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Thirty-Seventh Waking?

I'm not sure. I just need to write. Did I nap? Did I sleep deep? Was it a sleeping? A full sleeping? Or not?

Greys is still gone. The fire is still here. Embers, but still here. Dark and hard to write. Did I sleep for long?

Shivers I don't know what to do! Blasted sun! Where are you so that we may tell the time, so that we may measure! What! Why have you left us!

My hands are cold. I usually write at the end of the waking, when they feel fat, swollen with blood from walking.

Where is Greys and what do I do?

Be still, my heart, I cannot waste your energy on phantoms, on imagined trials. The real ones are strenuous enough.

It still hammers like a thing possessed. It makes me want to run. To move. It makes it feel unsafe here. I shake.

Greys where are you?

I look at the fire. It is not... too burned down, is it? Yes, it is. Only glowing embers in the ash. How long was I asleep?

Calm myself, calm myself. I breathe, I breathe. Is it too fast? Do it slower. In... in... in... and... out. Slower. My heart. Stop pounding so hard.

Think, think, curse you, leave the work to your head, let your limbs rest.

Write it.

I know.

Greys is gone, and I am here.

Good, calm. Write more.

What choices have I?

Greys would not go down. He would only go up. We have been going only upward for this whole time, for ever. Only up. So one direction, two choices. Stay or move.

If I stay, Greys may come back and find me.

If I move, I may find Greys.

Can I see his markings?

May, may. Such precariousness. Wait.

Now my voice is hoarse. I called his name, but I cannot best the Thunder. It conspires with the Rocks to kill us.

No! Think clearly, confound you! They are stone, stone! Stone and noise. They cannot come after me. Except the Lightning. But the Lightning prefers the great bald crags in whose lees we tread.

Or is this a canyon?

But I imagine them as great heaving mounds of Rock. Single mounds like bulkish spires.

A stone's cast. A stone's cast. Why can't I see Greys? Curse this mist and fog and cloud.

I am afraid. I don't want to end. This entry cannot end.

Quiet down, my heart, I am still here.

Slowly. Slowly. Please. I cannot bear it.

Why did I wake up?

Stop. Breathe. Slowly. Calm. Calm.

Please...