After a few months of practice, I still hadn't mastered the art of self control. I was trying to learn something that had taken my family, my mother being the only exception, decades to learn. I had to completely avoid the temptation of human blood. The problem was that once I caught the scent, I wasn't myself anymore. I was a monster. I grew more and more frustrated, which as Carlisle pointed out numerous times, was only making things harder. Another part of being a Cullen was the ability to control ones temper. Although everyone slipped up every now and then, I found myself lunging at people for innocent jokes made at mine or Jacobs expense. My father suggested removing Jacob from the picture was the only way to ensure I obtained the level of self restraint I was seeking. I wasn't sure if he was being completely honest though, and the only person who could provide any insight on that, was blind with Jacob around. Jacob had kept to himself moreso than usual. At least, he'd kept from me. He'd been my tackle sack one to many times, so he stayed close to my mother, who preferred not to watch me attempt to murder my family. She was also the only one who really enjoyed Jacob's company as much as I did.
"Ya know Jake, I'm still having trouble picturing you as my…. Son-in-law… " my mother chuckled.
"Weird huh? Imagine what Charlie is going to think…" Jake joked. The realization set in though, the way this situation looked to us was completely different to how Charlie would see it. He knew there was some supernatural phenomenon that existed, but he had requested everything he was informed of to be on 'need to know' basis only. Jacob was the only exception to that. My grandfather knew exactly what Jacob was, although he chose to ignore it. Charlie was also growing increasingly impatient with the delay of our visit. My change from half human to the undead had put a damper in our plans to visit him, and until I was able to resist killing him, he'd stay in the dark.
It was about two in the morning when I finally gave up and stormed into the house, blood splashed over the new clothes Alice had bought me.
"Oh man, I loved that sweater!" Alice complained. "That will never wash out…"
"I can't do it anymore! I'm done. I can't resist them.. they smell too damn good!" I yelled. I was more frustrated than normal. Today, I caught the scent of a few men camping by the river. If it hadn't been for Emmett, they would have been killed. I did give them quite the fright though when I wandered into their campsite, pretending to be lost. They were hypnotized by my beauty, which was just another implication of being a vampire. Emmett had picked up my scent and followed me when I didn't return to our meeting spot on time, and found me sitting close to one of the gentlemen by the fire, waiting for my turn to bat (so to speak). If he would have been three seconds later, I'd have either hit a homerun or struck out, depending on how you looked at it.
"Oh sweet heart, you can't quit. You've been doing so well" my mother coaxed.
"Really? I don't see you trying to seduce hikers so you can eat them. I don't see you faultering mom. I don't see anyone else screw up except for me. I can't do this. I don't have the restraint. It hurts to much to control it."
"Ness… I know this is not easy. Believe me, I went through a period of time where I even tried to justify the people I killed. Kiling a human is something you don't forget. Something you don't truly forgive yourself for, no matter how evil the person may be. Think of Charlie. You miss him yes?" My father asked.
"Yes"
"Well.. the harder you practice into restraining your temper and controlling your actions, the sooner we can go for a visit"
I noticed he didn't say "the sooner you and Jacob can get married". A tiny part of him still hoped I'd call the wedding off. Not a chance in hell though. Even with Jacob avoiding me, he couldn't stay away long enough to even make me think of cancelling our engagement. This blood thirsty phase would pass.. eventually. Rushing the process is what made me so aggravated all the time. I would have to spend more time practicing if I were to get better. Which I had to do. I had to see Charlie.
"Ness, you'll figure it out" Alice said confidently. Once I'd made up my mind this was something I could do, my future had become all to clear to her.
"How long Alice?" I asked.
"That part is still fuzzy, I guess you haven't made up your mind on that yet" Alice shrugged.
"Oh.." I said. I spent the rest of the night attempting to make my decision so Alice could see the future. All I did was give her and myself a headache. It was hopeless, like everyone else, I'd have to wait it out.