Dear Isobel:
I am so glad that you had decided to respond to my original letter. I was afraid that you had signed me off. Your explanation touched my heart. I am sorry to hear that you were attacked, especially that you were attacked by someone you knew and loved at the time. I understand that must have been traumatic enough, but then to find out you were pregnant from the ordeal…I couldn't imagine. I am glad, however, that you decided to see the pregnancy through. You gave me a chance at life, even if it wasn't a life with you. For so long now, I had imagined the worst possible stories behind what happened and why you had given me up. I suppose it was probably because it was easier to think of bad reasons of why you gave me up than good ones.. My heart would have wept for you to think of stories about how much you really wanted me all along…just knowing that you wouldn't be able to contact me until I was old enough. I hope that doesn't sound too selfish. I do not mean it that way. This is just my insight on what was going on in my subconscious mind. Deep down, I know that I had always hoped you were still thinking of me every once in awhile. Deep down, I had always wanted to just "know"…know you, know my story. I have always braced myself for the worst possible situation, but I am glad to know that you at least cared. I could have been forgotten. I could have searched you out, and you could have turned me away. You could have spent years scorning the thought of me or totally banishing me from your mind, never wanting to see or talk to me. The fact that you were willing to write back to me speaks volumes. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Hannah
Dear Hannah:
I will fully admit that I never really openly discussed you with anyone. My closest friends, the ones I went through internship and residency with, didn't even know you existed. My best friend at the time of your hospitalization, George, and resident above me, Dr. Bailey, were the only two people who knew. That is not to say that I did not personally think about you, and it was not that I was ashamed either…not of you anyways. Sometimes I was ashamed of myself. I thought about you a lot, actually. I still remember and honor your birthday each and every year. I first go to the cemetery to place flowers on the grave of your baby brother. Then, I go down to the waterfront and place petals into the water to symbolize me setting you free and sending you good fortune and luck. Do I regret my decision to give you up for adoption ever? Yes, sometimes, but like I said in my previous letter, I just ultimately knew you would have a better life with your parents. Medical school was hard. Internship and residency was even harder. I would have never been around. You would have spent a lot of time in daycare or with a nanny. That would have been no life for you. I was young, inexperienced, and had barely enough money to take care of myself. I just wanted to stress the fact that you were never actually forgotten. I always wished you the best in life including all of the stuff I could not have given you. To prove to you that I always had your best interests in mind, there is a college fund waiting for you at my local bank. My fiancé passed away and left me with a great sum of money. The majority of it I took and put into funding the memorial clinic here at the hospital, but a small portion of it got put into this college fund in case you ever decided to seek me out. However, before I would even consider giving you any money, I would want to know more about you…to know that the money is going into good hands.
Please write back. I would always love to hear from you.
Sincerely,
Isobel Stevens, MD