Disclaimer : Supernatural does not belong to me.
A/n : For those of you who are following Stronger Than Blood, I will update soon. Sorry! This is un-betaed so all the mistakes, the WTFs are all mine. And now for this story ...
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Not Enough Air
by CyberSupernatural
Everything's a mess.
Sam grits his teeth and grips the steering wheel too hard, he knows he does, and for the first time, Dean doesn't say anything. Dean is staring out of the window, looking lost, and Sam's tempted to point out that it's his pose. His neck seems to turn by itself to shoot Dean a look filled with ... guilt? Sorrow? He doesn't know anymore.
He just feels cold.
The deal ... something chokes up Sam's throat and suddenly, there's not enough air to breathe. Sam wants this all to be over, he wants to be curled up in some meadow somewhere, looking up at the sky, the soft, green grass around him.
What if he doesn't ... what if Dean really ... Panic fills his head an he can't see the road anymore, he can't see. Sam clenches his fists against the steering wheel, blinking hard and trying to rid the image of Dean's body, torn bloody by the hell-hounds, Dean being taken away, Dean's not here ...
Oh God ...
He's killed his mother.
He's killed his father.
He's killed Jessica.
... And now, he's going to kill Dean.
Tears fill his eyes and he gasps slightly, feeling Dean's alarmed gaze on him. Dean's saying something, something like stop the damn car and he thinks that's a good idea - he doesn't want to get them both into heaven or hell ahead of schedule. Schedule ... it's so funny that he begins to laugh histerically, burying his face into his hands, after pulling the car up to the curb.
He's too cold.
He doesn't feel anything.
He doesn't feel Dean.
Sam thinks he can give up now, he can lie down now and beg for some power to kill him. Because everything's a mess.
Suddenly ... warm arms are around his cold as death body, warmth surrounds him, and Dean's saying something, he can't hear because of his own sobs, loud and broken, wracking through his entire body. Dean's kneeling on the gravel, holding him securely and he sobs out his brother's name in one, long, drawn breath.
"Dean ... Dean ... Dee ... "
Dean's yelling now, he thinks, he's yelling something even as Sam continues to cry, face pressing against the side of Dean's neck, arms clutching at the leather jacket - a smell of comfort, smell of home, filling his cold body ... and he thinks he warms up a little.
There isn't enough air to breathe, not enough of Dean to hold on to.
Dean's stroking his hair in the perfect, gentle, big-brother manner and the yelling's subsided just like Sam's sobs and he's whispering something into Sam's ear, but try as he might, he can't hear what Dean's saying.
Say it's okay, say you'll stay, because I love that lie.
His brother loves him too much, he knows that, it's this love that's gonna send Dean to hell. Literally. And he hates himself so much for that.
He should be the one dead. He should be the one suffering. He's killed almost everyone close to him - isn't that suffering enough, he wants to ask. Please don't take him away too. But he knows, no matter how hard he cries, how hard he screams, no one's going to hear him. Least of all God. He believed in Him once, he prayed, but there's no such preson. Dean was right, there're no angels, there's no God.
He hates the way he keeps taking and never giving, he hates how he was the one responsible - no matter what Dean said - for so many innocent peoples' deaths, he hates how he's going to be the reason for his brother's death.
He's gripping Dean's jacket so hard he can feel skin in his grasp and finally - finally - his ears catch Dean's quiet voice, "I got you."
And ... he breathes. Draws in greedy gulps of air, gasping and panting, being weak like he is, holding Dean too tight against him, like he'll never let go and everything's warm inside him, everything's gonna be okay because Dean says so and big brother knows best. He wants to stay this way forever, leaning half out of the car, Dean's arms around him, fingers moving through his hair.
It might not be this way a year from now.
"Dean ..." his voice is panic-stricken and before he can start crying again, before he can become cold again, Dean's voice washes over him. And he wants to memorize everything about his brother. Remember him forever.
Strong arms ... holding him, protecting him, needing him ... Green eyes ... watching him, smiling at him, hurt by him ... Warm heart ... kind and sweet, needed to be held tight, few are worthy, few knew ... love too strong, too fierce, too devoted ... He hasn't forgotten a thing.
"I got you."
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A/n : Well? Well? looks around excitedly What d'you think? Review!!