AN: I'm not 100% sure of my characterization of the FF, but I've always felt that Reed Richards is a douchecanoe. Don't judge me.
As always, all the pretty = Marvel. All the witty = me. :)
Darcy was glad she had chosen to look like a semi-professional today. She had on what she referred to as her "Pepper Redux" outfit: a slim pencil dress (short sleeves, square neck), black stockings, and wickedly tall black platform pumps. She had pulled her crazy curls up into a loose ponytail, and swiped on a deep crimson lipstick as she left SHIELD. She had heard…rumors that Dr. Richards was a douche of epic proportions. In Darcy's experience, the best weapon against douchebaggery was a combination of witty snark and "I will fuck your shit up" heels. Good thing she had both in excess.
Happy was waiting outside, and he drove Darcy to the Baxter Building. After being harassed by the guards, Darcy rode the elevator up and went to Richards's lab to pick up the articles Tony needed.
"You're the assistant?" the doctor said in a disbelieving tone. Oh hell naw am I gonna have to Tase this motherfucker too? Darcy thought.
"Darcy Lewis," she said, holding out her hand. Dr. Richards just looked at her outstretched hand, then placed the articles she had came for in it, instead of shaking her hand.
Darcy flipped through the articles. "I'm sorry, but we're missing the article on the interplay of gamma radiation and sub-zero temperatures by Dr. Ragnathan."
"You can understand that?" Dr. Richards asked her.
"Not perfectly, but enough to assist Drs. Banner and Foster, along with Mr. Stark." Darcy told him with a saccharine sweet smile, all the while trying to convince herself not to dig her trusty Taser out.
"But..I thought…"
"…that I had more tits than brains?" Darcy finished his sentence for him. "It's a common assumption, but might I suggest you not make it about every woman you meet? Natasha gets touchy about things like that, and I would hate for her to put you in a choke hold if she's ever sent over."
"Natasha?" Dr. Richards asked, a displeased look on his face.
"Agent Romanoff." At his blank look, Darcy added, "You probably know her as Black Widow."
Dr. Richards visibly gulped. He then turned around, pulled another article out of a filing cabinet, and passed it to her. Darcy gave him a little finger wave as she turned. "Thank you so much for your help!" she cooed in her best impression of a sorority girl.
"Hold the door!" a masculine voice yelled at her as she stood in the elevator. Hands full of papers, Darcy stuck her foot out.
Shit you not, Steve's evil twin got in the elevator with her. "Hello," he said, in what Darcy figured he thought was a seductive voice.
Darcy raised an eyebrow at him. "Did I just fall into one of Abed's six possible timelines? Because you are seriously evil!Steve."
He grinned at her. "At least it's not the darkest timeline – no evil goatee here," he said, gesturing to his face.
"Yeah, just douche-y sideburns." Darcy shot back.
"I resent that!" he exclaimed, rubbing the offended facial hair. "These babies are a work of art."
Darcy rolled her eyes and went back to double checking the articles in her hands. The elevator seemed to descend slower than molasses, and for some reason, it just kept getting hotter in the enclosed space.
Darcy was about to comment on the heat when she put two and two together and got a flaming four. Without looking up, she said, "I know who you are, and that trick isn't going to work on me. Nice try, Firecrotch."
Darcy felt the temperature drop back down as he turned and looked at her. "Yes, I am the illustrious Human Torch. But you can call me Johnny," he said, his voice sounding like a cheap knockoff of the Old Spice Guy.
"Dude, I babysit Tony Stark. I've heard almost every pick up line in the book, and trust me. That was weaksauce," she said, giving him a look over the top of her glasses.
The elevator dinged, signaling their arrival at the ground floor. "Well, it was lovely chatting with you," Darcy said sarcastically as she sashayed out the door and through the lobby.
"I didn't catch your name!" Johnny yelled at her.
"I didn't throw it!" Darcy yelled back. "Bye, Boy Wonder!"
Darcy made it back to Stark Tower, dropping off shawarma and science wherever it needed to go. She convinced Jane to stop and eat real food, convinced Thor to use his inside voice, and convinced Clint to come out of the damn airducts, already, and eat the damn food like a normal person.
Really, you would think Darcy was babysitting toddlers, not grown-ass adults.
She hung out in the lab, transcribing Bruce's notes (for the love of Meow-Meow, can this man even write?) when JARVIS's voice cut through the building.
"Attention, we have a person attempting unauthorized access to the Tower."
All the superheroes immediately jumped up, running for spangly uniforms / advanced weaponry and Jane totally ignored the process, continuing scribbling on her whiteboard. "Sir, he appears to be asking for, and I quote, 'that babe who babysits Stark.'"
"I don't need a babysitter!" she could hear Tony yell over the sounds of his suit being attached.
Darcy rolled her eyes. Looks like Johnny Storm wasn't a total idiot – or he just really liked playing with danger. "Keep your civvies on, Avengers." She said, holding up her hands. "I'll handle this."
Darcy walked across the lobby, enjoying the echoing click of her heels on the marble floor. Johnny was held by two agents who were posing as security guards, the rest of the lobby having been cleared out. "Stand down, suits, I got this." Darcy said when she joined them.
The agents released the suddenly bashful Johnny. "What made you think that trying to break in to a highly classified locale with multiple superheroes was a good idea?" Darcy said, arms crossed over her chest.
"I…uh…didn't really think about that part?" Johnny said.
"Then what exactly were you thinking?" Darcy asked. Giving him a once over, she amended her question. "Or rather, what exactly were you thinking with?"
Just as he opened his mouth to answer, an arrow whizzed past him, embedding itself in the wall behind him. "Seriously, Barton?" Darcy yelled into her earpiece. "You are not Han Solo! Stop shooting first!"
Darcy watched, entertained, as all of the Avengers suddenly appeared in the lobby in full gear and Johnny Storm wavered between super stoked and ohshitI'mintrouble. "Look, I just wanted to get your name." Johnny said, shrugging and attempting to look adorable.
Darcy rolled her eyes, ignoring the superheroes with itchy trigger fingers behind her. "You should've just asked your brother-in-law. Much easier and less painful."
"Obviously you haven't talked to Reed that much," she heard Johnny mumble under his breath.
Darcy snorted. "Good point. I'm Darcy."
Johnny gave her a shit-eating grin that Darcy couldn't help but smile back at. "So…Darcy," he said, lifting one eyebrow, "want to get a drink with me?"
"As much as I feel like we would be total BFFs – me with my penchant for setting things on fire when drunk and you with your flaming capabilities – I already have plans tonight." Darcy said with a smirk. (Total lie.)
"What plans top – this –?" Johnny asked, gesturing to encompass his whole body.
"My date," she snarked back, not really thinking in terms of specifics.
"Like I said, baby, who tops this?"
Steve, along with the rest of his team, watched Darcy dress down the youngest member of the Fantastic Four. They had worked with the other team before, and even Steve could admit that the Human Torch could be brought down a peg or two.
Clint nudged him. "Dude. Go help your lady out."
"My..my lady? What – what?" Steve managed to cough out. Was his crush that obvious?
Tony snorted as he flipped his faceplate up. "Your girl over there needs a date to cover her bluff. Why don't you step up, Cap?"
Steve wasn't one hundred percent sure what they were talking about, but he walked over to Darcy anyway. "Is there a problem, Miss Lewis?" he asked, reverting back to formality.
"Storm here won't take the hint that I already am seeing someone tonight." Darcy said, giving him a look that reeked of desperation.
Then, it suddenly hit him. Darcy had told Storm that she had a date when she didn't, and his team had sent him in to be her date! Now it all made sense.
Darcy might've melted a little bit at the blinding smile Steve gave her. It was like the time he had finally figured out how to work the microwave – times a million. Like, seriously, childlike and so fucking excited he couldn't contain it.
And then, somehow, Steve had taken his cowl off and pulled Darcy close to his side. "Sorry, Storm," he said, in a voice Darcy didn't recognize, "but this lovely lady has a date with me tonight."
Darcy was really glad she wasn't drinking anything at the moment, because she totally would've sprayed it out of her nose then. Apparently, she's got a date with Captain McHotPants tonight!
Darcy played along with Cap's ruse, and Johnny was placated for the time being. Darcy warned him about trying to get into locked doors, and the rest of the Avengers managed to "escort" Storm out of the building, while Steve led her off to the side.
"Okay, where the fuck did that voice come from? That did not sound like the Steve I know." Darcy asked, laughing.
"Well, Tony has been making me watch some show called 'How I Met Your Mother' because, according to him, I need to work on my 'game,'" Steve said, making air quotes.
"Ah, Barney Stinson. Makes sense." Darcy said. "Thanks for the rescue, Captain."
"Anytime, ma'am," he said, giving her a mock salute. Evidently, all of Stark and I's sass has been rubbing off on him, Darcy thought to herself.
As Darcy turned to go back to the lab, Steve caught her elbow. "Would you, um…" he started, rubbing the back of his neck. Darcy knew, after months of talking with him, that that meant he was nervous – and suddenly, she was a little nervous, too. "Would you like to go to dinner with me?"
Darcy gaped at him for a moment. "Like, a for real date?" Steve gave her a nervous smile and nodded his head.
"Hell yes!" Darcy blurted out. Blushing, she tried for normality. "I mean, yes. That would be nice. Friday?"
"Friday." Steve said, a small smile playing about his lips.
"Kay bye!" Darcy said, determined to get back to the lab before she embarrassed herself any further.
JARVIS is the only witness to the epic victory dance she may or may not have done in the elevator. She made him promise to never EVER show it to anyone (aka Tony and Clint) on threat of reprogramming him to sound like a redneck.