Bella up in my arms and leapt out the window. I would win this battle.

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