Poison Ivy arrived at the park outside the Thorne penthouse the next evening to see that Two-Face, Crane, and Tetch were already there. "Any sign of the clowns?" she asked.
"Not yet," growled Two-Face. "Think they might not show?"
Ivy shrugged. "I can never tell when J's kidding or not. This whole thing might just be one big joke of his, for all I know. I don't know how Harley puts up with him."
"She's crazy," retorted Crane. "That's simple."
"If love is madness, and the mad succumb to the madness of love, does that make them sane?" asked Tetch.
"No, it makes them even more mad," retorted Crane. "Terrifyingly so."
Ivy looked up at the building in front of them. "Do you think J's whole stealth plan is going to work?" she asked.
"I don't have a better idea," replied Two-Face. "If we're discovered, they outnumber us. This seems like the only sensible approach."
"Which is why I don't trust it coming from J," replied Ivy. "Since when did he ever talk sense?"
"I don't trust him, but I also don't have a better idea," said Crane. "As long as we're relatively quiet, there shouldn't be a problem. It shouldn't be too difficult to be discreet…"
At that moment, they heard a loud crashing noise coming nearer and nearer, and suddenly a tank appeared in front of them. The hatch was raised and the Joker popped out, dressed in a general's uniform, with Harley next to him wearing combat gear.
"Evening, troops!" he exclaimed. "Who's ready to party?"
"What happened to the stealth plan?" growled Two-Face, angrily.
Joker shrugged. "I realized I wasn't really a stealth kinda guy, Harv. That's more Bats's style. The Joker makes an entrance! And what better way to make an entrance than with a tank and a couple of missiles? You ready to fire, Private Quinn?"
"Roger that, General J, sir!" exclaimed Harley, saluting.
"Then let's get this party started!" giggled Joker. "Oh, and I'd stand back if I were you guys."
They obeyed, leaping backward as three missiles were fired right into the apartment building. Scores of men immediately poured out into the street, firing at the tank. Ivy, Two-Face, Crane, and Tetch hid from view, watching bullets pound into the tank.
"What's the plan now?" muttered Ivy. "I guess I can send in some of these plants, if you want, although I'd hate to sacrifice my babies like that…"
"That won't be necessary, Pammie," said Joker, appearing behind them. He had changed back into his regular purple suit, and Harley was beside him in her usual costume. "Any second now they're going to hit one of the bombs I've planted on the tank, and it's going to explode and be a nice, pretty spectacle for the guys shooting at us, while we head for the entrance to the ventilation shaft around the corner. See, not dumping the stealth thing entirely – just thought we could use a little distraction, you know, for fun! Plus if Thorne and company think we've been neutralized by blowing up the tank, we once again regain the element of surprise."
"Ain't he just a genius, Red?" sighed Harley, adoringly. "Mr. J's so spontaneous! Always making life fun and zany!"
"Yeah, being shot at is a barrel of laughs," growled Two-Face.
"I told you we wanted a less crazy maniac in charge," muttered Tetch.
The tank exploded at that moment, sending shards of metal into the air, and a huge cloud of smoke into the crowd. Under the cover of chaos, the six villains headed to the ventilation shaft on the left-hand side of the building. Ivy summoned some vines down from the side of the building to rip off the grate. "Ladies first," said Joker, grinning and gesturing inside.
Ivy crawled in, followed by Harley, Joker, Two-Face, Tetch, and lastly Crane, who replaced the grate and then sprayed some fear gas out into the crowd. "Terrified men with guns is a rather amusing experiment," he explained. "And it will be handy that they've all shot each other if we need to make a quick escape."
"Aw, looks like the Scarecrow don't need that brain from the Wizard after all!" chuckled Joker. He whistled We're Off to See the Wizard as they crawled up the ventilation duct.
"J, the whole stealth thing, are we just scrapping that or what?" growled Two-Face.
"Sorry, Harv, I'm just a happy guy with a song in my heart and a smile on my face!" said Joker, grinning.
"Yeah, well, shut up if you don't want us all to get killed," snapped Ivy, turning around.
"Don't talk to Mr. J like that, Red!" retorted Harley.
"If Tweedledum and Tweedledee are going to have a battle, can it wait until we're not climbing through the air ducts of a heavily guarded building?" hissed Tetch.
"Yes, everyone just shut up, please!" whispered Crane.
"Thought you weren't afraid of anything, Professor," chuckled Joker.
"I'm not afraid, but nor am I looking forward to being shot," retorted Crane.
Joker shrugged. "I've been shot a few times. It's not so bad – kinda pleasant after awhile. Y'know, like when you just keep getting punched up and it stops hurting and just starts to turn you on."
Everyone stopped and stared at him. "Oh right, like that don't happen to any of you," he muttered.
"It happens to me, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley.
"Shut up, Harl!" hissed Ivy. "Jesus Christ, if Crane's gas weren't making them all shoot off their guns randomly and covering for the noise we're making, we'd all be dead! Everyone quiet! Now!"
"Hey, I'm in charge here, Pammie!" retorted Joker. "I tell people when to be quiet! Now everyone be quiet! We're almost at the elevator shaft!"
Ivy glared at him but continued crawling forward. Harley followed close behind her, but suddenly shrieked as she put her weight on a loose grate and fell down. Joker caught her leg before she dropped and pulled her back up. "Told you you were fat, you useless dame!" he hissed. "Now shut up!"
Ivy could hear Two-Face muttering under his breath, his usual reaction when irritated. She turned around to tell him to shut up, when her hand suddenly met air and she fell forward. She dropped about six feet onto the top of the elevator, not enough to break anything but enough to hurt. A lot.
"Watch that first step, Pammie!" chuckled Joker, as he followed Harley climbing down to join her.
Ivy whirled around and punched him in the face. "Red, don't!" cried Harley, leaping protectively in front of him.
"It's ok, pooh, she hits like a girl," said Joker, patting Harley's head. "And it's her court martial. That's the penalty for hitting a superior officer."
"Anything broken?" asked Two-Face, joining them along with Crane and Tetch.
"Why would you care?" she snapped.
"Just trying to be nice," he growled. "No need to bite my head off."
"It's the sexual tension, Harv," said Joker, grinning.
"Shut up, clown," he growled. "There's absolutely no sexual tension between me and Pammie."
"You and Pammie? No, I meant Pammie and me!" Joker laughed. Ivy started forward to hit him again as Joker kept laughing. "You see? She can't keep her hands off me!"
"Just stay away from him, Red!" shrieked Harley, clutching herself protectively against Joker.
"This bickering isn't helping anything!" shouted Crane, stepping in between them. "Both of you just act like grown-ups!"
"When this is over, I'm going to beat your face in, clown!" hissed Ivy.
"Love it when you talk dirty, Pammie!" chuckled Joker.
"Calm down, Pam!" said Two-Face, grabbing her arm as she started forward again.
"Don't tell me what to do!" she shrieked. "And don't touch me!"
"Everyone be quiet before something unpleasant happens!" snapped Tetch.
At that moment, they heard a click from underneath them. "That doesn't sound pleasant," murmured Crane.
They were all thrown forward as the elevator suddenly started to rise rapidly. "I told you..." began Tetch.
"No time for I told you so; what are we going to do now?!" shouted Crane.
Two-Face strode over to the hatch leading down into the elevator itself and tried to pull it up. "It's locked!" he growled.
"Plan, Mr. J?" said Harley, clutching his arm tightly as the ceiling came up fast.
He rushed over to the hatch and sprayed acid from the flower in his buttonhole onto the lock. He and Two-Face just managed to lift it open when suddenly a mass of giant roots burst up into the shaft and seized the elevator, pulling it to a stop amid sparks. The elevator screeched to a halt just inches from the top of the building. Harley let out a sigh of relief.
"Nice work, Red!" she breathed, beaming at her.
Ivy didn't respond, except to smirk at Joker and Two-Face as she walked past them and dropped down into the elevator.
"You can have her, Harv. I don't like smug women," said Joker. "C'mon, Harley."
They all climbed down into the elevator, where Ivy waited with her crossbow aimed at the door. "I think they might know we're here," she muttered.
"Then maybe we should surprise them," said Tetch, who was still on top of the elevator. "I won't be a moment."
He disappeared from view into the ventilation system as the other villains pointed their respective weapons at the doors, waiting for them to open.
They did, amidst a hail of bullets. Joker and Harley ducked behind one side of the elevator while Two-Face, Ivy, and Crane hid behind the other, using pauses in the gunfire to shoot their own weapons out into the hall.
"Harvey, what are you doing?" asked Ivy, suddenly noticing that Two-Face flipped his coin before each shot.
"Just checking if I should aim for their heads or someplace less vital," he muttered.
"For God's sake, just shoot!" shouted Crane. "What is the bright idea for getting us out of this situation, J?"
"Anytime Hatty wants to start his very merry unbirthday party is fine with me!" shouted Joker.
And at that moment, the gunfire abruptly stopped. They heard the men slowly file away, muttering to each other in confusion. And a moment later, Tetch appeared at the door to the elevator, smiling.
"Apparently they were ordered to cease and desist by the highest authority, who wishes to handle the intruders on their own. Or at least, that's what I told their commander to relay to them," he said, idly flipping one of his hat cards between his fingers.
"Gee, Hatty, I'm kinda sorry for calling you a nerd now," laughed Joker.
"You never called me a nerd," said Tetch.
"In my head I did," replied Joker. "A lot. I called Crane one too though, so don't take it personally."
"We need to hurry before the mob bosses realize what's going on and send them back after us," growled Two-Face. "Dumb as they are, it shouldn't take them too long to figure out something's wrong."
"Righty-ho! Let's move out!" laughed Joker.
They hurried down the hall, rounded the corner, and came to face-to-face with two men guarding the door to the penthouse. Two-Face reached for his coin.
"Kinda don't have time for that, Harvey!" shouted Joker, shooting them both in the head.
Two-Face and Joker then kicked open the door and entered the penthouse, with the others following.
The lights were low, with only a fire burning in the grate and the lamp on Thorne's desk lit. The room appeared to be empty, but suddenly Harley shrieked as she was seized around the waist by Thorne, holding a gun to her head.
"You freaks stay back, or the clown bitch gets it!" he hissed. He was joined seconds later by Sal Maroni and Carmine Falcone, who stood shoulder to shoulder with Thorne as Harley struggled in his grip.
"We're leaving here right now," said Thorne, backing towards the door and dragging Harley with him. "And we're taking the slut with us so you don't try anything funny. You've been known to do that, Joker."
He headed for the door, but Joker stepped in front of him, slamming the door and blocking his path. "You're not going anywhere, Thorny boy," he said, grinning.
Thorne pressed the gun against Harley's temple. "I will shoot her, clown."
"You go right ahead and do that," replied Joker, his smile never fading. "You'd be doing me a huge favor. That useless bitch has been clinging to me for years, and I haven't been able to kill her myself. Lord knows I've tried!" he laughed. "No, but seriously, you kill her for me, Thorny. She's an utter waste of space, and she's been a thorn in my side for far too long. You blow her little brains out. It would make me smile to see that – it would make me laugh. You wanna make me happy, Thorny, you pull the trigger."
"J, what the hell are you doing?" hissed Ivy.
"Don't worry, Pammie, he won't shoot her," said Joker, grinning at Thorne. "He wouldn't make my day like that, would you, Thorny, old pal? You aren't a nice guy like that, are you?"
Thorne glared at him, trying to see if he were serious or not. Joker just grinned back at him. "Oh, c'mon, Thorne, just do it!" shouted Joker. "You've got nothing else to threaten me with, have you? Just shoot her, so we can get on with the business at hand! Namely, your deliciously delirious deaths! Once Harley is out of the way, we can move on to the things that matter. And I don't know about the boys, but Ivy is gonna be really pissed when you shoot Harley. She's gonna make your deaths a lot more painful than she otherwise would have. And Crane here, he's got a bit of a crush on Harley girl too. The rest of us, we don't care so much about Harley, but we'll probably just enter into the spirit of long and lingering torture if the other two are keen on it. So why don't you make us angry, Thorny boy? That sounds like a great plan – upsetting the freaks. So just shoot the bitch already!"
With a growl, Thorne shoved Harley forward. Joker grabbed her arm and pulled her behind him. Then he aimed his gun at Thorne. "Don't like to get your hands dirty, huh, Thorny? Not a fan of random, pointless violence?" he chuckled. "Well, that's where you and I differ, I guess."
He pulled the trigger. The gun clicked. It was empty. Joker's smile fell a little, but he turned to Two-Face. "Harv, be a pal and shoot him for me, wouldya?"
Two-Face raised his gun, but at that moment a black shape burst through the roof, landing in between the line of gangsters and supervillains.
"Huh. Didn't think you could get through that way," said Joker, squinting at the roof. "Could have saved ourselves a lot of crawling through vents. Don't know what you see in that practice, Bats – it's gotta be bad for your back."
"Put the weapons down," said Batman, firmly. "All of you. I'm taking you in."
"Over my dead body, Bats," growled Two-Face, aiming his gun at Batman. "Say goodbye."
He pulled the trigger. And his gun clicked. So did his second gun. "Wasn't anyone careful with bullets?" demanded Joker. "C'mon, we've got to have something we can distract Bats with!"
Harley's gun was also empty. Ivy was all out of crossbow bolts too, and Crane and Tetch didn't have any practical weapons useful for close range combat in a small space. The villains all felt around their pockets, but only Ivy found something useful at last, her lipstick. She hurriedly applied it as Batman approached them. "Just kiss him already!" shouted Two-Face.
She started forward to do just that, but Joker intercepted Batman first, seizing his face in his hands and shoving his mouth onto his in a kiss. Everyone stared at the scene, astounded, Batman not least of all, who fell backward, gasping in horror as Joker drew away.
"C'mon, let's go!" shouted Joker, grabbing Harley's hand and rushing out of the room.
"I meant for Pammie to kiss him," muttered Two-Face as he and the others followed.
"Hey, we needed a distraction and it worked, didn't it?" demanded Joker. "Besides, Pammie would have only neutralized Bats, while this way I neutralized everyone!"
"You've just been wanting to do that for years, haven't you?" growled Ivy.
"Yeah, and if I'm honest, it was kinda disappointing," retorted Joker. "All that build-up, all that tension, and he's just not a very good kisser. Why didn't you tell me, Pammie?"
"Didn't want to ruin your fantasy, J," she retorted.
"It's ok – I have others," he said, grinning at her. "You, me, and a set of pruning shears for one."
They had reached the bottom floor of the apartment and raced outside, hearing guards following behind them. "Do allow me," said Crane, turning around and unleashing a cloud of gas into the building.
"Nice try, Professor, but that won't be enough to stop Batsy!" retorted Joker, reaching into his pocket. He threw a couple of grenades through the door, and they all ran. The explosion that followed was absolutely spectacular, the fire igniting the fear gas and destroying the building in a blaze of light and smoke.
"He won't be dead, y'know," muttered Two-Face as they watched from a safe distance.
"No, but maybe Thorne and company will," retorted Joker. "And even if they're not, I had fun on this caper, don't know about the rest of you!"
"Oh, it was a blast," said Crane, dryly.
"Hey, I do the jokes around here!" growled Joker.
"Just remind me never to collaborate with you on anything ever again," snapped Ivy. "In future, I'd rather been chopped up alive."
"You ever want that to happen, Pammie, you give me a call," chuckled Joker. "Well, goodnight, everyone, it's been a blast!"
"I just made that joke," muttered Crane.
"Yeah, but your delivery was poor," retorted Joker. "You're not a funny guy, Professor. You're just a nerd. And I can't help but count my blessings that I'll never have to work with any one of you ever again!" He chuckled. "Love ya all, really! See you guys around! Toodles!"
He laughed to himself as Harley followed him away. "At least I'm not in love with Batman," growled Crane after he left.
"Yeah, that was awkward for everyone," agreed Two-Face.
"If I were Harley, I'd be really pissed," said Ivy. "Not just for that, but for all the crap J said about her. Y'know, about it being ok to shoot her and everything."
"Oh, they'll probably work it out – they always do," sighed Crane.
"'If seven maids with seven mops swept it for half a year, do you suppose,' the Walrus said, 'That they could get it clear?' 'I doubt it,' said the Carpenter, and shed a bitter tear," muttered Tetch.
"What does that have to do with anything?" snapped Ivy.
"Quite obvious, really," replied Tetch. "Hoping that they'll change the pattern of their endlessly cyclical and volatile relationship is about as useful as trying to sweep away the sand on the beach. And caring about it just as futile."
"The Carpenter still sheds a tear, though," murmured Crane.
"Yes, well, none of us are carpenters here," retorted Tetch, walking away.
"No," agreed Crane, as they all followed. "Just freaks."