Answers

Barney went to church.

Nobody went to church anymore, which he thought was a sad indictment on their modern culture. Certainly no zombies went to church.

He, however, thought it was time he had a serious chat with the big guy.

"Yo," he said with a tilt of his head at the life-size wood carving of Jesus on the cross. He caught himself, pressed his palms together and smiled awkwardly. "Sorry Bro." He cleared his throat. He didn't need to clear his throat because, hello, no phlegm. But it was a human reflex brought on by nerves.

"So," he said with a sigh. "Questions…" He bit his lip. "And I think you owe me some answers, dude. You owe me big time. And you seem like the guy who pays his debts." Barney shut his eyes tight for a moment, until his vision went from grey to red.

"First… why am I the only one… the only dead guy… who isn't out rampaging? Why am I the only one with all my marbles intact?" He thought about this and corrected himself. "-most of my marbles intact."

"Second… where was I before I woke up in that coffin? Because I'm pretty sure that your name wasn't the one I was cussin' when I bit the big one." He grinned. "In fact, I'm pretty sure I was asking Scherbatsky to marry me again." He chuckled. "Does that count as an act of self sacrifice and love? Cos that would look pretty cool on my tombstone."

His expression changed. "And thirdly…" He cleared his throat, his tongue suddenly feeling too thick in his mouth. "Thirdly, how much longer does this go on? This…" He tilted his head. "You know what I mean. The pain… the fucking goddamn pain… no insult intended. The fucking hunger… Sometimes when I'm laying next to her I forget myself and I worry that one day she's gonna wake up to a house full of dead friends." He shudders. "I can't even drink to numb any of it. They keep pumping me full of that shit…" He drops his forehead on to the tips of his fingers for a moment, taking a moment, before looking back up to heaven.

"That's it. Three questions. Pretty simple, yeah? Go!"

He slowly closed his eyes and he sat there for long minutes, fingers pressed tightly together, brow furrowed into ridges of concentration.

After a while he opened his eyes and grinned brightly.

"Awesome. Thanks buddy!" He said, springing out of the pew. "Never let me down yet!"

And he left the empty church with a jaunty walk.