Characters are a mother to deal with. Mello was essentially giving me NOTHING to work with... but I made it work.

This story sure has had a turn-around...don't worry, just read ^u^

Chapter 12: Silk Pajamas

Things to do? That was an exaggeration. I most certainly had absolutely nothing to do with myself whatsoever. After Matt left, any motivation he was able to still quickly surrendered to the fast paced beating in my chest. At first, I thought I was meant to confront Mello. That was not possible, because the thought alone was paralyzing. No. I had to think things over. Be logical. There's is nothing extremely threatening about their next inevitable meeting. It was impossible to think that one could avoid Mello when schedules had you cross paths day-to-day. Not that I wanted to avoid him. Only temporarily be free from his...distraction. I didn't leave my room again. Crawling into bed. Under the covers. Wrapping myself in something solid. Something I could understand. For am moment, the thought I might be able to reverse it all. Forget emotions. Forget friends. Forget Mello. I thought, if I would just try, I could go back to something stable. No. I already understand that I was not stable. I was numb. A condition that I never called upon in the first place, and left me with no way to return. I wrapped myself up tighter. Almost suffocating. Taking in deep breaths of fabric softener. Breathe. This was something I could control. In. Out. In. Out. In my nest, I plucked away thoughts. Desperate for an escape. Tired of the uncertainty. No. The emptiness did not evoke sleep. It was a vacuum. More room for worry. More room for doubt. And some other feelings as well. Like, that feverish feeling. I don't know. I drifted asleep sometime during all the chaos...clutching at the fabric that now was what held together my solidarity.

Sleep was pleasant. It was reassuring to wake up right where I had left. Surrounded, and guarded by a wall of sheet. Muscles lax, heart rate level. I breathed slowly, making a schedule of what needed to be done. Laundry was covered. My upcoming assignment was already written and completed. I missed any morning classes. Wiggling out of the folds of comfort, I scanned the room. Two wooden solders stood at attention on the windowsill. Hm. Struggling a bit more, I freed myself completely. Then, leaning as far as I could, I managed to scoop both up and bring them onto bed with me. At eye level, I held the two solders. The one at the right wore a blue suit—brown hair parted to the left, dotted eyes, and a pencil-drawn smile. The one at the left wore a red suit—blonde hair parted to the right,dotted eyes, and a pencil-drawn smile. Both came from the same set, each belonging to a squad of identical solders. Absently, I clicked their heads together as I thought. The pack inaccurate. I turned the red solder over in my hand, eying the lifeless yet smiling expression. They all held the same unnatural quality. Gayly smiling solder men. Hm. It is hardly reasonable to think that belonging to one side or the other transforms one into a drone identical with those of similar position of belief. One is not suddenly either a red solder with blonde hair, or a blue solder with brown hair. Not unless this was some sort of metaphor representing the fact that during times of war everyone is forced to view the opposing side not as individuals, but as a massive opposing force made of collective parts. Thinking again, it is improbable that a preschool toy was created with such a thought in mind, therefore it remains exactly what it is. A toy.

Playing with toys is something I used to do. Not for fun, but as something to do. Matt's instructions were to do as I felt like. Hm. I allowed the solders freedom, dropping them to the floor. There is no sufficient distraction, is there? I want to understand. There has to be a way. I can't just...not know. Rolling over to my back I continued playing with the ideas in my head. There has to be a code. Rules. A standard. Matt said it's too ambiguous, but that can't be the answer. The looked at the solders, lying on the ground. Was I being a hypocrite? Wasn't it the same? Yes, they all are emotions. Yet, everyone is personalized. Something like happiness isn't covered by a pencil-drawn smile. No, happiness can be more than that. Happiness isn't just an emotion. It is many things.

I breathed out a heavy breath of air. I don't know... Apprehension. This crushing feeling. Hesitance. Confusion. What a miserable set of feelings to preview whilst being indicated into humanity. I will see him though. Yes. That is what I want—that is what I will do...

I didn't need to watch were I was going. I could manage to find my way no matter if I lost all my physical senses. The wooden floor passed as if it had a mid of it's own. As if it were guiding me instead of the very legs which carried me. The floor stopped. A door like any other. Yet, it was surely his.

"Mello," I called quietly. I had not meant for my words to fade so readily, yet there was suddenly a strain on my vocals as I anticipated his appearance.

The door opened. I forced myself to look. He wasn't smiling. I am actually glad for that. At the least, I wasn't the only one feeling less like smiling. As if I've had any experience yet that has granted me such a countenance. Mello held the door open, leaning against the frame and staring slightly above my head. "Mello."

His eyes flicked down in acknowledgment, then snapped back to place just over my head. He wasn't inviting me inside... Well, I suppose it won't be that easy then. Though, I successfully came to that conclusion long before now.

"I have something I want to talk about. If you're willing...please."

He pushed the door, allowing it to swing open as he rolled himself back inside. I followed, closing the door once inside. That action alone made it seem final. I caught him looking over from the pile of books he'd decided to occupy himself with. Part of me wanted to run away. Another part was ready to stand at attention like a mindless toy solder. Mello steadily flipped the pages to his book. He had to be feeling too. Of course he was. This was the one who was able to catch and captivate me from the beginning. He's the one who prompted curiosity. He's the one who enabled feeling in me. Where do I begin?

"I—"

"I'll punch you if you start talking about wanting to die again."

What? Mello scowled at the book in front of him. "I swear, I'll beat that nonsense out of you."

I didn't really know what to say. Was he...mad at me? Or not?

"I wanted to say that yesterday," Mello sighed. "But then, you know what I did instead..."

Mello dropped the book back down onto the pile before him, still not making eye contact. "For a long time, I've wanted things from you that a guy shouldn't want from another guy. I blamed you for it, because you had ruined everything else in my life...or really, I had convinced myself you had. I was trying to make you understand yesterday. I thought, if I only told you what I actually felt, you would finally run away. If you knew how much I wanted you, you would leave me alone."

Mello had stopped turning pages now, gripping the book with white knuckles.

"I gave you the choice, all or nothing...and then you agreed. I couldn't believe it. Then, to make it worse, you started spewing crap about dying! I was so pissed! I was going to say so. But then you asked... are my feelings enough?" Mello looked at me, eyes a picture of internal conflict. "Are my feelings enough? Do you even know how much that made me...to hear you say something like that?"

I shook my head, speechless in such a situation. Mello closed the book, giving up on whatever he was doing with it in the first place.

"I was going to yell at you...but to hear you say that, I couldn't stop myself. You've never shown emotion towards anything, anyone, no matter what I did—and now you're asking if your feelings are enough?" Mello approached quickly, grasping my shoulders. I couldn't breathe for a moment. I thought that maybe he would do something more... He didn't. Only squeezing firmly. His head was dropped down, with hair acting as a barrier. "I hate telling you this..."

I became more and more conscious of my heart beating at the sound of this voice. Like...an ashamed child who was being chided to admit they are supposed to share their toys. "...because I would never talk like this. I never care if others understand why. I do what I want... Not anymore. I can't risk you not understanding. I can't risk acting on only what I want... So, I'm forced to say these things!"

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too." I stopped breathing again as I was pulling into his arms. I couldn't move. At the mercy of my own paralysis again. There was the sound of the doorknob wiggling, and after, extra light from the hallway spilled in. Mello was gently pushing me now. Out the door. Free from my spell, I looked over my shoulder to see out. He hadn't been trying to get close. He was only opening the door... I looked back at Mello. Eyes lowered and mouth grim, he continued trying to lead me out. Impulsively, I grabbed his upper arms for support. His gazed twitched upwards at the touch, but he still pressed further.

"Mello," I had gained a voice. "Mello, do not have me leave..."

"You don't understand yet..."

"Mello, no." I gently resisted the backward motion, gripping him tighter.

"You don't understand..."

"Mello, stop it. I don't want to leave."

Mello was pressing harder. "I want you to leave. Trust me. You'll want to leave too."

"You do not have that ability. The ability to read minds." I tried pushing back a little more.

"Call it an educated guess then." He pushed back.

"Based on what knowledge or evidence?"

"Based on the knowledge of myself, and the evidence of your lack of understanding."

"I am willing to learn."

"This is different. You won't—"

I took to making myself immovable to his gentle prodding, making him stop and stand straight. I stared into his eyes, hoping that as he looked back he would see something as deep and emotion ridden as I was. I wanted him to see that I was not a doll, a toy, a mask, a fake. I wanted him to that I am human. Just like him.

"I want you to understand, Mello. You are not feeling things one-sidedly. I trust that whatever comes along with those feelings are...normal." Suddenly, there was this unnatural creeping on my face. Gradually, my face was lightening up. I felt...happy. I just called myself normal. I've never felt normal. I feel...happy. And normal.

Mello's eyebrows had raised high as he watched, but then relaxed back down as his mouth at one side quirked upright. Maybe, I was doing something like that too. Maybe, I was...smiling. Freely, and without even thinking about it—I was smiling.

"Mello...you understand, don't you? You make me happy, and I'd like to be with you."

The smile was gone as Mello started to cough.

"Hm?"

Mello looked over the hand he held in front of his mouth. "What did you mean by, "be with you"?"

"Whatever that implies at the time. Specifically and at this time, I wish not to be forced out of your room."

Mello was a little more...pink than usual. "It's going to be dark soon."

"I've slept over before."

"Those were entirely different circumstances for us both."

Hm? "Because of our mutual feelings? Hadn't you said you've wanted me for a long time? Even before the last time I stayed over, right?"

"I never said that."

"So, you didn't like me before then? That is not a long amount of time at all."

"Never mind," Mello looked above my head, and back down. "Just get inside, so we're not caught talking like this out where everyone can hear what isn't their business."

I was allowed back inside, Mello promptly closing the door. Then, he turned back to face me.

"Could you make this easier on me, and tell me exactly what you want? I'm getting kind of bothered between what you might mean and what you actually mean."

"I want to be with you."

Mello pressed his lips into a firm line. "Like...how we are now? Or like...more..."

"..."

"...physical."

Oh. Right. Coupling does go along with some sort of...physical relationship. At times, I still forget the colloquial meanings of certain phrases. There is a difference between 'be with' and 'be with', apparently. Oh... the suggestion is not leaving my head now. Branded into my brain, and permanently replacing my previous thoughts. Too many thoughts, and I quickly became very conscious of my surroundings and my company. Mello was still waiting.

"Well..." my voice was slurring into silence. "I guess... Something like that... It is okay..."

"Like what?"

I was feeling feverish again. "Like...physical."

I could hear the inhale of breath. Mello looked more hesitant than ever.

"I'm sorry. Is that...unappealing to you?"

Mello shook his head. "No... I just... don't think you know what you're asking for."

"I know very well what physical means."

Mello made a small grimace, which was off-putting at the least. "Okay, but I will only return what I receive. So, I know what you're okay with."

What? I...I am the one who has to initiate? Mello didn't look very comfortable either. It was this tension. What do I do? ...I must go like Mello had last time. I looked up at Mello. I can't. He's too tall; I can't reach. Carefully, I tugged him downwards by his collar. He moved easily, and soon there was no excuse. I slowly leaned forward, fighting every cell that burned in my body. It still was shocking when we made contact. I pulled back immediately. Mello didn't move, watching with curiosity.

"...there. I told you that it was fine." I wish It sounded more like a fact, and less like a guess.

"So that's it."

"Yes. It's okay to be physical this way..."

His brow furrowed slightly as he smiled again. "I get it."

I was not expecting another kiss so suddenly, and it was luckily just another peck, or else I am not sure if I could handle the burning it brings on. Mello then placed a hand on my head, running through the hairs.

"So, you plan to sleep over?"

I nodded.

"That's fine, but I get to used the bed tonight. I remember last time you stole it, and I ended up having to sleep at my desk."

"I'm sorry... I'll take the floor."

"No, no, no. You'll sleep together with me."

"...I will? The beds aren't very roomy you know."

"I don't care." Mello straitened up, going over to his dresser. "If you need to, you can go get your night clothes, or whatever..."

I stood rooted in place. Night clothes? I usually slept in the day's clothes... Was that a strange practice? I've never had something like pajamas.

Mello froze for a moment too, looking me over. "Don't tell me...you sleep nude."

Nude? What would make him think that? Is that a normal practice? Well. It seems like it would be plenty comfortable. It's always too hot... And I do like the feeling of the sheets... It doesn't seem like a horrible idea, but why would he bring that up now? With that line of thought... never mind. "No, I do not. I sleep in my clothes."

"Borrow a pair of mine then."

I barely caught the silky fabric. Dark grey with black stripes. While play with the smooth, and cool texture between my fingers, Mello had already halfway dressed. "Get them on, because lights-out is gonna be soon," he commented while starting to button up his own dark green, silky nightshirt.

I like the touch of this. The fabric almost falls out of my hands. I unfastened my own shirt, sliding on the new article. It was so slippery. I rubbed the fabric against my arms, savoring the gentle touch. I liked it. Looking forward to more, I went on to replace my pants with the silky bottoms. More of the pleasant stimulation, I pet the fabric on my thighs.

"What are you doing?"

I looked over at Mello who was standing my the light switch. I stopped the circular motions, putting my hands straight at my sides. "I enjoy these."

Mello was raising an eyebrow. "Maybe a little too much..."

"Sufficiently."

"Sure. Well, the lights are out now. I'm not saying you have to go to bed, but it late, and I am."

He flicked the switch, and then it was only the twilight as a way to see. Mello padded over to his bed, crawling on and settling close to the wall. Plenty of room for me. I wasn't going to spend the night up alone, so I shuffled over to lie beside him. I wiggled a bit in the pajamas, still craving the sliding sensation. I brought a sleeve up to stroke my cheek, when suddenly there was the vague sent of chocolate. I brought my arm to my nose, inhaling deeply. Yes. It most definitely smelled of chocolate. It was familiarly the same sent Mello tended to waft. This less prominent though, as if it were buried deep in the fibers. I like that too. The same as the slick texture of his pajamas. Because, these were his. All while I tried to fall asleep, I enjoyed the sent and the friction as I rubbed my legs together. I hope I wasn't being too restless for Mello to sleep. Though he hadn't made any comment on the movement, so I took that to mean he'd already fallen asleep. I don't know when I could have fallen asleep...

I was still in bed, surrounded by the sent. Mello wasn't around, but right now that was okay. When I used to love the cool, slickness of the nightclothes, now they were hot. I couldn't take them off though. The only relief I could find was the friction, and small circles I rubbed into my arms and legs. But I couldn't do enough with just my hands. I squirmed around, trying to reach every part of my body, trying to make it go away. The relief was granted to all but one spot. No matter how much I rocked myself, I couldn't get the friction to reach, and cool myself down. I allowed one hand to slide down to immediately gratify. I could only sigh at the touch, rubbing in small circles. I like this touch if it weren't so hot... The clothes were growing even hotter now, prompting more violent rocking and squirming. It was growing progressive though, once I managed to begin the feeling of respite, the heat intensified. It was crawling into my throat. It was hot inside me. Everywhere. I could only manage to gulp a breath of air once in what felt like eternity. I needed help. I couldn't reach it all. Mello. Mello. Mello, help me... If only he were here. I want him to help me. I've never...felt...so...hot...

I woke up very early in the morning, not hot, but covered in sweat. It was still dark, and I wasn't alone anymore. I could feel the body beside me still pressed against the wall. It was only a dream. Though...something seemed to have carried over. Sliding off the bed, I could clearly feel a distinction between these pants from the ones I wore yesterday. Very damp. Uncomfortable. Awkwardly I handled the front, not sure what I should be doing now. I suppose...I really could go for a shower.

Tsk, tisk... and Near doesn't even wear the underwears either.

I didn't plan for this either! Wasn't that a special surprise for us all!

Mello was asleep though? Hm, hm, hm.