Anko POV
I'm feeling lonely, so I decide to go for a walk to see who I run into, hopefully someone will be up for some fun. I'm going vaguely in the direction of Kurenai's house, hoping she's not busy with Asuma or something, and will want to get dango with me. She's usually up for getting dango, although, she'll probably tease me for eating enough to make the leaf symbol again. It's not the warmest day and I'm glad for my overcoat; I pull it tightly around me. It's been cloudy all day, and looks like it might start to rain at any time; the dreary atmosphere is doing nothing for my already stormy mood.
It's really just the perfect sort of day for missing people; the air feels too thick and heavy, due to the humidity, and that makes it feel like the memories are pressing in on me. Maybe I'm just insane, but either way, that's what it feel like to me. The cloud cover and almost fog makes it easy to imagine anyone you're thinking about is close by. Ibiki's still on his mission and I miss him coming home at the end of a day at T sitting down and talking with him, crawling into bed with him at night. In some ways it feels like I'm a totally different person since I started having a romantic relationship.
For instance, I really like cooking for him. I didn't know that I'd want to do those sorts of couple-y things with anyone, but it's really fun. He comes home after a long day at work and I have dinner on the table, if I got home first, that is. He comes and sits down, he's always grateful, then we talk about how our days were. It's all just so normal, if you don't think much about the content that is. Like a "hard day at work" usually means some disturbing, morally abhorrent things when Ibiki says it, as opposed to normal people, who might just mean they had extra paperwork, or the boss gave them a hard time. But we're shinobi and everything is a shade or two darker in the shadows.
I didn't think that if I ever was involved in a romantic relationship, it would have these components. Yeah, I mean, I knew that my life has normal elements to it and that these would be compounded, but I didn't really get the flavor of what that would mean. I knew that if he stayed over frequently, there'd be more laundry, and I knew that taking turns cooking for both of us made more sense than each making our own food, but I didn't know how much I'd like it. Sometimes I even like to bake him cupcakes, they're always marble, so they're twisted like me, and they always at least have the kanji for torture on them, if not something a little more creative. We go on dates now and as much as I love someone else paying for my dango and sweet bean soup, that isn't even the best part! It's holding hands, sitting on his lap, making out, public displays of affection are definitely my thing. I should clarify, most of these are slightly off from normal, the holding hands usually involves me slipping my fingers into his gloves to feel his magnificent scars and making out typically means biting hard enough to draw blood on both of our parts then enjoying the taste of it mingling, but everything has to be a little bit twisted, else what fun would that be?
But with him as my koi, I don't miss him so much, I know that he'll be back soon enough and we'll be at home together. Now that it's the general for me to have him around, a mission here and there isn't a big deal. The main problem is without him here, I have a little too much time to think, and we all know that time to think is the enemy. If you think too much about this life, you notice how terribly sad it can be. We've all lost important people, usually far too soon, and it can be really difficult thinking about that sometimes. In this world, usually it's by them dying, life as a shinobi is anything but certain, so many of us die so young. But sometimes, it's worse than that. In a world with so much darkness, where you're required to exist in the shadows in the first place, sometimes shinobi go too far. They decide their own ends are worth more than their village, and they leave. I'm not sure which is worse. If a shinobi defects, they can never come back, they get added to the kill on sight list and taken down as soon as possible, so they can't be a threat to the village. But you do have that grace period where you can think that even if they aren't with you, they're alive somewhere, maybe even happy. But you have to deal with the idea that something has gone wrong and they're evil now. Loving someone, no matter how far they fall, that might hurt more than them dying a good death for the village.
My sensei, Orochimaru, is one of the people I've lost. I hate him, well, at least most of the time. I want to kill him, that's constant. But not really as much as I wish that he hadn't left, some days. On days like today, I remember him before he left, when he was my sensei, one of my most important people. I don't know, and I guess I never will, it's not like I can go and ask him, if he actually cared for me or if it was all pretense, so that he could use me. That bothers me some days, but right now, I can't help but believe that it was genuine, and then the betrayal hurts even more. I remember sensei patting my shoulder when I did well, I remember him showing me his research, I remember talking about immortality, and how much I trusted him. Initially he was a little scary, but soon I realized that he was just twisted like me, he'd never actually hurt me. I trusted him, so implicitly and thoroughly it scares me these days. When he put these goddamn tomoe seals on my shoulder, I was so afraid and hurt and confused. I wasn't expecting anything, he was talking, then his teeth were puncturing my skin. I remember wondering what that would mean, and before it started really hurting, I thought to myself that I didn't have to worry, he would never hurt me. When I realized I was wrong, that hurt more than the Cursed Seal did.
What really scares me is that if he'd asked, if he'd explained why he was doing it, what would happen, the risks, everything, and then asked me if I would do it, I probably would have agreed. And then, without the anger at his betrayal, I'm certain I would have gone with him. Especially if he hadn't been so cold about asking me. If he would have just said that he cared about me, that he wanted me, I'm sure I would have gone with him in a heartbeat. I would have done unspeakably horrible things for him and that's terrifying. I was perhaps one event, one decision that wasn't even mine, away from defecting from Konoha and becoming a terrible person. I could have been just like him. That's part of the reason that I really want it to be who kills him.
I got far too close to being evil to be remotely comfortable, even though it didn't happen, I still feel guilty about it sometimes. So, taking him down, well, that would absolve me of that guilt. But on days like today, sometimes I wish he could come back. I wish that I could have the chance to forgive him and be with him again. I wish I could feel his hand on my cheek again, look into his dazzling amber eyes, hear his rich smooth voice. I'm not a child anymore, but I imagine walking in his shadow again, having to almost jog to keep up with his long steps. Watching the wind blow his long, luxurious black hair behind him, making the silky strands dance and twist about each other. I imagine him here and feel a pang of longing in my heart for the relationship that meant so much to me.
My unguided footsteps have brought me a bit away from Kurenai's house and instead to a bridge, it's the perfect setting for this reverie. This place just comes off as the perfect place to feel sad in, standing on the bridge, looking morosely into the water. The clouds even comply with my dramatic scene setting and start it to raining. I look up at them for a moment, smiling at just how this came together. When I look back at the bridge, I see that the perfect person to share this moment with is standing there. I run to him. Body language reading near desolation, the crooked hitai-ate, silver hair, and most of his face covered by a mask.