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Chapter 23: The floor is yours

"All right then, up you go." The disapproval was clear in my voice and I made no attempt to hide it. I helped Bella onto my back then took off running. It was amazing how wonderful it felt to have Bella's arms around me while running through the blackness of the night. Everything was rushing by in a blur and then Bella did the most amazing thing, she pressed her lips to my neck. It was amazing the sensations the smallest touch could induce.

"Thank you. Does that mean you've decided your awake?" She laughed. The beautiful sound eased what few fears I had. This would work, it had to.

"Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight."

"I'll earn your trust back somehow even if it's my final act." I had to. Every time I heard the doubt in Bella's voice it brought the pain and the guilt back. I had changed her, not in the way she wanted, but enough that it was noticeable to anyone who knew her. She trusted no one, not even herself and I had caused that.

"I trust you, it's me I don't trust."

"Explain that, please." She had confused me. I had given her no sound reason to trust me again and yet she trusted me before she trusted herself. The house was close by and I slowed down so that she could finish explaining. I wanted to hear what she had to say on this matter and part of me wanted to postpone the talk we were about to have with my family.

"Well." Bella struggled with the words she wanted to use. "I don't trust myself to be, enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could hold you." Nothing about her that could hold me, everything about her bonded me to her forever. She never saw herself clearly. Her beauty alone was enough to captivate almost anyone then add in all the things that I found special, her warmth, and the soft lines of her body and of course her blush. Her soft lips. Everything about her, called out to me. The numerous thoughts coming from the many guys at school alone were enough to make anyone see there was something about Bella. But she never saw herself clearly. Apparently that fact had not changed while I was away. I reached around and gently pulled her from my back. I held Bella tightly to my chest.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable. Never doubt that." I realized then that Bella had never told me what her greatest problem was and it was becoming clearer to me what it might be. I decided now was as good a time as any to ask. "You never did tell me." It was harder than I thought to say the words. I feared the answer more than I had originally thought.

"What?"

"What your greatest problem is."

"I'll give you one guess." She sighed heavily and reached up to gently touch her finger tip to my nose.

I nodded. I knew this would be the answer but I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting. "I'm worse than the Volturi. I guess I've earned that." Bella rolled her eyes at me.

"The worst the Volturi can do is kill me." I watched her with tense eyes, what could I possibly do that was worse than kill her and this was something I could possibly do if I wasn't mindful every moment I was with her. "You can leave me. The Volturi, Victoria, they're nothing compared to that." My face contorted involuntarily to reflect that agony I felt. She feared me leaving more than death. If I were to find anything good in that fact it would be that I knew for certain her love for me was deeper than I could have imagined. Only the fear of losing true love would make death inconsequential.

"Don't," Bella whispered trying to console me. "Don't be sad." I raised the corner of my lips trying to put her mind at ease but it didn't make either one of us feel better.

"If there was only some way to make you see that I can't leave you. Time, I suppose, will be the way to convince you."

"Okay." Bella agreed to this. She was willing to let me try. I could live with that. I would put everything I had into making her smile on the daily basis. I wanted to take her on vacation somewhere she'll remember for the rest of her life, shower her with presents that I knew she would never except, there were so many things I wanted to do. I wanted to hold her in my arms every night and to be honest I just wanted more. Bella had agreed to time and that was the best thing she could have offered me.

"So since you're staying. Can I have my stuff back?"

I laughed at the memory. It was one of the few from that day that didn't destroy me at the thought. I hid them I couldn't help myself. I wanted her to feel my presence as ridiculous as that may seem. "Your things were never gone." Bella's face looked shocked, in a pleasant way, as I admitted this. "I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets-they're all under your floorboards."

"Really?" I nodded in response to Bella. I found some small joy in the fact that Bella liked that I had left her reminders even if they were hidden.

"I think," she contemplated, "I'm not sure, but I wonder, I think maybe I knew the whole time." What did she know exactly? Did she finally figure out that I loved her no matter what I said?

"What did you know?" I asked hoping to finally have her realize the depth if my love.

"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices." Did she say she was hearing voices? This was something I hadn't known and I was very curious to know what it was all about.

"Voices?" I said flatly. What could possible make her hear voices?

"Well, just one voice. Yours. It's a long story." She heard my voice. I was very curious what prompted her to hear my voice. What sort of psychological break had I caused her? I had done so much more damage than I had previously thought. She wasn't going to get away with not telling me what had happened to cause her to hear voices.

"I've got time." I said evenly to hide my concern.

"It's pretty pathetic." I waited patiently for her to continue. She was uncertain of how to tell me, that much was clear.

"Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?" How could I forget all the dangerous things she had done while I was away.

"You jumped off a cliff for fun." I tried to keep my voice steady.

"Er, right. Before that with the motorcycle.."

""Motorcycle?" I knew nothing about motorcycle and I was beginning to have trouble hiding my concern. The thought of Bella on a motorcycle terrified me.

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

"No." This ought to be good. Bella was now completely uncomfortable talking about this and she hid more things from me. I was worried this was going to be bad.

"Well, about that, See, I found that, when I was doing something dangerous or stupid, I could remember you more clearly." Bella wasn't looking at me as if she were ashamed of what she was saying. "I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much. it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt." She was speaking so quickly. I couldn't believe what she was saying. "And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all, I always new that you hadn't stopped loving me."

She had done all this, put her life in constant danger, just to hear my voice. This may have been worse than everything else put together, the nightmares, the friendship with Jacob, it was nothing compared to her doing dangerous, crazy things to hear my voice. I could barely speak. I was gripped with a pain I thought I had buried. "You…were…risking your life…to hear…"

"Shh," she interrupted me. She had a look of dawning on her face like something had suddenly become very clear. Maybe she realized I wasn't worth all the things she had done. "Hold on a second. I think I am having an epiphany here." Bella continued to look deep in thought as if she were trying to figure something out.

"Oh!"

"Bella?" Her response was so odd.

"Oh. Okay. I see." She still wasn't making any sense and it made me nervous.

"Your epiphany?" My voice was uneven when I spoke giving away my insecurity.

"You love me," the words were like music to my ears. Bella sounded marveled at the fact that this could be true. A crooked smile played across my lips.

"Truly, I do." Finally Bella understood. I am not sure what made her realize it but I was grateful. I took Bella's face in my hands and pressed my lips firmly to hers. I kissed her has deeply as possible without losing complete control. I could feel the warmth from her lips spread through my body. I released her with great reluctance and rested my forehead on hers. To my surprise Bella was not the only one breathing heavy. Even though I didn't need to breath Bella managed to take my breath away. It was time for more confessions on my part. "You were better at it than I was, you know."

"Better at what?" Bella asked with a confused look on her face.

"Surviving. You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was, totally useless. I couldn't be around my family, I couldn't be around anyone. I am embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me. It was more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too." If Bella only knew just how truly awful it was for me. I was pathetic, everything she did paled in comparison to my lack of will to exist. She at least functioned, I couldn't even do that. She was so much stronger than I could ever be. I looked at Bella lovingly. She didn't seem disturbed my confession if anything she seemed comforted.

"I only heard one voice," she corrected me playfully.

I laughed and pulled her to my side, leading her forward. It was time to bring her to my family for this ridiculous idea of voting on her mortality. "I'm just humoring you with this." I motion forward, with my free hand, toward the house. "It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say." My family would not vote against my wishes. Bella was my responsibility. I had brought her into this. My family had followed my wishes before and there was no reason for them to change now. I had made a bad choice when I decided that leaving Bella was the right thing to do. They didn't agree with me, especially Alice, but they followed my wishes. They would do the same now. They understood I couldn't take her soul. I said these things to reassure myself in some small way that I was right. I had to be right. They wouldn't disobey my wishes. Would they?

"This affects them now, too." I shrugged indifferently. We entered the house and I turned on the lights.

In a normal tone I called for family. "Carlisle? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?" They would hear and to be honest I was surprised Alice wasn't waiting at the door for us. She must have seen this coming. Carlisle was the first to arrive in the living room.

"Welcome back, Bella," he smiled at her, truly happy to have his family back together. "What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, this is not purely a social visit?" Indeed it was not. I hoped the others would soon be down so we could get this over with.

"I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important." Bella looked up at me to see what my expression was. Carlisle was already bombarding me with questions. I just nodded my head, ignoring all of the is everything ok questions. Of course everything was ok. Bella loved me still and we would get past this need of hers to be condemned to a life of damnation. It wouldn't happen, I wouldn't allow it.

"Of course," Carlisle replied. "Why don't we talk in the other room?" Carlisle led us to the dining room. Carlisle then pulled out the chair at the head of the table for Bella to sit in. As soon as Bella was sitting the rest of the family was filing into the dining room. Alice was grinning from ear to ear, she definitely knew what was going on. The others however were full of questions. What is going? Jasper was curious about the impromptu meeting. Edward, I hope this is happy news? Esme was always in the role of mother. Edward, is she angry with me? Rosalie was concerned that Bella had realized everything was her fault and had come to make her pay for it. It just showed how little Rosalie knew of Bella's character. Carlisle finally started the family meeting. Family, Bella was my family and she was human. It's hard to believe this was all possible. I hoped It would just stay that way. I couldn't damn her to life like this. I would not allow her to change.

"The floor is yours."

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