Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable!
A/N: well there has been a lot of talk about why Olivia is pushing Elliot away... well all I can say is that if you keep reading you will soon find out all that you want to know
Elliot walked into the house through the back door. He threw his keys on the counter and went straight to the refrigerator. He grabbed a beer and shut the door. When he turned around he saw Kathy sitting at the table. Alone. With all the lights off. Elliot looked at his watch. It was one o'clock in the morning.
Kathy still hadn't said anything to him. She just sat there in the dark moving the food she had on her plate with her fork. There was another plate with food on the opposite side of the table. He knew it was for him.
Here we go again, he thought to himself. Another fight.
"What took you so long?" She said with out looking at him.
"I was at the hospital." he said in a low tone.
"At one in the morning?"
"Yes at one in the morning," he said raising his voice more.
"Well I know that you weren't there on a case because you wouldn't be home yet. So what happened?" She asked looking at him. She didn't really care for the reason. She just wanted to hear his excuse. His excuse to spend more time with his beloved Olivia.
"Kathy I don't want to get into this I haven't had a very good day."
"No Elliot I want to know what was so important you couldn't even be here for dinner." she said at almost a yell.
"Olivia was shot. I was there with her." Elliot said shouting back.
Kathy looked surprised. Almost like she cared. "Is she ok?"
"Shes alive if that's what you mean."
"Where was she shot?"
"The abdomen. It went straight through and severed a nerve in her back."
"Is she paralyzed?"
"No. She will just have to learn how to walk all over again. Her legs aren't reading the movements that her brain is sending. She has movement just not trained movement. So she has to go through a lot of physical therapy. Why are you acting like you care?"
"Elliot I'm not the bitch everyone thinks I am. I do care about Olivia. I just don't understand how there are things you can share with her that you cant share with me."
"She is my partner. I don't want to bring work home with me Kathy. In my line of work you have to have someone you can talk to."
"You can talk to me Elliot." Kathy shouted.
"No I cant."
"Why?" Kathy began to cry.
"Because Kathy I don't feel a connection with you anymore." Elliot shouted back.
"What did you say?"
"I think we should get a divorce." He said in almost a whisper.
"Elliot what are you saying?"
"I'm not happy Kathy. You're not happy. Why should we keep pretending that we are?"
"Because we are married. We are married Elliot."
"I know that. Don't you think I know that? Its all I think about. Its all that runs through my head. I love you Kathy. I just don't love you like I should. I should never think of a divorce. And yet today when I was at work. I knew that I was going to start a fight just by walking in the door. Kathy its like this everyday. I come home at 7 and I get 'what Olivia wasn't at work today?' I come home at 10 'what did you do go out with Olivia.' she is my partner Kathy get over it." He was shouting again.
"So you want a divorce so that you don't have to answer to me anymore?" She asked crying.
"No I want a divorce because you are not happy. I'm not happy and that in turn makes the kids unhappy and I want nothing more than for my family to be happy. I do love you Kathy. I would still lay my life on the line if it meant that you would have one second of happiness. But I am not in love with you the way that a husband should be in love with his wife."
"Why?"
"Because I'm in love with Olivia." He said feeling guilty admitting it to her. She was his wife. She was with him throughout everything. Never once did she turn her back on him. And now he was turning his back on her.
Kathy looked taken back. She was no longer crying but her cheeks and nose were red, and her face was still wet. "Have you slept with her?"
"No. but the feelings are there Kathy. I cant help it. I have never told her until today." He was looking at his hands. He couldn't look her in the eyes. He couldn't stand to see the hurt.
"Elliot, you probably just felt guilty because she got shot. That's all. You don't love her." Kathy said in a pleading manner.
"Kathy I told her before she was shot." Elliot said looking at her.
There was silence.
There it is, he thought to himself, that look. The one that I was avoiding. How could I have done this to her? Why do I have to love Olivia? You cant help who you love. I really don't want to hurt Kathy. I love her. But I'm not in love with her. I want to be. She is my wife. I made a vow to God to love her for the rest of my life. But how can you help that you have fallen out of love with someone? How can you help the fact that you love someone else? We were just kids when we got married. If it wasn't for Maureen we wouldn't have been married. She deserved better than that. She deserves to be happy. I know that she is unhappy in this marriage. And I just want to do the right thing. And right now the right thing for both of us is to be divorced. As much as I love her and my family we are all better off if this goes through.
"I see." Kathy finally spoke. "After all that we have been through? After all that we have overcome. All that we had together? You are just going throw that away for some tramp?"
"Don't you talk about her like that!" Elliot shouted. "This is not her fault! She is not the one that is stuck in this marriage. Kathy I cant help that I fell for her." He got silent for a moment then continued, "I didn't want to. When I said till death do us part I meant that, at that time. But things change. People change. Life changes. And so do marriages. And this marriage has changed. And I'm not happy in it and I'm done with it. I'll pack my things and I'll stay in a motel until I can find something else. You can have the house. I'm fine with that. You can have the car that I bought for you. Kathy this is not me saying I don't love you. This is not me saying I don't want you to be happy. This is me saying the complete opposite. I want you to be happy and I know that you will be. And I want to be happy and I will be. And the kids will be. I promise."
"You really want this?" Kathy said with more tears in her eyes.
"This is what we need."
"I don't want to need it."
"Neither do I but this is for the best." he walked over to Kathy and took both her hands in his.
"I hope you are right for all of our sakes Elliot." She dropped her hands from his and turned to walk away.
"And Kathy," Elliot called out.
She turned to look at him.
"Don't hate Olivia. This is not her fault. She tried to talk me out of all this. I wouldn't listen."
"Elliot I have known you for a long time. And I have known her since you became partners. I know that she would never want you to leave me just because and I know that she would never want to hurt me or the kids. I know that these things happen. I have known you too were in love from the moment I met her. There are just things that women can sense. And that is one of them. I knew that she loved you from day one. Just as I knew that you loved her. I knew then that we would be having this conversation one day. I just wish I was wrong." She turned and walked away.
Elliot just stood there. He didn't know what to do all he knew is that he wanted to go back to the hospital. He wanted to get back to Olivia.
XXX
Olivia was laying in the hospital bed. She had just woke up from a horrible nightmare.
The nurse walked in with her breakfast. "Hello Ms. Benson, how are you today?" He asked with a smile.
"Better," she replied still unable to move with out being in pain.
"Well hopefully this will make you feel better." he sat the tray he was carrying on a table beside her. "Now we can do this one of two ways," he said referring to the meal. "We can try to sit you up or I can feed you."
"I will sit up thank you," Olivia said.
"Well it is completely up to you." He said trying to talk her out of it.
"That's alright I think I can handle it."
"Ok well lets get you sat up. If it hurts too much I will have to go ahead and feed you."
He sat Olivia up and pain shot through her whole body. She knew that she would not give in nor give up. The nurse saw the pain in Olivia's eyes.
"Are you ok?" He asked instantly.
"I'm fine." She said her eyes watering.
"Ms. Benson, it is ok to need help."
"Please stop calling me that. I'm Olivia. Please just call me Olivia." She replied to change the subject.
"I'm Randell. I think that we are going to go ahead and feed you if that is ok with you."
"No I am already sitting up I think that it would pointless to go through all that pain just to have you feed me anyway." Olivia said with a slight smile.
Randell pushed the tray to that was on the wheeled table over to Olivia.
"Thank you."
"You are very welcome. Now I'm going to be on duty until 3 so if there is anything at all I can do please do not hesitate to call me. All you have to do is press this button." Randell said holding the remote that was attached to the bed, he pointed to the red button.
"Ok I'll be sure to remember that."
"I'll be back in a little while to check on you."
"Thank you."
Randell smiled and walked out of the room.
XXX
It was now noon. Olivia had just woke up from a nap. All the medication they had her on for pain was keeping her knocked out most of the day.
She looked out the window.
The sun was shinning bright across the clear blue sky of the September day. She closed her eyes.
Visions of what could be played in her head like a movie. She could see where it all started. Her and Elliot.
Elliot, she thought, why cant we just have what we are supposed to have without me feeling guilty? Why did I make you leave when all I wanted was for you to be right there with me the whole time? Because you are married. That's why. You already found your forever and always. I guess I just never wanted it to happen like this I just never wanted to think that I was the cause of the breakup of a happy home. I want you to be happy and I know that you are having problems with Kathy. I could tell by the look in your eyes. Every time you would go home early it looked like a kid that had to go home at the 7th inning stretch. You wanted to stay. I know you wanted to stay because you wanted to be with me it wasn't because you wanted to work. It was because I was there. I was with you. And that is just the reason I wanted to stay. I never wanted to stay over because I wanted to work longer hours on a case. A case that we already solved. The last thing I wanted was to sit there at that desk and look at all that paper work. But I did it because that meant that I got to see you just a couple minutes longer or an hour longer. I got to see that smile. And those crystal blue eyes. The way the moon light danced on your face when you would walk me out. The way that your skin touched mine when you would hug me goodnight. I lived for that moment. That is the reason I went to work everyday. Olivia knew that she wouldn't be able to tell Elliot that. She wanted to. But after what she said to him the day before she would be lucky if he ever came to see her again. She wanted him there with her through all this. But she also didn't want him to make her feel like a home-wrecker. She loved Elliot that is a fact. But he was married. That is also a fact. That is the fact that gets three people hurt more than anything.
Olivia just kept her eyes closed and watched as the rest of the 'movie' played in her head.
It had fast forwarded. She was laying in another hospital bed. She was smiling. Elliot was standing with his back turned. He turned around and was had a smile from ear to ear. He leaned over to kiss her and hand her their beautiful baby girl.
I'Leah Raeleen. that's what I would name her. A new baby Stabler. She would have my dark complexion. His beautiful blue eyes. And of course the blonde hair.
"Olivia?"
A knock on the door was followed by Elliot's voice.
Olivia opened her eyes quickly and turned toward the door.
"Hey," she smiled.
"I didn't wake you up did I?"
"No I was awake. I was just uhh..." she paused for a moment to think, "resting my eyes."
"Can I come in?" Elliot dreaded the answer to that question. He didn't want to be rejected. He was there to confess his love. To make her see that she was in fact the one that the wanted to be with. She was the one that he wanted to come home to. And she was the one that he wanted to wake up to every morning. Now he just had to tell her that.
"Of course." Olivia responded. She wanted him there more than anything she just didn't know how to tell him that. She wanted him with her. She wanted him to hold her hand and tell her it was all going to be ok. She wanted him to hold her when she cried. She wanted him there to hold her when she felt like giving up.
She wanted them all to think she was strong. She wanted them all to think she was going to make it through this. But she wasn't trying to convince them. She was trying to convince herself. Truth be told she was scared out of her mind. She wasn't sure she could do what needed to be done. She didn't think she would ever walk again.
Elliot sat in the chair that was beside her bed. It was almost in the same position as the chair in the room she was in after her operation.
"Elliot I'm sorry." Olivia said.
"I don't want to talk about that right now." Elliot said.
"I do." She quickly retorted. "I need to. You need to hear that I am sorry. I am sorry for all that has happened. I am sorry I made you feel like you had to leave your wife for me. I don't want to start an argument. I just want to talk so please just hear me out. I love you. I want to be with you. I do. I want you to love me. And I know that you do. But I also know that you love Kathy and I would never want to take that away from you. I want you be sure that this is what you want. I don't want you to do anything that will ruin your life. If you think that there is any chance that you can work it out with Kathy then that is what I want you to do. But if you are at the point of no return and there is no chance that you will be happy with her ever again then maybe we can work out. I am just scared that you will regret the decision one day. And that is the last thing I want. Elliot you took a commitment when you married her. You said until death do us part and that is something that is hard for me to get passed. I fell in love with a married man Elliot and that is something I have to live with. But you, you are the one that has the hardest part. You have to look at everything and decide what will make you the happiest. Will you be happy with me? Will you want to be with me? I am damaged and I can admit that. It has taken me a long time before I could say that but I know now that I am. I am not the woman that can just come home and be a wife Elliot so I hope you wouldn't expect that from me. But I can be me. And I can be me even more when I'm with you."
"Can I talk now?"
"Yes," she said afraid of what she was going to hear.
"I already left Kathy."
"What!?" Olivia exclaimed. "When? Why?"
"I told her last night that I was in love with you."
"Oh my god Elliot I cant believe you would tell your wife that you love me. Why? Why would you do that?"
"Because I knew when you told me that meant that I wasn't the only one that had been holding feelings in. I have loved you for a long time Olivia. But what could I do? I was married and I wasn't going to give that up if you didn't love me too. I wasn't going to leave Kathy just to twiddle my thumbs all day. If I was going to commit a sin I was going to do it because we were going to be together. I told Kathy I want a divorce. I told her I loved you. I cant take that back. I cant undo any of that. And even if I could I wouldn't. Olivia you are now my whole life. I love you more than anything in this world. Next to my children. I cant live without you. When you told me you were going to work for the FBI I freaked out. I cant let you leave. I cant handle it. If you leave so will I."
"Elliot you cant leave. Your kids are here."
"And between you working and me working and Kathy working I'm sure we can afford the travel a couple times a month and holidays which is what I would have for visitations anyway. Look we can do this Olivia. Do I want to leave? No. but will I so that you will remain a part of my life? You can bet your ass I will."
"Did you really leave Kathy?" Olivia asked. She still couldn't believe it.
"Yes I did. That is why I wasn't here earlier. I was moving my stuff into storage and the motel I'm going to be at until I get a new place."
"Why would think that you have to stay in a motel? Elliot you know that I would never let that happen. I'm in the hospital right now anyway, I need someone to watch over my place while I'm gone you can just stay there."
"That's really not that big of a deal Liv. I can stay in a motel."
"Elliot I need someone to water my dead plant and pick up my junk mail anyway. It would just be easier if you stayed there for me."
"If that is what you want I will I guess."
"Well don't sound so happy about it I mean calm down." She said sarcastically with a smile.
"I just don't want you to think that I am trying to pressure you Liv. I want to be with you. I want to make something of us. But I know that if I push you into this I will just push you out of my life and that is the last thing I want."
"Elliot if I feel like I am being smothered in anyway I will make sure I tell you. It's not like I said lets get married. I just said you could stay at my house."
"So have you heard anything about how long you will stay here?" Elliot asked. He didn't want to bring it up but he knew that he had to. He had to know what was going to happen. He had to know when she would be home. And when he would be able to talk about them getting more serious. As of right now it was all just talk. Until she was home there was no way to know if she was as serious as he was. He felt she was serious but she could still leave. And he meant what he said. If she was going to leave he was going with her.
"I haven't seen the actual doctor yet just surgeons and nurses. But according to them I should be out in the next couple days. Maybe a week. They just have to make sure that everything is ok. I still wont be able to work. I want to work but I have to go through physical therapy first."
"Did they say how long it would be?" Elliot asked.
She knew what he was saying. He meant to add 'before you can start walking again' but he didn't. And thankfully not because she would have broken down. She tried not to cry and show weakness while she was there but she knew that it would come out eventually. "They haven't said anything all I know is I will see a doctor sometime today." she looked at Elliot. His face was torn. She couldn't read him like she usually could. Not too many people can tell what is going on in the head of Elliot Stabler but knowing him as well as she did helped her have a leg up on everyone else.
Here they come, she thought to herself, what if I never walk again? Tears began to stream down her face.
Elliot jumped up. "Don't do that to yourself Liv. Never think you cant do something. Because I know you can. You will beat this just like you have beat everything else in your life."
How did he know what I was thinking?
"Elliot I just cant get the thought of never walking again out of my head. It's my biggest fear." She said through the sobs.
"Olivia you can do it. You can do this. You will be walking before you know it. And you will return to work and everything will be back to normal."
"Even us?"
"We will be better than normal." He kissed her forehead. "I love you Olivia Benson."
She embraced him in a hug. "I love you too Elliot."
A/N: well there it is chapter 3. I hope it is as satisfying to read as it was to write. I cant believe I had people really doubting Olivia! There is going to be more challenges to come. Its not going to be that easy for them. (but really has it ever been) they will face a lot to be together. Will one of them snap? If so who will it be?
Up next a visit from the team... stay tuned and please review :)