Chapter 3

(a/n)- I lied. I got this idea and wanted to post it right away!

Disclaimer-No! I don't not own BIG TIME RUSH! Even though I'd like to...maybe just one of them anyway! :)

Work has been keeping me really busy these last few weeks. Thank God but tonight my sister was coming over for dinner which I really needed. Good sister-sister bonding. My sister is my best friend, I do not know where I would be without her. She has been there through everything. She was going to be getting there in about a half hour and we would start dinner then. I went to change and by the time I had gotten back down stairs she was there with a great big bottle of wine. "YESS! Just what I needed!" I said as I took the bottle from her. "That bad, huh?" She said with a giggle. Laughing "No, I just like wine." She asked about work, I told her it was going great and that I really was blessed with a great group of kids this year. We talked about work while getting dinner ready. She asked how James was and I simply said "Good" "Good? Why does it sound like there is more to that then just 'good'?". "Lets just say that I am glad he will be done with this tour in...32 days!" "Miss him?" I nodded my head taking a sip of wine. "Want to talk about it?" I shook my head. Honestly I was afraid of what I might say. Did I love Him? Yes! Was being apart really hard? Yes! Do I want things between us to end? No! But I was afraid it was inevitable so no I did not want to talk about it. She didn't say anything else about him. Dinner was ready, we sat down and ate talking about everything under the sun, about the latest beau in her life (they never lasted very long) My sister is a picky one. After dinner we went to the porch and sat out there in silence for a few minutes, taking in the quietness. Then she spoke, "so whats going on with you and James? You can sit there with this make-shift mask on your face Hannah but I know you and something is bothering you. Spill!" I took a deep breath, and my face started to get hot. I knew I was about to cry. "Ya know when this whole thing started he told me that this was going to happen one day or he hoped rather, that he would become this huge famous celebrity, its what he always wanted and I supported that because since we were 6 I knew that being an actor and or a singer were two things he always wanted to do," My sister just sat there nodding her head, "but I did not know it was going to be like this Kristin. I mean when we first started actually dating, not just friends there were auditions and trips to L.A. and long weekends away, I got used to that. Then when the show picked up he moved out there but he was able to come home a lot because he had weekends off, then the appearances started so I started going there which I didn't mind. And even the small tours ya know 15 cities or whatever, they were not that bad because it was only a couple of weeks I didn't see him, I could deal with that." I began to actually cry now. My sister came to sit next to me and said to me "I can only imagine how hard this must be for you but you guys have been doing this for 4 years now, you'll make it through this. I know you will" I looked at her and shook my head. "yea we have been doing this for 4 years and its not going to get any easier, if anything its going to get harder. Kristin, Big Time Rush is only getting bigger. And it was easier then because like I said he was only doing the show, small venues, scattered tours and appearances here and there, but now he is doing bigger venues and longer tours and appearances all the time." My sister said "Hannah, these are sacrifices you have to make to be in a relationship." "But YOU dont have to make these sacrifices, nobody else does" "OK, let me rephrase that, these are sacrifices you have to make to be in this relationship." I just looked at her through tear filled eyes. She began again "Look I know you love him and I know he loves you and you guys have been together a long time, maybe when he comes home you sit him down and you tell him everything you just told me." "it wont matter Kristin, there is nothing either one of us can do. He will still be doing all this. No matter what i say or do nothing is going to change. There isn't anything we can do. This is the way it is and this is the way its gonna stay." I stopped and just held my breath for a few seconds and then let it all lose again, I started sobbing. "Kristin I don't think I can do this anymore. Its not fair to me or him or to our relationship for that matter. More then anything in this entire world, I want us to work things out, I want us to be together forever but in the back of my mind I know..." I pauses and looked at her "its all going to end. It hurts so bad to know that. I ignore these feeling that I have, that feeling of just knowing because it hurts to bad to actually think about it. You have no idea how much I love that boy, no clue. That boy is my world, he is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. Kristin I really dont want to lose him, I dont but I am. In a way I feel like I already have." I could barely even talk at this point. My sister was now holding me in her arms listening to me hysterically cry. I love him and I didnt want to lose him but I couldnt help it.

That night after my sister left I sat up for quite awhile just thinking. I dont know what to do. He will be home in 32 days and I could not wait. I was so excited to see him but still there is that feeling. Im so confused because I want to be with him but then I dont want the stress of it all. Its not fair to either of us. I know I am losing him so why prolong it, why wait. But then I think, I dont know how to be without him, I dont know what it would be like without him because even though we were not together physically, we were together. Would I really be happier without him or would that make it worse. I mean I miss him when he isn't here but at least I get to talk to him on the phone and things like that. If we were not together all that would stop and then I would really miss him. Then again if we aren't together I wont have that constant reminder of him because I wont be talking to him so much. Ugh! I just dont want to lose him. I begin to cry. "God please help me" When he gets home I think I will just tell him exactly how I feel and go from there. He always told me "Hanna, I hope you will tell me if ever this becomes to be too much for you". Well its beginning to be too much for me James.

I know these chapters are really short but I would rather a lot of shorter ones then only a few longer ones. Not to mention the HDHD going on.