Chapter 2
The next morning had not changed from the first. Donna was still only yelling at me and I continued to ignore her. But unlike yesterday, my morning went by like a dream. I was there, but I wasn't there. I was listening, but I wasn't listening. These kinds of days happened often, my friends made nothing of them. I liked the silent thoughts that ran through my head sometimes, and when I did want to think about things, I was glad that my friends left me alone to think of them.
At the end of the day, I finally made it to my locker. I was in a daze as I opened it and took out my book bag.
"How was your day?"
I jumped and looked up to see Ian.
"Oh, I'm sorry, did I scare you?"
"No blood, no foul. You didn't scare, just startled. I didn't hear you coming."
"Yeah, I've been told that I am a very quiet walker."
"This is true." I smiled at him and turned back to my bag. I finished putting all my books and folders and notebooks in it and then I tried to close it. I had so much homework today, that I was scared that I wouldn't be able to close it, and I had some difficulties until Ian said, "Do you need help with that?"
I looked up at him and then down at my bag. I smiled sympathetically. "Yeah, kinda."
He took the bag from my hands, moved some things around inside, and then closed it with ease. He handed it back to me.
"Thanks, I don't know if I would have been able to close that on my own." We laughed together, just a light laugh, not very loud.
I started walking to the doors and I was stopped by one of my friends, Sami.
She looked at me for a while, and then she said, "Who was that?"
I could tell that she was trying not to seem interested, but I knew very well that she was. "That was Ian," I answered.
"Oh, is he new or something?" She asked nonchalantly.
"Yes, this was his second day."
"Oh." She looked at my face. I was staring straight ahead, but I could see her out of the corner of my eye.
"Is he nice?" She asked, looking straight ahead also.
"Yes, I think so. He has been nice to me, at least."
"What do you think of him?"
I closed my eyes. Exactly what I thought she was thinking. "I don't need a guy in my life right now, Sami, you know that. I'm not going to be here after just a few months. I won't be able to afford it anymore."
Her face fell as I said the words, but I could tell that she knew that I was right.
"I know," she finally said.
I sighed. "I have to go; Donna is going to be enraged with me as it is. I've probably 'kept her waiting' for about a good minute now." I rolled my eyes.
"Ok, I'll talk to you tomorrow, Kelsey."
"Yeah, bye." I waved to her as I walked out the doors to find a really irritated Donna sitting in the van right in front.
I sighed and rolled my eyes again as I got into the car.
"What were you doing? I was about to come in there and get you, and you know that I hate doing that. I was more starting to lean toward leaving you." I let her go on and on with her useless tirade as I paid no mind, ignoring her, which probably enraged her even more.
I was too busy thinking of how much happier I would be when I didn't have to deal with this anymore. I wouldn't have to deal with any of it. It would all be behind me after these few short months went by. The only thing I would have to worry about is Krista. No matter what she chose, I would always have to worry about my baby sister.
That night, she crawled into my bed and asked me to tell her a story. This only happened if she ever worried about something. Usually I didn't ask her what the problem was, because she would just tell me, without me having to ask. So I told her a story, and when the story was finished, she told me what she was worrying about.
I told her not to worry about it, like I always did. She didn't need to worry about anything. I would always be there to help her and sooth her. I would always comfort her when she wanted me to.
I didn't quite understand what she was worried about, she couldn't seem to be able to speak clearly enough for me to understand what she was saying, but just having me there made her feel more comfortable and my soothing words helped too.
Soon she fell asleep in my arms when I had comforted her enough so that she would finally stop crying. I wished that I could fall asleep with her, but my thoughts were racing. I wouldn't be able to sleep in a while. I was thinking about my future, the future I had planned out. But I was also thinking about the future that might happen if I stayed here.
That future didn't go much father than my unhappiness. I didn't even know why I was thinking about it. It must have been just because I knew how much I would miss Sami. She would be the only one that I would miss, I was sure of it. I wouldn't let anyone else creep into my head so much that I would miss them. That would only keep me here longer. And I knew that I didn't want that.
Sometime in the middle of the night, my thoughts became dreams, dreams of my two possible futures. First was the future that I had had planned out since I first came to the orphanage, it was supposed to be my happy future, but it seemed dismal and lonely. Though, in the dream, I still had Krista, I was still very lonely; it felt almost like there was something, someone, missing.
At least I had a house of my own, or actually, I think it was an apartment, but I still was able to get a roof over our heads. But I wasn't happy and I didn't understand why.
But then, suddenly, it changed. The whole dream changed all at once. I was suddenly at school. I was so much happier than I was in the other world.
I didn't understand it. This was obviously my other future, the future that was supposed to be completely empty and lifeless, but I was really happy to be staying at school and with Donna. It didn't make any sense to me.
I was sitting next to Sami and I was actually talking to everyone at the table. Usually I just sat and talked with Sami or I would read the time away. Why was this so different?
Then everyone at the table started to giggle and look behind me. I started to slowly turn around, but that was when I was awakened by Donna's horrible screaming of my name. And so the daily routine started again. I sighed as I rolled out of bed, shaking my sister lightly next to me so she would wake up too.
She blinked lazily at me.
"It's time to get up, sweetie," I said soothingly. I rubbed her arm until she finally got out of the bed and started getting ready herself.
"How are you feeling today, Krista?"
"I'm ok," she mumbled sleepily.
"That's good," I answered.
I walked into the bathroom, combed through my hair and brushed my teeth, going through the dream in my head again, still trying to make sense of it, but it wasn't happening.
I was glad when I was finally done and I was earlier than usual, this meant that I could think in silence while I waited for the others to finish up.
My dream puzzled me so much. Why was the one that was supposed to be the horrible future, so vibrant and happy in my dream? It didn't make sense. I knew I would be alone when I left the orphanage, and I knew it would be hard, but I never guessed that the life that I had now would be better than that life. It made me really scared to find out what might happen in that life. I was taking second thoughts. That wasn't good.
When we got to the school, I did something that I usually never do; I sat and listened to the others talk. I didn't know why I was doing this, it made me scared to think of the reasons, but I was listening to their conversation, I didn't say anything, but I listened. I didn't let myself think too much into my reasons; I was too scared of them.
I saw Sami look at me from the corner of her eye and I knew she was wondering what I was doing. If she ever asked, I would have to think of a reason to tell her, maybe one that I could believe myself, instead of telling her the real reason.
It seemed like only seconds had passed and the final bell rang for first period. I dragged into the life of school. We all hated it, it was normal for a kid to feel that way, but I didn't hate it quite as much as the rest of them did. I knew my time here was more limited than theirs was, so I respected the time I had. I tried to get the best grades that I could because I knew I would need those all too soon. Sadly, I wasn't even going to finish high school. I was going to be close, but I didn't think I was going to be able to finish it. I wouldn't be able to pay for it anymore.
Before I knew it, it was lunch already. Today I decided to sit at my own table, hoping that I would be able to sit there and think some more. I glanced at Sami as I walked by. She looked at me quizzically, but she let it go, she knew when I needed time to think, I liked her for that.
No one usually paid any mind to my little group, much less me, so I was surprised when I heard someone sit down next to me. I looked up at the person, half expecting it to be a prep to come bug me and tease me for 'not having any friends', but then I saw Ian sitting next to me.
I looked at him for a minute and blinked, trying to make him disappear, but he didn't. My face became quizzical.
"I'm sorry; did you not want me to sit with you? I'll leave."
"No, its ok," I said just before he got up. "I just wasn't expecting it."
"Oh, sorry, I just wanted to sit with you, you looked lonely."
"Thanks. I feel kind of lonely."
"Well then why are you sitting here instead of with your friends?"
"Because I kind of needed to think to myself a little."
"Oh, I'm sorry; I'm disturbing that, aren't I?"
"No, its ok, I was kind of finished. I guess it was just the shock."
"What were you thinking about?"
"My plans."
"Your plans for what?"
"My life."
"I don't understand what you mean. You have plans for your life?"
"Yes, I've had the same plan since I was sent to the orphanage at the age of ten."
"You live at the orphanage?"
I paused. I did not mean to tell him that, it just sort of slipped out, just like everything else had. I guess I wasn't really paying attention to the conversation as much as I should have been.
"Yeah, I do. My parents died in a car accident."
"Oh, that's sad, I'm sorry."
"No, its fine. I mean, I miss them, but I was able to put it behind me a long time ago. No blood, no foul, right?"
"Yeah, I guess. So what is your plan?"
Dang it, I was hoping he would have forgotten about that little slip. It made me mad that now I had to tell him.
"I'm leaving," I whispered.
"You're what?"
"I'm leaving," I whispered again, I didn't want to say it again, not to him. It felt wrong to tell him that I was leaving, I didn't understand that. I could barely even whisper it to him. It just felt completely out of place coming from my mouth. I caught myself wondering why I was saying the words, but I banished it before I could answer it.
"You're leaving?"
"Yes," I breathed.
"Why?"
"That is a long story that will have to be saved for another time. It is about time for the late bell."
He looked at the clock behind him. "Oh, I guess it is." He turned back to me. "Will you tell me the story at your locker after school?"
"That depends on how fast Donna gets here." I rolled my eyes.
He gave me a quizzical look.
"I'll try to tell you at our lockers." I got up and walked out the door.
Sami was waiting for me there, great. She smiled when she saw me, and I rolled my eyes.
When I finally met her at the door she said, "So what was that all about? Did you go over there especially so he could sit next to you?"
"No, I went over there to think. He came over because he thought I looked alone."
"So he wanted to give you some company; that is so sweet." She smiled again.
"Sure, I don't care. I'm leaving in a few months, wait, I think it is only one… I can't remember."
"You can't remember? You were counting down the days in your head, I know you were. What happened?"
"Nothing, leave me alone, I have to get to class."
"Ok, whatever." And with that, we went our separate ways to our separate classes.
Before I knew it, I was at my locker again for the end of the school day. I noticed Ian walked up to his locker out of the corner of my eye and I quickly finished gathering my things.
"Hey, Kelsey. Do you think you have enough time to tell me that story now?"
"I have to go wait outside, otherwise I'll miss her, but I think I might have time," I answered; I really didn't want to tell him about any of this. I sighed as we walked out to the parking lot where I had to wait for Donna. I sat on the closest bench to us, it was blue, one of the school colors which were blue and gold. It was the middle of spring, and everything looked so green and vibrant, kind of like my dream… but I wasn't here to think about that, I was here to talk about my plan, my plan for leaving.
Ian sat next to me and waited for me to say something.
"My plan for leaving, right? That's what you wanted to know?"
"I wanted to know why you wanted to leave."
"Oh, right. That would be because of many reasons. For one, I don't like her. I hate Donna, the caretaker, or so you could call her, to me she is nothing but an ugly woman with no life of her own."
"Why do you hate her so much?"
"I hated her first, and then she hated me because I wasn't like the others, I didn't listen to whatever she said like they did. All they wanted was to get adopted, but I don't. I swore to myself that I wouldn't get adopted, I wouldn't let anyone say that they were my parents. No one could replace them, and I won't let anyone try."
"So you want to leave because you don't want anyone to replace your parents, and you hate your caretaker?"
"Yes," I whispered. It was still so hard to tell him that I was leaving him. That was just it, I was leaving him. I couldn't leave him, it seemed physically and mentally impossible now. I was falling in love with him.
Suddenly I heard the honk of Donna's van and my head jerked up to look at it. She was just coming into the parking lot.
I looked back at Ian. I couldn't tell what I was feeling; they were all mixed up inside me. I was lucky that I was able to speak. "I have to go." My voice broke. I started to get up to leave but he grabbed my wrist.
"Wait, when are you leaving?" He asked.
"My birthday is in about a month. I can't leave now, only when I'm eighteen."
"You're still here for a month? Ok." He said.
I almost cried right there. I wanted to run into his arms and tell him that I wasn't going anywhere, I was where I belonged, but I couldn't. I knew what I needed to do. I had always said that no one would make me stay with this life.
"Bye." My voice cracked again.
"Bye," he answered and let go of my hand.
I ran to the van and got in quickly, ignoring the jibs from Donna and sitting quietly, concentrating on not crying.
I couldn't focus on my homework that night. I couldn't even really see the pages, but I finished it, meaning they were all wrong. After homework was finished, I had some chores to do and then I went to bed, laying there, just thinking. Trying to figure out my feelings.
I was pretty sure that I understood what the dream meant now, I was happy in this life because I had found the one that I wanted to be with.
In that one instant when I figured it out, my whole perspective on life had changed. Maybe it wasn't so bad to stay here for the rest of the school year. No, there was something wrong with it. I didn't want to get involved with this; I didn't need to be hurt again. I could handle the month, but nothing farther than that. And that is my decision.