Reviewers, you rule the world.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

------------

Ninth Waking.

I've finally given the ring to Shanda, and all of a sudden I'm disgusted with myself.

Even though she's been doing a little better lately, I still find her up on the prow at the beginning of every waking. Maybe her wakings are out of sync with everybody else's? I don't know.

Dhalan wasn't with her this time. So I went up and sat next to her.

I'm no good at talking to people. I didn't know what to say. I tried so hard to think of something nice to say, something comforting. But everything I thought of seemed just as able to be interpreted badly. So I just said, "Haley told me to give you something."

And then she just looked at me. After a second I realized she wasn't going to say anything. And I couldn't think of anything to say either. So I took the box from my pocket, and just...gave it to her.

She took it in her hand, and just looked at it. It made me anxious how quiet it was. But then I thought, Maybe she's just as anxious as I am. Maybe she has no idea what to do or say either. What could have been in her head? She probably knew what it was. Nice little boxes like that usually only contain wedding rings or compasses.

Then she looked at me again. It was some kind of look that needed a response. But I didn't know what it meant! I just remember her eyes. It could've been a thousand things. Rey, where did this come from? Rey, you're just lying to make me feel better. Rey, should I open it? Rey, you heartless, you give this to me now? A million things at once.

I am not fluent in Face! Females! Why do they insist on communicating everything in code! Just looks and tilts and faces and knittings of the brow. Why?

And I laugh: I have an old, faded blue notebook at home. My friend Ricardo and I once tried to decipher the "girl-language", and I wrote down our research in that notebook. (Our "research" consisted mostly of spying on my sister and her friends.) That journal has some funny things in it. I wonder what Ricardo is doing right now. I haven't seen him in years. His parents had to move to Valua, I don't remember why.

I am too distractible.

I didn't know what to say to Shanda. Actually I didn't want to say anything. As unnerving as the silence was, it seemed like speaking out loud would make it worse. So I tried to make my face say, "Shanda, you can open it."

I don't know if she understood me or not, but she opened it anyway. When she saw the ring, her lips finally parted, but she still didn't say anything. I don't know how long we both sat there, her looking at the ring, me just...sitting there. She was breathing like she could have burst into tears at any moment. It felt so precarious I didn't want to move.

Then finally she said, "This is from Derek." Then she did burst into tears.

I couldn't tell if it was a question or a statement--her voice was too tight. I tried putting a hand on her shoulder, hoping it would calm her down. But instead she cried harder. Then she put her arms around me and cried right into my shoulder.

I didn't expect this. I didn't expect any of this. First I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Shanda was crying into my shoulder. Why? Because her might-have-been-fiancée is dead. Well how would I feel? I don't know, I'm not a girl! But that's stupid--that wouldn't matter--then how would Haley feel if Shanda had died? I've still got a heart to feel with, haven't I? And hers was breaking. Hers was already broken.

Shivers, I sound like a clichéd love-ballad.

After I thought that, it wouldn't leave my mind. She's broken, she's broken. It was pitiful, and it was breaking me. Then I thought of Dhalan. Did she cry into Dhalan's shoulder early every waking? Did it break him? She is his sister.

I felt...as if I were...I don't know...weaker and stronger at the same time. Weaker, because I'm no better than Haley. Why in the world would she latch onto me, cry into my shoulder? I'm not for her. I have nothing. And stronger...because she chose my shoulder anyway. There was nobody else there to choose from, of course. But even so, she chose it over nothing. Like I was needed. Like I could help. I hugged her back.

And in some strange way, I liked it.

And then some voice in the back of my head whispered accusations of betrayal to Haley, of going behind his back, of stealing his girl... And something uglier said So what! He's dead! And something nobler cursed me for the thought, How dare I? it said, How dare I even think it! And I cursed myself to the darkest depths of deep sky. Well here I am already. Is that justification enough? Moons, what the blazes is wrong with me?

All these thoughts ran through my head in what couldn't have been more than a few seconds. And then Dhalan came out. He looked a little bleary in the eyes. I think he came because he heard Shanda crying. He just said, "Shanda?"

And she answered, "I'm okay, Dhalan." And Dhalan went back inside.

After that she didn't cry so much. Just a few more nuzzled whimpers into my shoulder--it made me feel strangely important...more able--and then she pulled back. I wished so hard at that moment that I could just fix the world, fix everything, bring back Haley and Captain Peralta. I don't know how. I don't know why.

She sat back and just wiped her eyes and said, "I'm sorry."

I automatically said, "It's all right." Was that the best I could do? But it sounded wrong, or stolen. Haley is supposed to say things like that to her. Not me.

But Haley's not here anymore. But Shanda needed somebody to say that to her. I can do that, can't I? Aren't I allowed to be her friend? Wouldn't Haley want me to be her friend? But wouldn't that be as if I were trying to replace him? But I already am her friend! ...Just not her would-be-fiancée.

I had been happy for Haley. And he knew it. He trusted me, confided in me about the ring, asked me for advice. (As if I were one to give sound advice on women.) I helped him to steel himself to even talk to her at first. I was kept awake by his lamplight when he was too flustered to sleep and could only sketch her face and write poetry. But I didn't mind. I was happy for him. I was rooting for him. I really was. The last thing I wanted was to get in the way, to get in between. I never wanted to take Shanda from him. So can't I be a friend only? Or is that still like getting in between? Like stealing the place where Haley wanted to be?

But Shanda needs a friend. She needs all the friends she can get. And Dhalan needs some sleep. I can be her friend. Can't I?

And steal everything that should have been for Haley. I disgust myself. I feel like something's wrong with me.

Well she hugged me first.

I don't want to write about this anymore. We're about to go look for more of those ugly fish-things. The sardis are getting rancid. They're beyond rancid, and Porter can't see it. We have no way to preserve the meat, and we're throwing them out. Or maybe we can use them as bait for the ugly fish-things. I'll ask Greys.

Our water is almost gone.